scotty

OK, so everyone knows Gandhi walked the plains of India for years, but few know that he rarely wore shoes - this, of course, left him with blistered, toughened feet after years of such abuse. Most also know that he was a strict vegetarian and that, especially in his later years, his diet left him in a weakened state more often than not. And another thing that few people even think about is that, given the relatively poor dental hygiene practices in India at the time, Ganghi also had chronic bad breath. All of which combined to make him.........








.....you ready???......









A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


tadaaa!!!!! (worst one I know)

Date the Banana

That was unbelievable. Jaw droppingly unbelievable. so bad, it's, it's...gold...
I really, really, want to tell that joke now, but there's no chance I'd ever be able to remember it. Bravo!

__________________
all work and no play make Date something something

Mantus

That was good, the getting raped one was sweet too.

Here is a couple.



What do you call a mushroom who walks into a bar and buys every one a drink?


A fun guy.




Why does the Pope have the best job in the world?


Because he gets to see his boss sprawled on a cross everyday.

gar1976

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot tub?

Stu.

CSflim

What do you call a girl standing between two buildings?

Elaine.



What do you call a guy with a seagull standing on his head?

Cliff.


What do you call a guy with no arms in the sea?

Bob.

__________________

cherriesue

what do you call a woman with one leg?

Peg

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?


Matt

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?


Art

__________________
we die only once and for such a long time

irateplatypus

did you hear about the kidnapping?

yeah, he's awake now.


did you hear about the guy who was in a car wreck and lost his whole left side?

he's all right now.

__________________
If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.

~ Winston Churchill

Blankfore12

^^ LOL i don't know why but that one cracked me up.

scansinboy

What do you call a guy hiding inside your mailbox?


Bill.


Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?


She was a woman.


And in the spirit of the Ghandi joke above:

One morning, as Fred leaves for work, he goes out to his garage only to find that his car won't start. Not knowing what to do he runs back inside.
Why don't you take the bus to work? Says his wife. Take the number 6, the one that goes over to Sesame Street. That's just a block or so from your office, you can walk from there.
Fred thanks his wife for the advice, kisses her goodbye and heads off to bus stop.
In no time, the bus arrives and Fred gets on. Good morning, says the bus driver, Haven't seen you on this line before.
"My car broke down," explained Fred. "Looks like it's good old public transportation for me," as he takes a seat right behind the driver.
No sooner than Fred sits down, Two of the fattest women he has ever seen get on right behind him so big that they look like they could easily take up three seats each. The bus driver calls out "Morning Patty, Morning Patty."
Confused, Fred inquires about the large women.
"Oh those are twin sisters, both named Patty. Unfortunate Thyroid problem, but two of the friendliest gals I've met in a long time."
Even though he find it a bit srange, Fred accepts the explination even though he can't stop staring at their enormous girth.
At the next stop, A young boy gets on, clearly developmentally disabled.
"Morning, Ross" Exclaims the bus driver. "Doing some shopping today?"
Ross smiled a crooked smile, nodded his head enthusiastically and clapped his hands.
"That's Ross," The bus driver explained. "Down Syndrome. Some folk would call him slow, but We say he's 'Special.' "
Ahh, thought Fred, That would explain it.
At the third stop, an elderly obviously homeless man gets on and he is hacking and coughing up a storm.
"Morning Horace" calls the ever freindly Bus driver.
In the raspiest, wheeziest, most strained voice, Horace answered back "Morning", before resuming his coughing fit.
"Lifelong smoker, that Horace. Chronic Emphezima" The driver explains. The next thing that Fred notices is that Horace isn't wearing any shoes. Because of this, his feet are incredibly dirty and calloused, with bunions as big as golf balls. Horace takes a seat and begins picking at his feet, all the while coughing and hacking up a lung

The bus continues on, for a few more minutes untill finally the bus driver calls out, "Next stop, Sesame Street. End of the line."
Fred gratefully exits the bus and thanks the driver. "Colorful bunch you got on this route. Have a good one"

Later on that night, after Fred had returned home, he was about to tell his wife about the amazing, if not a bit odd cast of characters he had seen on his ride to work that morning. Before he could tell her however, she spoke up.
"I had the wierdest thing happen to me today. After you left for work, I went to the store, and right in front of me, up pulled a limoseen filled with... get this... Circus clowns. There had to be about 40 of them all piled into this limo. Isn't that wierd?"

"You think that's wierd?" Asked Fred. That's nothing. You will never believe what I witnessed on the ride to work this morning."

"And what's that dear?"

"Why that would be...

Two Obese Pattys, Special Ross, Horace wheeze, picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus."

__________________
Don't blame me... *I* voted for Kodos!

xx emo x

how many emo-kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. just let them cry in the dark.

__________________
hurting people hurt people.

scotty

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell


What do you call him 6 months later?

Pete

bltzkriegmcanon

OWNED.

__________________
What do you say to one last showdown?
- Ocelot, Metal Gear Solid 3

The password is "Who are the Patriots?" and "La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo." "La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo." Gotcha.
- The Colonel and Snake, Metal Gear Solid 3

nash

I don't quite get it =(

scansinboy

Nash... How old are you? That could very well have something to do with it.

BTW, What's an Emo-kid?

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Don't blame me... *I* voted for Kodos!

fyrekun

emo = "boo hoo im an artist and the world hates me so im going to sit and cry because no one loves me"

and I can't quite remember what that old thing was that that joke refers too...
Two whole-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sessame seed bun? was that it? I can't remember all the words and it's hard to tell.

Person 1: did you hear about the actress who stabbed herself? Reese somthing...
Person 2: WITHERSPOON?!?
Person 1: NO, WITH HER KNIFE!

Person 3: This movie is too updog.
Person 4: What's updog?
Person 3: Nothin much, whats up with you?

