ironmaiden7o7

My mother died in June of 2003 and I've never had the courage to speak to anyone about her death. I miss her a whole lot and often picture my life with her. I know she will never return, I will never have another moment with her again, nor will I ever be able to touch her again, but I often sit down during my quiet moments and just wish I had her. At times, I feel weak that I don't have parents, though I have people that cares about me and people that would do anything for me. My boyfriend's parents are exceptional, they are always there, but the fact that my OWN mother is my OWN mother usually haunts my mind and I can't seem to get her out of my head.

There are times when I am really angry with her for various reasons and there are also times when I miss her so much that my chest hurts and yet, there is noone to tell. I am looking at this computer screen and typing on the keyboard as a way of reaching out to someone because I am currently missing her and wish I had her around. Is there a better way to deal with death? Please don't get me wrong, I know that there are much, much worse occurances around the world that would make mine seem like something really minor but someone once told me that whenever I feel lost and in need of an ear or some eyes, I should reach out to people ...

ShaniFaye

I am that way about my grandfather, and he's been gone 10 years..he and I had a very special relationship that wasnt shared with him by my cousins...at least I dont think it was.. I will have a dream about him and wake up missing him something awful. I talk to him a lot, like I used to...laying in bed at nite if I have a problem, or if something particuarly wonderful has happened. . I wish I could tell you how to deal with it in a way that would work...but 10 years later I obviously still havent found a way. Just know that you're not the only one dealing with something like that

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Blackthorn

I lost my mother to a very sudden and unexpected death in March of 1996. I spent quite a while being very angry about how that happened. I can't imagine anything worse than losing your mother that way. To your point about things being much worse in other parts of the world...that may be true....but that's not YOUR world. I can relate to you very dearly about this. In my world I miss her every single day and it's been almost nine years. It's very true that you can't bring her back...but it's also true that you can move on and live in happiness with the great memories that you have of the time that you spent with her.

On December 20th, 2004 I buried my father. He struggled wildly for the last six years with poor health due to complications from what was supposed to be a normal "procedure". This was supposed to be a simple operation to clear a blocked artery feeding one of his kidneys. There's a long story about the series of events that unfolded during that ordeal that perhaps one day I will tell somewhere on these boards but that won't change the end of the story. He was a very proud and strong man who live the last 9 years of his life missing the woman that he was married to for 39 years.

After losing both parents in two wildly differnt ways I can tell you with 100% certainty that although my mother passed away at the young age of 58 she was definitely the lucky one. There was no pain, no suffering, no long term extended hostipal stays as he was admitted on 43 different occasions.

The ultimate irony to this is that we buried my father on the day, Dec 20th, of my mother's birth. I will miss them both for as long as I live.

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What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

Grasshopper Green

My brother died 7 months ago. It still hurts very much, although it is getting better. I know how you feel about not being able to talk about it with anyone; he committed suicide and there is still a stigma about this and a lot of people feel uncomfortable discussing something like this. I am still dealing with it each and every day; not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I guess my only advice is to take it one day at a time.

If you want to pm or email me, feel free. I would be happy to talk to you if you want to. There are some great folks at this site too, and I bet I'm not the only one who feels this way.

ironmaiden7o7

Guys, I am so sorry to hear about your tragedies. It breaks my heart when I read someone else's story, I know exactly how it feels. Medusa99, thanks so much for the invitation, I just might take you up on that. I am extremely sorry to hear about your brother, only 7 months ago, wow. Please know that I am all yours if you should need someone to vent.

ICER

My father died less then a year ago after a 2 yr battle with cancer. So I feel your loss. I think you should read my journal. It may give you some insight into your pain. It helped me just by writing it.

I know how alone you feel. It’s a loneliness I have to deal with myself. But you are not alone, there are people with the same type of pain you can lean on and draw strength from. We are here for you.

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What's the difference between congress and a penitentiary?
One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
~~David Letterman

ShaniFaye

I didnt say it, sorry for neglecting it, I was watching Johnny Depp and got distracted

Im also here for anyone that needs a shoulder!!!!

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

maleficent

Not really a family member for me... in 2001 my best friend, since kindergarden (that's more than 30 years) was killed. There's not a week goes by that I don't have to stop myself from picking up the phone to share something funny/annoying/good with him. There is not a day goes by that I don't miss him, it sounds trite, but part of me definitely died along with him that day, he lived, and continues to live in a place in my heart and soul that no one else has ever been and I honestly doubt anyone else will ever be.

Occassionally I find myself talking to him, but it's not the same thing as sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee or a bottle of wine just talking about anything and everything. It's the little things I miss more than anything, the "just because" emails or phone calls just to say "hey, I'm thinking about you". He was a wanted friend, not a needed friend.

It's OK to be angry with them for leaving you, anger is one of the stages of grief, don't focus on the anger, try to remember the good times with that person. Icer is correct in that writing it out can help a lot, it doesn't even have to be public, it can be just something you are doing for yourself to help you get thru it. There's no time frame on when you are supposed to "get over it" either, the last stage of grief is acceptance, and I think that's the place we all try to get to.

You are definitely not alone, so many people have a shared similar experience. This community is a great source of support, we can't change what happened, or bring back your mom, but we are here to listen to you.

