Lead543

I vote for option #3.

Learn how to respect other people regardless of how they look.

The cute girls probably don't like you because you think their friend is "fugly". You may not say it, but I'm sure that mean attitude comes across to them.

You need to grow up before you go around chasing females. Just because it's behind her back, and she won't read it doesn't make it right.

/end rant

jusolson00

Wow.. that Is all I have to say about this thread. I have been reading through about half the responses and am mildly amused at how this thread has evolved. It is obviously a testament to the diverse group of people here at TFP.
I must say that I myself am a good-humored person and take offense very rarely, so when I read the original post it almost had me rolling with laughter. Why? I'm not real sure, maybe it’s the fact that I could relate to the situation at hand and am able to laugh about it. Hell, I think all or most of us here have been in or seen this type of situation. It’s kind of one of those things that are funny because it’s true. I honestly think that this would have made a great Seinfeld episode. Ha. And to the reference to the word "fugly", I must honestly admit that I have never heard of that word and it makes me laugh. No offense to women or anything, but I think the original poster was using it in good humor. But that’s just my take on it. I do feel bad for the poster as I think he's getting a beating here. This is why talk of this nature is left for the "locker room" or so to speak.

AVoiceOfReason

But the gals have a key to our locker room, so . . . .

__________________
AVOR

A Voice Of Reason, not necessarily the ONLY one.

match000

Yes, exactly. I of course would do no such thing as tell someone I find them unattractive to their face. Only in cases where they will never know, such as this one...

Thanks man. As simple as it sounds, that is great advice: just try and have fun with it. I have found that without any "agendas", so to speak, and just being out to have fun, I have 100x more fun, and 100x "benefits" (unintended and unplanned

Yes, thank you for your understanding.

Well, I figure its high time for an update for all you kind, inquiring minds who were helping me with your diverse viewpoints

So we went ice skating as a group a few days prior, and after coming back from ice skating the group left me and The One I'm Not Interested In in the back deliberately so she could lay *her* cards on the table. The girls I were trying to 'hit on' were all called away by the other girls, so I had to talk it out with The One I'm Not Interested In.

Taking the GREAT advice (not being sarcastic here) of the people on the forum, I explained that we were both adults and that we can talk it over slowly and maturely. She was having soooo much trouble even getting to the part where she says "I like you", that we walked 8 city blocks before those words came out. Her ultimate expression was that she just wanted to find out if there was any interested from me before she left, so she wouldn't have any regrets or unknowns or mystery after she leaves...

In the interim, I saved her the trouble of saying it and tried to explain that I wasn't interested in her as kindly, slowly, and gently as I could. I explained how people have preconceived notions of ingrained attraction, and that to most people, the people they meet either fit in their own attractive category, or unattractive category. I basically explained that she was not my type. This seemed to help her get over it alot, as I never said that I found her unattractive; just that she was not my type. We had a good long talk, and I talked about my previous rejections by a few girls as well. I explained that I had continued being friends with those girls, and that sometimes people just can't work these things out mutually, but can still be friends.

She then asked me who *did* I like, and I very stupidly (being very inexperienced) answered I like two of her friends in the group. Yes, what a jerk I was! Later I realized that not only did that make me look like a superficial "player", it also hurts alot. However, she took it well, although she did ask me, "Can you do something for me? It's very selfish of me to ask... but can you wait until we all return to asia before you tell the two girls you like them?"

I said, "well, no I don't think I can do that..." She was ok with it and we just talked more, and overall throughout the whole conversation I had kept saying I thought of her as a very good friend, platonically and all. Things seemed fine after our long talk.

So now we are good friends, and the next day we see each other and everything is fine. The previous day at ice skating, I had been hitting on the 2nd cute girl who I THOUGHT didn't have a BF. Turns out she did; and she had been very uncomfortable with my hitting on her. The One I'm Not Interested In tells me that she thinks I should not express interest (lay my cards bare on the table) to either of the cute girls, as that would make them think lesser of me because they already had BF's. I asked The One I'm Not Interested In if she had told the 2 girls I liked them, and she said "No." She made sure that *I* wouldn't have any regrets with not asking, and it's actualy true, I don't have that much regrest. MAINLY because one of the cute girls I know is nice to me, but very attached to her BF. The other one is simply disinterested (and also attached to BF). So that was easy..

