just best friends, or is it secretly more? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

s3b · 06-26-2005, 06:11 PM

ive been really close friends with this guy for the past two years. when we met i was dating someone, and a few months later he got into a relationship right as mine was ending. he had always openly told me he thought i was pretty, in a NON-hitting-on-me way. we remained close on and off for two years, and for the past few months we've got a lot closer. he's still with his girlfriend of about 18 months now, but i just dont know what is going on with ME and him.

he drives me

and im always

around him like mad crazy. our friendship consists of making fun of each other, joking around, being immature, calling each other stupid & immature, the typical 5 year old type of flirtatious friendship. it's when the alcohol kicks in that we actually get physical. dont get me wrong, we never "cross the line" but basically push it to the max before its considered crossing the line. we'll hold hands at rock concerts (drunk of course), hug more, be more physical, express our emotions of "how lucky we feel to have met each other & to be such great friends", & how much we'll miss each other next year when im off studying abroad for the year.

i guess im just trying to figure out if he actually "feels" something for me, or if its just that he likes the attention of having another girl on the side to entertain him (since its not really cheating) .. cause he has been with the gf for a year and a half and relationships get boring and sometimes you need something on the side. i know there's no possibility now since ill be gone for a year, but i just wonder if it crosses his mind. he randomly once told me when he was drunk that "he still felt happy when he was with her, but that he felt there was more to love, and that he could never break up with her b/c shes his first love and no matter what he'd have to wait for her to break up with him" (we've never talked about US before. its just an assumption nothing is there past friendship?)

I guess I'm just curious because.. he might take a 2 week vacation with my friend and possibly a few of his (which i dont know) in a rather paradise-like location...in a faroff country and I just don't know whether or not I'll be able to practice self restraint once the alcohol kicks in and we're off in another country far away from everything, including his girlfriend. If I heard "he's not interested, just likes the attention" it would help me get over it perhaps? but then if not, I just really want one night with him to get it out of my system!!!!!!! just one amazingly night of blaring sexual chemistry .. and then sort of goodbye (well for a year while im abroad) and if there really is something between us we can figure it out when i get back?

so am i just imagining that there is more than friendship.. or is there? im sucha fool...help! =)

Demeter · 06-26-2005, 06:45 PM

I have a friend like that. We've been buds for almost 20 years. We just clicked when we met & had an awful lot of respect & admiration for each other, however, nothing so touchy feely as you, but definately a connection.
Then, stupidly, when I was drunk one night I pushed the envelope & we came thisclose to going all the way. He stopped me, we did have significant others at the time. He was a smart man to do so.
I am kinda sorry it happened, for I see now that we have an awesome friendship, but I would never fit in the role of his woman. I'm just not his type anyway. Which is alright, he's not exactly my idea of a perfect mate, but he is the best friend I ever had. Because we didn't go further that night & potentially ruin a great friendship, we still remain close & my boyfriend & I occasionally socialize with him & his wife. It would have been a shame to lose him & have him gone from my life.

So you could go for the awesome one-nighter, but there is a lot more satisfaction in a lifelong comrade.

amonkie · 06-26-2005, 08:27 PM

How to know? Plain and simple: Ask Him.

Since we're not him, I can't make assumptions about the situation, but best way to clear up ANY questions is to talk about it - when you're both sober. They say alcohol is a depressant since it depresses your "appropriate behavior" filter. If things are happening such as you say, whether or not he tells you want you want to hear, best to get it out NOW so you both know you are on the same page.

Martian · 06-26-2005, 08:49 PM

I stand by conversation as the best way of sorting these things out. If you're honest and forthright (and it sounds like you're like that in most respects) then there's no reason not to just ask him up front if he feels anything more.

The best mate for you is someone who you feel physically attracted to and who is attracted to you, but who can also be a great friend. If you can have that, then I say go for it. If he doesn't want it he'll let you know.

