maleficent

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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absorbentishe

While traveling in a car (as the driver), you can fire a gun at the car following you and shoot the tires out.

Bad guys will only attack one at a time.

Elphaba

The heroine will always take an instant dislike to the hero.

Zeraph

They may be an advanced militaristic empire, but infiltrating their most secure and hidden base is as easy as taking out two unwarry henchmen and donning their disguise.

Evil masterminds always reveal their plot before they (unsuccessfully) kill the hero.

Bacchanal

EVERY TIME a car is wrecked, it explodes

fresnelly

If you're looking for empty barrels or cardboard boxes, just go for a high speed drive through your city's alleyways and side streets. They're filled with them and are unavoidable.

Kitchen tables make for effective bullet shields

Nothing good can ever, ever happen to you in the bathroom - Don't ever pull aside a closed shower curtain, have a shower with a see-through curtain, take a bath with your eyes closed, or take your eyes off the bathroom mirror for even a second; especially when washing your face in the sink. Never open and close the mirrored medicine cabinet.

A large amount of money that has been lost or stolen, will always be missed.

No matter how stressful or perilous the situation, time can always be made for sex.

Flying out of the country with a fake passport is easily accomplished.

All labratories are naturally bathed in a rich blue, amber or green light.

Don't think your car can successfully jump that gap? You'd be wrong.

It turns out the true love you were looking for, was your best friend all along.

College is nothing more than a chance to out-prank your enemies. This, and getting laid, are the most important reasons to go.

A single bullet is all you need to trigger an explosion.

All rich guys are vindictive snobs who hate you and desperately need to prove it.

Short husky guys just can't get a break.

Open dumpsters make for cushy landing pads.

When ordering a beer at the bar, just ask for "a beer". You'll get what you want.

Pitch black, really isn't.

When asking a girl out on a date, don't worry about when, where, or how you'll meet. Just say: "I'll see you then."

Before you hang up the phone, it's best to pause and take a look at the handset.

The girl you really want, is the one in glasses with her hair tied up.

Radioactive waste gives you super powers, not cancer.

The crotchety old professer who is giving you a hard time, actually cares about you most of all. Unless of course, he is trying to steal your brilliant and revolutionary thesis.

If you just believe in yourself, everything is possible.

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Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

phukraut

No one ever says goodbye on the telephone.

Police officers can shoot their gun anytime without having to go through paper work.

The best course of action when running out of ammo is to throw your gun away.

There is sound in space.

No one ever gets acne unless they are about to go on a big date.

SirLance

If you need to jump off a rooftop to escape a homicidal maniac, there will be an open truck carrying mattresses, cardboard boxes, or some other suitable landing material on the street below. Even if you're in a completely abandoned part of town.

If a computer takes over the world, you can defeat it by feeding it illogical non-sequiturs. Computers always explode under these circumstances, they never merely reject the feed.

Appliances are really malevolent entities, just waiting for their chance. Never turn your back on the toaster.

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

TwoToTango

Computers that control nuclear arsenals use single-factor authentication, prompt for that password in a huge font, and display it as you type. Once you're in, you can retarget and launch missiles with commands that are common knowledge.

The_Jazz

You will only need to reload your gun in order to take a quick breather and toss off some one-liners.

Any teenagers having sex will immediately be killed by the homicidal maniac.

Homicidal maniacs are indestructable.

Car chases do not elicite a massive police response.

Heros have their own soundtracks. So do villians, but the hero's is cooler.

If you show up to a gun battle halfway through, you're probably dead.

All prostitutes have hearts of gold.

If you're a geek in high school, you will eventually win over the girl of your dreams with your irrepressable charm.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

magictoy

All police cases can not be solved without at least one trip to a strip joint.

All grocery trips require a loaf of french bread to be bought.

Porn movies: Asses are always clean.

JustJess

Everyone always eats Chinese food out of the containers with chopsticks. Always. And almost everyone eats Chinese food in general.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Toaster126

Don't hate.

To stay on topic... anytime someone falls into water, when they surface, they must spit a stream of water.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

KungFuGuy

Just to be fair, film shoots in strip joints can be more fun than a lot of shoots taking place in non-strip joint locations. (i've written a strip joint into more than my fair share of literature hehe)

Sharon

A raging argument between two attractive members of the opposite sex who utterly hate each other can be solved quite simply with a passionate kiss.

gotekix

-Cars work perfectly fine until an enemy is after you, in which the car will refuse to start until the last moment.

