ok, need a little advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

theycallmelisa · 12-18-2006, 07:39 AM

I just got engaged and plan to get married in May. from the start, i said i wanted a small very private wedding, close relatives only, and it's going to be held at his sisters house.

Well, my friend, who I consider my only real friend and best friend, (and who considers me the same way) last night told me she wants to be maid of honour. I told her that I wasn't doing it that way, wasn't having a wedding party, etc... she pushed and pushed at the issue was so excited for me, was saying how much she wanted to be standing up there with me, and that she wants to make a toast at the dinner and all that. I felt kind of backed into the corner and didn't want to hurt her feelings because she was SO excited, so I said yes...

Now I'm wishing I hadn't. The more I think about it, the more I just want it the way I was originally thinking... CLOSE family only.. hell I'm not even inviting my cousins that I grew up with! Only my parents, my brother, and my grandma (and colin's side respectively)...

How can I tell her that I've changed my mind? She is going to be soooo hurt and I'm afriad she'll be really offended, thinking I don't want her there...

What do I say?

JustJess · 12-18-2006, 07:47 AM

Frankly.... you just tell her. As simply, and kindly put as you can. But as this is your wedding, you must take hold and shape it to what you what - it very quickly morphs into something everyone else wants, and that's rather frustrating. She's going to be hurt. She's going to be upset. But the only thing you can do is to be honest, and make sure she knows that it's not about HER or your friendship with her, but about how you dream of your own wedding day. That when she gets married, you want to help her have it exactly as she wants it. That you're just not the traditional type.

It's all you can do. If she loves you that much, she'll get over it eventually. People just get so excited about this stuff, they forget to listen. There's no easy way to make her do so. Good luck, and congratulations on your engagement!

lurkette · 12-18-2006, 08:29 AM

A couple of questions:

1. Are you having any kind of celebration or reception for bigger family and friends? If so, perhaps she could be involved in that instead of the actual ceremony.

2. If you let her attend, will it cause hurt feelings among other friends and family? Is she close enough to you to be considered "family?" Do your other cousins/relatives live close to you? If not, you could easily justify her attending and them not.

If there's no reason not to have her attend besides that it's not what you envisioned, what would it hurt to have her there? If it's going to cause hard feelings and open the door to other people whining about why they can't be there, then explain to her gently that the ceremony is for immediate family only (and that her presence would cause problems with the rest of the family). If it's possible to have her be involved some other way, like at the reception to give a toast, offer that to her instead.

The_Jazz · 12-18-2006, 08:31 AM

Basicall JJ got hit all the high points. It's your wedding so you get to do it the way you want. No one else gets input if you don't want them to have input. If you want to have it underwater, so be it.

HOWEVER, I do think that I need to point out that weddings are also big deals to a lot of people that aren't you. If you're going with the underwater theme and your mother doesn't dive, she has ever right to be pissed off. That's neither right nor wrong, but she gets to feel her own emotions. So your friend who tried to be a part of your big day may get those feelings hurt. If you're not going to have a traditional wedding party, then I suggest finding some other job for her or appointing her "honorary" maid of honor to deal with something so you don't have to. Maybe invite her along to help find a wedding dress. I assume that you'll invite some friends to your wedding but that no one other than you two and whoever's officiating will be up front. If you aren't inviting your closest friend, how close are you really?

Congratulations, by the way.

Brewmaniac · 12-18-2006, 08:42 AM

Lisa, this your wedding and you have your dreams, so as Jess, suggested you must gently tell her how it's going to be. Do you want her at your wedding at all? If you do, maybe you could give here a smaller job like holding your flowers or something or give the first toast at the reception. It's just a thought?

I know my wife wanted the church part her way and she let the mothers do the reception and all was well.

I didn't do the traditional thing either, my best men were my two brothers, not my best friend.

It's your day, have it your way!

edit: I'm a slow typer so It looks like I'm just saying what others already posted.

Lady Sage · 12-18-2006, 08:42 AM

Congrats, I am getting married in May as well.

My best friend of 16 years got married 8 years ago and I wasnt invited. This caused one hell of a rift in the friendship. We didnt talk for a very very long time. I am still hurt over it. We had planned since high school to be eachothers maid of honor.

I too am having a small wedding (about 50 people total). Only close friends and family will even get an invitation. She will be standing next to me as my maid of honor. No matter what we have been through, how angry we have been, life keeps throwing us together and I wouldnt trade her for the world.

