inhalo

This is going to be tough to narrow down. 4 years ago I met my SO. Upon our connection she was kidnapped and beaten by her ex. He went to jail and is out again. He had abused her for years and now she was learning what love really was from me. It was a tough road for both of us emotionally. She needed to let her gaurd down and I needed to be patient. So that is what we did.

During the course of this, there was something else going on. I was being introduced to the most amazing sex ever. We were open, and communicating. I learned about what a great blow job is, the beauty of anal, etc, all in all making me addicted to sex. Partially because of this new found joy and my intriuge to learn more, and partly because I felt we needed to be completly honest with each other.... I began to ask about it.

In the course of learning her sexually history I learned about the people she fucked and how old she was when she started. Most I was really not shocked by, becuase I knew she came from a rough road. Well it devastated her. She became filled with a shame that still lingers today. All I wanted was to be open, I did not judge her.

One of the things that came up was her bi-sexuality after the first time she broke up with the abusive ex. I was a little surprised, conserned and intriged. I had some fantasies, but the knowledge didn't really seem to affect much. Although I found myself stuck on one of her comments "that she doesn't know if she can deal with the idea of never touching another woman again". That scared me.

And then months later she confided in me that she had a crush on a girl at college. Battling the idea of the threesome of my life and the very real fact that I could loose her.....I became jealous and hurt. This was not just sex in my mind this was her falling in love. I became insistant that it would harm our relationship.

It was not long after that, our sex life plunged into a scary place. She became rigid and fearfull...I became the enemy. I inqured about it and instead of hearing the stuff that I just told here, I learned of something far more painfull. At five years old she was molested repeatedly by a babysitter. It was our sex that was unfolding her suppressed memory. So at any given time during sex, I could be a rapist.

Now it gets tricky. For years she would force herself to fuck me which only made me feel bad, like I was torturing her. All of this came to a front last night because we have lost that great communication we had since we walk on egg-shells trying not to disappoint each-other.

So now what. Well sex is over and I do not know if that is the right thing or not. She needs counciling but does not want me to be a part of it. I fear that no sex and no communication about sex is basically forcing us to failure. I have exhaused anything proactive that I can do. All that is left is for me to whack off to our homemade porn remembering how great it was before (I still have needs), and hope that by me remaining there and being supportive and understanding will help.

Now this is long but I am sure that I left out a lot. In the short-ness my tone might get misread (happens all the time), I hope you all understand what a hard road this is to walk.


Any help with counciling suggestions would be greatly appreciated

Anyone who has moved on from similar situations

What would you do

Give me you thoughts

Charlatan

I would let her go to thearpy on her own... she clearly needs it.

I would also be prepared to let her go. It sounds like she is doing some growing and learning and while you were a part of that, there person she is growing into doesn't need or want you.

I know that sucks but that is just how it goes sometimes.

Personally, I wouldn't give up right away. This could all be salvagable but in the end my gut tells me you should prepare for the inevitable.

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tecoyah

Understand first....she will never truly get over the emotional/sexual damage done to her,Period. If you decide to be there for her....it will be a very difficult path you embark on, and life will be unpleasant for quite some time. That said, the opportunity to help someone in a profound way seldom happens for no reason, and you can gain much through it as well. No one here can give you the direction this must go, only you know if it is worth the pain to gain ratio.

All I can say is....Good Luck.

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astrahl

This is all about her so give the time she needs. You are affected, yes, but whether she has you in her life or not, these are things that she needs to deal with so that means, in this situation, she is number one. If you stand by her through this time with patience and love and support, she may come out from under this burden with a greater love and respect for you.

If, however, you don't think you can, or don't want to stick this relationship out - figure that out ASAP.

I would suggest some reading on how to deal with relationships in crisis. It will help you understand how best to communicate with her during this very sensitive time.

Even if she vaults out of this trauma and decides to not be with you, you can feel extra special good about how you handled the situation. Very good karma points for you.

Best of luck and keep us posted.
/hugs

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Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
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Acetylene

Yes, this kind of trauma persists for decades and may not ever really go away. My mother still thinks of all romance as forms of prostitution because of a bad experience she had when she was a teenager. (She's not still married to my dad, how could she be?)

I kind of think she needs time alone. She needs to go to a couple of months of counseling by herself, with you as a supportive friend but not a lover, so she can have some time to get to know herself. Since she has been a sexual creature since she was 5 years old, she probably never got a chance to know herself as anything else, and that's important for her to be a complete person.

After she is feeling better, if she still likes you (and you haven't found someone else by then, since it could take a while) you two need to go to couples counseling so you can work on your sex lives together and help break down the fear she feels about you specifically.

This is a long, hard road (already has been, from the sound of it) but it sounds like you've been a saint. She is lucky to have someone as supportive as you to help her with this, but the real test, sadly, is time.

