dfence

Here, let me run down my situation quickly..
Well I grew up playing lots of sports and had friends, but I was always a quiet kid, I guess mostly because my dad was very quiet and reserved, he hardly ever talked to me. As I got to high school, I thought I had friends since we grew up together and had sports in common, but I was very self-conscious and shy still. When they went out partying, I just stayed at home.

I'm trying hard to break out of this shell, and I know I need experience socializing with others.. I'm feeling now that I missed out on so much in high school and it's hard for me to let go of the past and just become sociable.

Now I'm 20 in college but working and the guys at my office talk and joke alot.. I usually add to the conversation when I can think of something and sometimes startup conversation about things.. but then the other day a shy girl came in and these two really nice and outgoing guys were talkin' about her comin' out of her shell and laughin about it then one of them said, "What about 'Jon'! He's always over there smilin' or laughin' and lookin over at me sometimes" and the other guy said "Yea he adds his little comments in sometimes!" while in a laughing tone. Then the first guy said "You must be thinkin about SOMETHIN' when you're quiet like that!"....

and that made me think... I thought I was doing well and talking to them most of the time, but I guess other times I don't have much to say and just don't say anything...
When I'm quiet I'm just thinking about something to say, but sometimes I don't come up with anything and I'm silent for a bit..... I guess this is an introverted thing... but I hate it!... I just want to be like most people and just say whatever I'm thinking of at the time (are most people like this???)

I guess what I'm getting at is that I want to be liked, or likeable and was wondering if the only way was to become talkative and just speak most of the time in conversations.... I mean, I just don't see how people enjoy being friends with quiet people like me. I guess it gives them more time to talk, but what have I got to offer them? My listening?
Also, if I'm adding in a few words, or saying something slightly funny, but only once in awhile and not talking much else... what to people think about people like that?? I thought for me it was normal but... oh dear..

I just read a website about Introversion and it very much applies to me.
It says "There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. It does not need to be cured. It simply needs to be understood and accepted." but...

"When the individual has no friends and spends all their time alone… but not by choice. When the individual is depressed about having no friends."
this is me.

I don't WANT to be introverted

"Please remember that many introverts can learn to appear to be extraverted for those times when the need arises. "
"it provides them with a useful mask to put on when necessary. Such training comes through instruction and practice in public speaking, debate, drama, music, social skills, dance, and mentoring."

I would want training in social skills... but how other than experience?? does anyone have suggestions?
It feels like I'm wearing a mask when I go to talk to people... I'm being honest with my words to them usually... but I just can't tell how it's affecting them, I don't have a good sense of self when I talk to others... sometimes I don't trust them when they are acting nice... I can't tell if i'm really their friend or just another somebody. It hurts, but I don't want to feel bad for myself because that won't help, I just want to fix this somehow...


I know these questions I'm asking sound weird, even to me, but I think I really need your guys' help... any comment or experience you've had... introverts and extroverts are more than welcome

Push-Pull

When it comes to your co-workers thinking you're introverted, I think that you'll find that there's other signals you're giving out than just not talking enough. For example, when you're ticked off, you don't have to say a word, and most people can tell. To a lessor extent, the same goes on when you're shy, afraid, not confident, or even happy. People sense your "vibe". It's instinct. You can learn to "broadcast" a different signal than your current mood. It's not something you'll do tomorrow, but it can be done.

As far as social skills, start with someone(s) you feel good about. Have in-depth conversations with them about non-important stuff. (avoid politics) Build up your confidence a little at a time. Don't overthink it. Everything you do to this end gives you some experience, even the bad experiences will help in the long run. Don't try and grade yourself while you're doing it, but rather, later on think it through and decided what adjustments you need to make for the next day. I'm making it sound like a lesson plan, but in reality, I've always found that if I'm having a specific trouble, just dealing with it is half the battle. I may have to deal with it every day, but I deal with it and eventually, I've gotten it straightened out.

Best of luck to you.

__________________
"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

lurkette

Hello, fellow introvert!

I've found that one of the key features of introversion is an internal focus. When you're interacting with people and you're uncomfortable, your focus isn't on them or the conversation, it's on you and your thoughts. I attend a lot of meetings with researchers who are 20 years older than I am and at the top of their fields. I used to be painfully uncomfortable - what did I have to say to them? I would sit and monitor the conversation, waiting for some moment when I could chime in with some opinion that would reflect well on me, which hardly ever came. I learned from a friend that the best way to interact with people in this kind of situation is to simply focus on the conversation and ask them questions. People LOVE to talk about themselves and their lives. If you can ask genuine, intelligent questions (or even reasonably thoughtful ones) that get them talking about their opinions and their interests, they will think you are the best conversationalist ever. So stop worrying about how you appear, and start focusing on what they're saying and not on what you want to say next. People can tell when you're in your own head, so to speak, and when you're really listening and focusing on them.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Charlatan

Lurkette has hit the nail on the head.