The only problem I have had was the bachelorette party. She is throwing it and I told her there is to be NO bar hopping. I would rather just have a little sleep over with wine and board games, popcorn and movies. *Shrug* we will see.

theycallmelisa · 12-18-2006, 09:07 AM

Well, when I say small wedding, I mean SMALL ... I mean 13 people. I was only planning on having my parents, his parents, grandmas, siblings and my aunt and uncle. That's it. We're going to have it in a house, where we stand at the "alter", say our vows, then just have a nice sit down dinner (still at the house)... No big reception, very very little cost and very little hype around it. Some people might ask why I'd want to do it htat way seeing as its one of the biggest days of my life and "every girl dreams of a nice big wedding" but honestly, I only want my family there. She IS a close friend, although it's not like we've been lifelong friends; our friendship resulted from both of us being pregnant at the same time and having that in common. We've only been close friends for about 7 months.

There wasn't going to be a wedding party at all. My son was going to be the ring bearer, and I wasn't really planning on having anyone stand with me. It's not a matter of not wanting HER to be my maid of honour, it's a matter of not wanting a maid of honour period... If I WERE to have a wedding party, she would be my maid of honour hands down, but I wasn't planning on it. i've backed myself in a corner and said yes, because she was so excited about it and i felt bad, but now I'm wishing I wouldve just been firm in telling her my plans.

maleficent · 12-18-2006, 09:11 AM

just be honest with her - don't come up wtih a story to spare her feelings - just tell the truth - what you said above.... sure one more person probably won't make a difference but it's family only...

Are you going to wear a special dress? Maybe ask her to go shopping with you for the dress? Or have a girls night where you can do something fun together...

kurty[B] · 12-18-2006, 09:15 AM

Everything you just said in that last post, you should let her know (as nicely and politely as possible). It's YOUR day, not hers. Do it how you want! Yes, she'll be offended, yes she'll have a problem with it. If she's a real friend she'll understand the situation, and after some time you'll both be great friends. If she let's it get to her and you lose your friendship over YOU wanting what YOU want for YOUR wedding, then she's not the best friend you could have.

cj2112 · 12-18-2006, 09:24 AM

show her this thread

ngdawg · 12-18-2006, 09:32 AM

Funny thing about wedding plans-they don't always go exactly the way you want. There will be hurt feelings, stress, compromising, etc...
If you are closer than sisters, perhaps having her stand witness would not be bad but ultimately, it is your decision and you have to weigh one thing against another. And you know how she is and how she might take the change of mind.
Insinuating herself into the plans was pushy, admittedly. But she did so out of love and excitement for you.
It comes down to which could you live with more? Changing your mind, thereby possibly hurting the feelings of your best friend(she'll feel left out, etc), or including her as an important person in your life and sharing the most important day of your life with her?

abaya · 12-18-2006, 09:36 AM

I suggest you cruise on over to kvetch.indiebride.com for help. LOTS of women go through this kind of thing... there's a whole forum there on Bridesmaid issues.

Personally, I agree with everyone else: be honest with her. If you ask me, it was completely rude for her to invite herself to be your maid of honor, and it shows a disturbing lack of respect for you and your boundaries. I would be pretty offended if any of my girlfriends had said something like that; they'd probably be uninvited to the wedding itself.

But that's just bitchy ol' me.

theycallmelisa · 12-18-2006, 10:08 AM

thanks for all the replies
abaya, the link didn't work...

oh n/m abaya, I just searched for indiebride and found it. Thanks

a quick afterthought: wouldn't it be insulting to involve her in the dress shopping and things like that, but not involve her in the wedding itself? Kind of like "hey, help me plan and prepare, but don't come!" ?

genuinegirly · 12-19-2006, 02:03 AM

7 months and she's pressuring you into letting her take part in your wedding?

ok.

You need to tell this woman what you've told us. She has no place in this service.
If you are still friends with her in 10 years, great. Most likely, you won't.

lurkette · 12-19-2006, 07:32 AM

OK, yeah....7 months? I was picturing a lifelong-since-childhood best friend. If she's truly your best friend (and not just wanting the attention of playing a central role in a wedding party) she'll understand when you tell her "immediate family only." There's really nothing for her to DO, since you're not having the big wedding with the bridesmaids and the formal dinner with a toast and all. So just tell her that you reacted prematurely to her enthusiasm, and you're grateful for her desire to be supportive, but this is what you and your fiance agreed upon, and it really wouldn't be appropriate for her to participate.

little_tippler · 12-19-2006, 07:42 AM

Hmm....sticky situation. Weird that you'd call her your only real friend and also your best friend after 7 months only.