Mugzy6 · 06-26-2005, 09:00 PM

There can never just be one night of great sex and then just a goodbye.

bubonico · 06-26-2005, 09:16 PM

Judging by what you described I would say that he is probably interested in you as more than a friend. I doubt he is just using you as a girl to entertain him on the side. How do you think his girlfriend would feel if she saw how you two acted around eachother? Jealous right? That should give you some indication of whether or not he just thinks you are a friend and absolutely nothing more. It sounds like you two have a nice friendship and I would shy away from taking it much further. As nice as it may be for you it would cause way to many complications. And I definitely agree that one night of passionate sex then a goodbye wouldn't really happen. There is going to be lots of emotions involved.

eMOTIONal20 · 06-26-2005, 09:42 PM

I definitely agree with just talking to him about it. If you both are as close as you say you are, communicating about how you both feel about one another doesn't sound like it would be a big problem.

It seems weird to me that he would just not break up with his girlfriend just because she is his first love... that he would simply wait for her to do it, but i suppose that's a different story....

Honestly, as the above post states, if I saw my SO acting the way your friend does around some other girl, I'd probably be jealous. It makes me wonder what the relationship is like between this guy and his girlfriend....

odu_sonar_AE · 06-29-2005, 07:51 AM

Since you are good friends, talk to him about it. As much as it might seem to be an easier choice by hooking up with him, it could cause complications that could have been solved by talking about it.

Let’s say you don’t talk about it, and things go all the way. You’ve put him in a bad situation. He now has to decide whether or not to tell his current girlfriend what happened. Either choice will bring consequences of some sort (though they may not be apparent early on). To make things worse, you’ve done this right before you left to study abroad. This could turn out (not saying it will) like making a mess in the kitchen, then going for a bit & leaving the clean-up to someone else.

If you don’t ask, and nothing happens, then you might find your time abroad wondering about him, and the “what if’s.”

Although it might be the scariest course of action up-front, talking is the only way I see of knowing without causing harm. Make sure you are honest about your feelings, and the different side of him that comes out after a few drinks. Maybe he truly cares for you, but is afraid to take the leap from his current girlfriend to you (does he know your feelings?). Maybe he just doesn’t know how he acts after a few drinks. Either way, the best solution I see is to communicate this to him, and see where it goes.

I wish you luck!

tecoyah · 06-29-2005, 08:53 AM

He is interested.....more than likely.

Does that mean you need to pursue it.....I dont know, only you do.
The male mind generally considers sex in any attraction towards something it can be intimate with. The LEVEL of interest in sex is dependent on far too many factors for us to know what is going on in his head(s). But I can virtually guarantee there is interest in his mind.

Personally....I wouldnt push it....friends are far to rare to lose one for sex.

Biscuit Buns · 06-29-2005, 11:25 AM

I'm with tecoyah on this...friends like that don't come around everyday and to lose one for sex...well, I'd be pretty upset with myself if I did.

On another note, my heart goes out to this other girl. I've been in her shoes and it sure as shit didn't feel good when I found out.

tooth · 06-29-2005, 12:49 PM

Sounds like he's still happy with his current girlfriend. Don't make a move while he's still dating her. That would be pretty low.

If he makes a move on you, all bets are off.

s3b · 07-04-2005, 03:05 PM

Thanks for everyone who commented. I think I was not exactly in the right state of mind when I wrote that post, caught up in the moment of the idea of traveling to an exotic place with him. In case anyone is interested, an UPDATE.

our trip got cancelled because he didnt get the job he was hoping for, but i recently went back to san diego to visit everyone taking summer school and spending the summer there. we met up for lunch, along with a few other friends and I guess the main reason I posted was because I was hoping for some input as to whether or not the things he did inferred he possibly had feelings for me? For now, I've decided I'm going to let go. I don't want him to break up or have any problems with his GF although I heard the first "threat to break up" had already happened about a week ago. There's nothing for us right now, we're in different places physically for the summer and I'll be gone for a year, so if it's really something special we can figure it out when I get back. The whole "one night of wild sex" was sort of a crazy unrealistic idea, but I agree that it would be inconsiderate and selfish. I don't want his girlfriend to get hurt from him and i's amazing friendship, nor do I want to spoil our friendship, so for now I guess... hopefully I'll get over him before the summer ends.. and you guys are right.. our amazing friendship isn't worth screwing over for a night that may turn into a mistake.

