guns&roses

hey ladies...looking for some help on this one...i know it's long but please try...

alright, i've been in this relationship for a little under a year and i'm happy...kind of. he's really a nice guy - he cares for me a lot - he has a wonderful family, he's very gentle, funny, cute. like i said - a nice guy. we are both in college and so have a lot of stress in our lives and we both tend to take it out on each other sometimes, which can put a strain on the relationship. we have both helped each other through a very difficult year - deaths in the family, emotional issues, etc. but it has been very hard - i came into this relationship directly - after another relationship that was very serious and i was confused and didn't know what to do...so i panicked and broke up with him and started dating my current man, whom i was very good friends with.

so we have been dating since last year and it has been hard. we broke up a few times on and off because of me and my inability to deal with certain issues with him as well as trying to deal with my own life at the time. but we work so closely together that it was hard to stay out of the relationship. i guess i kept waiting for things to get better - and they would sometimes - but i find myself telling myself that it will be better when he gets a better job, when we are out of classes, when we have more money....you know what i'm saying. it's just hard too because we fight a lot about stuff - i feel like he doesn't like me as much as he says he does (even though i know it's dumb) because he is so interested in other things and spends a lot of time on those hobbies. i just feel like i have fallen in the ranks of interest in his life and i feel like he is taking me for granted. our sex life is practically non-existant and when it does surface once and awhile, it is usually because i initiate it...and that makes me feel like all i am interested in is sex...but for god's sake, i'm only in my 20s. i though guys were supposed to be in the middle of their sex drive now?

i guess i am just getting frustrated. we never talk anymore and tv or a book or a computer takes the place where everything between the two of us seemed to happen. holding hands, suddling, contact is out the window. i have brought this up with him several times as passively as possible and he immediatly gets very defensive and suddenly we're yelling at each other because he says that i expect too much and he's not enough for me and i'm spoiled. i end up apolgizing and waiting it out until the next "discussion". but what he says is somewhat true...i lost a wonderful man who did do all those things througout our entire relationship because i got scared of the commitment and lost him...i am still trying to deal with that....

anyways, i am silently starting to pull away because i don't know what else to do. talking has not worked and i am hesitant to make a decision to break up because he is a big part of my life and i like him being there for me but it feels like we have to be in a relationship for us to still be at least friends. i also don't know if i can handle being alone.

any advice offered would be great...i know there are people out there that have somewhat of an inkling of what is going on...

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"Every rose has it's thorn"

lafemmefatale

Wow. Tough, my sympathies.

It sounds like you did all that you can, this guy does not seem like he's wanting to change. So maybe the question to ask him is not for him to spend more time with you, but whether or not he wants to be in this relationship at all.

Asking for more of a physical aspect in the relationship, more attnetion does not mean spoilt, he is dead wrong about that. Does he have someone else on his mid? Is he possibly gay? These are long shots, but at this day and age, it happens. Was your sex life always...non-existant? If so maybe there's something he needs to get over, some insecurites perhaps.

Why not try printing out your post and leaving it for him so he knows what you're feeling? then give him a few hours to digest it before you talk to him. Or maybe write a new note directed to him, that way he can't interrupt and can't get defensive.

If you really want to stay with him, and it sounds like you do, letting him know how you feel, addressing the problems and actually dealing with the problems is extremely important. Go to a counsellor if further dealing with him yourself is impossible.

Best of luck.

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-poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another-

yoshi

Well, I don't know if my advice will help. But it takes TWO to be in a relationship and it is constant work. I would flat out ask him if he wants to be in this relationship and you wanting some romance is not being spoiled. It's not asking too much of someone either, especially if you did it before. Now, if you two haven't ever done that and you are comparing him to your "lost" love, then no, that's not gonna change him or make things work for you two. You have to let go of the past, then, if this is the way he is--either accept it and risk not being happy or let him go.

angela146

Take a look at just the part I quoted here.

1. You had a boyfriend who was wonderful
2. You have a good friend now who you are trying to keep a relationship with
3. He is a big part of your life... but do you love him?
4. You aren't sure if you can handle being alone
5. You lost your previous boyfriend because of fear of committment...

Maybe the problem is that you are still in love with the previous guy... Maybe your current guy is a good friend you are having sex with (although you aren't even doing that any more).

If you want to stay with the current guy, stop being so passive. Don't worry about initiating sex all the time. It's Ok to initiate sex. Also, join him in his interests have fun with him doing the stuff he likes.

