pan6467

Kind of bumming, kind of relieved, very dark humored and cynical today. Can't sleep.... don't want to eat..... for the first time in my life I am truly facing the finality of something and it SUCKS.

It's not like the finality of high school where you know you are going on to something better or have out grown the situation, and you won't ever see those friends again, and so on and so forth......

Actually..... it is exactly like that..... in the year we've been seperated and even of late I have always held some form of hope (even tho I am not in love with her (I do love her tho)). I think I wanted it to work because I didn't want to be alone....... I missed the companionship and the being a couple.....

I will say she was the only woman I have met so far in my life that truly understood me..... well at first.... but by the time she left, we had built so may walls and distanced ourselves so much I don't think we knew each other (or even who we had become).....

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

maleficent

Who knows when the dust settles, you might find that you end up being pretty damn good friends. But for now, you have to take care of Pan,and do what's best for Pan... and it sounds like you are.

There will be so many more women in your life that understand you... and love you ... and want to be with you... and will totally appreciate you... you are gonna be just fine...

{{{HUGS}}}}}

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lurkette

You have my congratulations and my sympathies. It's hard to see it now, but you never know what doors this experience will open up for you as a person. Give yourself permission to feel however you damn well feel about it, and like mal said, take care of yourself.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Daniel_

It's hard.

I'm part way through a divorce, and when we first split (she cheated) I fooled myself tat we'd nt REALLY split, ad we'd get back together.

That lasted until I dated (non-sexually) another woman and realised that what I wanted was mainly company (at that time.... )

Hope things go well for you.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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bad jane

i really feel for you. my d-day hit me like a ton of bricks--and i had no desire to stay married. but the day ends like any other, and each day is going to bring you closer to not only being ok with your divorce, but finding a relationship that offers you everything your marriage lacked.
that's damn good advice.

pan6467

Well Buffett said it best:

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

ophelia783

You have my congrats, and my sympathy.
Divorce is never easy, no matter what the incentives or the outcome.

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~*~* He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat *~*~

pan6467

IT was interesting, we had 15 questions we had to answer and we answered simultaneously and in very clear voices, the first 14, and as we were sitting across from each other I could see her answering the questions.

The 15th question was "do either of you wish to delay today's preceedings and seek marriage counselling?"

Well, she had come to pick me up and before we left I told her I had problems answering that question under oath because I wasn't sure I didn't want counselling. (I did this to offer her an out and just to make sure in my mind this is what she truly wanted.)

She threw a hissy and I smiled getting the answer I wanted and said, "Ok now I can answer that question in court and I have truly done everything I possibly can to save this, I have a 100% clear conscience and can move on knowing that I did my best."

She was very silent and wiped a tear away.

When the 15th question came up, her lips did not move and she did not answer, I answered very clearly "Nope".

On the ride home I told her I found it ironic she didn't answer the question after she had thrown such a hissy to make sure I answered it.

She said she did answer it and that the magistrate wouldn't have continued had she not answered.

I told her her mouth didn't move and I didn't hear her answer it. I also stated that since only her attorney was present and with her filing for the action plus the proceedings being so routine, the Magistrate probably didn't even think about it.

She was silent. I told her that this was it and I think she will regret this terribly. Me, it's over, today is a day for mourning and reflection and tomorrow is a day of new beginnings.

She on the other hand says she wants to stay in touch and see me often and that she wants me to be a part of her life.

I smile as I type this because I truly believe the one who will regret this and who regrets this the most even now is her.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

maleficent

Good for you... it's definitely her loss... I've said it before, I'll say it again, you are gonna be fine... and I hope that you find nothing but happiness.

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justjt

Well first of all being that I can relate to how your feeling having experienced the divorce drama also a few years ago...my deepest sympathys....cause plain and simple it hurts like hell inside.

As for staying friends and keeping in touch....well there are thoses that can pull that off.........

Uh that choice wasn't for me.......I felt like I had already wasted enough time out of my life on her and she took enough of me in the divorce. So I sent her a picture of my ass so in the future she could kiss it whenever she was wondering how I was doing.

Today may seem like a dark day.....but tomorrow is a brand new beginning!
I'm happy for you my tfp brother....whether this what you truely wanted or not...it happened for a reason and now it's done.

All right sexy kittens....stand back...make room....there's new cat in the jungle and he's hungary and on the prowl!

"Don't let your mouth write checks your ass can't cash!"

innovis

Do not attempt to be her friend. She only wants you around because she misses your companionship and doesn't have anyone else to keep her from being lonely.

5757

3 months.. 27 days.. something hours.. AND IM FREE. Im really sorry to hear about your divorce. Gee, could cheating have been involved to begin with? Yeah. For me it was. (sigh)

pan6467

No to be quite honest, cheating on my part was never a problem... i never cheated on her, flirted online yes.... but even then no cybersex or anything too personal more just venting.

The only time I became intimate with another woman was when I knew for sure there was no hope of reconciliation.

I wish I could say it was cheating though because then I would honestly know what happened and why she left and what I did...... right now I have no answers, she doesn't really know....or she just doesn't want to give the reasons.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

pan6467

Actually, she has more friends than I. Which has hurt the most, while she's been out with friends and doing things I sat home a lot, threw myself into work or made bad decisions on women I dated.

She obviously didn't sit home alone worrying about me or wondering or caring what I did..... which believe it or not does hurt, because I worried about her.

__________________
I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

SirLance

Pan, it is time to look forward and move on. I have been where you are and it is a bitch. Stop torturing yourself and let it go, you'll be better off in the long run.

Don't let her be part of your life, that's like picking at a scab, the wound will never heal.

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

justjt

Well said SirLance!

