Possible breakup - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

BigDonkey2 · 03-09-2005, 04:29 PM

I have had previous threads on here about my gf being in France (http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=74726 and http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=69890). She went to Marseille for the Fall semester and decided to go back to Paris this Spring. Things last semester were really shitty and we were not good to each other, but somehow managed to get by. I thought we were doing ok so far this Spring but things have kind of come to a halt in our relationship.

She has kind of been pissed at me for the past 2 weeks because I said something to hurt her feelings and then tried to forget about it. She was more pissed that I just played it off like it didn't happen. I just wanted to let it go and not focus on it because then it would just piss her off even more. I didn't really think it was a big deal but apparently she did. It seems like every little thing I do right now pisses her off. I talked to her today and the conversation went from pretty good to a stand still. She told me that she cried for like an hour just about me and I don't even know why. She said that she has felt a big distance between us and that she doesn't like it, which I agree with, but it doesn't seem like we can do anything to fix it. Then she puts everything on me asking me what I want, asking if I want to be with her or if we should break up and cut our losses. I wrote to her in an email last week that I needed some time to myself to think, which I don't even know why I wrote. I think I'm really confused as to how I feel about her and what to do. I think that some of my feelings for her have faded away, which I don't want to happen but can't seem to help. I think not being able to be physical with her has taken an unnoticed effect on me. Our conversations on the phone are now bland and boring and it doesn't seem like they're going to get any better. After I told her I wanted to go today I said I would call her either tomorrow or the following day and she told me not to and that she would call me when she was ready. I think she doesn't know what she wants right now. She thinks she does but I really don't think she knows, as do I. I told her to really think about what she wants and then let me know. She likes being over there in France, and I can't help but think there is something she hasn't told me, which I hope isn't true, especially after last semester. She takes everything I say to literally and it upsets her and there's nothing I can do to fix it, which is really frustrating. She said that she loves me so much that everything little thing just upsets her because she gets so damn emotional and loves me so much, which I guess is just the way she is. She also told me that she is really emotionally drained and that if I wanted to breakup with her that she wouldn't argue a reason not to. I don't understand this. I guess we're just both confused.

I guess I'm just frustrated and confused with what's going on between us right now and I really don't know what to do. Time on the phone is limited because of calling cards and all. It gets pretty expensive. Our only other option is email, which we have been doing. Are we only delaying the inevitable? Should I just cut my losses now and move on? I really do love her (my first love) but I just don't know what to do right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

-BigD

EDIT: Should I just wait until she gets back and see how we feel?

P.S. We've been together for 1.5 years and I'm 20 and shes 21.
P.P.S. She comes back in mid May and lives 5 hours away from me, so its kind of been a LDR for the past year. She comes back to school in the fall.

kramus · 03-09-2005, 04:39 PM

Take a sabbatical. Call it what you want but make it clear to both of you that you are going to let the constant contact between you stop happening. She'll still be on your mind, but if you don't go around telling that to the world the world will let you get on with things. If in future you do find that when you are face to face again that you reconnect then that is all to the good. My sweetie and I separated as things got a little ragged between us - she went from Ontario Canada to be a nurse in Miami Beach while I moved out to Western Canada. A year later we got back together and we ended up married for 24+ years. Still married but separated - we love each other but the differences can get to be a bitch. Still, we allowed each other space when we were your age and neither of us regretted it. My 2 cents.

abaya · 03-10-2005, 11:08 AM

BigD, have you tried chatting online? MSN Messenger, for example, lets you chat in real time and it's much better for lessening the tension of voice-to-voice emotional reactions that come with the phone. Or, if you want free phone, again with MSN you just need a microphone/headset (pretty cheap, really) and you can talk basically like you're on a phone, even over the Atlantic. You can also get a webcam that helps you see each other when you are chatting... and believe me, with long-distance relationships, having that daily visual/audio connection is almost crucial. Sometimes it can make things harder (wanting to have the physical aspect but knowing it's impossible), but I think the pros outweigh the cons. Do you guys write each other letters? Do you do little things for her to maintain that in-loveness? It's really important to cultivate the atmosphere of your relationship (including seemingly meaningless romantic gestures, which are actually VERY important), otherwise communication breaks down and you end up where you're at.