Getting people to talk about themselves is the best way to take the pressure off yourself and put it back on the people who like to talk. Most will never notice that you have done this and said little about yourself.

I use it all the time to get over my own battle with introvertedness.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

dfence

Push-Pull
"You can learn to "broadcast" a different signal than your current mood. It's not something you'll do tomorrow, but it can be done."

And how do you give out different emotions than your mood?
I might not do it tomorrow, but tomorrow I will try


lurkette
"If you can ask genuine, intelligent questions (or even reasonably thoughtful ones) that get them talking about their opinions and their interests, they will think you are the best conversationalist ever."

I try doing this sometimes and yes it works! I guess I just worry that they realize that they're the ones doing all the talking and think less of me or something. Good to see we share the same method and it's especially good to hear from a fellow introvert... I'm not alone!
I'm wondering lurkette, as an introvert, what is your social situation/group like? A couple of close friends? Do you go partying/clubbing at all? Hobbies?... that is, if you feel comfortable to share.

Also, this method of focusing on the other person may work in that situation, but what about when with a group of semi-distant friends at a party or something? My guess would be to (and I don't do all of this, but it sounds like a good idea), smile, initiate conversation, listen, don't try to impress them, be unpredictable, focus on the situation and people rather than yourself, and probably just try and have 'fun'.


Charlatan
"Most will never notice that you have done this and said little about yourself."

I hope they don't!
And how goes your battles?



I've just today had a successful run of conversation with some work friends... I made them laugh a couple times, thoughts just popped into my head and I acted on them. Things I think I need to work on looking back at it are... my tone of voice needs to vary more, I need to lean back more and say things in a relaxed position.

This is day 1.

Charlatan

I'd say it's going very well. Most people wouldn't have a clue these days that I am introverted or shy.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Nimetic

It can be helpful I think to take on a role that causes you to deal with people - such as a volunteer or casual job. When you have an official role and or uniform, it's easy to talk to strangers. Then this becomes somewhat of a reflex. Something that you can turn on if/when you choose to.

Push-Pull

You're not sending out different emotions, but different signals. The best (easiest) example is when you're mad at something. Let's say that you've spent all morning on a report, but some of the numbers don't jive. You WANT it done, you're tired of the interruptions, and you just can't focus. You are thinking "The next person that bothers me BETTER be wearing a bullet-proof vest." That WILL come through unless you change it. For me, it would be thinking "The next person obviously doesn't know that I'm frustrated, so instead of jumping their shit, I'm gonna try to recruit them to help." At that point when the next person does come to me, most often, they will ask how I'm doing. That's when I politely (non agressively) inform them of my problems.

Now inside, you're still ticked off, but outside, you are constructively letting others know how you feel without sending out negative feelings, AND you are possibly engaging someone else's help. It could be they have information that could help you, or them simply saying "I'm sorry I caught you at a bad time, I'll check in later." At very least, they've provided a short distraction and allowed your brain a short "time out" from the frustration. In any case, they've helped, and you didn't send out the wrong vibe.

As far as masking confidence, what better way than to simply have confidence? When you aren't feeling confident, that means that you don't feel that you can handle the situation at hand. I call bullshit on that. You can handle ANYTHING. You can either stop, think it through, come up with a solution and do it. Or you can realize that this is out of your scope and still help by recruiting someone with more ability to help. Most people are actually quite thankful when you say "I'm sorry, I don't know much about this, but Fred does, let me introduce you." Either way, you dealt with the situation confidentally. The only way you will not pull this off (in the eyes of other people) is if you try to tackle it and later have to admit that you didn't have a clue about how to do "it". Only take on stuff that you can at very least show some improvement, all others seek other help.

I hope that his doesn't sound too much like Dr. Phil, but I am not just writing this because I "think" it works, I "know" it does for me. I hope that you can get some mileage out of it. Good luck!

__________________
"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

lurkette

I have a circle of close friends - about a dozen or so. I call them "the Tribe." I don't really go partying or clubbing - just doesn't appeal to me. But I do have lots of hobbies - belly dancing, swing dancing, stained glass, theater, etc.