-If you enter a room with nowhere to hide, scale the walls and hide up by the ceiling until your enemies leave the room.

-Sneezing only occurs when you have to be quiet.

-Condoms don't exist in movies, neither do STDs. You can have sex on the go and not worry.

-If you're drunk and the bartender refuses to serve you just yell "I'm paying for it ain't I!?!?" and he'll reluctantly serve you.

-Bartenders spend their entire time shining a single glass with a white cloth.

-Propane tanks only exist to be used as explosive projectiles.

-Bets made concerning sleeping with a girl will always backfire once the girl finds out, which by this time the guy has genuinely fallen in love with the girl. In the end it'll work out between them, usually once the guy chases the girl to an airport before she departs to a distant place.

questone

Here is one you will see in almost every mystery/crime drama

- You can do an online/computer search of any newspaper aticle (complete with pictures), even those which were printed years ago in a small town newspaper.

Seething

If you slit your wrists, you'll die almost instantly, but if your entire hand gets cut off, you're A-Ok with a towel or bandana wrapped around it.

All bad guy minions are given ACME brand "Never hit" guns when they start the job, so that the main villain looks cooler by being only person capable of shooting someone. And even then, only gives the hero a flesh wound or kills off a "scrappy sidekick" to enrage the hero.

The few amout of fat people in the world are all either lovable oafs, obnoxious jerks, or maltempered bad guys.

Only thin attractive people have sex.

Fierce looking monsters all have a soft spot for pretty women, who help them get in touch with their "heart of gold".

No villain ever dies the first time they are defeated.

Villains are patient. Their plans for world domination get halted to a stop, so that the hero can recieve the necessary training to come back and kill the bad guy.

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Common sense is uncommon. Ironic, isn't it?

politicophile

When attacking an evil adversary, you will appear to be making progress, only to be hit with a seemingly insurmountable setback. Don't worry, though: the longshot will always work in the end.

Bullets never ricochet off anything.

Heroes cannot receive debilitating permanent injuries.

It is frequently prudent to wear sunglasses in very dark areas whilst searching for villains.

Villains are always disappointed that they cannot win you over to their side.

In horror movies:
Saying "I'll be right back" is an automatic death sentence.
Ditto going upstairs.
Ditto having sex.
Ditto separating from the group to accomplish a mission alone.
Ditto being black.

People from different cultures are completely repulsed and horrified by alternate music genres.

You are not permitted to finish off the villain without first pausing to deliver a snappy comeback.

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The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

flstf

A punch in the jaw sounds like a smack on the ass.

All government agencies are corrupt and the hero must overcome them to get the villian..

Just when you think you got em whipped those graboids or whatever will mutate.

The pistol equipped hero always beats the full auto weapon equipped villian in a gun fight.

feelgood

There are no ugly men or women in the universe, ever.

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Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

MikeyChalupa

If you are a bad guy, do not attempt to escape from the hero by running to the roof of a tall building. You will inevitably fall to your death.

-Mikey

Xazy

Blücher means glue - young frankenstein

Tophat665

Full plate armor weighs about 15 lbs on a fully grown man. This was invented in the Early Middle Ages in England.

Velociraptor was identical to Deinonycus.

Lithuanians have a Scottish Accent.

All Chinese people can speak English, but they don't in real life because their lips don't move in time with their words when they do.

What made the Nazi War Machine frightening was not that it was successful, because it wasn't, but that it could lose every battle it fought and still make the war last for 5 years.

Internal Bleeding is a Myth

Never Beam Down in a Red Shirt

Tom Cruise is heterosexual.

Phillip Dick stories make perfect sense.

There's always enough rope, and, if there isn't, bedsheets are every bit as available and useful, and, if they aren't, a human being can drop up to 3 stories without significant injury so long as he lands on his feet.

Sonar works in a vacuum.

Schemes that can't fail do. Schemes that can't possible work do.

Watery martinis are sexy.

Women named Bambi and Thumper will kick your ass.

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.