By the way, in general, people get really insecure and sensitive over long distances and time separating them. (see my thread: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=84430 ) I guarantee you will see how common it is, esp. with women. We just read so much into everything, especially since guys seem to disconnect with us emotionally when we are out of their sight. I'm telling you, the more distance you have with her, the more attention you need to pay her... and if you aren't as into her now, I'd say be honest with yourself and tell her you don't have the energy to pay as much attention anymore, which basically means you go back to being "friends" (whatever that means). And it's vice versa too, she should be very willing to pay attention to you... etc.

And Kramus, maybe this should be another thread or PM, but I'm curious as to what the "differences" are that you spoke about. You were married for 24+ years, and what happened? Where were all the differences during that time?... I mean, did they come to light after time, or were you both just so busy with family/jobs etc that you didn't notice? This is the kind of story that kind of freaks me out about marriage, so that's why I'm curious.

Cimarron29414 · 03-10-2005, 11:36 AM

It sounds like both of you want to cut your losses, but neither wants to be the one to say it. It is possible that she is the one for you, but she is also your first love and that can be confusing the issue. Lots of women out there. After only one, I don't know that you are qualified to judge if she is "the best one for you". Date around casually. You will quickly learn whether she is worth the trouble. By that time, she will be back in the States. Oh, and....

What happens in France, stays in France.

BigDonkey2 · 03-10-2005, 12:59 PM

Abaya, theres no really way we can talk online. She has to use the computers at school and there are classes and people waiting in line, so that kind of rules out talking online. I just got off the phone with her and it doesnt sound so well. You are exactly right Cimarron. Neither of us wants to be the one to say that we're done. I mean I guess we could take a break but I don't know if that will help. We are two different people and don't really have all that much in common. I guess we were just opposites that attracted. I'm going to think about it tonight and call her tomorrow and see how she feels as well.

Its just so hard to imagine your life without that person. I mean she's all I've known for the past year and a half. Yes its going to be weird if we do breakup, but I'm sure I'll be ok. She is my first love. I'm just kind of worried about her. She seems so sad over it, but I guess thats what happens. I guess I just have to look out for myself first. We're never happy anymore together on phone, especially for the past 2 weeks. Its been nothing but getting into arguments and bickering and it just sucks and doesn't seem like its going to get any better. Things were going so well for the first month and a half and all the sudden in the past two weeks things have just came tumbling down. I'll let you guys know what happens.

kramus · 03-10-2005, 01:47 PM

Just a quick re-visit for Abaya, not a hijack! First love, high school sweethearts, first date 2 days before her 16th BD. Always very different people in so many many ways. The differences were pushed aside by genuine love, and eventually by the grind of family and job and all the little crises. We cared and tried and did (still do actually) councilling for years. The pressures of the kids I think was a killer. Also the unending weight of financial responsibilities and a series of health and family issues. One day I told her how all the evidence of our physical situation (the disarray and the debris, the lurches upwards in the debt burden and the helter-skelter kids, no pure happiness or spontaneous joy ...) were symptoms of a seriously disfunctional household. The conversation and the realization that we really couldn't work together anymore snowballed from that.

Conversation doesn't sparkle and we have issues with each others families and we don't see things the same with the kids ... At least our youngest is 12 now and we are grandparents, so it's not like we are in the first stages of married life. It is hard on the kids - but maybe in years to come ... but probably not ...

abaya · 03-10-2005, 01:59 PM

Okay Kramus, thank you! And it's not so much thread-jacking, since I think your statements might help BigD see a different view... in the long run, maybe his current painful breakup will be something he'll be glad for in the future, if it got him out of a potentially worse situation.

Of course now I have a million other questions for you, Kramus. The main ones are, would things have been different between you and your wife if you hadn't had kids? What does it mean when you say "we don't see things the same with the kids?" When did you stop experiencing happiness or spontaneous joy, and if you could change things, what would you do... not have married her in the first place, not have kids, or just do it all over again and lived through it? I found the parallel between your physical and emotional environments very interesting... was it always that way?

Again, like I said, this kind of stuff terrifies me about marriage/kids... and while I don't want to avoid these things just because they scare me, I do want hear other people's reflections on how they wish they'd handled things earlier. Feel free to answer these over PM if it seems it's irrelevant to BigD's case, but somehow I think it might help him feel better? I dunno...

