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Originally Posted by Zegel
My SO had an extremely abusive past as well... I think the worst thing that I ever heard was her saying that something I had done 'triggered' her. It was horrible knowing that I might have caused my SO that kind of anguish.
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You have certainly been through this before. This is the worst. It is difficult to deal with the reaction too. My sadness for being a trigger can seem like disappointment of her performance. I try my best too eleviate that extra stress.
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Originally Posted by Zegel
I know it's hard (no pun intended), but if you want to really be there for her you need to stick it out to the end with not being pushy about sex, or anything sex related. She will most likely be overly sensitive and easily triggered while she is recovering. Things that used to be playful and fun might be completely off-limits now, even if they're not sex-related in your mind.
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I totally agree, and this take a lot of communication. I can not just lightly touch her arm now. These little things are what make this difficult. Giving up on sex is not that big of a deal, it is figuring out what can and can not be done that may be confused with sex. The reality about sex is that I would not be getting any if I gave up on her either. No sex and being togather is obviously better that no sex and being apart. She means the world to me, not sex.
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Originally Posted by Zegel
One thing that you can do that most likely no one has done for her before - show her what it's like to have intimacy without the intention of sex. This may be hard to get through to her the first time as she might have it in her head that, hey, you're a man, and you have needs, and if you're doing something nice for her you might be trying to get some. That can be a pretty hard shell to break, but if you do you'll be able to show her that you truly care about her. It's about taking care of her needs first (after all, dealing with a sexually abusive past is slightly harder to deal with than not getting any), no matter how long it takes.
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Ah yes, intamacy with no sex gettting confused pushing for sex. All it takes is a kiss (or look or smell or taste or wind blowing or sunny day or smiles or thoughts or whatever) to get me hard. I have very little control over it. But, just because I get hard does not mean I am pushing for sex, my body just thinks it might stumble on some. My only asset is communication here too. Her needs are all I care about even if a stubborn hard on is screaming otherwise.
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Originally Posted by Zegel
If you do make it through it, you'll both find a new level of intimacy on the other end and things will be much, much better than they were in the past, including the sex  . |
This is my hope, my faith. It is encouraging to hear your words. Thank you for them.
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Originally Posted by Zegel
Oh, and just as personal opinion, I would stay away from the home-made porn (especially if she knows you're watching it!). For me atleast, it seems like watching that would just make it things worse, being a constant reminder of the fact that the sex-life is non-existant for the time being. Theres plenty of porn out there to keep a man entertained eh?
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You hit the nail on the head. It is devastating but so is other porn. Fuck, getting Victoria's Secret catalogs is heartbreaking (so many expensive items in our closest that I have only seen once). I have removed the home made stuff from my mind for the time being, she does not deserve the comparison (either do I).
I have to say that I am very thankful to this site for giving me an outlet for this. You are all doctors and scholars in your own way. I appreciate those of you that are applauding my crusade and character. I must say that having been a trigger of horror does not make me feel like a "saint" as I was referred to earlier. I have made many mistakes in this situation and I put a lot of blame on myself. This may be just because I can not blame her for things that other people did to her. Regardless I do feel like a good man, which is something I am proud of.