So now we all became good friends, and it was much easier to just hang out and be friends with everyone since The One I'm Not Interested In is not hitting on me anymore, I'm not hitting on both cute girls anymore, and overall noone is hitting on anyone anymore! (Even the girl who hits on my buddy wingman said she was simply being platonically friendly). So tonight we all had a great time, and I think in the coming week before they leave our small subgroup (not the whole group, as a few feel distant to me because of my previous hitting on the 2nd cute girl... How was I supposed to know she didn't have a BF!), will have a blast and at least a few more great times...

So yeah, although there was ALOT of drama, things turned out well, and I think I have made a bunch of great friends (platonically speaking!).

I might have more to say, but its 5 am and I need to sleep


Your collective comments REALLY helped alot, everyone; I think the primary thing that allowed me to continue being friends with everyone is that I was able to so maturely and kindly express my disinterest, and that she was able to so maturely and kindly take it in stride. Overall, we were all pretty mature and grown up about it, and that is what saved the friendships, so to speak..

As for the advice to simply lay my cards bare and express interest in the 2 girls, I did that too; I didn't lay the cards bare, but I made it freakin' obvious I had interest. It was good advice, except that both girls are already taken.. so nothing can happen. One girl took it well and is very nice to me, the other not so well and is distant, thus also making one or two of her friends distant to me too. Meh, I chalk it up to different personalities... the core group obviously does not think of me as a jerk, as we just had a great night of fun and they already wanted to do more stuff in the coming days

Thanks for all the help! I hope this experience of mine can also help you guys who face or will face similar situations to come out unscathed and for the better

Cynthetiq

now that's wonderful.

I tend to think that when you remove the "sexual" aspects of interfacing with people it's going to be alot more interesting and pleasurable because you aren't worried about "ruining the moment" or "losing the opportunity."

I'm glad that eventually you laid it out for everyone involved.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Gilda

First, I'm glad you laid it all out and did so kindly. That shows a little bit of growth from the first post in this thread.

Second, you may want to rethink the order of the above list. Start with number 4, interacting with girls. Don't always be on the make. You'll find that if you do this enough, you won't have to go on the make to get to 1 and 3, it'll happen naturally.

Third, you'll have better luck with number 2 if you move it to the end of the list. I'd suggest trying it this way:

A. Interact with girls. Really, we're fun to be around, and we don't bite. At least not until you get to D.
B. Go on a date / kiss the girl. Spend a little time at this stage. It can be a lot of fun all by itself. Spend enough time at this stage and it becomes C.
C. Have a girlfriend.
D. Have sex.

I'm not saying C has to come before D, it hasn't always with me, but if you make A-C your priority, Di will come in time.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

pig

I just want to chime in to say that the above is some of the best terminology I've heard in a while for going on the prowl. Sounds like something from a Bogart movie.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Gamer90

This thread made me laugh more then once. I never use the term ugly I just say "She's not my type".

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This posting is provided "as is" with no warranties, and confers no rights

alec

christ, lets all act like the fucking thought police. this guy isnt calling this girl fugly to her face, and so what, let him say his god damn piece. this girl is being overly aggressive and trying to inact something that isnt and wont be there. which is the point, and denying him getting with any of her friends. yes, maybe it is slightly immature, and there are more diplomatic ways about making this point -- but he's probably young and inexperienced, so give him some leway and stop acting like fucking assholes, and even worse, hypocrites. if you want to act like you're about building community, do it, instead of inacting your stay at home, addicted to the internet liberal bull shit on others.

ok, my experience with this, is that you should just go after one of the girls you like. try to develop a rapport with her ASAP, since you have a small window of opportunity, and get her number. try to find some common bond (playing a sport, or even liking the same music or wanting to see the same movie) to justify isolating some time off to her with yourself. then, as a shark smells blood in the ocean, go for the kill. voila, love, even temporarily, is made.

skier

Just as an aside, i've always thought fugly was "fat and ugly" not "fucking-ugly". not really much of a difference of how offensive it is, just curious as to what the correct term is.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Church

There's your first mistake right there. There's no way that this can end up well. Choose one girl and stick with her. Using someone as a bridge, and then brushing them aside to persue a futile attempt to take 2 girls out on a date is just foolish.

__________________
Through counter-intelligence, it should be possible to pinpoint potential trouble makers, and neutralize them.

Cynthetiq

I actually never addressed it as "thought police" but please let me point out the fallacy of your statment.