What a boring update, sorry but thanks for all those who commented! =)

kramus · 07-04-2005, 04:19 PM

s3b - threads like this are important to TFP. The interaction, the interest and involvement of the posters, the timeline that unfolds and shows how the Real World is unfolding while being held up to a standard of true intent and dialogue . . .

Believe me, you have created value with your interaction here, and with the way you gave thought and consideration to your life events. Thank you

bobophil · 07-06-2005, 05:05 PM

trust us... as a male member of society...(last time i checked...) we alwaysmake our choice if we wanna have any relationship of any sort in the first minutes of meeting. He want's you and his GF. He has to make the choice... In the mean time, i dunno, play solitare.

s3b · 07-06-2005, 09:24 PM

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so out of nowhere, we're talking online and i was just like WHY AM I SO SCARED OF ASKING HIM. (well besides the obvious dread of rejection) but yes, i started off slow with whether or not he thinks it's weird that everyone thinks we act SO flirtatious and asked how he felt especially since he has a GF, then i pushed forward and asked him "do you think our friendship is 100% platonic?" and he said "no, 80" and the funny thing is we both agreed that our friendship was TOTALLY 100% platonic until his birthday this year ..when we got drunk and went to a KILLERS (woohoo) concert.. and ended up holding hands and each other all night.. which was OUT OF NO WHERE because we had never been physical with each other before that. funny that we both had that day in mind when our feelings for each other changed.

so we talked about it a little, just how the chemistry between us is obviously more than friends, but the way he made it sound with his comment of "80% platonic" made me feel that i felt it a lot more than he did. but then right out of nowhere he sent me this and then signed off.

"i cant do anything about those feelings ah i ono we will see how you are when u get back from england, but i also believe that best friends also have some sort of potential so maybe u should try dru out" (( dru is another one of my best guy friends, who lately i worry that he has feelings for me because its 100% with dru on my part. but *the guy my posts have been about* doesnt believe me that its completely platonic))

WOW I FEEL COMPLETELY FREEEEEEEEE. besides his last IM which let me know we've been on the same page, i told him i had felt guilty that i had been feeling this way about him for months now but never said anything, and he said he felt the same way.. that it was like a secret we were keeping from each other. THANKS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH EVERYONE for your help, and for pushing me to just get this figured out. -- and he just texted me again, "sorry to sign off so abruptly we have an awesome friendship lets just see what happens" .... WOW. i am blown away. even though itll be an entire year before anything could possibly happen between us, and that is only if we both still feel the same way.. i have to say that i am all

<3 talk about a load off of my shoulders.
thanks everyone x1000000000000000

amonkie · 07-07-2005, 05:48 AM

Glad to hear you are happy with the results ... clear paths are much more fun to travel sometimes

dlish · 07-07-2005, 10:39 PM

me..id prefer the anticipation and the 'unknown' rather than the clear paths. its so much more fun!

but im glad that s3b has a clear conscience. good for you!

sillygirl · 07-08-2005, 07:46 AM

I had a situation similar to this except I was the one with a boyfriend. It finally did get to the point where I was spending more and more time with this best friend instead of my boyfriend and well, pretty much the way you described it. We've been together for over a year now and things are awesome. I can't imagine being with anyone other than my best friend.