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ratbastid

Wisdom of My Mother: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it wasn't ever yours to begin with.

She needs some time without any pressure from you or ANYTHING sexual to work stuff out on her own. That doesn't mean to ignore her, but it does mean you need to be prepared for anything at all to happen next. It sounds to me like you're prepared to give her that, too. I really congratulate you for that--to be willing to give it all up for someone you love is the highest expression of human being.

Her school almost certainly has a councellor on staff who's available free of charge. Even my dinky little cow-town liberal arts school had that.

Zegel

My SO had an extremely abusive past as well... I think the worst thing that I ever heard was her saying that something I had done 'triggered' her. It was horrible knowing that I might have caused my SO that kind of anguish.

As bad as it was for us to work though, it sounds like your situation is quite a bit worse there. Sorry man. However, it also sounds like you have a chance to help your SO turn her life around and that you're doing just that.

I know it's hard (no pun intended), but if you want to really be there for her you need to stick it out to the end with not being pushy about sex, or anything sex related. She will most likely be overly sensitive and easily triggered while she is recovering. Things that used to be playful and fun might be completely off-limits now, even if they're not sex-related in your mind.

One thing that you can do that most likely no one has done for her before - show her what it's like to have intimacy without the intention of sex. This may be hard to get through to her the first time as she might have it in her head that, hey, you're a man, and you have needs, and if you're doing something nice for her you might be trying to get some. That can be a pretty hard shell to break, but if you do you'll be able to show her that you truly care about her. It's about taking care of her needs first (after all, dealing with a sexually abusive past is slightly harder to deal with than not getting any), no matter how long it takes.

If you do make it through it, you'll both find a new level of intimacy on the other end and things will be much, much better than they were in the past, including the sex .

Oh, and just as personal opinion, I would stay away from the home-made porn (especially if she knows you're watching it!). For me atleast, it seems like watching that would just make it things worse, being a constant reminder of the fact that the sex-life is non-existant for the time being. Theres plenty of porn out there to keep a man entertained eh?

inhalo

You have certainly been through this before. This is the worst. It is difficult to deal with the reaction too. My sadness for being a trigger can seem like disappointment of her performance. I try my best too eleviate that extra stress.

I totally agree, and this take a lot of communication. I can not just lightly touch her arm now. These little things are what make this difficult. Giving up on sex is not that big of a deal, it is figuring out what can and can not be done that may be confused with sex. The reality about sex is that I would not be getting any if I gave up on her either. No sex and being togather is obviously better that no sex and being apart. She means the world to me, not sex.

Ah yes, intamacy with no sex gettting confused pushing for sex. All it takes is a kiss (or look or smell or taste or wind blowing or sunny day or smiles or thoughts or whatever) to get me hard. I have very little control over it. But, just because I get hard does not mean I am pushing for sex, my body just thinks it might stumble on some. My only asset is communication here too. Her needs are all I care about even if a stubborn hard on is screaming otherwise.

This is my hope, my faith. It is encouraging to hear your words. Thank you for them.

You hit the nail on the head. It is devastating but so is other porn. Fuck, getting Victoria's Secret catalogs is heartbreaking (so many expensive items in our closest that I have only seen once). I have removed the home made stuff from my mind for the time being, she does not deserve the comparison (either do I).





I have to say that I am very thankful to this site for giving me an outlet for this. You are all doctors and scholars in your own way. I appreciate those of you that are applauding my crusade and character. I must say that having been a trigger of horror does not make me feel like a "saint" as I was referred to earlier. I have made many mistakes in this situation and I put a lot of blame on myself. This may be just because I can not blame her for things that other people did to her. Regardless I do feel like a good man, which is something I am proud of.

gh0ti

Ugh

This thread brings back some memories. My first love had an abusive past as well. I lost my virginity to her, we stayed together for 5 years, got engaged and she broke it off 3 months before the wedding.

Some time after our “honey moon” period she began to open up about her past. Her step grandfather had repeatedly molested her while she was growing up. She began to feel real uncomfortable about sex in general. I’m a very cuddly person. I like making out, I like touching, I like being touched. Every time I wanted to just be close she started taking it as a sexual advance on my part. It really confused the hell out of me for a long time. I felt rejected for a long time. I don’t know if that killed our relationship or not. She ended up sleeping with 2 of my friends while we were together (which I didn’t find out about till recently, which was like being dumped all over again emotionally speaking).

I don’t know, its been 2 years and I’m pretty much over all the pain. She just got married (this past weekend actually) and sent me a “final good by email” yesterday

I’m in the process of getting involved with a new girl, she is much younger (im 26 and she is 18). She has been through a lot of the same things my ex had happen to her and I’m afraid of going through all that mess again, but everyone is different so I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and just give it a shot. I was trying to take things much much slower this time, but she kind of made it a bit difficult :-)

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