former newt

ok so i've started college and am already getting pretty interested in a girl. i'm talkin relationship interested, not just one-night-stand interested. maybe i should clarify that she's a year ahead of me in the same scholar program that i'm in at my university, so i had known her slightly before the following. it started when we met at a party to which a bunch of people from the program i'm in went as a group. i just kinda relaxed instead of actually joining in on drinking or dancing or the extraneous drugs floating around. she's usually one of the girls who drinks with her friends and dances the whole night. but she seemed to want to meet some of the underclassmen in the program, so she started talkin to me. she ended up spending basically the entire duration of our stay at the party talkin to me. i didn't really think too much about it at first, since that's happened to me a few times before. but as our group of fellow scholars went to 2 more parties, i ended up spending those times with her as well. so i started getting interested, since i think she's pretty cute. i got her screenname and number after that, and since then i've talked to her online for a few hours at a time, every night with few exceptions. now i'd have definitely made it clear i want this to progress into something more, except she said "i'm not hitting on you or anything" a few times. the strange thing is, i've been getting these sly little insinuations from her friends and mine about us, and i hear when she talks to my friends she expresses "slightly more than casual interest."

so what the hell's goin on here? is she or is she not hitting on me?

and finally, i actually enjoy being her friend, and if she doesn't actually want a relationship, i don't want to ruin our friendship. what should i do in order to make it clear that i am interested in a relationship without being too aggressive and straining our friendship?

Martian

Just do it. If she's not interested she'll make it clear and at that point you can make it clear you still want to be friends. And then follow through. If she tells you she's not interested, she's not interested and never will be so just move on with it and accept that you'll just be friends with her.

I've never had a friendship ruined by someone expressing an interesting in going further that the other doesn't share, regardless of which side of it I was on. She obviously wants to be your friend and she's not going to suddenly change her mind if you tell her you want more.

Odds are she knows already anyway; women are pretty good at picking up on these things. And by the way for the purposes of this discussion if she says something like 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' then that means she's not interested.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

middy

I highly suggest you try moving the relationship to a physical nature and see how she reacts. I'm not suggesting you try and kiss her right away or something like that but try touching her. Touch her arm, touch the small of her back - not awkwardly but when you get a chance (like leaning into to tell her something at a party). See how see responds, if you get no reaction or even better she starts responding by touching you, make a move. That's the easiest way to tell; if you are openly touching her and she’s not reacting negatively you have a chance to progress a relationship.

I wouldn’t wait too long, you have built a good chemistry with her (from all of the conversations you have spoke of) but the longer you go without making her respect you as a male the better chance you’ll get pushed into a friendship relationship. My experience is that women who don’t see you as a sexual being will place you in their mind as a “friend”. A guy she can interact with without being afraid he’ll be trying to hit on her or make out with her, etc. Getting out of the friends zone is not impossible but it’s very hard.

BTW on her friends dropping you hints that means nothing in terms of helping you make the next step. It’s a positive sign IF you make that next step with her; but until you do it all they are doing is playing cheerleaders which will not help you at all. Forget about what they are saying and make up your own mind.

One more point on what Martian said. I think it’s important for you, former newt, to make a decision. If you feel a friendship is all you want out of dealing with her, then accept that and be done with it. Have a good time hanging out with her but don't let her monopolize your time. Go out with her but be looking around for other women to date and talk to them. She's your friend; not a girl friend. On the other hand if you want more then just to be her friend; don't settle for friendship, make a move and make it clear. Trust me it hurts a lot to be friends with a girl that you'd rather be dating, a lot.

One question, since I provided such a long answer, for the women who I know will be posting later. If a guy who you consider a friend made a pass at you or approached you in a way that made it clear he was looking to be more then friends with you; would you instantly dump a friendship with him because of that? Would you forgive him or try and clear up the situation to remain his friend? (Sorry for thread jacking in advance)

Sugarmouse

id wait for the oppurtunityy-maybe when she says 'im not hittin on u' or soemthing similar again
and just let her know.say something like


'i know youre not ****(name) i love been freiends with u but if u ever did want to take it further i would love to! but dnt get me wrong im quite happy been your friend! jus felt i had to let u know i like u!
that way shes under no pressure (pressure often makes women run the other way)
yet shes aware the oppurtunity is there.and also you are not giving too much away.tellin her you are madly in love with her n think shes the only one for u etc etc can make u sound too full on.this way she is aware, but there is stil mystery about ur feelings

JMHO

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Sugarmouse=Festered

Cimarron29414

Good advice all around here. I think the casual touching idea is a good one. I also think you have to move it forward now if you plan on moving it forward at all. Some other dude is going to slide on in there if you don't step up. Does she play with her hair when she talks to you? That's a good sign.