If none of this works, if you can't ignite some passion and you don't have common interests, then... what's the point?

Now, what about boyfriend number 1? Can you go back to him and tell him you made a terrible mistake?

anti fishstick

you know, i just broke up with someone i care for deeply and it seems almost identical to your story..

it sounds like you deserve better than what you have.. but will it ever realllly get better? when you focus on future points and waiting for 'things to get better', it is like chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. complications will always arise bcos situations are never perfect and you find yourself dangling 'something better' out of arms reach.

as for joining his hobbies, it sounds like you need to compromise eachothers interests together more. i don't think its fair to *join his hobbies* as if your life or the relationship is centered around him. find some way to integrate common interests. and like angela said, if that doesn't work.... what's the point really? it seems like compatibility, compromise, and the lack of communication are at issue here... evaluate what you WANT from the relationship, or *a* relationship and see if it adds up here. goodluck and be strong

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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

sexymama

Wow, difficult situation! I think everyone has done a good job giving advice so far. The one other thing to keep in mind is that you cannot change someone! You can only change yourself.

Obviously communication and asking for what you need are 100% acceptable -- but in the long run you are only in control of you. You will need to decide if the "issues" are small enough to not worry about, or if they are things you are just not willing to live without. (And after an 11-year marriage that was basically sexless, believe me, it gets harder and harder to live without!)

You are young. There are a lot of terrific men out there who are more than willing -- even wanting -- to please woman sexually and in other ways. IF you love this guy, great, stick it out. If you are questioning, maybe a temporary seperation would help answer some questions. And if you are not in love, it doesn't sound like things will change, so why not get out now? Best of luck to you!

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

anti fishstick

i, by no means, am implying that you should break up with your bf bcos our situations seem 'almost identical'. i did what was right for me... you should do what's right for you.

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Double D

But aren't you, for all intents & purposes *alone* already?

There's a few red flags here:

You jumped into this relationship freshly out of another one (rebounding).

He's pulling away by immersing himself is his interests.

You are the one that has to inititate sex.

When you try to broach the topic of your relationship, he * chases you off* by getting upset, therefore ending the discussion before it begins.

He's sending you messages in a passive-aggressive way. He seems to want out of the relationship or perhaps something else is going on with him in his life that has disturbed him greatly
(maybe both).

Couples counseling is my recommendation.
If he won't go, then you go anyway.

fallen_angel

hmm dont know how you feel but i can honestly say that if i would have held on to my ex then i would probably be married by now. I got impatient cuz he was in the service and away alot and he didnt call me or anything for 3 months. I told him i couldnt handle it after that he said that he had come home to ask me to marry him. i felt like an ass. we lost contact for a year then 9/11 happened and i tracked him down finally. its been almost 2 years since i last saw him and he is coming to visit me at college tomorrow and im so excited, we worked everything out and he wants to get back together and see what happens. im so excited . . . so if you truely care for someone you will find a way to be together. dont know if this is exactly what you asked but thats my story

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from the Havens I have fallen. . . to the earth as a mangled form. . . writhing in pain, my wings torn and bloodied. . . I have one purpose, only one goal. . . to find you and love you, for I am your. . . fallen angel

Baileys

very sad. sounds like my life! Personally, I would print your post and let him *accidentially* find it. It would be a way for him to read your feelings w/o you being there for him to tell you are spoiled.

good luck

and yes.. you are alone in this relationship. I was alone for 6 years and I finally got out.

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Baileys

Steph

Rebounding can be tough. Breaking up when you're living with someone can be really tough (you're worried about finances, etc.). Concentrate on you for a while. Go for long walks, think about where you want to be.

Shyla Loral

Aww, sweetie, I know that's so hard to be in a relationship like that. I was married to someone like that. We were good friends in high school, and when we were married, it seemed good, but he would bring books to the table, out to eat, etc, and I was forbidden to speak when he was reading. We just didn't talk at all toward the end, we'd have sex maybe 6 times a year,at most, after I initiated it.
You are alone in this relationship. You probably feel lonely in the relationship. Let him know how you feel, tell him you really need to talk about the future, see if he feels how you do, where the relationship is going, etc. You may just have to let him go.
Whatever happens, remember, that you are strong and lovely lady.
Shyla

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"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead" Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac.

Meff r0x