If I don't call someone :insert racial epiphet here: to their face that still does not make it right. Respect starts from within the heart, not as a condition of political correctness, but as a condition of interaction with another human being.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

pattycakes

......when i was in high school i told my dad that my friend was coming over after school and i was going to make her dinner then we were going to go to the movies... and he says to me


....do we need a sign?
lol

__________________

SiN

Fucking Ugly is how I learned it ...

and it seems that dictionary.com agrees.

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pig

Yep, I've always heard fugly as a contraction of fucking ugly as well...

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

match000

alec, thanks for your understanding.

update: girls = too much drama. In the future, i think i'll stick to ONE girl at a time, even hanging out with a bunch in groups is really mentally tiring. Erg, every little thing you do is picked apart and dramatized...

PS. i meant fugly as in fucking ugly. Actually, she's not *that* bad.. perhaps butterface is more appropriate.

Gilda

Tell me about it. This is exactly the reason I tend to prefer hanging out with a group of guys to a group of girls.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Ustwo

Keep digging that hole.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Cynthetiq

I was going to say the same thing. Some cards are best kept close to your vest.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

ShaniFaye

Its obvious nothing we've said had any impact

specially when people like alec just have to try to make what he did seem all right.

I can always hope that people like this, will one day be on the receiving end, maybe then it will make sense to you.

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

dlish

so the bloke is just suppsed to choose some fugly chick just to appease some peoples ideals here..just great...and all because "some fuglies need love too". the fuglies will find love, but they will find someone who truely finds them attractive. if he doesnt, then he is free to ask the rest of the 7 out and not feel coerced to sit with the fuglie one.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

ShaniFaye

who said he was supposed to pick the one he wasnt attracted to? I dont recall anybody saying that.

all we (or I at least) am saying is lack of "looks" does not equal being on the receiving end of disrespect.

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

astrahl

If he thinks she is unattractive - why is everybody so up in arms? There is no chemistry from his side - so what is the big deal? If he was artificially nice to her just to get in good with her friends, then THERE is the problem. But he was just being genuinely nice...NO problem.

Don't waste your time trying to buy in to something you have no interest in. Tread lightly on asking the other one(s) out since there is going to be a territorial thing happening.

So you think she isn't attractive... maybe, perhaps, fugly - I love a good looking face...I don't know that I would be attracted to somebody who wasn't good looking. From THIS woman's perspective, it is OK to think she is fugly, or butterfaced (lmao). It's even ok to share those thoughts here...be careful not to let her think so though.

__________________
Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

shakran

We're not up in arms that he's not attracted to someone. We're up in arms over the fact that instead of saying "I'm not attracted to her" he has to say "she's a fugly cockblocker," and then later ammends that to "well not fugly, but she's a butterface." It's all about respect for your fellow human beings, and this guy obviously hasn't developed any.

The community prides itself so much on respect. We say "I don't agree with you" rather than "you're a fucktard." Why is it then surprising that we object when someone comes out being blatantly disrespectful of this individual? Not only is he being disrespectful to her, but he is being disrespectful to all women. He is in essence saying "I group women into two categories. Attractive, and ugly. I try to score with the attractive ones, but while I'm pleasant to the ugly girl's face, when she's not looking I talk down about her to anyone who will listen. Furthermore, a woman's value is based at least in large part on how attractive she is." Crap like that is not, nor should it be, tolerated around here.

tspikes51

I've learned this lesson many-a-time in my young life. The key of snagging the girl (not sure if this works the other way around) is to make sure you establish that you are interested in a relationship early on. Otherwise you just become friends.

In the first situation, it seems that you have a situation I like to call "the loser setup" (sorry about being blunt, but what else can I say). Girls usually travel in packs containing at least one girl who is obviously uglier than the rest. Now, on occasion, in order to make her feel good about herself, the group will attempt set the ugly chick up with a guy, not considering the fact that they are wasting their, and what is infinitely worse, your time and pissing you off in the process. Girls usually do this to make everybody feel better about themselves. It's like when guys play sports or video games or whatever.

__________________
"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox

tspikes51

I got the impression that he didn't like the girl because she was annoying.

__________________
"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox

Cynthetiq

^ ^ ^
| | |
w00p there it is!

