Sex, Motherhood, and your Man - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

01-09-2004, 05:08 PM

Well, I used to have a wild sex drive before I had our son in '00, but since then it's plumeted- I don't know why- I lost the boobs and the drive.
My husband could take sex at any given moment of the day (that's typical) and really likes to throw out inuendos to me all the time. Too much, sometimes- and then when he signals to go and have sex, it is usually at the most inconvenient time- about ready to go out, our son is there, etc. He sometimes gets really pissed off and I feel like he is blaming me.
We talked about this in depth last night, and it wasn't the first time. I just don't know where to go from here in order to please him, yet not give into him whenever he wants it.
I was wondering if any of you ladies (moreso mothers) had this happen to them at all. I wonder what the best solution is for this. I really do have quite a sexual intrigue and love the beauty and intimacy of it, as well as being semi-kinky- but I feel that I can't enjoy it as much if I do it every night, which he would prefer.
Hope there's some insight some of you might have.

Ladyhawke · 01-09-2004, 09:18 PM

Sorry sweetie....Mother of three...and I'm still horny as hell half the time....and just plain horny the other.....I would say because it's so soon after the baby...but 4 years...not likely

could be stress.....problems with the hubby and rasiing a child can do that to a sex drive.....and he needs to be more understanding....your is wife...not his sex slave...if you aren't in the mood....then he neds to find the bathroon and a playboy and deal with it.

The best advice I can give is to talk with him...find a common ground...and understand that you both have needs a limits.

hope that helps

sexymama · 01-10-2004, 09:10 AM

Communication is definitely the key!

I know that I'm much more excited about sex when he "makes love to me all day long." I know that is a cliche -- but it is true. When Lebell touches me, nibbles my neck, gazes at me with love, calls to say hi, . . . I know he loves me for more than just sex and I am much more "ready" when the time presents itself.

It isn't always easy with children around. But the sad fact is they grow up and move on. It is very important to take time for yourself and your mate. You want a lifetime with him (I hope) and that lifetime starts now. My counselor always says: one date a week, one weekend a month, and one week a year away from the children. I never hit that with my ex; and he is an ex. Lebell and I plan to hit that target! Our relationship comes first. And I don't feel guilty about that as I believe we are being positive models of how to take care of ourselves, for the children.

Enough on my philosophy -- maybe it is time for counseling for you. It could be other "things" are getting in the way or are needed. Best of luck!

01-10-2004, 03:30 PM

^^^I hear ya. We have tried as much as possible to positively and effectively communicate on this, but neither of us feel like "giving in" to one another, so to speak. We speak our minds and share our feelings and try to find a common and mutual solution, but it never happens. We both feel misunderstood about this. Even though he says I don't understand him, I do. But that doesn't mean I can drop what I am doing, ignore our kid or what is going on, and rip my clothes off for him. If I am busy, not in the mood, or too tired, I don't feel that the lovemaking will be with 100% effort and won't be as enjoyable and intimate. I like it when all is calm and there is time to do it, not rushing or sneaking or going out of our way. Sometimes, the longer I wait (no longer than a week, and that's usually that time of month) the better it feels, but then he tends to finish too soon. I honestly think he doesn't masturbate as often as he should to ease the tension and frustration.
I used to be all about sex every day, morning, noon, and night before our child, but I just feel that communication and other sources of intimacy and interaction are just as important and I feel that we don't have enough of that.
Although we do more things together- go out, play games, talk, etc.- I could do so much more of it. He is a fairly person, but as a struggling person with depression, he sure has changed in the past few years- we almost divorced, but then he did a 180- well, almost- maybe 100. He still has his bouts. Ya know, I think it may have a lot to do with how unhappy he still is.
We've seen a therapist, but although we really enjoyed her, our insurance couldn't cover enough and we really can't afford it at this time. All I want is for him to be more happy, laid back, and less worrisome. He is a skeptic and sometimes on the verge of being paranoid about so many things. He is very self-conscious and hard to satisfy. I am sure that has a lot to do with it, because low self-esteem doesn't turn me on at all.
Well, talking this out on here helps so much- thank you for reading my babble, but it's always a surefire way to just write things out until the answer comes to me.
I will reserve some time to talk with him more in depth this weekend. After that, it is in his hands- I can't change him, that's his step. But I am there for him, love him, respect and always try to understand him and make him feel better.

Mo2182 · 01-11-2004, 06:03 PM

I think what sexymama said is awesome. If you could just take a small fraction of your time to be alone with just him. Away from everything and everybody else. Have your parents watch the baby for the weekend. Little things like that are going to help feel needed/wanted/desired.