One of the things that really helped me, was at my friends memorial service. His family asked a few of his friends to speak at it, and to share their memories of him. I was prepared for a really depressing event and had prepared some nice things to say, but was having a hard time with words that day, and spoke from my heart (once in a while I do have one) and started to tell some of the funny stories, and there were some doozies, the other people speaking did the same thing, and the memorial service was a day filled with laughter. Remember the happy times with your mom, share some of the goofy mom stories that we all have and can relate to, don't dwell on what you don't have and celebrate what you had with her.

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lurkette

Aw, hon, I'm so sorry

As you can see, you're not alone, either in your experience (so many people have lost loved ones; I lost my brother about the same time you lost your mom) or in people's willingness to listen.

One thing I found is that talking to people who have been through a loss really can help. Have you looked for a grief support group? One of the hardest things about losing my brother was feeling so isolated, like I was surrounded by people who just didn't understand, not because they're bad or insensitive, but just because grief over a death is something that you really don't understand till you've had to go through it yourself.

Another thing that helped me was writing a journal to my brother. When I wanted to talk to him, I just wrote it down. It might help you to express the things you're feeling to your mother, even if it's only writing it down as though you were saying it to her.

Just know that everyone's experience is a little different, and takes different amounts of time. But you will get through this. Sometimes that thought was the most depressing, that some day I wouldn't hurt any more, that I'd just be used to him being gone. But I haven't gotten used to it, really, I've just come to accept it more, and the hurt is less like a shock and something I resist than an old friend who reminds me what I loved and miss about my brother.

You can PM me any time if you want to chat.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Grancey

My mother died in April of 2002, 16 years after my father died and within a week of the date of his death. When your parents are gone, especially your mother, you wake up and realize how alone you are in the world. No one really cares about you the way your parents do. I am living in the family home right now, and as I go through the years of accumulated stuff sometimes I come across an old grocery store receipt, a newspaper article that I understand why she kept, or an item still in the bag that my mother purchased but never got around to using. That is the hard part. I know what you are going through, but there is no solution except time.

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Quiet, mild-mannered souls might just turn out to be roaring lions of two-fisted cool.

f6twister

My dad died in Oct of 2003 after 10 months of ups and downs. I think about him every day. He was only 55 and never got a chance to meet his first grandchild who was born 5 months later. It makes me very angry that he was taken so young, he never got to meet my son (and that my son will never know his grandfather), and that we will never speak again.

I haven't found anything which makes the pain go away. I sometimes stand and stare at my wedding picture on the wall of my wife and I together with our parents. I've accepted the fact that we will never meet again but the pain never leaves.....and I don't think I want it to. The pain I feel is also a reminder of how much my dad meant to me and it makes me feel a little better knowing that I miss him that much and always will.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

ironmaiden7o7

It's definitely encouraging to read stories and experiences from other people, it gives me more strength just knowing that I am not alone, thanks guys, for replying with something personal, it truly does help. I am truly sorry for the family members and friends that you all lost during the years ...

*Nikki*

This is a very sad thread.

I have had many people in die in my family during my lifetime. The one I still talk to in my head and sometimes out loud, is my grandma. There is nothing wrong with doing that. It helps me.

I cannot imagine though, loosing a parent. I don't even want to know what that will be like. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you know that you still can also talk to your mom. She is still with you, just not in the physical form that we find the most comforting. You have to learn how to find comfort in knowing that she is here and with you and accept that you still do have her in your life, just in another way.

I wish the best for you.

Squishor

My mother died on July 9, 2002, the day before my 39th birthday. The loss of my mother is indescribably painful and I don't think I'll ever get over it. Since my father died when I was 13, I now have no parents. I'm 41 years old and I feel like an orphan. I don't have anyone to go to who can give me that certain kind of comfort that a parent can give. I feel alone in a very final sense. Your post made me start crying - I know how you feel.

When my mother died, the owner of my company came to me and said, "You go through your life and you see people who lose their parents and you think, 'wow, that must be awful, they must be in a lot of pain.' But you never really understand what they are going through, and you don't really want to think about it that hard. Then it happens to you, and it's like not only the rug has been pulled out from under you, but the floor and all the earth that you thought was there to hold you up is just gone. And you are in so much grief you don't think you can go on for another minute, much less the rest of your life. And you realize, 'so that's what they were going through. How did they ever survive?' But you do survive, because you have to." It realy helped me to know that there was someone who understood how I was feeling.

When I feel sad about my mother, I think about the part of her that lives on in me and I try to have a good time, because that's what she would have wanted.

ironmaiden7o7

Honey, I am so sorry for your losses. It's amazing how much this affects people. I feel like an orphan all the time, but wow, 41 and you actually feel like it. I guess you never know how others truly feel until you tell them how tough it is on you. Hang in there ...

viejo gringo

Sounds like you had a real good relation ship with your mother..
and those are the good times that you need to remember...not any of the sad times....they are gone forever...

...and I can tell you this with all my heart---my mom passed away two weeks ago last night.....it's a little tough..sometimes you just have to go off by yourself and let it out...

of coarse I can look at the sobering reality that I am 71 and she was the last of that generation...now I am the last generation...she died at 93...VG

ironmaiden7o7

Wow, she lived such a long life. I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there. <Hug>