If you didn't want her there, you should have stuck with that and not said yes when she pressured you. If she wouldn't understand, then she's not such a great friend if she can't respect your wishes on what is an important day for you. It's your day.

If she was a more long-term and very close friend, I would never say yes and then take it back. No matter how close you are, rifts like that are always hard to mend, if they ever really do mend. Once trust is broken, it never comes back in the same way, even if you are able to forgive.

Since I could never consider a friend of only 7 months as important as you seem to consider her, I'd be straight with her and explain that you want something intimate (family only) and she can celebrate with you in a separate occasion/time. Though for me, I can't understand why you're so adamant about only family. If it's just about numbers, one more or less is not a big deal.

Halx · 12-19-2006, 08:37 AM

Sounds like she's only in that position of being your best friend because of her insistance to be there. You don't owe people like that anything. Its easy to go with the flow and just do what people want out of you, but don't you think your wedding is a good place to start carving your own path?

Infinite_Loser · 12-19-2006, 08:54 AM

Perhaps it's just me, but if she's truly your best friend and your only real friend, then why wouldn't you invite her to the wedding?

Just my $.02 on the subject.

DaElf · 12-19-2006, 09:26 AM

What has the potential for lasting longer the marriage or the friendship?

zkara · 12-19-2006, 12:15 PM

It's YOUR wedding. Do it YOUR way. If she's a friend, a real friend, be it 7 months or childhood since, she shouldn't have a problem understanding how you want it for YOURself. My friends have no problem that I'm about to just go do it in CityHall with a stranger I pull off the streets as a witness. They are just as excited and happy for me.

12-18-2006, 07:39 AM	#1 (permalink)
theycallmelisa Banned	ok, need a little advice I just got engaged and plan to get married in May. from the start, i said i wanted a small very private wedding, close relatives only, and it's going to be held at his sisters house. Well, my friend, who I consider my only real friend and best friend, (and who considers me the same way) last night told me she wants to be maid of honour. I told her that I wasn't doing it that way, wasn't having a wedding party, etc... she pushed and pushed at the issue was so excited for me, was saying how much she wanted to be standing up there with me, and that she wants to make a toast at the dinner and all that. I felt kind of backed into the corner and didn't want to hurt her feelings because she was SO excited, so I said yes... Now I'm wishing I hadn't. The more I think about it, the more I just want it the way I was originally thinking... CLOSE family only.. hell I'm not even inviting my cousins that I grew up with! Only my parents, my brother, and my grandma (and colin's side respectively)... How can I tell her that I've changed my mind? She is going to be soooo hurt and I'm afriad she'll be really offended, thinking I don't want her there... What do I say?

12-18-2006, 07:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	Frankly.... you just tell her. As simply, and kindly put as you can. But as this is your wedding, you must take hold and shape it to what you what - it very quickly morphs into something everyone else wants, and that's rather frustrating. She's going to be hurt. She's going to be upset. But the only thing you can do is to be honest, and make sure she knows that it's not about HER or your friendship with her, but about how you dream of your own wedding day. That when she gets married, you want to help her have it exactly as she wants it. That you're just not the traditional type. It's all you can do. If she loves you that much, she'll get over it eventually. People just get so excited about this stuff, they forget to listen. There's no easy way to make her do so. Good luck, and congratulations on your engagement! __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

12-18-2006, 08:29 AM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	A couple of questions: 1. Are you having any kind of celebration or reception for bigger family and friends? If so, perhaps she could be involved in that instead of the actual ceremony. 2. If you let her attend, will it cause hurt feelings among other friends and family? Is she close enough to you to be considered "family?" Do your other cousins/relatives live close to you? If not, you could easily justify her attending and them not. If there's no reason not to have her attend besides that it's not what you envisioned, what would it hurt to have her there? If it's going to cause hard feelings and open the door to other people whining about why they can't be there, then explain to her gently that the ceremony is for immediate family only (and that her presence would cause problems with the rest of the family). If it's possible to have her be involved some other way, like at the reception to give a toast, offer that to her instead. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