~springrain · 01-12-2004, 01:47 PM

just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this...

my kids are 10, 9, and 3... over the years we've gone from having sex daily (like when we were honeymooners)... to hardly at all...

part of it is stress... like other's have talked about... part of it for me were hormonal shifts due to my age, changing birth control, post pregnancy, etc. etc.

bottom line here is while sex is an important aspect of intimacy... it is not the only way in which to achieve it...

when we were really in the "few and far between" times... i worked on finding other ways to be intimate with Willow and show him how much i still loved and desired him...

hang in there... these are growing pains that many of us moms go through...
(hug)

01-12-2004, 02:32 PM

I don't want to sound like my husband is a sex-fiend or insensitive- he really isn't- we just have a common difference here and have had a difficult time communicating and understanding one another on this. What I keep in mind is the question: "what can I do to make a difference?" I cannot control his decisions or opinions- I respect him for that- but I know that there are things out there that I can do to help eleviate the situation. For instance- meditation, practicing tantra with him, really focusing on intimacy in different aspects with him. I guess I keep going back to the whole "communication is a MUST in relationships" and I feel we are better, but not 100%. Thank you for all your responses. I will be giving updates.

raeanna74 · 01-13-2004, 12:09 PM

This sounds a lot like me and hubby. My daughter is now three. I'm a SAHM and with kids all day. Sometimes I just get "touched" too much and can't take the intimacy. He has learned that there are times that I'm just not in the mood. When I'm not in the mood and if I can - then I try to accomodate and give him a treat. Bj if nothing else. It satsifies him and is more like a quicky. Also I've found that if I watch for when the kids ( I watch another child afternoons/evenings and another mornings/afternoons) and then I go to him. I make him feel wanted and even if I'm not feeling exceptionally romantic when I see his response and how the "surprise" makes him happy it helps my emotions along. Also it satisfies him for a while and he doesn't beg for sex as much or ask for it at the wrong times as much. There are just some times that you have to say no and take care of yourself. Don't let him put on the guilt trip and don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Make sure you try to tell him in the kindest way possible. Make sure he knows you still love him and want him but that for one reason or another you just can't get in the mood or get the kids out of your mind. There will have to be some give and take on both your parts. You give a little even when you aren't Really in the mood but the timing with kids isn't too bad. And when the timing is bad or you really need the relax time to yourself then he needs to let you go. Repeat to him your reasons and reassurances. "Repitition is the key to learning". Don't resent having to repeat it. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes.

Making sure you guys carve out some time for yourselves once or month or so is a big help to helping your intimacy. Wintertime blues is an issue for us. The lack of light affects both our moods making me less horny and hubby crave sex. We work through it every year though. Everyone has their ups and downs. Hang in there and you can get past it too.

01-09-2004, 05:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	Sex, Motherhood, and your Man Well, I used to have a wild sex drive before I had our son in '00, but since then it's plumeted- I don't know why- I lost the boobs and the drive. My husband could take sex at any given moment of the day (that's typical) and really likes to throw out inuendos to me all the time. Too much, sometimes- and then when he signals to go and have sex, it is usually at the most inconvenient time- about ready to go out, our son is there, etc. He sometimes gets really pissed off and I feel like he is blaming me. We talked about this in depth last night, and it wasn't the first time. I just don't know where to go from here in order to please him, yet not give into him whenever he wants it. I was wondering if any of you ladies (moreso mothers) had this happen to them at all. I wonder what the best solution is for this. I really do have quite a sexual intrigue and love the beauty and intimacy of it, as well as being semi-kinky- but I feel that I can't enjoy it as much if I do it every night, which he would prefer. Hope there's some insight some of you might have.

01-09-2004, 09:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ladyhawke Crazy Location: Dallas	Sorry sweetie....Mother of three...and I'm still horny as hell half the time....and just plain horny the other.....I would say because it's so soon after the baby...but 4 years...not likely could be stress.....problems with the hubby and rasiing a child can do that to a sex drive.....and he needs to be more understanding....your is wife...not his sex slave...if you aren't in the mood....then he neds to find the bathroon and a playboy and deal with it. The best advice I can give is to talk with him...find a common ground...and understand that you both have needs a limits. hope that helps __________________ Whatever

01-10-2004, 09:10 AM	#3 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Communication is definitely the key! I know that I'm much more excited about sex when he "makes love to me all day long." I know that is a cliche -- but it is true. When Lebell touches me, nibbles my neck, gazes at me with love, calls to say hi, . . . I know he loves me for more than just sex and I am much more "ready" when the time presents itself. It isn't always easy with children around. But the sad fact is they grow up and move on. It is very important to take time for yourself and your mate. You want a lifetime with him (I hope) and that lifetime starts now. My counselor always says: one date a week, one weekend a month, and one week a year away from the children. I never hit that with my ex; and he is an ex. Lebell and I plan to hit that target! Our relationship comes first. And I don't feel guilty about that as I believe we are being positive models of how to take care of ourselves, for the children. Enough on my philosophy -- maybe it is time for counseling for you. It could be other "things" are getting in the way or are needed. Best of luck! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection. Last edited by sexymama; 01-10-2004 at 09:12 AM..

