Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Interests > Tilted Humor


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-12-2008, 09:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
Transfer Agent
 
troit's Avatar
 
Location: NYC
Contribute: Chuck Norris Jokes

So I'm driving around yesterfay with a few friends and the Chuck NOrris jokes started to fly. After hearing about 50 I realized this would be a grat joke thread....

My first:

Chuck Norris' dick is so big it has it's own dick.....
and that dick is still bigget than yours.
__________________
I've yet to dephile myself...
troit is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 10:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
Misanthropic
 
Crack's Avatar
 
Location: Ohio! yay!
Chuck Norris always has sex on the fisrt date... Always.
__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx
Crack is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 10:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Willravel is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 01:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
 
dlish's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy
dlish is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
Master Thief. Master Criminal. Masturbator.
 
SSJTWIZTA's Avatar
 
Location: Windiwana
when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for chuck norris.

They once made chuck norris T.P., but it wouldnt take shit from anybody.

there is no such thing as a tornado. chuck norris just hates trailor parks.

thats all i got.

edit:
my sister just walked by a muttered;

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
__________________
First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Last edited by SSJTWIZTA; 09-13-2008 at 03:46 AM..
SSJTWIZTA is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
Please touch this.
 
Halx's Avatar
 
Owner/Admin
Location: Manhattan
Chuck Norris is a creationist because he KNOWS. He is the creator!

(I dont know, I just made that up. I'm opposed to Chuck Norris jokes because he backed Huckabee)
__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]
Halx is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
 
dlish's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
If Chuck Norris is the Creator, then maybe he can tell Ike to calm down since Chuck Norris is a Texan
__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy
dlish is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 04:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
Eponymous
 
jewels's Avatar
 
Location: Central Central Florida
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain
jewels is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
let me be clear
 
ottopilot's Avatar
 
Location: Waddy Peytona
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, he ate an Indian earlier this week.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
__________________
"It rubs the lotion on Buffy, Jodi and Mr. French's skin" - Uncle Bill from Buffalo
ottopilot is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:44 AM   #10 (permalink)
Upright
 
gamefreak1398's Avatar
 
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
gamefreak1398 is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
Upright
 
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
bhamv is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
Psycho: By Choice
 
dd3953's Avatar
 
Location: dd.land
*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

*There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

*Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
__________________
[Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]
dd3953 is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 08:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
warrior bodhisattva
 
Baraka_Guru's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: East-central Canada
Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too. What? Are you going to say something to him?

Chuck Norris would do anything for love. And, yes, he would even do "that."

The only chores Chuck Norris does is when he takes you to the cleaners or cleans your clock or "takes out the trash."
__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Last edited by Baraka_Guru; 09-13-2008 at 08:05 AM..
Baraka_Guru is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 09:52 AM   #14 (permalink)
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
 
dlish's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
chuck posted this thread. he's comin after all ya'll fuckers
__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy
dlish is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 10:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
warrior bodhisattva
 
Baraka_Guru's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: East-central Canada
When Chuck Norris Godwin's a thread, no one says a fucking thing about it. They just go along with it.
__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot
Baraka_Guru is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 11:00 AM   #16 (permalink)
We work alone
 
LoganSnake's Avatar
 
Location: Cake Town
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Last edited by LoganSnake; 09-13-2008 at 11:03 AM..
LoganSnake is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 01:33 PM   #17 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Ilow's Avatar
 
Location: Pats country
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".


Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
__________________
"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris
Ilow is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 02:30 PM   #18 (permalink)
Comment or else!!
 
KellyC's Avatar
 
Location: Home sweet home
Chuch Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.
KellyC is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:16 PM   #19 (permalink)
warrior bodhisattva
 
Baraka_Guru's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: East-central Canada
Chuck Norris joined TFP years ago; he's just lurking, waiting for the right opportunity to hit us all upside the head with a heavy post.
__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot
Baraka_Guru is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:17 PM   #20 (permalink)
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
 
telekinetic's Avatar
 
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Long ago, an irresistable force met an immovable object. This collision created Chuck Norris.
telekinetic is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:44 PM   #21 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru View Post
Chuck Norris joined TFP years ago; he's just lurking, waiting for the right opportunity to hit us all upside the head with a heavy post.
How about this:
Halx owns TFP. Chuck Norris owns Halx.
Willravel is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:47 PM   #22 (permalink)
Delicious
 
Reese's Avatar
 
Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by its cover.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
__________________
“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry
Reese is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 09:57 PM   #23 (permalink)
Misanthropic
 
Crack's Avatar
 
Location: Ohio! yay!
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Tyler Durden says: "Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club."