So if someone is being annoying it is okay to say respectfully that someone is "fugly" or "sorry... maybe she's not really fugly, but more butterface"

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Zeraph

Chalk it up to a learning experience, and practice the fine line of friendly but not flirty. And for the record I didn't find youre use of fugly offensive, I first heard it on the simpsons and simply thought it was a comedic term, and figured you were just being light hearted about the situation. If ya ask me the TFP can be a little immature about some things...

shakran

I guess I don't get how calling someone a fugly cockblocker and a butterface is mature, but wanting people to be respectful is not.

Menoman

perhaps mature was not the right word for what he wanted to say...

How about obsessive?

Overly-Politically Correct?

Having the attitude of being better than others?



You think you're so damn mature yet you'll look down upon someone else for their actions. How is that mature? Not just you, not singling you out, but rather pointing toward everyone in this thread who thinks they are so much better than match000 because they adapt themselves to a pathetic political correctness that sucks the humor right out of life.

__________________

Cynthetiq

I am the last person to think of as politically correct.

Simply put I am RESPECTFUL to my fellow human beings don't you try to be?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Menoman

I will say that I attempt to be respectful to people who I think deserve respect.

But, if you're asking if I will call a a fugly girl, fugly, the answer is yes I will.

__________________

shakran

So what you're saying is unless a woman is pretty, she doesn't deserve any respect. Many (hell, most) of us disagree rather vehemently with that.

Menoman

So what you're saying is that every single person on these boards thinks exactly the same way you do.


(I can make vague generalizations based off of a small portion of what I said and taking it completely out of context)

__________________

ShaniFaye

and then we are called pathetically politically correct.

I really wonder about people sometimes, jesus christ people....is it THAT hard to not do things that can cause hurt feelings? Is it THAT difficult to have respect for someone. Im sure there are many people here that I wouldnt put in the "attractive" category, simply because we all have different types...just because "you" think someone is "fugly" or not, doesnt mean the rest of the world agrees with you, what it DOES mean is that person is entitled not to be called names just because of your opinion of their attractivness level.

I suspect Im going to be called thin skinned next since I think terms like that cause emotional reactions.

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

shakran

I didn't assume anything. I based my conclusion on everything you said in that post. Calling someone fugly is not respectful. You said you are respectful to people that you think deserve it. You then said you call some women fugly. Unless you're schizophrenic or an idiot who can't join two thoughts together, you are saying you do not feel "fugly" women deserve respect.

You, however, took my statement and demonstrated an ignorance of vocabulary. "most" does not ever mean "all." There's a reason those two words aren't next to each other in the thesuarus. So no, I am not saying that "every single person" on these boards thinks exactly the same way I do. I am saying that MOST of the people on these boards does not dismiss someone as being unworthy of respect simply because she is not physically attractive.

Keep digging. . .

Menoman

I really wonder about people sometimes too.

When one word can cause how many people to flip a lid and whip out their "holier than thou" personality so quickly, it is sad indeed in my opinion.

I'll answer the questsion's you put forth,

"is it THAT hard to not do things that can cause hurt feelings?" Yes, if I want to do it this is America.. I'll fuckin do it

"Is it THAT difficult to have respect for someone." Yes, If I don't know the person, I don't have respect for them, you earn respect, it is not given.

Now if you would be so kind as to answer mine.


Is it that hard to just get over it?

Well I guess that's about the only question I have, but it's pretty damn valid if you ask me.

__________________

Ustwo

To me this has nothing to do with respect etc to fellow humans.

There are lots of people I think are fugly, assholes, idiots, butterfaces etc.

What this is a lesson in, is manners. If you post on a message board, which has mixed company, you should figure out that you are no longer with your best buddy who you can say anything to about anyone. Obviously the OP doesn't understand women or he wouldn't have had the problem to start with, and he just compounded that mistake on these boards. Some lessons in maturity are painful on the emotions, some, like this one are just slaps upside the head. We all said stupid things as a child at some point.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Menoman

I did to your statement what you did to mine.

If you have as much common sense as you think you do, it was not difficult at all to take my statement and realize it means something completely different than the interpretation you chose to use of it. Simply so you could feel superior.

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Cynthetiq

It's quite simple to state that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," which is where the respect starts. You've not only disrespected the unattractive person, but you've also made it difficult for the person who finds the unattractive attractive to express it, thus disrespectful to them as well.

You've obviously shown to me, that you don't deserve my respect since you give yours out conditionally.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.