Pip

Long post, bear with me. I'm pouring my heart out here and I haven't found much on this subject on TFP.

It's the Stockholm Pride Festival this week and as usual there are a lot of seminars and discussions about all sorts of sexual orientations, mainly homo-, bi- and transsexuality. But this year for the first time asexuality has also been discussed as a sexual orientation. It's an interesting subject. If a person says he/she is not interested in sex the usual reaction is that it's because they have some kind of chemical inbalance or have been abused as a child or have been taught that sex is dirty by evil repressed parents or just haven't met the right person yet. A bit of therapy and you'll be wanting to fuck like a rabbit, just like a normal person.

I've been guilty of that mindset, I still am. I'm still waiting for the right guy, I still think I might be depressed or something, I still wonder if something happened when I was a child. I still think that someday I'll get over this mental block I have about having sex with other people. It seems like so much fun, after all.

But maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe this is the way I am. But that means I'll never be able to enjoy sex with another person. I don't want to have sex, but I want to want to have sex, and I'm not ready to give up on that quite yet. The shoe is fitting surprisingly well though. In school it seemed like everyone had a crush on someone except I, so in ninth grade I made a list of likely candiates. The #1 guy with long blond shiny hair who played in a band got to be my crush. Some years later the current top guy on my list got together with my best friend. "Good for them" I thought and started having a crush on guy #2. We got together and my best friend asked me outright if I was dating him just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I lied and said no. After we broke up I've had crushes on both men and women, but nothing ever happens. Maybe I've never really been attracted by anyone, maybe I've just convinced myself to be attracted to all these people because that's what society expects me to be?

A lot of maybes here, I need to think about this a LOT more. Who knows, in a few years I might be walking in the Pride Parade with the asexuals? In the meanwhile, what do you all think? Am I insane? Is asexuality something that can be cured? Or is it a sexual orientation like homosexuality? Do you pity those who don't want sex? Do you envy them? Do you sometimes feel that you don't want sex as much as society wants you to want?

Suave

You're certainly putting a lot of thought into this. I don't know if I'm asexual per se, but I certainly don't give a rats ass 99% of the time whether or not I get laid. I don't put much stock in chemical imbalances or anything either. Unless it is causing you either physical harm, or emotional stress (neither of these for me) I see no reason to worry about something.

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raeanna74

Sometimes people get more concerned about who they'd find sexually appealing than just interacting with people. If more people could just enjoy other's without a sexual charge on everything then there'd be less conflict in a lot of ways. Some animals are not designed to have sex in order to reproduce. I think sometimes that we forget that the sex drive is just instinct to push us to reproduce. We're just lucky that sex can give us good feelings too. It makes sense to me that some people might not be designed to have that sex drive that other's do. Maybe you're just more highly evolved.

Have you ever had sex? or did you just date. I have found that when I have sex, it gives me a positive hormonal surge. What follows is a drive to gain that hormonal high again so my sex drive is revved up. One curiosity is that if you've never had a taste of that high if perhaps you received that high you would find a greater desire for sex. Then again if you have had sex but got no high off of it then obviously it wouldn't spur you on to searching for more sex.

I am curious about how you've felt with this. I've gone through times when I was completely uninterested in sex. It was a good feeling in a way. Less tension, in a sexual way, and just simply BEING. Is that somehow how you've felt?

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Ustwo

All sex is chemical so yes I put a lot of stock in chemical imbalances.

If you don't have the right hormones, or the right receptors for those hormones will not have a sex drive.

I've seen it with my wife, who lost almost all of her sex drive when she was breast feeding and on the mini-pill. Sex drive was zero. Now thats shes reduced her breast feeding and is just about done with it, her sex drive has returned (still on that damn mini-pill though). Was she 'asexual'? For those months she basically was. It doesn't take a giant stretch to see how someone could have this issue full time.

Likewise with me, my highish sex drive is now on over drive due to working out. Again its chemical.

Now is being asexual a problem? I don't think so, hell 3/4ths of the 'adult' problems in life seem to revolve around sex in some way, so it would be nice to just avoid it all together at times. Now if you want to have kids/spouse, then yes it could be a problem.

One last point is calling 'asexual' an orientation seems a bit silly. I can't see any value to marching in a parade because you aren’t horny.

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Stiltzkin

Being horny does not necessarily mean you want to have sex. I'm attracted to women, and I get turned on, but I've never actually wanted to have sex. The result is that I have this sexual energy that I don't know what to do this, and the end result is usually... you know. I've had crushes and I'd have to lie to my friends about having desires to fuck their brains out so that I can seem normal, but the fact is that my attraction always seems to be superficial, and never related to sex. In all my 20 years on this Earth I've had one dream about having sex, and I didn't even get to the penetration part. When I read Ustwo's thread about working out increasing sex drive, I decided that I should try to work out more often so that I can get myself up to a normal level of sex drive, but I'm not really sure that would do it. I've been exercising at home more often than I usually do (I won't have access to a gym for about another two weeks), but I guess it's just not intense enough. I've even thought about seeing a doctor about this, but you know how reluctant us guys (usually) are when it comes to seeing a doctor.

ColonelSpecial

While I was in high school, I fully thought I was asexual. I talked with others (online), read the few books out there and journaled a lot. I went to college, found a crush, dated him, broke up and become best friends. While with him, I never had the urge to sleep together and never felt bad that the physical part wasn't matching what "society" (read: our friends) thought it should be. I still have crushes but it is always on a intellectual basis; "wouldn't it be fun to be with him, it would be great if..." So I have settled on just being me, looking around but not really interested in experiencing. I am perfectly happy this way and don't feel lacking in any way. I do believe sexuality isn't rigid. I am on the 'not at all thank you' end of the scale and content. That is all I need.