12-18-2006, 08:31 AM	#4 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	Basicall JJ got hit all the high points. It's your wedding so you get to do it the way you want. No one else gets input if you don't want them to have input. If you want to have it underwater, so be it. HOWEVER, I do think that I need to point out that weddings are also big deals to a lot of people that aren't you. If you're going with the underwater theme and your mother doesn't dive, she has ever right to be pissed off. That's neither right nor wrong, but she gets to feel her own emotions. So your friend who tried to be a part of your big day may get those feelings hurt. If you're not going to have a traditional wedding party, then I suggest finding some other job for her or appointing her "honorary" maid of honor to deal with something so you don't have to. Maybe invite her along to help find a wedding dress. I assume that you'll invite some friends to your wedding but that no one other than you two and whoever's officiating will be up front. If you aren't inviting your closest friend, how close are you really? Congratulations, by the way. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

12-18-2006, 08:42 AM	#5 (permalink)
Brewmaniac Searching for the perfect brew!	Lisa, this your wedding and you have your dreams, so as Jess, suggested you must gently tell her how it's going to be. Do you want her at your wedding at all? If you do, maybe you could give here a smaller job like holding your flowers or something or give the first toast at the reception. It's just a thought? I know my wife wanted the church part her way and she let the mothers do the reception and all was well. I didn't do the traditional thing either, my best men were my two brothers, not my best friend. It's your day, have it your way! edit: I'm a slow typer so It looks like I'm just saying what others already posted. __________________ "That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son" Last edited by Brewmaniac; 12-18-2006 at 08:48 AM..

12-18-2006, 08:42 AM	#6 (permalink)
Lady Sage Mistress of Mayhem Location: Canton, Ohio	Congrats, I am getting married in May as well. My best friend of 16 years got married 8 years ago and I wasnt invited. This caused one hell of a rift in the friendship. We didnt talk for a very very long time. I am still hurt over it. We had planned since high school to be eachothers maid of honor. I too am having a small wedding (about 50 people total). Only close friends and family will even get an invitation. She will be standing next to me as my maid of honor. No matter what we have been through, how angry we have been, life keeps throwing us together and I wouldnt trade her for the world. The only problem I have had was the bachelorette party. She is throwing it and I told her there is to be NO bar hopping. I would rather just have a little sleep over with wine and board games, popcorn and movies. Shrug we will see. __________________ If only closed minds came with closed mouths. Minds are like parachutes, they function best when open. It`s Easier to Change a Condom Than a Diaper Yes, the rumors are true... I actually AM a Witch.

12-18-2006, 09:07 AM	#7 (permalink)
theycallmelisa Banned	Well, when I say small wedding, I mean SMALL ... I mean 13 people. I was only planning on having my parents, his parents, grandmas, siblings and my aunt and uncle. That's it. We're going to have it in a house, where we stand at the "alter", say our vows, then just have a nice sit down dinner (still at the house)... No big reception, very very little cost and very little hype around it. Some people might ask why I'd want to do it htat way seeing as its one of the biggest days of my life and "every girl dreams of a nice big wedding" but honestly, I only want my family there. She IS a close friend, although it's not like we've been lifelong friends; our friendship resulted from both of us being pregnant at the same time and having that in common. We've only been close friends for about 7 months. There wasn't going to be a wedding party at all. My son was going to be the ring bearer, and I wasn't really planning on having anyone stand with me. It's not a matter of not wanting HER to be my maid of honour, it's a matter of not wanting a maid of honour period... If I WERE to have a wedding party, she would be my maid of honour hands down, but I wasn't planning on it. i've backed myself in a corner and said yes, because she was so excited about it and i felt bad, but now I'm wishing I wouldve just been firm in telling her my plans.

12-18-2006, 09:11 AM	#8 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	just be honest with her - don't come up wtih a story to spare her feelings - just tell the truth - what you said above.... sure one more person probably won't make a difference but it's family only... Are you going to wear a special dress? Maybe ask her to go shopping with you for the dress? Or have a girls night where you can do something fun together... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

12-18-2006, 09:15 AM	#9 (permalink)
kurty[B] Sauce Puppet	Everything you just said in that last post, you should let her know (as nicely and politely as possible). It's YOUR day, not hers. Do it how you want! Yes, she'll be offended, yes she'll have a problem with it. If she's a real friend she'll understand the situation, and after some time you'll both be great friends. If she let's it get to her and you lose your friendship over YOU wanting what YOU want for YOUR wedding, then she's not the best friend you could have.