06-26-2005, 06:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
s3b Upright	just best friends, or is it secretly more? ive been really close friends with this guy for the past two years. when we met i was dating someone, and a few months later he got into a relationship right as mine was ending. he had always openly told me he thought i was pretty, in a NON-hitting-on-me way. we remained close on and off for two years, and for the past few months we've got a lot closer. he's still with his girlfriend of about 18 months now, but i just dont know what is going on with ME and him. he drives me and im always around him like mad crazy. our friendship consists of making fun of each other, joking around, being immature, calling each other stupid & immature, the typical 5 year old type of flirtatious friendship. it's when the alcohol kicks in that we actually get physical. dont get me wrong, we never "cross the line" but basically push it to the max before its considered crossing the line. we'll hold hands at rock concerts (drunk of course), hug more, be more physical, express our emotions of "how lucky we feel to have met each other & to be such great friends", & how much we'll miss each other next year when im off studying abroad for the year. i guess im just trying to figure out if he actually "feels" something for me, or if its just that he likes the attention of having another girl on the side to entertain him (since its not really cheating) .. cause he has been with the gf for a year and a half and relationships get boring and sometimes you need something on the side. i know there's no possibility now since ill be gone for a year, but i just wonder if it crosses his mind. he randomly once told me when he was drunk that "he still felt happy when he was with her, but that he felt there was more to love, and that he could never break up with her b/c shes his first love and no matter what he'd have to wait for her to break up with him" (we've never talked about US before. its just an assumption nothing is there past friendship?) I guess I'm just curious because.. he might take a 2 week vacation with my friend and possibly a few of his (which i dont know) in a rather paradise-like location...in a faroff country and I just don't know whether or not I'll be able to practice self restraint once the alcohol kicks in and we're off in another country far away from everything, including his girlfriend. If I heard "he's not interested, just likes the attention" it would help me get over it perhaps? but then if not, I just really want one night with him to get it out of my system!!!!!!! just one amazingly night of blaring sexual chemistry .. and then sort of goodbye (well for a year while im abroad) and if there really is something between us we can figure it out when i get back? so am i just imagining that there is more than friendship.. or is there? im sucha fool...help! =) Last edited by s3b; 06-26-2005 at 11:24 PM..

06-26-2005, 06:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
Demeter Psycho	I have a friend like that. We've been buds for almost 20 years. We just clicked when we met & had an awful lot of respect & admiration for each other, however, nothing so touchy feely as you, but definately a connection. Then, stupidly, when I was drunk one night I pushed the envelope & we came thisclose to going all the way. He stopped me, we did have significant others at the time. He was a smart man to do so. I am kinda sorry it happened, for I see now that we have an awesome friendship, but I would never fit in the role of his woman. I'm just not his type anyway. Which is alright, he's not exactly my idea of a perfect mate, but he is the best friend I ever had. Because we didn't go further that night & potentially ruin a great friendship, we still remain close & my boyfriend & I occasionally socialize with him & his wife. It would have been a shame to lose him & have him gone from my life. So you could go for the awesome one-nighter, but there is a lot more satisfaction in a lifelong comrade. __________________ I am not bound to please thee with my answers. William Shakespeare

06-26-2005, 08:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	How to know? Plain and simple: Ask Him. Since we're not him, I can't make assumptions about the situation, but best way to clear up ANY questions is to talk about it - when you're both sober. They say alcohol is a depressant since it depresses your "appropriate behavior" filter. If things are happening such as you say, whether or not he tells you want you want to hear, best to get it out NOW so you both know you are on the same page. __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

06-26-2005, 08:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	I stand by conversation as the best way of sorting these things out. If you're honest and forthright (and it sounds like you're like that in most respects) then there's no reason not to just ask him up front if he feels anything more. The best mate for you is someone who you feel physically attracted to and who is attracted to you, but who can also be a great friend. If you can have that, then I say go for it. If he doesn't want it he'll let you know. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

06-26-2005, 09:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
bubonico Upright Location: Iraq :(	Judging by what you described I would say that he is probably interested in you as more than a friend. I doubt he is just using you as a girl to entertain him on the side. How do you think his girlfriend would feel if she saw how you two acted around eachother? Jealous right? That should give you some indication of whether or not he just thinks you are a friend and absolutely nothing more. It sounds like you two have a nice friendship and I would shy away from taking it much further. As nice as it may be for you it would cause way to many complications. And I definitely agree that one night of passionate sex then a goodbye wouldn't really happen. There is going to be lots of emotions involved. __________________ "People sleep peacably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" -George Orwell

06-26-2005, 09:00 PM	#5 (permalink)
Mugzy6 Tilted Location: North Carolina	There can never just be one night of great sex and then just a goodbye.