01-13-2004, 12:09 PM	#8 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	This sounds a lot like me and hubby. My daughter is now three. I'm a SAHM and with kids all day. Sometimes I just get "touched" too much and can't take the intimacy. He has learned that there are times that I'm just not in the mood. When I'm not in the mood and if I can - then I try to accomodate and give him a treat. Bj if nothing else. It satsifies him and is more like a quicky. Also I've found that if I watch for when the kids ( I watch another child afternoons/evenings and another mornings/afternoons) and then I go to him. I make him feel wanted and even if I'm not feeling exceptionally romantic when I see his response and how the "surprise" makes him happy it helps my emotions along. Also it satisfies him for a while and he doesn't beg for sex as much or ask for it at the wrong times as much. There are just some times that you have to say no and take care of yourself. Don't let him put on the guilt trip and don't allow yourself to feel guilty. Make sure you try to tell him in the kindest way possible. Make sure he knows you still love him and want him but that for one reason or another you just can't get in the mood or get the kids out of your mind. There will have to be some give and take on both your parts. You give a little even when you aren't Really in the mood but the timing with kids isn't too bad. And when the timing is bad or you really need the relax time to yourself then he needs to let you go. Repeat to him your reasons and reassurances. "Repitition is the key to learning". Don't resent having to repeat it. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes. Making sure you guys carve out some time for yourselves once or month or so is a big help to helping your intimacy. Wintertime blues is an issue for us. The lack of light affects both our moods making me less horny and hubby crave sex. We work through it every year though. Everyone has their ups and downs. Hang in there and you can get past it too. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

01-10-2004, 03:30 PM	#4 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	^^^I hear ya. We have tried as much as possible to positively and effectively communicate on this, but neither of us feel like "giving in" to one another, so to speak. We speak our minds and share our feelings and try to find a common and mutual solution, but it never happens. We both feel misunderstood about this. Even though he says I don't understand him, I do. But that doesn't mean I can drop what I am doing, ignore our kid or what is going on, and rip my clothes off for him. If I am busy, not in the mood, or too tired, I don't feel that the lovemaking will be with 100% effort and won't be as enjoyable and intimate. I like it when all is calm and there is time to do it, not rushing or sneaking or going out of our way. Sometimes, the longer I wait (no longer than a week, and that's usually that time of month) the better it feels, but then he tends to finish too soon. I honestly think he doesn't masturbate as often as he should to ease the tension and frustration. I used to be all about sex every day, morning, noon, and night before our child, but I just feel that communication and other sources of intimacy and interaction are just as important and I feel that we don't have enough of that. Although we do more things together- go out, play games, talk, etc.- I could do so much more of it. He is a fairly person, but as a struggling person with depression, he sure has changed in the past few years- we almost divorced, but then he did a 180- well, almost- maybe 100. He still has his bouts. Ya know, I think it may have a lot to do with how unhappy he still is. We've seen a therapist, but although we really enjoyed her, our insurance couldn't cover enough and we really can't afford it at this time. All I want is for him to be more happy, laid back, and less worrisome. He is a skeptic and sometimes on the verge of being paranoid about so many things. He is very self-conscious and hard to satisfy. I am sure that has a lot to do with it, because low self-esteem doesn't turn me on at all. Well, talking this out on here helps so much- thank you for reading my babble, but it's always a surefire way to just write things out until the answer comes to me. I will reserve some time to talk with him more in depth this weekend. After that, it is in his hands- I can't change him, that's his step. But I am there for him, love him, respect and always try to understand him and make him feel better.

01-11-2004, 06:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mo2182 Upright	I think what sexymama said is awesome. If you could just take a small fraction of your time to be alone with just him. Away from everything and everybody else. Have your parents watch the baby for the weekend. Little things like that are going to help feel needed/wanted/desired.

01-12-2004, 01:47 PM	#6 (permalink)
~springrain Banned Location: central USA	just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this... my kids are 10, 9, and 3... over the years we've gone from having sex daily (like when we were honeymooners)... to hardly at all... part of it is stress... like other's have talked about... part of it for me were hormonal shifts due to my age, changing birth control, post pregnancy, etc. etc. bottom line here is while sex is an important aspect of intimacy... it is not the only way in which to achieve it... when we were really in the "few and far between" times... i worked on finding other ways to be intimate with Willow and show him how much i still loved and desired him... hang in there... these are growing pains that many of us moms go through... (hug)

01-12-2004, 02:32 PM	#7 (permalink)
:::OshnSoul::: Guest	I don't want to sound like my husband is a sex-fiend or insensitive- he really isn't- we just have a common difference here and have had a difficult time communicating and understanding one another on this. What I keep in mind is the question: "what can I do to make a difference?" I cannot control his decisions or opinions- I respect him for that- but I know that there are things out there that I can do to help eleviate the situation. For instance- meditation, practicing tantra with him, really focusing on intimacy in different aspects with him. I guess I keep going back to the whole "communication is a MUST in relationships" and I feel we are better, but not 100%. Thank you for all your responses. I will be giving updates.