I think it's even easier in a group of semi-distant friends. You know enough about their lives to ask more focused questions about their jobs, their families, their hobbies. I'm fine where I know people pretty well and at least have some connection with them; it's among total strangers that I freeze up and want to go home. So, yeah - smile, listen ask questions, and have fun!

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

n0nsensical

the best advice i can give is find shit you like to do and just go do it with people. the internet is great for finding events, find one and show up. you always have something to talk about because presumably you all like to do the same thing. if you have a problem with being too self-conscious, you just have to stop worrying about what other people think. the social skills will come in time; it really makes no difference if other people think you're making a fool out of yourself, and chances are they don't think that anyway. and if someone really doesn't like the way you act? who cares? there's 6 billion other people in the world, chances are good some of them will like you, but you have to be out there in order to find them. if you look like you're having a good time other people will want to be around you.

if you can't do it through sheer willpower, theres always alcohol, caffeine, and lots and lots of other legal and illegal drugs that will make you lose your inhibitions and be more outgoing. why do you think they're so popular? do you think anyone would get laid if it wasn't for alcohol? that's probably why all the religious fundamentalists in the world are so angry. all you have to do to have a good time is make sure you're doing things you enjoy. don't feel like talking to people? fine, don't, and don't worry about it. find some way to entertain yourself or do something else, eventually you'll find cool people who are into the same stuff and you can make friends. just get out there and have fun.

dfence

"the best advice i can give is find shit you like to do and just go do it with people. "

I'm gonna try joining some clubs at my university


"if you look like you're having a good time other people will want to be around you."

Very good advice! If I have the mindset that I'm having a good time, I usually do and others too!

"You're not sending out different emotions, but different signals."

This is just like the quote above!


"do you think anyone would get laid if it wasn't for alcohol? that's probably why all the religious fundamentalists in the world are so angry."

an eye opener!!

"I think it's even easier in a group of semi-distant friends"

maybe true, but sometimes I think of how I haven't spoken to them in awhile and maybe think they think I'm avoiding them... but I guess I shouldn't think like that...


"It can be helpful I think to take on a role that causes you to deal with people - such as a volunteer or casual job"

great idea, but I'll have to put that one on hold for now..


thanks guys for your support
last night I got smashed and it was an awesome time!
I noticed that all the guys had so many stories to tell... my memory isn't that great and I don't have that many good stories.... does anyone have tips on coming up with stories to tell? do you practice them in your head or something? I don't think I can just make up stuff... maybe I'll try brainstorming and writing ideas down..

thingstodo

There is a great book out there called The Introvert Advantage: How to thrive in an extrovert world by Marti Olson Laney, Psy.D.

My wife the psychologist, who is also an introvert, swears it is a great book.

Here's a link and I'll paste some from the reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Adva...8137128&sr=8-1

"Introverts are like a rechargeable battery. They need to stop expending energy and rest in order to recharge. Extroverts are like solar panels that need the sun to recharge. Extroverts need to be out and about to refuel." ~Marti Olsen Laney
Imagine feeling alone in a crowd, preferring a quiet corner to the limelight and feeling overwhelmed by phones, parties and office meetings. Do people often think you are shy, aloof or antisocial? If you are an introvert, you are going to completely relate to a variety of comments that are like fireworks going off in recognition of truth. Introverts can hide their talents and only show them in certain situations.

Through reading this wonderful and often humorous book, you will be assured that nothing is wrong with you. In fact, there is a connection between Introversion and Intelligence.

What is fascinating is how Marti Olsen Laney explains how introverts create energy in the opposite way extroverts do. I'm often drained of all energy after being with people for extended periods of time, but being with a book can set me on fire with creativity and energy. I can handle small groups and connecting with familiar faces can actually energize me, but after three hours, I want to find a more peaceful setting.

This book helped me understand why I have deeper thoughts when I'm by myself than in a group setting. People seem to not know who I am in the "real-world," but online, I have found a place to show my true self. This is apparently because introverts are more comfortable with writing than speaking in public.

Are You an Introvert?

Are you detail oriented yet details in public spaces overwhelm you?
Do you prefer small parties with intimate friends?
Do you avoid crowds?
Would you rather be reading books in bed in your pajamas?
Do you get tired when you are around people, but energized when alone?
Do you feel guilty about having to "limit" your social experiences so you can survive?

Does your mind sometimes go blank in group situations?
Do you dislike being interrupted in the middle of a project?

The author has divided her comments into three main sections. First you find out if you really are an introvert, then you discover how to navigate the extrovert world. The last section explains how you can create the perfect life by "extroverting." This is just another way of saying that an introvert can also shine their light out into the world.