06-26-2005, 09:42 PM	#7 (permalink)
eMOTIONal20 Crazy Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado	I definitely agree with just talking to him about it. If you both are as close as you say you are, communicating about how you both feel about one another doesn't sound like it would be a big problem. It seems weird to me that he would just not break up with his girlfriend just because she is his first love... that he would simply wait for her to do it, but i suppose that's a different story.... Honestly, as the above post states, if I saw my SO acting the way your friend does around some other girl, I'd probably be jealous. It makes me wonder what the relationship is like between this guy and his girlfriend.... __________________ "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

06-29-2005, 07:51 AM	#8 (permalink)
odu_sonar_AE Tilted	Since you are good friends, talk to him about it. As much as it might seem to be an easier choice by hooking up with him, it could cause complications that could have been solved by talking about it. Let’s say you don’t talk about it, and things go all the way. You’ve put him in a bad situation. He now has to decide whether or not to tell his current girlfriend what happened. Either choice will bring consequences of some sort (though they may not be apparent early on). To make things worse, you’ve done this right before you left to study abroad. This could turn out (not saying it will) like making a mess in the kitchen, then going for a bit & leaving the clean-up to someone else. If you don’t ask, and nothing happens, then you might find your time abroad wondering about him, and the “what if’s.” Although it might be the scariest course of action up-front, talking is the only way I see of knowing without causing harm. Make sure you are honest about your feelings, and the different side of him that comes out after a few drinks. Maybe he truly cares for you, but is afraid to take the leap from his current girlfriend to you (does he know your feelings?). Maybe he just doesn’t know how he acts after a few drinks. Either way, the best solution I see is to communicate this to him, and see where it goes. I wish you luck!

06-29-2005, 08:53 AM	#9 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	He is interested.....more than likely. Does that mean you need to pursue it.....I dont know, only you do. The male mind generally considers sex in any attraction towards something it can be intimate with. The LEVEL of interest in sex is dependent on far too many factors for us to know what is going on in his head(s). But I can virtually guarantee there is interest in his mind. Personally....I wouldnt push it....friends are far to rare to lose one for sex. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

06-29-2005, 11:25 AM	#10 (permalink)
Biscuit Buns Four of Wands Location: Somewhere entirely too hot.	I'm with tecoyah on this...friends like that don't come around everyday and to lose one for sex...well, I'd be pretty upset with myself if I did. On another note, my heart goes out to this other girl. I've been in her shoes and it sure as shit didn't feel good when I found out. __________________ A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West

06-29-2005, 12:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
tooth Addict	Sounds like he's still happy with his current girlfriend. Don't make a move while he's still dating her. That would be pretty low. If he makes a move on you, all bets are off.

07-04-2005, 03:05 PM	#12 (permalink)
s3b Upright	Thanks for everyone who commented. I think I was not exactly in the right state of mind when I wrote that post, caught up in the moment of the idea of traveling to an exotic place with him. In case anyone is interested, an UPDATE. our trip got cancelled because he didnt get the job he was hoping for, but i recently went back to san diego to visit everyone taking summer school and spending the summer there. we met up for lunch, along with a few other friends and I guess the main reason I posted was because I was hoping for some input as to whether or not the things he did inferred he possibly had feelings for me? For now, I've decided I'm going to let go. I don't want him to break up or have any problems with his GF although I heard the first "threat to break up" had already happened about a week ago. There's nothing for us right now, we're in different places physically for the summer and I'll be gone for a year, so if it's really something special we can figure it out when I get back. The whole "one night of wild sex" was sort of a crazy unrealistic idea, but I agree that it would be inconsiderate and selfish. I don't want his girlfriend to get hurt from him and i's amazing friendship, nor do I want to spoil our friendship, so for now I guess... hopefully I'll get over him before the summer ends.. and you guys are right.. our amazing friendship isn't worth screwing over for a night that may turn into a mistake. What a boring update, sorry but thanks for all those who commented! =)