12-18-2006, 09:24 AM	#10 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	show her this thread

12-18-2006, 09:32 AM	#11 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Funny thing about wedding plans-they don't always go exactly the way you want. There will be hurt feelings, stress, compromising, etc... If you are closer than sisters, perhaps having her stand witness would not be bad but ultimately, it is your decision and you have to weigh one thing against another. And you know how she is and how she might take the change of mind. Insinuating herself into the plans was pushy, admittedly. But she did so out of love and excitement for you. It comes down to which could you live with more? Changing your mind, thereby possibly hurting the feelings of your best friend(she'll feel left out, etc), or including her as an important person in your life and sharing the most important day of your life with her? __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

12-18-2006, 09:36 AM	#12 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	I suggest you cruise on over to kvetch.indiebride.com for help. LOTS of women go through this kind of thing... there's a whole forum there on Bridesmaid issues. Personally, I agree with everyone else: be honest with her. If you ask me, it was completely rude for her to invite herself to be your maid of honor, and it shows a disturbing lack of respect for you and your boundaries. I would be pretty offended if any of my girlfriends had said something like that; they'd probably be uninvited to the wedding itself. But that's just bitchy ol' me. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran Last edited by abaya; 12-21-2006 at 08:52 AM.. Reason: wrong website

12-18-2006, 10:08 AM	#13 (permalink)
theycallmelisa Banned	thanks for all the replies abaya, the link didn't work... oh n/m abaya, I just searched for indiebride and found it. Thanks a quick afterthought: wouldn't it be insulting to involve her in the dress shopping and things like that, but not involve her in the wedding itself? Kind of like "hey, help me plan and prepare, but don't come!" ? Last edited by theycallmelisa; 12-18-2006 at 10:12 AM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

12-19-2006, 02:03 AM	#14 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	7 months and she's pressuring you into letting her take part in your wedding? ok. You need to tell this woman what you've told us. She has no place in this service. If you are still friends with her in 10 years, great. Most likely, you won't. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

12-19-2006, 07:32 AM	#15 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	OK, yeah....7 months? I was picturing a lifelong-since-childhood best friend. If she's truly your best friend (and not just wanting the attention of playing a central role in a wedding party) she'll understand when you tell her "immediate family only." There's really nothing for her to DO, since you're not having the big wedding with the bridesmaids and the formal dinner with a toast and all. So just tell her that you reacted prematurely to her enthusiasm, and you're grateful for her desire to be supportive, but this is what you and your fiance agreed upon, and it really wouldn't be appropriate for her to participate. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

12-19-2006, 07:42 AM	#16 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	Hmm....sticky situation. Weird that you'd call her your only real friend and also your best friend after 7 months only. If you didn't want her there, you should have stuck with that and not said yes when she pressured you. If she wouldn't understand, then she's not such a great friend if she can't respect your wishes on what is an important day for you. It's your day. If she was a more long-term and very close friend, I would never say yes and then take it back. No matter how close you are, rifts like that are always hard to mend, if they ever really do mend. Once trust is broken, it never comes back in the same way, even if you are able to forgive. Since I could never consider a friend of only 7 months as important as you seem to consider her, I'd be straight with her and explain that you want something intimate (family only) and she can celebrate with you in a separate occasion/time. Though for me, I can't understand why you're so adamant about only family. If it's just about numbers, one more or less is not a big deal. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

12-19-2006, 08:37 AM	#17 (permalink)
Halx Please touch this. Owner/Admin Location: Manhattan	Sounds like she's only in that position of being your best friend because of her insistance to be there. You don't owe people like that anything. Its easy to go with the flow and just do what people want out of you, but don't you think your wedding is a good place to start carving your own path? __________________ You have found this post informative. -The Administrator [Don't Feed The Animals]

12-19-2006, 08:54 AM	#18 (permalink)
Infinite_Loser Junkie Location: Lake Mary, FL	Perhaps it's just me, but if she's truly your best friend and your only real friend, then why wouldn't you invite her to the wedding? Just my $.02 on the subject. __________________ I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

12-19-2006, 09:26 AM	#19 (permalink)
DaElf Tilted Location: Washington	What has the potential for lasting longer the marriage or the friendship? __________________ I'm sitting at my desk right now waiting for you to reply to the above message.

12-19-2006, 12:15 PM	#20 (permalink)
zkara Tilt me. Location: Midflight	It's YOUR wedding. Do it YOUR way. If she's a friend, a real friend, be it 7 months or childhood since, she shouldn't have a problem understanding how you want it for YOURself. My friends have no problem that I'm about to just go do it in CityHall with a stranger I pull off the streets as a witness. They are just as excited and happy for me.