Two pretzels are walking down the street, and one is assaulted (a salted)

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and hears a voice that says "That suit looks real good on you!" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. A minute later, the man hears the same voice say "That tie looks very nice, too." The man looks again and sees no one. Eventually the bartender comes over and sees the confused man and asks whats wrong. The man says "Well, ever since I came in here, I keep hearing voices telling me that I look nice in this suit..." The bartender says, "Oh, that's just the peanuts. They're COMPLIMENTARY!"

nogoodreason

some of these jokes are way too good to be the worst joke ever. I think this one's a contender.


What's brown and sticky?











A stick.

__________________
I'm not sarcastic. I mean it.

Jeff

Why did Jimmy fall off his bike?

Because Jimmy was a fish.


Why did Ronnie fall of his bike?

Because someone through a fridge at him.


Why did the plane crash into the mountain?

Because the pilot was a bread roll.

__________________
For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
--Charles Bukowski

bond007

that just freakin' cracked me up!!!

JazzmanAl

Person 1: Ask me if I'm green?
Person 2: Are you green?
Person 1: NO! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

If Person 1 does not laugh as hard as she can at the end, it isn't funny.

__________________
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
-The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot

Your dumber then me.

doomdoom

When geese fly in a V formation, why is one side longer than the other?




It has more geese in it.

shakran

Jim is sitting in the bar of a restaurant at the top of a skyscraper having a few when a guy walks in and bets $100 Jim that he can jump out the window and survive.

Jim takes him up on it and the stranger walks to the window, waves to the bar, and jumps out. 10 minutes later, the elevator dings and the stranger walks back into the bar to collect his $100.

Jim figures there must be a platform outside, and decides to bet the next guy that walks in that JIM can jump out the window. He does, leaps out the window, and falls to his death.

The bartender turns to the stranger and says "Ya know. You're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

icy_ca

Bad jokes, there's so many of them. Here's a few from me.



What do history teachers talk about when they get together?


Old times



How did the little girl get out of the elephant?



She ran around and around until she was pooped out.





Why are gorilla's nostrils so big?


Ever see the size of their fingers?

__________________
After all is said and done,
more is said than done.

nogoodreason

I was going to use that one next. Damn. I love that joke.

bond007

Q. did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?

A. one was named Henry Fitzpatrick, the other Patrick Fitzhenry.

gordonfreeman

Why did the elephant paint his toes yellow?




So he could hide upside down in a bowl of custard.




Have you ever seen an elephant in a bowl of custard?




My point exactly.

__________________
Its true that clothes make the man for naked people have little to no influence on society
-Mark Twain

gorilla

A wolf is howling at the moon when a little pony walks by. The wolf asks "do you wanna howl at the moon with me" and the pony replies "sorry I cant, Im alittle hoarse"

Whats one the tombstone of a paper?
RIP

__________________
I'll bet you $5 that you read the previous word...

eyeswimslow

Ok ok ok... get this:

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them got as"salt"ed.

I was absolutely gone when I heard that.

(Fyrekun got there before I did... muh bad)

Rodney

DAMN IT! I was scrolling down to the end of the thread to post that very same joke!

Okay....

Joe is walking down a dark street one night and sees his friend Fred on his hands and knees under a streetlight.

"What's going on?" Joe asks.

Fred says, "I dropped my keys in the dark, and I'm trying to find them."

Joe's a good bud, so he gets down on his hands and knees and starts looking, too. After about 10 minutes neither he nor Fred have found the keys.

"Are you sure you dropped them right around here?" Joe asks Fred.

Fred says, "Actually, no, I dropped them about half a block down and across the street."

"So why are we looking HERE, Fred?" Joe demands.

"Oh, because the light's better here."

Blackthorn

How can you tell if there is a pollock at a cockfight?

He's the one with a duck.

How can you tell if the mafia is at the cockfight?

The duck wins.

__________________
What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

fizzledorf

nogoodreason, i was searching to post this same joke!

ah, at least someone did it

and the ghandi joke was hilarious!

frolichoek

What does an eskimo get from sitting down for too long?


Polaroids.


One of the dumbest jokes ever, but gets great laughs if delivered right.

__________________
Count me in, bra.

eyeronic

I read through this whole thread up to there looking for this joke so I could post it if it wasn't here. It is an old favorite of mine. Nice nogoodreason, nice.

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I hold with those that favor fire.

Fishin Musician

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes".

..."Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".





A three legged dog walks into town carring a gun. The town folks see this, and say "we can't have that dog in town with a gun, someone go get the sheriff."

So the Sheriff walks up to the dog and says, "listen here dog, this is a nice, peacefull town we have here, you can't be walking around with that gun."

The dog looks up and says...."I ain't leaving town till I find the man that shot my paw."

madhatter

What do youcall a man with no arms or legs water skiing?


Skip




Two atoms are walking down the street. One of the atoms pauses with a worried look on his face and pats his pockets, then says "dang it....I lost an electron."

The other questions "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!" says the first.



What happens when a duck flys upside down?

He quacks up!




What's new in chemistry?

c over lambda

boom29

A bad joke, but nonetheless my favorite...

Why don't you take a pokemon into the bathroom with you?

'Cause he might Pikachu


And another one...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

bond007

I like it!

End User

Why did the boy jump in the lake?

Coz the dog ate a rock.

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People who have no faults are terrible!

eaglebeak

Did you hear about the 2 gay judges?
They tried each other.

cameroncrazy822

What's 18 inches long and will make a mother cry?


































Crib death.

You asked for it

assilem

Where was Micky Mouse when he turned out the light?

In the dark.

__________________
The mother of mankind, what time his pride
Had cast him out from Heaven, with all his host
Of rebel Angels