After reading the list of famous introverts, you will see similarities in their personalities. The author also gives a list of movies to add to your "must-see" list. Marti also spends time seeking the in-depth answers to brain chemistry. You will also find out if you are a Right or Left-Brained Introvert.

Then onward to "dating." The "Relationships: Face the Music and Dance" chapter shows how personality types collide, how to meet the challenge and then how to appreciate the differences. Even by reading the chapter on Parenting, I started to understand extroverts in a new way. I find extroverts to be fascinating, yet at times they overwhelm my cozy-sit-in-the-corner cat nature with their tiger tactics. Extroverts just seem so aggressive at times. The world can look a little threatening and a party can be overwhelming.

I love the author's ideas about how to be a sea anemone at a party. I've survived many parties with this tactic. If you are worried about what to say at a party, Marti gives plenty of solutions in the form of openers, sustainers, transitions and closers. Then she dives into the hazards from 9 to 5. This chapter will also shed some light on your personal relationships. Ok, by the time I read "Pack Your Survival Kit" this book had been more than helpful. These tips alone will encourage you to create a more peaceful planet.

"The Introvert Advantage" is an encouraging book for anyone who has felt the pain of being an introvert in an extrovert world. Marti Olsen Laney also shows how it can be equally painful and unfulfilling to remain in a state of seclusion. Through reading thoughtful segments on a daily basis, you can finally start to find balance in your daily existence.

This is a must-read book for all Introverts and the people who love them. The author has a comfortable writing style and you will feel "at home" and find yourself "completely" relating to her experiences. It is rare to find a book where you just fall in love with an author's personality. She is cute, witty and intellectual too. Finally someone out there understands! The author has really done her research.

Highly recommended. Add this book to your Top Ten must-read books this year. After all, it will help you understand 25% of the population.

~The Rebecca Review.com, A Right-brained "mostly" Introvert (INFP) and proud of it.

__________________
If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

hulk

I'm very quiet, unless I have something to say - I'm not shy, but I keep my thoughts to myself. My mind sorta goes in overdrive (gifted IQ and ADHD means I solve the world's problems but forget what the question was, haha) and it's often difficult for me to put those thoughts into words. It's lead to a few problems with my partner thinking I'm upset when I'm just myself. That said, I do give out a different kind of silence when I really am upset about something, and she picks up on that nowadays.

__________________
"'There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person,' says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex."
-- From an IGN game review.

noodlebee

Just be careful about using the internet. Yes, it's good for finding special local events, group classes, volunteer work and similar things. But you can also be easily sucked into just idly looking at them and spend too much time picking and choosing. Same goes for anything you see on local and/or national newspapers.

Alcohol, caffeine and other such substances can probably help for a while, but I highly doubt you will be constantly consuming such things, especially when you are with closer friends.

My opinion is that lurkette has the best advice. Ask sincere questions. Have little friendly debates that challenge the opinions of people you talk to. Sometimes, just one statement of disagreement is enough to allow that person to explain further and feel happy you are not just idly nodding your head.

It also doesn't hurt to participate in school classes/activities that force you to speak out, like choir, faculty debates, classes where presentation is required (e.g. business, visual art critique).

Force yourself to start conversations. There is no fixed formula for starting one. It can be "How was work today?" or "The news said [something something]. Did you hear about it? What do you think?" There truly is no easy way to fix this. It is hard work and challenging your comfort zone.

Try not to be so self-conscious. Most people don't realise a lot of the things you spend too much time worrying about. They are more likely to realise that you spend too much time silent while you are worrying instead of things they are unaware of.

passthru

Nice response lurkette.
I think I was in a very similar position, dfence. I'm 23 now, and I think I've been doing much better the past few years.
My solution was this: It's only a conversation. I thought constantly and rarely spoke. Now I try to just join in and talk without thinking about the correct instance to jump in, or what relevant or interesting thing I could add to the conversation. I've associated it with talking to girls, it's just not as important if you screw up. All conversation is is human interaction. You don't need to be thinking when interacting, only when trying to remember some tidbit that somebody else has brought up and can't think of themselves.
Another way to put that is that your sentences are continuations or direct responses to others' sentences. Therefore you don't need to be thinking about any of your words or concepts, just let whatever comes to your mind first come out of your mouth. The things that come to your mind first will usually be directly related to the previously spoken sentence, e.g. "..happened at the stoplight, really annoying" is followed by "Yes, those types of drivers irritate me too. For example.." or "That or something similar happened.." or "It's too bad intersections don't have X because it would prevent those jerks from acting that way" etc.