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.
__________________
Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Last edited by Crack; 09-13-2008 at 10:03 PM..
Crack is offline  
Old 09-14-2008, 08:26 AM   #24 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
 
Plan9's Avatar
 
Godzilla got Tokyo stomping lessons from Chuck Norris.
__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."
Plan9 is offline  
Old 09-14-2008, 08:45 AM   #25 (permalink)
warrior bodhisattva
 
Baraka_Guru's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: East-central Canada
Chuck Norris caught Godzilla for his Pokémon collection.
__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Last edited by Baraka_Guru; 09-14-2008 at 08:52 AM..
Baraka_Guru is offline  
Old 09-14-2008, 02:53 PM   #26 (permalink)
I have eaten the slaw
 
inBOIL's Avatar
 
When Chuck Norris runs and hides, you run and hide. And when he points at you and laughs, (because Chuck Norris doesn't run and hide from anything) you better laugh, too.
__________________
And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.
inBOIL is offline  
Old 09-14-2008, 03:23 PM   #27 (permalink)
Young Crumudgeon
 
Martian's Avatar
 
Location: Canada
Chuck Norris does not wear condoms, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang!"

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there's no sign of life there.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they were all six feet tall and knew karate. They are known today as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lie the fuck down.
__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
Martian is offline  
Old 09-15-2008, 08:46 AM   #28 (permalink)
Comment or else!!
 
KellyC's Avatar
 
Location: Home sweet home
Some men wish they were hung like horses; some horses wish they were hung like Chuck Norris.
__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.
KellyC is offline  
Old 09-16-2008, 06:10 AM   #29 (permalink)
Upright
 
Jefferson's Avatar
 
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Jefferson is offline  
Old 09-16-2008, 08:12 AM   #30 (permalink)
Upright
 
lotsofmagnets's Avatar
 
Location: reykjavík, iceland
chuck norris knows victoria´s secret.
__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?
lotsofmagnets is offline  
Old 09-28-2008, 04:59 PM   #31 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Amaras's Avatar
 
Location: At my daughter's beck and call.
When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the Earth away from himself.

Chuck Norris allows all of us to use TFP as a means of identifying those who do not properly worship Chuck Norris.
__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928
Amaras is offline  
Old 09-28-2008, 06:38 PM   #32 (permalink)
loving the curves
 
kramus's Avatar
 
Location: my Lady's manor
Chuck Norris Cartoon | Savage Chickens - Cartoons on Sticky Notes by Doug Savage

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca
kramus is offline  
Old 09-28-2008, 07:51 PM   #33 (permalink)
change is hard.
 
thespian86's Avatar
 
Location: the green room.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lotsofmagnets View Post
chuck norris knows victoria´s secret.
that's one of my favorite so far.
__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.
thespian86 is offline  
Old 09-28-2008, 09:25 PM   #34 (permalink)
Twisted
 
nomcat's Avatar
 
Location: UK
When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norris.
nomcat is offline  
Old 10-01-2008, 10:54 AM   #35 (permalink)
Upright
 
perfecto1's Avatar
 
Location: Baltimore, MD
The dinosaurs looked a Chuck Norris wrong once....
just once.
__________________
Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetant?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'd call that a big yes.
perfecto1 is offline  
Old 10-27-2008, 07:43 AM   #36 (permalink)
Crazy
 
mcgeedo's Avatar
 
mcgeedo is offline  
Old 10-27-2008, 01:20 PM   #37 (permalink)
Upright
 
Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag people, he potato bags people
__________________
MMMmmmmmwwwaaa-hahahahahahahah (maniacal laughter)
maniac is offline  
Old 10-27-2008, 03:04 PM   #38 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Amaras's Avatar
 
Location: At my daughter's beck and call.
Einstein once tried to calculate the circumference of the Earth, and the answer he kept coming up with was
Chuck Norris.
__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928
Amaras is offline  
Old 10-27-2008, 03:19 PM   #39 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Ayashe's Avatar
 
More an exercise than a joke.

Go to Google
Enter: Where is Chuck Norris into the search box.
Click the button that says I'm Feeling Lucky.
Read the text results.
__________________
I am only a little spoon in a huge world of soup.

Last edited by Ayashe; 10-27-2008 at 03:21 PM..
Ayashe is offline  
Old 10-31-2008, 06:23 AM   #40 (permalink)
Upright
 
Chuck Norris' penis has a toenail
Palamidian is offline  
 

Tags
chuck, contribute, jokes, norris


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:46 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360