Her: "I'm not trying to hit on you or anything."
You: "Good, because I don't think I would stop you if you did."

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JStrider

everyones said pretty good things...
definently try the touching thing...


oh and no ones said this... you mentioned you talk to her online a lot... just dont ask her out online, not the way to do it...

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

analog

sounds like maybe she's just makin' you work for it, she's a little shy, or she's being coy. regardless, the next step will be on you- she's not going to make it. ask her out on a proper date (don't do it online) and see where things lead.

former newt

update:

well late at night and not in the right state of mind, she made her intentions slightly more obvious. she instant messaged me and she basically told me outright that she thinks we should date. now this news isn't bad at all, but i dunno if i can trust it since she was kinda under the influence...

i told her that i agree with her and that if she felt the same way under sober conditions, i woudln't be upset, but i didn't say anything really definitive. so...that's the current situation.

Poppinjay

Ah, if she said it tipsy or even drunk, that means it's been on her mind. Anything more would require her to have "former newt DATE ME" tatooed on her forehead.

You can trust her statement.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Glory's Sun

ask for a blowjob..

how she answers that should let you know her intentions

Jinn

Ever watch NASCAR? The cars do a few loops around the track really slow to warm up their tires, and then they get the "GO GO GO GO-- Booooogity boooogity boooooo!" That's when the cars take off around the track.

You just got a Boogity. Good luck, dont forget to warm up your tires, and certainly don't forget to get new tires every once and a while (a pit-stop for rubbers, if you will).

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Poppinjay

<img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/76/Glen_Quagmire.png/180px-Glen_Quagmire.png">

Yeah, make sure you use a rain jacket! Giggidy giggidy goo!

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

pig

Hey newt,

Sounds like you're in. Have fun, watch your step - have a nice weekend

For future reference, unless you're related to her, if a girl says "I'm not hitting on you" it means "I'm hitting on you." If she wasn't, 9 times out of 10 she wouldn't think to qualify her statement.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Martian

Alcohol lowers inhibitions. It does not put thoughts in your head that weren't there before you started drinking. If she said she wants to date while tipsy, she wants to date.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

pig

Damn striggety: I personally advocate not getting horizontal for the first time if the decision to do so was made while under the influence, but recognize the underlying desire is definately there.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

former newt

another update: i talked to her after her confession, when she was sober.

turns out she has been thinking about us dating for a little while now. however, she said she does not know whether or not she should follow through with her feelings since she has a really busy schedule, (as do i) and does not know if she could feel happy about giving up time from a relationship for her schedule or giving up time from her schedule for a relationship. so obviously this looks like a case of conflicting desires; she wants to maintain her goals and does not want to compromise her schedule, but she also wants a relationship but does not want to start one that might fail due to

that's the current situation.

Salomon

The question is whether her "schedule" would include you or not. She's just being coy. What does her schedule include? Homework, hanging out with her friends, a job? Does she play sports, in the chess club, dorm monitor, other extracurricular stuff? Why couldn't she incorporate you into her schedule, or you could try to incorporate her into your schedule. Maybe for starters, ask her if she wants to study with you one afternoon/evening. Ask her out for coffee, a movie, etc. Next thing you know, maybe YOU become her schedule.

former newt

well we're both in a highly accelerated honors program, and since she's a year ahead of me she's been focusing on preparation for a standardized exam that is required for admittance into the graduate school. so i can totally understand why she might feel that she needs to keep her priorities geared toward her future. i'll be doin the same in terms of preparation next year. however, i'd still like to understand how i can make it more clear to her that if she feels like i do, we should go for it, but slowly or in a way that wouldn't adversely affect her preparation. i don't wanna take her away from her goals, but i do want her to indulge in her desires, and thus mine.