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Suave

That's how I've felt for a long time, which I may be able to blame on my meditation practices.

UsTwo: You may be correct in some cases, but the problem I have with an MD viewpoint on the psyche (either a regular doctor or a psychiatrist) is that they treat the mind too much like the rest of the body.

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Anomaly_

Pip, there are a lot of things that could be contributing to your low libido. Even if you don't think it's a problem, there are dysfunctions like prolactinoma that should be taken care of for the sake of your general health.

Why is that bad? There's nothing magical going on in the brain; it's just an organ that happens to be much, much more complex than, say, the liver. Many of its functions remain unclear, but that doesn't mean it should be studied any differently.

Pip

Thanks for all the replies, it feels nice to know I'm not the only one. I have indeed tried to have sex with men a few times. Nice men that I really like. Men that knows how to make sweet lovin' to a woman. It has never gone further than oral, because I felt NOTHING. It could just as well have been my doctor that was fondling my breasts. I'm not totally dead though, I masturbate almost daily and climax every time. So the wiring is there, but it seems I'm the only one who can activate it. So if there is something that can be fixed it's probably in my head.

It would be nice to find a special someone to grow old with and all that sentimental crap, because I don't want to be lonely, but I don't need a SO like some of my friends seem to do. (I swear, some of them can't stay single for even a week!)
The only reason I'd be wanting kids would be to stop my mum nagging about grandkids, but that's not reason enough for a comittment like that.

I don't know if I feel less tension than normal people because I don't have anything to compare with. There is the tension of wanting to do and feel what everyone else is doing and feeling though.

Meh. I should just stop angsting about this and be happy with what I have.

eribrav

I think you're getting somewhere in thinking this through. First you were focused on not wanting sex, purely talking about the physical act. Now you're opening up about your feelings about relationships. So we're getting another component of what's truly bothering you.

I think the fact that you masturbate and orgasm, but have no desire for interactive sex, means something. Unfortunately I don't know what that is. Maybe someone else here does.

Keep going! I think the more you keep thinking this over and fleshing this out, the more likely you are to come to some kind of answer for yourself.

EULA

You have nothing to lose by going to a sex therapist (well, mabye some $).

Sex scares the crap out of me, so that is something I have to work on.

Craven Morehead

I was constantly surrounded by people that I don't want to have sex with, or have a relationship with. But then you meet the right one. In fact, you'll probably meet some that are 'righter' that others before you meet the 'right' one. I know some people that didn't have this happen until much later in life. Because its not an everyday occourance, and it fully depends on both parties feelings, that's why its so special when it does happen.

Take your time, no pressure, enjoy life.

Suave

Since you share their outlook, you evidently wouldn't see a problem with it. A scientologist is not going to argue against the beliefs of another scientologist (this is metaphorical; I am not calling you a scientologist outright), so I'm not sure what kind of point you're trying to make aside from your subscription to the medicalization of the human psyche.

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

martinguerre

i usually tell people not to shut doors to parts of themselves...

but i honestly think you've got a pretty healthy approach to yourself right now. as long as you're satisfied in the connections you have with others, then i don't really know if there's anything different to be done.

btw...it's pretty cool that asexual idenity is being discussed as part of pride...

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Arsenic7

I'd say it's ok to be asexual...but I would be cautious about getting into a relationship with someone if I were you.

It's not the best feeling in the world to get serious with someone only to have them tell you that they don't desire you sexually.

I really don't see how a relationship with an asexual person would work out, unless you were BOTH asexual.

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Suave

I doubt most "asexuals" are completely asexual. They probably just require a very specific person/circumstances rather than having a sex drive going all the time.

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Gilda

Nah, it's not an orientation, it's just one end of the sex drive continuum.

I don't drink alcohol because I don't like the taste. A lot of people like the taste and enjoy the effect, and are willing to accept the potential negative side effects that come with it. Neither view is right or wrong.

It's the same with sex. No sex drive? Cool. You can focus your time and energy on other things. Not desiring sex is harmless unless you're in a relationship with someone who does want sex.

Gilda

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Daniel_

Gilda said it right!

Some people like movies, some people don't. Some folks drive through days of rain to see their team play a big game. Sport leaves me cold in general.

So you don't like sex? Maybe you will one day, and maybe you won't. It's not a crime to not want to have sex, and if it changes, I'm sure you'll find someone to have it with.

Meanwhile, just think of the time (and laundry detergent) you're saving by not wasting hours in bed getting sticky.

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Astrocloud

This is like my previous thread: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=86568

I am with you pip. It has been over a year and a half since I had sex. I have really high standards when it comes to who I am attracted to. I was holding out for a smoking hot girl that was into me. I found her last week. Hopefully it will last because who knows how long it will be after this.

The way I felt was that if I am talking to a smoking hot woman and there is one thing that she says that irritates me -boom -I'm out-a-there. This makes it very difficult because most smoking hot women are really into themselves. Many of them don't like men or -are just looking to score. I avoid those women.

Secondly, with high standards -it's hard for me to be physically into a woman if she is not beautiful. Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder -however it's hard for me to discover a woman's inner beauty if she is not initially physically attractive to me.

The.Lunatic

oh my fucking god... quit rationalizing shit

people have sex thats what they do you would like it you've just fuct shit up in your head.

Go get naked with an attractive guy and get drunk you'll fuck you'll love it and 2 weeks from now we'll have a Pip is nympho thread.

Seriously you're bottled up get sombody on TFP to show you a good time.

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