troit

So I'm driving around yesterfay with a few friends and the Chuck NOrris jokes started to fly. After hearing about 50 I realized this would be a grat joke thread....

My first:

Chuck Norris' dick is so big it has it's own dick.....
and that dick is still bigget than yours.

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I've yet to dephile myself...

Crack

Chuck Norris always has sex on the fisrt date... Always.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Willravel

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

dlish

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

SSJTWIZTA

when the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for chuck norris.

They once made chuck norris T.P., but it wouldnt take shit from anybody.

there is no such thing as a tornado. chuck norris just hates trailor parks.

thats all i got.

edit:
my sister just walked by a muttered;

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

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First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me.
-Pastor Martin Niemoller

Halx

Chuck Norris is a creationist because he KNOWS. He is the creator!

(I dont know, I just made that up. I'm opposed to Chuck Norris jokes because he backed Huckabee)

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You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

dlish

If Chuck Norris is the Creator, then maybe he can tell Ike to calm down since Chuck Norris is a Texan

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

jewels

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

ottopilot

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, he ate an Indian earlier this week.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

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"It rubs the lotion on Buffy, Jodi and Mr. French's skin" - Uncle Bill from Buffalo

gamefreak1398

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

bhamv

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

dd3953

*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

*There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

*Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

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[Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

Baraka_Guru

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too. What? Are you going to say something to him?

Chuck Norris would do anything for love. And, yes, he would even do "that."

The only chores Chuck Norris does is when he takes you to the cleaners or cleans your clock or "takes out the trash."

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

dlish

chuck posted this thread. he's comin after all ya'll fuckers

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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

Baraka_Guru

When Chuck Norris Godwin's a thread, no one says a fucking thing about it. They just go along with it.

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Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

LoganSnake

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Ilow

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".


Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

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"Religion is the one area of our discourse in which it is considered noble to pretend to be certain about things no human being could possibly be certain about"
--Sam Harris

KellyC

Chuch Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Baraka_Guru

Chuck Norris joined TFP years ago; he's just lurking, waiting for the right opportunity to hit us all upside the head with a heavy post.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

telekinetic

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

Long ago, an irresistable force met an immovable object. This collision created Chuck Norris.

Willravel

How about this:
Halx owns TFP. Chuck Norris owns Halx.

Reese

Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by its cover.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

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“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

Crack

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. That same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Tyler Durden says: "Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club."

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Plan9

Godzilla got Tokyo stomping lessons from Chuck Norris.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

Chuck Norris caught Godzilla for his Pokémon collection.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

inBOIL

When Chuck Norris runs and hides, you run and hide. And when he points at you and laughs, (because Chuck Norris doesn't run and hide from anything) you better laugh, too.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Martian

Chuck Norris does not wear condoms, because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot down an enemy plane by pointing his finger at it and yelling "bang!"

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That's why there's no sign of life there.

Chuck Norris once ate 4 turtles whole. When he crapped them out, they were all six feet tall and knew karate. They are known today as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood. Just never his own.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lie the fuck down.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

KellyC

Some men wish they were hung like horses; some horses wish they were hung like Chuck Norris.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Jefferson

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

lotsofmagnets

chuck norris knows victoria´s secret.

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

Amaras

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the Earth away from himself.

Chuck Norris allows all of us to use TFP as a means of identifying those who do not properly worship Chuck Norris.

__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928

kramus

Chuck Norris Cartoon | Savage Chickens - Cartoons on Sticky Notes by Doug Savage

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And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

thespian86

that's one of my favorite so far.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

nomcat

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norris.

perfecto1

The dinosaurs looked a Chuck Norris wrong once....
just once.

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Dr. Peter Venkman: Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetant?
Librarian Alice: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'd call that a big yes.

mcgeedo

maniac

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag people, he potato bags people

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MMMmmmmmwwwaaa-hahahahahahahah (maniacal laughter)

Amaras

Einstein once tried to calculate the circumference of the Earth, and the answer he kept coming up with was
Chuck Norris.

__________________
Propaganda is to a democracy what the bludgeon is to a totalitarian state.
-Noam Chomsky
Love is a verb, not a noun.
-My Mom
The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later.
-Louis Aragon, "La Porte-plume," Traite du style, 1928

Ayashe

More an exercise than a joke.

Go to Google
Enter: Where is Chuck Norris into the search box.
Click the button that says I'm Feeling Lucky.
Read the text results.

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I am only a little spoon in a huge world of soup.

Palamidian

Chuck Norris' penis has a toenail