middy

Trust me, take a chance. At least you will know later to yourself that you did take that chance instead of regretting it. Regret always hurts more then things just not working out.

former newt

UPDATE:

well. not much progress. of course i haven't really been able to see her or talk to her that much for a while. but as far as i know, she feels the same way still.

however, maybe i'm paranoid or something, but i feel like there's a strain between us. maybe i feel this way only because we haven't been able to talk much or see each other for a little while. maybe i feel this way because when we do talk, however short a time it is, i feel as if both of us are just struggling to find something to say. i really don't know whether or not we're gonna be anything but friends.

basically her feelings about getting into a relationship are the same as before. she feels as if she's not emotionally ready for it. she still makes little quips about us, but then usually has to backtrack and explain how she wants to date, but is not ready.

still confused, still hoping something might click.

Salomon

I wonder why you guys haven't spoken in a while. Things cool off? Too busy? Someone waiting for someone else to make the first move?

If you really like the girl, keep at it. What would happen if you asked her to spend time with you, doing whatever: coffee, school events, studying together, whatever people do socially at your school. What do you think she would say? Do you think she's open to the idea of hanging out with you one-to-one, or does she hang out with a group of her friends mostly? Do your friends hang out with her friends? If so, it might be worth hanging out as a group first.

Whatever the case, keep at it. Keep calling, keep IMing, keep sending the message you want to spend time with her.

former newt

We haven't spoken that MUCH for a while. we still talk, but not nearly as much as about a week or two ago.

as for hanging out, it's tough since she works a lot and we both have exams comin up. lots of cramming to get done. also, neither of us has a car on campus, so actually going somewhere to chill is...well...inconvenient. since i'm younger than her by slightly more than 2 years, my friends and her friends don't hang out much. they're all a year ahead of us. we know them, we talk to them, we just don't hang out with them.

she asked me if i wanted to hang out on saturday, and i said i'd call her for sure, but she's supposed to go to OSU with some friends sometime this weekend..im not sure when she'll be back, so i dunno when we're supposed to hang out. i also don't know how much time i'll have to really do much other than study this weekend...

frustration is getting to me.

Cynthetiq

well if that's not a sign... someone needs to hit you over the head with a bat.

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pig

newt,

I'm going to suggest that in some way, you act as her pressure relief valve, and that you use her in the same way. She's stressed, you're stressed - suggest that y'all do something that is low-key and gives a break from the regular. It sounds to me like you're waiting for her to tell you when y'all will hang out on Saturday. I'd suggest you take the initiative. Figure out what you would like to do on Saturday, then ask her to do it with you. What do you have to lose? This way you have a plan for yourself, even if she's not a part, and hopefully y'all get to hang out. If she's stressed out, it might be nice, from her perspective, not to have to plan it all out, etc.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Sultana

Crimey, stop over-analyzing and just *do something*!

To further assist in disengaging your brain, I have come up with these helpful starters:

"You have time for coffee?"
"Want a study break?"
"What are you wearing?" :P


Relax, and she'll relax.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

analog

*hides his bat behind his back*

YES. ASK HER OUT. lol

dlish

am i the only one sensing former_newts pessimism or what?

don let it get you down mate. organise something you both will enjoy. take her away from all the distractions and have a quiet night together. that way u can talk all you want. and who knows, you might get lucky.

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former newt

another issue i have...my friends who know the situation i have with this girl have all told me "you gotta kiss her. you gotta get physical a little." but here's my problem:

i've never kissed a girl.

now that i have your attention, i can say that's not true. i've had my share of makeout sessions, but they've been while under the influence or just with a close friend who with whom i was just bored one day and just asked straight up "wanna makeout?" these haven't meant anything to me. bored and drunken play doesn't really affect me emotionally. i really haven't been in a SERIOUS relationship before...

basically what i'm saying is my experience with girls has not been on an intimate level. it has been merely random play. so this might illustrate why i'm sort of lost right now. i don't know how to go about getting closer to her emotionally and physically without feeling like i have no clue what i'm doing.