Fett56

I've been dating a girl since about March and I really need advice on things. I've never been in a real relationship before, and I've made some mistakes. Things were going great at first, and I really thought everything was going to work out nicely. There were a few warning signs, that I should have seen but I didn't until now.

She had been in a relationship for about 2 years before she met me, but had been out of it for about 5 months. I knew the guy, and we weren't friends but we had mutual friends and I played soccer soccer with him and we never had any problems. Well as soon as he finds out I'm interested he goes crazy, threatening hes going to kill himself and all sorts of crazy shit. I came close to calling the cops and getting him on a suicide watch or something, because I thought he was serious, but the girl talked me out of it, saying he'd done it before. He also threatened to fight me a number of times, and I just ignored it. (another warning sign i missed)

Things are going good, we go on a few dates and I hang out with her every day for about 2 months. She doesn't want the girlfriend boyfriend thing, but everyone assumes it anyway and I didn't really mind, because it seemed pointless to argue about it when we were together every day and we liked each other.

Suddenly in the middle of may she comes out that she is picking between me and her ex. I had no idea the whole time that she still had feelings for him, but there were some hints. I came really close to just walking away right there, but I didn't because I figured I didn't really have anything to lose. I ignored it and we continued on like we were before.

On the 31st of May I left for new jersey and a West Point seminar, and I'm staying with family here until the 20th. She warned me that things might change after I was gone so long, and I listened but didn't really think much of it. Sometime last week she called me and told me she had kissed him, but that it didn't change anything between the two of us. I have ignored it so far, and we haven't talked about it at all. She has made it clear she has feelings for both of us and doesn't want to hurt either of us. I really don't know what to do in this situation. I would love to stay together and just put him out of the picture, because she is a great girl and I really like her. I'm annoyed she lead me on for so long and then suddenly hit me with the fact that she was making up her mind whether she liked me or her ex better.

Part of me thinks she was using me to make him want her again, but now that he does she still wants to continue things so I don't think that is right. I talk to her everyday still while I'm here, and she wants to continue things when I get back soon. Should I just stick around and see how things work out, or tell her to make up her mind? Ive been thinking about it a lot lately, and it seems like I should decide before I get back. Thanks for any help, I'm new at this.

maleficent

You were not even gone a month, if she cares about you, she'd wait, especially since this had to do with your future (Going to the Military Academy? That's awesome.. ) She is sounding a lot high maintenace here.

Oh, and you don't get any say in this at all? Very high maintenance.

OK so she plays a game to get his attention... part of that game is play datin a nice guy - the boyfriend thengoes crazy and threatens suicide but she doesnt care anddoesn't want him getting help? Because it's all apart of her game...

Of course she doesnt, she still has the boyfriend, you are just a game to her.

OK - Putting on my tough love hat.. I'm guessing you are probably 18 or 19 - based on your relationship, and this girl is probably pretty hot looking. You've got all the warning signs in front of you -- this girl is not worth the trouble. If she did choose you --it would only be a matter of time before she started playing the same games with you.

First relationships are something to be remembered and well -you can do a lot better than her -with someone who will treat you with respect... and care about you ...

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Fett56

I know what would work out best, and what I should do and I came close tonight... but I just have trouble coming out and saying this is it.

I don't know why though, I know it won't improve because if she still cares for him now it will always hang over everything. She got pissed off at me one time because I played "Wouldn't It Be Nice" in the car one time, and apparently that made her all depressed, and it was somehow my fault even though I like the song.

And I didn't really clarify it good enough but they aren't going out, they broke up 5 months before I met but apparently were still together a lot.

She thinks I should be more protective, like if guys hit on her or say bad things about her, and I'm just kind of laid back about it, most of the time because they are my friends and are never serious.

Last night I came close too, but we talked for 8 hours and in the end I came out committed to just hanging in there...

noodles

tell her to pick the other guy and just get over her. its not worth it to pursue a serious relationship with her or investing your trust and feelings into her, if thats what you're looking to do. if its not what you're looking for, do whatever you like.

she told you she's trying to decide between you and the other guy.
a) she's playing games with either you or the other guy. she's trying to make someone jealous or she just likes attention. do you really want to get involved with someone who plays these kinds of games?
2) she's not mature enough to deal with this properly, publicly stringing both of you guys along until she makes her decision. this should be an indication of her personality and i could almost guarantee this wouldn't be a relationship that would last or end well.

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Fett56

Well against everyones advice and to a degree my own feelings on it, I decided I'm just going to wait it out. I'm not in it for anything more than a good time anymore though, I've realized there is no real future but the summer will be fun. She is fun to hang out with, and I like the intimate stuff which isn't hampered by her choosing decision.

Last night she told me she thinks she is in love with me, but that it didn't change anything in the situation. I'm not in love with her, and I made that clear but she wanted to keep things going the same way they were before I left, and maybe it will work out.

skinnymofo

no offense man, but why ask for advice if your mind was already decided?

getwonk'd

Personally, I'd tell her you don't play with peoples feelings. I would tell her to make her decision and be ready for the answer. I think she will pick you and all of this is just to see how far she can push you. Besides, why invest more time and the chance that you may fall in love with her just to be put on the back burner while she "decides". Best of luck and remember your worth being the first and only choice.

Fett56

My mind wasn't decided really, after posting here and talking to one of my good friends about it I got pretty much the same advice from both places. I started to talk to her about it and break it off, and in the end she convinced me to stick around.

Ballzor

Thats a hell of a spot, but its good you got it sorted out. Just try to keep an eye on things, and when you know its over ,break it off, dont just hang around. Er something like that

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Fett56

It's ending right now... she has still been telling him she loves him the whole time and basically creating conflict between me and him, and I almost got into a fight with him over this yesterday and I'm really pretty sick of it.

Should have taken the advice given in the first place... oh well I got some valuable experience out of all this.

Fett56

And again she has somehow kept me with her... to me it seems as simple as she loves him and I should back out, but she tells me she still wants to be with me, not him, even though she still tells him she loves him.

It is just so easy to ignore it, because when I am with her none of this comes up and everything is great... so I know if I go to sleep and forget about it she will still kiss me tomorrow, so what good would ending it do?

scout

That's what the other guy is thinking and doing to. Aw well if you can live with gettin' someone else's sloppy seconds then go for it

Axiom_e

You should talk to the other guy and put the cunt in her place.

*is jaded*

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Life is meaningless.
How awesome is that?
Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want
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guthmund

It might not seem like it right away, but you'd probably feel a lot better about yourself if you did end it.

It's all about self respect, Fett. If you're perfectly content to be manipulated and walked on for a good time and the promises of physical contact, well, then who am I to argue? I can't make you respect yourself anymore than I can make the rain clouds come.

It's up to you. Like scout said, if sloppy seconds is your thing, stay with her. If being manipulated like a cheap puppet is desirable, stick around. But, if you want the possibility of something better, walk away.

People can only treat you like a doormat if you let them walk around on you.

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Zegel

I totally agree with Guthmund... good lord man, get some back bone.

I know you said that this is your first relationship, but imo you're not in a relationship here. And you wont be. If that's what you're expecting, it's well past time to move on. If you're just looking for good times rather love, than by all means go for it; but you're not going to get anything else out of this. And with the other guy around it sounds like it will be rocky no matter what happens.

Just try to recognize that she's playing an extremely immature game with both you and this other guys' emotions, and is not worth it. She may seem upset about the situation and bring out the protective side in you, but she still is in control of the situation no matter what she says.