randomness

So. I've never been raped but my mother was before I was born and I think she has instilled some very unhealthy ideas about sex in me - unconsciouslly and unheathily. Throughout highschool there were probably 4 or 5 guys that could be said to have sexually harrassed me. My father and brother - male role models - are asses. Anyways, all this has conspired to give me a very unhealthy view of sex. Not to mention my religious upbringing.
My bf mentioned to me the other day that he thinks I think he's an ass/bad guy BECAUSE he wants to have sex with me and because he loves me.
I don't really know what my point is except to say - how do I get over this - other than time?
Thanks.

chriswin8

No time tends to heal all wounds. I don't know how old you are... But you will know when you are ready to take that kind of step. Not saying he is... But dont be pushed into doing something you are not ready for.

ngdawg

Rape, while it is sex-based, is a crime of violence-an overpowering of the victim in a vile, most personal way.
Consensual sex, on the other hand, can be considered a taking of your own power back, a freeing of yourself in the discovery of your needs and emotions and powers. But until you trust yourself, you're not going to enjoy it. It also seems your boyfriend is lacking in self-trust, or that, due to your own inhibitions, he is feeling so guilty about how he feels about you that now he thinks he's the bad guy.
Guessing here, but it would seem your aversion is based on a sound history of distrust of men, but that isn't your fault coming in. It becomes your fault when you choose not to change that line of thinking. Most men are worthy of trust and love, they are kind, caring and just as emotionally delicate as women are thought to be.
How to get over this imbedded distrust? You might need the help of a professional. In the meantime, allay your boyfriends fears if you can. Trust him and assure him he is not bad for feeling how he does about you. You have a lot of work ahead of you, it seems, but the payoffs are so worth it.

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Rodney

Well, I can't say it better than ngdawg, but I'll concur. Keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriends. Tell him what the feelings are behind your actions; he needs to know if the issues have something to do with him, or with things carried forward from your past. It'll help you to analyze this for yourself, help him cope _and_ help him figure out how to respond constructively.

You'll also earn his further admiration for being a self-aware person. Being a together and mature person is not about being free of problems; it's about being self-aware of those problems and dealing with them constructively.

I would agree with talking finding some professional help, or a professionally-led support group. It really helps to hear from, and compare notes with, other people who have the same problems.

snow wombat

WHy don't you tell him what you wrote at the beginning of this post? Or better, make him read it. He sill surely get the picture. If he doesn't just flush him!

>>>. I am sure he will understand very quickly and you will both grow in your relationship...

NoSoup

Hrm...

In this thread you said

It seems that he may be a bit conflicted...

My suggestion would be not to have sex until you're ready - and if your boyfriend doesn't understand that, get rid of him. It sounds almost like he is trying to guilt-trip you into it...

If time doesn't heal all wounds, you may want to consider therapy - either way, I wish you the best!

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katie_ann1031

Have you ever thought of seeing a sexual therapist? Might help.

randomness

Clearly I wasn't clear. My bf is fine without having sex and I believe him. This 'pressure' is just self-inflicted. My point in this post was to say that I have unhealthy views toward sex b/c I think of him as an ass when he wants to sleep with me. Sorry about the miscommunication.

MSD

I don't know how old you are, but if you're still young, time away from your family and all the bad influences is the first step. I'm going to guess that you're probably in the 18-25 age group and either living at home full-time or living away at school part-time. Until you sever ties with the cause of a problem, it won't go away. Once you do, time does heal all wounds.

maleficent

Just a clarification... You've made it clear to your boyfriend that you want to wait XX amount of time before you sleep with him. He said he was OK with it. But now he's not OK with it and wants to have sex with you, and you think he's an ass for wanting to do so.

If I remember the last post, this guy is several years older than you are and not in your immediate geographic area.

Your views towards sex may be unhealthy, and for that you can get help, but I don't think that your boyfriend is helping the matter any. You've said what you want to do and gave your reasons, now he's trying to change your mind. From all you've said your relationship with your boyfriend is bordering on unhealthy.

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randomness

No. He understands my reasons and agrees and is willing to wait. And there is no presure in that area - from him - at all. He's still human though - and wants to sleep with me - even though he knows he won't for XX amount of time.

When I said that I think he's an ass for wanting to sleep with me - that was an example of how my views are messed up and has nothing to do with his actions/thoughts.

He's not trying to change my mind about sex. He says and I say that I'll be ready when I'm ready and he just wanted me to know that when I'm ready he'll be ready (that he wants to sleep with me).

Toaster126

Therapy is a good idea. It will help you work through your problems and better yourself as a person. I think your focus should be on yourself right now, not your boyfriend's feelings.

That said, I think it's perfectly normal and healthy for your boyfriend to want to have sex with his girlfriend. I think rather than setting arbitrary limits on when you decide to sleep with him, you should communicate with him your feelings on the matter. I think it's reasonable for men and women to want sex with their S.O. and be uncomfortable if it isn't happening. I also think it's a sign of serious relationship problems, but that's neither here nor there.

I had a friend of mine who was in a similar situation ask me for advice; I told her the same thing... she ended up getting therapy and is in a much better place now.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

777

Interesting. Maybe if you two (randomness and "what's his name") worked your way up to full blow sex rather than starting from there. Such as oral for either of you (or both at once), making out with you tops off, feelin' each other up (clothing optional), etc. Just try something that you're both comfortable with and have some fun .

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Roger Zelazny