This is going to be tough to narrow down. 4 years ago I met my SO. Upon our connection she was kidnapped and beaten by her ex. He went to jail and is out again. He had abused her for years and now she was learning what love really was from me. It was a tough road for both of us emotionally. She needed to let her gaurd down and I needed to be patient. So that is what we did.
During the course of this, there was something else going on. I was being introduced to the most amazing sex ever. We were open, and communicating. I learned about what a great blow job is, the beauty of anal, etc, all in all making me addicted to sex. Partially because of this new found joy and my intriuge to learn more, and partly because I felt we needed to be completly honest with each other.... I began to ask about it.
In the course of learning her sexually history I learned about the people she fucked and how old she was when she started. Most I was really not shocked by, becuase I knew she came from a rough road. Well it devastated her. She became filled with a shame that still lingers today. All I wanted was to be open, I did not judge her.
One of the things that came up was her bi-sexuality after the first time she broke up with the abusive ex. I was a little surprised, conserned and intriged. I had some fantasies, but the knowledge didn't really seem to affect much. Although I found myself stuck on one of her comments "that she doesn't know if she can deal with the idea of never touching another woman again". That scared me.
And then months later she confided in me that she had a crush on a girl at college. Battling the idea of the threesome of my life and the very real fact that I could loose her.....I became jealous and hurt. This was not just sex in my mind this was her falling in love. I became insistant that it would harm our relationship.
It was not long after that, our sex life plunged into a scary place. She became rigid and fearfull...I became the enemy. I inqured about it and instead of hearing the stuff that I just told here, I learned of something far more painfull. At five years old she was molested repeatedly by a babysitter. It was our sex that was unfolding her suppressed memory. So at any given time during sex, I could be a rapist.
Now it gets tricky. For years she would force herself to fuck me which only made me feel bad, like I was torturing her. All of this came to a front last night because we have lost that great communication we had since we walk on egg-shells trying not to disappoint each-other.
So now what. Well sex is over and I do not know if that is the right thing or not. She needs counciling but does not want me to be a part of it. I fear that no sex and no communication about sex is basically forcing us to failure. I have exhaused anything proactive that I can do. All that is left is for me to whack off to our homemade porn remembering how great it was before (I still have needs), and hope that by me remaining there and being supportive and understanding will help.
Now this is long but I am sure that I left out a lot. In the short-ness my tone might get misread (happens all the time), I hope you all understand what a hard road this is to walk.
Any help with counciling suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Anyone who has moved on from similar situations
What would you do
Give me you thoughts