07-04-2005, 04:19 PM	#13 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	s3b - threads like this are important to TFP. The interaction, the interest and involvement of the posters, the timeline that unfolds and shows how the Real World is unfolding while being held up to a standard of true intent and dialogue . . . Believe me, you have created value with your interaction here, and with the way you gave thought and consideration to your life events. Thank you __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

07-06-2005, 05:05 PM	#14 (permalink)
bobophil Tilted	trust us... as a male member of society...(last time i checked...) we alwaysmake our choice if we wanna have any relationship of any sort in the first minutes of meeting. He want's you and his GF. He has to make the choice... In the mean time, i dunno, play solitare. __________________ Check and mate, now king me. -Homer

07-06-2005, 09:24 PM	#15 (permalink)
s3b Upright	I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so out of nowhere, we're talking online and i was just like WHY AM I SO SCARED OF ASKING HIM. (well besides the obvious dread of rejection) but yes, i started off slow with whether or not he thinks it's weird that everyone thinks we act SO flirtatious and asked how he felt especially since he has a GF, then i pushed forward and asked him "do you think our friendship is 100% platonic?" and he said "no, 80" and the funny thing is we both agreed that our friendship was TOTALLY 100% platonic until his birthday this year ..when we got drunk and went to a KILLERS (woohoo) concert.. and ended up holding hands and each other all night.. which was OUT OF NO WHERE because we had never been physical with each other before that. funny that we both had that day in mind when our feelings for each other changed. so we talked about it a little, just how the chemistry between us is obviously more than friends, but the way he made it sound with his comment of "80% platonic" made me feel that i felt it a lot more than he did. but then right out of nowhere he sent me this and then signed off. "i cant do anything about those feelings ah i ono we will see how you are when u get back from england, but i also believe that best friends also have some sort of potential so maybe u should try dru out" (( dru is another one of my best guy friends, who lately i worry that he has feelings for me because its 100% with dru on my part. but the guy my posts have been about doesnt believe me that its completely platonic)) WOW I FEEL COMPLETELY FREEEEEEEEE. besides his last IM which let me know we've been on the same page, i told him i had felt guilty that i had been feeling this way about him for months now but never said anything, and he said he felt the same way.. that it was like a secret we were keeping from each other. THANKS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH EVERYONE for your help, and for pushing me to just get this figured out. -- and he just texted me again, "sorry to sign off so abruptly we have an awesome friendship lets just see what happens" .... WOW. i am blown away. even though itll be an entire year before anything could possibly happen between us, and that is only if we both still feel the same way.. i have to say that i am all <3 talk about a load off of my shoulders. thanks everyone x1000000000000000 Last edited by s3b; 07-06-2005 at 09:35 PM..

07-07-2005, 05:48 AM	#16 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	Glad to hear you are happy with the results ... clear paths are much more fun to travel sometimes __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

07-07-2005, 10:39 PM	#17 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	me..id prefer the anticipation and the 'unknown' rather than the clear paths. its so much more fun! but im glad that s3b has a clear conscience. good for you! __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

07-08-2005, 07:46 AM	#18 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I had a situation similar to this except I was the one with a boyfriend. It finally did get to the point where I was spending more and more time with this best friend instead of my boyfriend and well, pretty much the way you described it. We've been together for over a year now and things are awesome. I can't imagine being with anyone other than my best friend. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...