5757

^^ The *How to* is what got me for a very long time. Moving on and healing is great and all.. it's just the damn how to. You hear people say that time will ease your pain. Time will heal you, time will carry you forth. Well, I have heard someone say its NOT time that will heal your pain... rather its What You Do with your time. So, again, the what to do and how to is what makes it difficult.
SirLance- Would you like to share your advice-?


Well Pan, Im just happy that your marriage didn't end the way mine did. I'd love to share the crappy story (PM).

5757

Dec. 15th! My divorce has a little more than 24 hours - but it's okay. Pan6467 I wish you would give an update on things.

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

JumpinJesus

My first marriage lasted 6 years officially. Unofficially it was over in 2. We stuck around because we didn't know what else to do. She provided me the catalyst I needed to get off my ass by cheating.

I found the proceedings to be the easiest part of the process - mainly because we were both so broke we had nothing to fight over. The hardest part was the emotional burden of it all. I have to admit by the time we finally split I no longer loved her, but it was still emotional because so much of my life to that point had been devoted to her. I didn't date for a long time aftewards but I did find that once it was over, the feeling of freedom I got was almost overwhelming. I felt that I had gotten my life back. The decision to not date was mostly a conscious one because I decided to focus a lot of my new time on myself and doing what I wanted to do. I gained a whole new circle of friends and had the best 2 years of my life up to that point.

I just started going out and doing things on my own. It wasn't easy to do because for so many years we were always a couple and did everything together - even during the unhappy years, we still were together all the time. Doing things on my own was liberating. Strangely enough, doing things on my own gave me enough of a confidence boost that I was able to make friends quickly.

Pan, I hope things are going well for you now and 5757, the best thing to do is to put yourself out there, regardless of how difficult it is. Do not allow yourself to wallow in whatever sadness you may feel. It's okay to feel loss, but don't allow it to define you. Use the time to focus on what YOU want. Be selfish for a while. Spoil yourself for awhile.

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

5757

JumpinJesus - My situation is almost as yours was. Actually it's exactly the same. My only problem is I'm not exactly a social butterfly, so getting out and meeting people will be kind of difficult for me.
I don't feel and sadness or pain through this divorce. I stopped loving him shortly after we were married. I am grateful for that.
So, if I can just spread my wings and fly.. I should be okay. I've never been on a date before. Strange huh. I never even went on a date with my husband. We met in school - got married. Never went out.
I live in San Fran and I know there is alot to do - just no one to do it with! Hopefully this move to Vegas will help.
I don't think I will be considering marriage again for a looooong time!

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

FngKestrel

How would moving to Vegas help with the lack of people to do things with? At least, how would be different from being in San Francisco? Not trying to be difficult, just curious.

kramus

We are still in the final drafting of the divorce agreement stage. I am looking forward to the time when the only commitments we share are the children. I have 2 kids pretty well grown up (20 and 18) and 2 in school (14 and 12). I took my life and focussed it entirely on the marriage, the family, the home. Our separation had me living a reclusive life because I had nothing of my own outside of the failed marriage. Some courses I started taking on life skills have been invaluable to me. The best thing though is a very recent development that came through my tepid involvement in online dating sites. Somehow a lady connected with me and the timing, my own readiness to step back out into life, and her forthright manner has resulted in a newly created space which carries such possibilities for renewal that I am almost breathless. This couldn't have happened untill I had felt an internal opening up, almost a flowering - which gave these new possibilities a space to exist. That opening up took 10 months of separation and a slow series of steps which in fact mostly took place through an online life. Now I am swept up and excited, and feeling pretty damned good about those things I can control. A retiring wallflower such as myself can have this happen. It can happen to anyone. I think the key is not forcing things. When you are ready, opportunities then present themselves in a way that works.

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And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

5757

Well I guess I'm assuming that because I know Vegas so well, I'll feel more comfortable there. I've been going there every summer for 15 years. I know the city. I love the people. I will be working in the city, probably the strip - so I think I will have more opportunities to meet others.


Kramus- You're right. Opportunities do present themselves in ways that work when the time is right. I've had some good experiences with a few people that I've met since my ex SO and I have split. Hopefully the time will be right very shortly for a big dork and me. ha

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

FngKestrel

Ah, didn't realize that you knew Vegas much better than SF. Every summer? Wow. I still haven't been there yet.

JumpinJesus

Trust me, getting out was difficult for me, too. I'm usually introverted and keep just a small circle of friends. I had to force myself to go places alone at first. My initial thoughts were that people were staring at me for being out alone. Of course, what I realized was that sometimes being alone gave others the chance to approach me since I wasn't occupied in other company.

Once I got used to it, I almost preferred going out alone. It allowed me so much time to get to know myself outside of a relationship.

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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

5757

51 days left until it's all over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J.J. - Incase you read this, I don't think I could ever go out alone. I posted in the 'Felt up in public Thread'. I have been felt up from time to time. I walk around looking really mean. I don't feel like I give the 'I want you to grab my but' look, so I don't know why it happens.

I'm never going to be in another relationship again!! I'm going to become a nun. I could always marry TFP.

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

klined

Especially when you are married, you are supposed to be on the same team, not playing against each other. It is nice to have some closure, maybe you can still be friends? Although it seldom works out that way.

5757

Me and my ex are sort of friends. We get along. I've waited three years for this!!! 41 days! ahhh!

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

FngKestrel

You throwing a party when it's over?

5757

Well, I will be in Vegas when the divorce is final, so I guess I could celebrate! I might have a lot of fun there! I don't drink so I guess I could bust out the the sparkling apple juice! HA! If I was here............I could just get some tfp peeps together I guess. We'll see!

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana