match000

Hi everyone, I'm kind of new here, hope you guys go easy on me

So, I am wondering how can I tell just how interested a girl is in me. Cuz i really have no experience and don't know!

I am 21, in college, just went on my first date . I had set up a coffee date with the girl, we had talked a few days before on an AIM conversation for an hour.

I asked for out to coffee, she's taking summer school, so she said she'd be busy with a presentation until after Wednesday, but anytime Thursday would work.

Anyways, the coffee date was good to great. We had a nice conversation and all. However, after I walked with her home (it was near where I was going) she didn't give me much of a chance to arrange a second date.

So later I happened to bump into her at the gym, we talked a little, I said we should go workout more, and she was like "Sure"

So anyways, tonight I talk to her briefly on AIM, and after I ask what she was doing tomorrow night (was thinking of arranging a movie date), she put me on hold for an hour and half ("Brb") cuz she was talking with friends. Then she told me she was busy sat night cuz she had to write a paper, yada yada. And no second time was suggested.

I am guessing her interest level is pretty low. Any suggestions anyone? Should I try again, or just forget about it?

snowy

She's not interested. If a girl is interested she will set aside her friends (temporarily of course) to talk to you. She'll find time for you. If that's not the case...move on.

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tecoyah

100% accurate

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Vincentt

AIM is not a good for dates.

What seemed like a great talk on aim, could have been while she was watching TV and talking to her boyfriends on AIM at the same time.

Best to stick the real talking for face to face.

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tiltedbc

I wouldn't read too much into this AIM stuff. There may have been something big going on or maybe she's trying to make you sweat. I'd suggest only talking to her on that for a couple minutes at a time and only to tell her what you're up to.

Set up a social situation with friends that is fun and interesting and then let her know where it is and invite her to come by. If she shows up, it's a good sign.

Just don't "try too hard", which I still do on occasion even after having plenty of relationships. Trying too hard is giving them flowers or compliments and trying to please them at any given moment. Let them know you're interested but don't go overboard. Talk to other girls while she's around as well rather than focusing just on her etc...

Women are just as nervous about this stuff as you. Just take it slow.

Squishor

My guess is for whatever reason, this girl likes you but is not romantically interested. Otherwise she'd make the time. I don't know about the "trying to make you sweat" stuff, but if that's what she was doing, you'd be better off without her anyway.

And, tiltedbc, I really hope you meant "don't give her flowers or compliments too soon", not don't give them at all! Flowers and compliments are definitely a huge plus when trying to establish yourself with a girl! But yes, we get nervous too, and if someone came at me with that stuff after one coffee date I'd be like, "Uh oh...maybe he wants too much from me." On the other hand, flowers and compliments after a one night stand will get you in the door for more nights and a possible relationship. Flowers and compliments the first time you meet will get you thought of as desperate. Also, when giving flowers, keep in mind what you'll be doing after that. Will she get stuck carrying them while you walk to the beach and back? In this case, flowers and compliments may come across as a bit clumsy. Just rambling, sorry.

snowy

As a woman who uses AIM frequently to talk to guys I can tell you that if a woman puts you aside/doesn't respond for THAT long--she's not interested. It's not about making a guy sweat--and believe me, you wouldn't want to be with a woman who would make you sweat. If there had been something big going on, she would have said so.

If a woman on AIM responds repeatedly to your comments with "uh-huh", "yeah," "hmm", "okay", "right", or other non-committal one-word answers...she's not interested. A woman who is interested will display active listening skills just like she would in a REAL conversation--asking questions, saying things beyond "uh-huh" like "oh you poor thing" that display an actual presence, or relaying similar experiences of her own. If this is not the case--keep on truckin'.

I've had a bitch of a time explaining this to my best friend--who reads into AIM conversations more than he should and gets the wrong reading completely.

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Vincentt

I think it should be noted that the reason most people sit on a computer is that they are bored. As such, she might be really into talking to you, but only because she has nothing else to do.

I think you saw this when something else came up, she quickly tossed AIM aside.

I find when I'm bored, I'll talk to people online, that normally I wouldn't.

Also, "yeah, hmm, okay" those mean, you are prob talking to yourself. IT doesn't mean she doesn't want to read your stuff, but you prob should be having a converstation, not a monologe.

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match000

Hi everyone, thanks for the great responses.

Yeah, next time, after I get her cell phone # (which I got from AIM the first time haha), I'll just call her instead. At least I *saw* that I was "put aside" for an hour and a half, and I don't have to waste time chasing someone who's not interested. Plus I should stop dwelling on AIM!
Yeah, I believe most of you are correct; I should move on, but make this girl into just a "friend".

Now, here's where my inexperience again gets the better of me. One reason why I don't meet many women is because I don't have many friends who are girls. Apparently, my friends tell me that if only I made more girls into just friends instead of chasing them, that the girls would introduce me to even more girls, and yada yada I'd be alot better off by now.

So what would you guys suggest for making this girl into just a friend? I'm afraid if I ask her to social outtings or to go work out, etc, that I'd come off as trying to get another date, which I'm not...
I've also read on the internet from Mr. Guru (David Deangelo) that I should explicitly say stuff like "Oh hey, you make a great friend."

tiltedbc

No Squishor, I'm not saying NOT to give this stuff. Just not to go overboard on it too soon or you'll look desperate or spend a lot of money (and heartache) over a girl who doesn't care.

match000

TiltedBC, does that include stuff like paying for her movies and dinner and stuff? Or is that stuff ok?

tiltedbc

Movies & dinner is fine but... an easy way around this is to negotiate in advance. You pay for the date you've taken her on she can pay for both of you the "next time" which ensures another date and also leaves both of you feeling like there isn't a debt owing. Or if you go to the movies, you buy the tickets and she buys the popcorn.

What I'm talking about is showing up with a dozen red roses for your date and a stretch limo to take you to the most expensive restaurant in town. Does that sound like a bit over the top? She'll think so, and wonder if you're nuts.

Regarding the AIM incident.... don't assume anything you can get the facts on. Even if she's not interested in you as a boyfriend, you can at least be friends. If she continues to ignore you, just ask her outright why and if you should leave her alone. Talk to her in person and get the facts rather than jumping to conclusions.

Martian

Dude, you're reading way too much into all of this. Don't chase girls or categorize them a 'friends' and romantic interests. Just go out and have fun. If you like this girl, romantically or otherwise, your best bet is to invite her out. If she comes, great, if not, don't sweat it. If I were in your situation I probably wouldn't assume romantic interest on the strength of a cup of coffee together, but I wouldn't think 'okay, now she's a friend' either.

My experience is that these things tend to work themselves out. She'll make it obvious what she wants as time goes on or you'll make your move and get rejected and move on.

That brings me to another point. Romantic rejection is a bit like getting a needle. If you're tense and trying to avoid it, you'll never get anywhere. But if you accept that it's going to happen and get it over with the first time you'll realize it's really not so bad. I've been shot down my fair share of times and have remained friends with a lot of the girls who told me that 'it's not the right time' or 'we're just not good for each other'. Hell, one of them designed the tattoo on my shoulder.

So, yeah. The biggest, best advice I can think of to give a guy in your situation is not to overthink it. Instead, realize that you are an attractive young man (and I guarantee that there are girls out there who are attracted to you, no matter what 'type' you are), develop a bit of confidence (easier said than done I know, but crucial all the same), accept yourself and just let life happen.

match000

Martian, much of what you said makes good sense. I think it will be much easier and more fun if I just let it happen, and just treat them all the same instead of lumping them into different categories.
And yeah, I am also reading way too much into it. However, I can't help it, at 21, I just got my first 'date' last week. And it was just grabbing coffee. hahaha.
Ah well... thanks for the great advice =D
PS. I am also a fellow Canadian.

Martian

If you want more dates, ask more girls out on them. Really, the worst she'll do is say no.

And that's sort of what I'm getting at. Women do not hold the power to tear your still-beating heart from your chest and crush it. They do not transform into ravanous beasts and devour you if you ask them out and they don't want to go. They say no, you say okay then, let's do something else. Life moves on.

I know where you're coming from, because I've been there. Without publishing the gory details, we'll just say I wasn't always the attractive and virile young man I now am. But at some point I just got sick of all the self-doubt and second guessing and said fuck it. I've been much happier since then and more desired, apparently (although I suspect that might be perception, as if a girl was attracted to me prior to that I was too wrapped up to notice). I never know for sure if a girl likes me. I didn't know for sure that the one I'm seeing now liked me, but I took the plunge and asked and now I'm much happier for it.

Unless you're a mind reader, you'll have no way of knowing (unless she's being really obvious, in which case she either thinks you're too thick to notice otherwise or is just looking for a fuck). At some point you're going to have to take a risk or take a vow of celibacy. Me, I figured the rewards are worth the risk of occasional rejection.

match000

Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly. That's why, lately, I've been trying to just talk with them alot more, whether it be waiting in a line, eating at the cafetaria, going to the gym, etc. It's not just problems with me asking them out, I couldn't really talk to them very well at all if I was in the least bit attracted to them. No, I'm not some weird social freak, just your average guy who is shy with girls.
So yeah, talking with them more, I've been getting better at it, and now I feel I can actually move on to what you are talking about, and "just ask them out."
I am trying to dress nicer, as I was always a sloppy dresser before. I feel like it helps boost my self-confidence And yeah, I know exactly where you're coming from; I've always been a little self-doubting about my ability to attract, I guess that's why I just said "screw girls, I'm going to go study" Hehehe.

Now that I am getting older, I have realized that attitude gets me nowhere. Indeed, I am just starting to take the plunge and go for it.

SPQR

This is correct

oblar

this isn't always true.. I dated a girl for a while and she did that constantly (i got onto her case a bit for it), but it was mainly due to the fact she didn't care much for aim... she rarely goes online at all anymore..

although, you are right about the setting their friends aside.. this girl would actually log in just to talk to me, but the conversations were still pretty much one word replies...

however, you won't know this until you actually get to know the girl and realize how she acts, so I would agree with the not reading too much into any aim conversation.

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Zeraph

Instant messaging is such a double edged sword. Never know quite what others are saying.

match000

I guess you mean because of the amount of time people have to respond, and that they can quite easily say something and not mean it (ie fake excitement, fake etc).

Ah wells. Its a good means of communication amongst good friends though. I always know what my friends are saying (duh i guess haah).

Prince

She just doesn't sound all that interested, so why push it?

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dlish

the famous line from sex and the city...

"shes just not that into you"

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