Dale Kemp · 03-10-2005, 02:54 PM

It's really obvious that, right now, the lady is focussed on personal goals, other than building the relationship with you into something marriage worthy. So the ONLY thing to do is declare a holiday. Keep in touch with her as a friend; one who likes her a lot, but isn't going steady with her or anything.

The next step is to get yourself out there chasing other girls. You need to broaden your horizon. Consider that this "first love" may not have been the ultimate for you, but a learning experience. Go find the next lesson.

When she comes back, and hopefully, your calendar is pretty full of other fun with other women, then let her demonstrate some real interest in you. React coolly to her, as rather platonic friend would. If she really wants to build some heat in your relationship, let her work at it a little bit.

Either way, you win. You gain valuable insight by seeing other girls, and you get your first love to earn your interest in her by being more aloof. It's all good.

BigDonkey2 · 03-10-2005, 09:51 PM

I think I've made up my mind and I'm going to break up with her. There are a lot of factors going into this and I just want to thank everybody for their advice. I'll keep you guys posted on what happens.

BigDonkey2 · 03-11-2005, 10:43 AM

Well its final. We're done. Things were shaky between us ever since she left for France. Lots of stuff I don't want to go into but I'll just leave it at the fact that we're broken up now, which is kind of a relief but kind of sad at the same time. I want the best for her. Thanks for all the advice.

insidious_machinae · 03-11-2005, 01:38 PM

This message has been deleted.

cowgirl02 · 03-11-2005, 02:40 PM

WOW!!! I am sorry but, remember that everything happens for a reason!! I wish you good luck with everything and be strong you will find the right person and who knows things might change when she comes back!!! Good Luck!

03-09-2005, 04:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
BigDonkey2 Insane Location: California	Possible breakup I have had previous threads on here about my gf being in France (http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=74726 and http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=69890). She went to Marseille for the Fall semester and decided to go back to Paris this Spring. Things last semester were really shitty and we were not good to each other, but somehow managed to get by. I thought we were doing ok so far this Spring but things have kind of come to a halt in our relationship. She has kind of been pissed at me for the past 2 weeks because I said something to hurt her feelings and then tried to forget about it. She was more pissed that I just played it off like it didn't happen. I just wanted to let it go and not focus on it because then it would just piss her off even more. I didn't really think it was a big deal but apparently she did. It seems like every little thing I do right now pisses her off. I talked to her today and the conversation went from pretty good to a stand still. She told me that she cried for like an hour just about me and I don't even know why. She said that she has felt a big distance between us and that she doesn't like it, which I agree with, but it doesn't seem like we can do anything to fix it. Then she puts everything on me asking me what I want, asking if I want to be with her or if we should break up and cut our losses. I wrote to her in an email last week that I needed some time to myself to think, which I don't even know why I wrote. I think I'm really confused as to how I feel about her and what to do. I think that some of my feelings for her have faded away, which I don't want to happen but can't seem to help. I think not being able to be physical with her has taken an unnoticed effect on me. Our conversations on the phone are now bland and boring and it doesn't seem like they're going to get any better. After I told her I wanted to go today I said I would call her either tomorrow or the following day and she told me not to and that she would call me when she was ready. I think she doesn't know what she wants right now. She thinks she does but I really don't think she knows, as do I. I told her to really think about what she wants and then let me know. She likes being over there in France, and I can't help but think there is something she hasn't told me, which I hope isn't true, especially after last semester. She takes everything I say to literally and it upsets her and there's nothing I can do to fix it, which is really frustrating. She said that she loves me so much that everything little thing just upsets her because she gets so damn emotional and loves me so much, which I guess is just the way she is. She also told me that she is really emotionally drained and that if I wanted to breakup with her that she wouldn't argue a reason not to. I don't understand this. I guess we're just both confused. I guess I'm just frustrated and confused with what's going on between us right now and I really don't know what to do. Time on the phone is limited because of calling cards and all. It gets pretty expensive. Our only other option is email, which we have been doing. Are we only delaying the inevitable? Should I just cut my losses now and move on? I really do love her (my first love) but I just don't know what to do right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. -BigD EDIT: Should I just wait until she gets back and see how we feel? P.S. We've been together for 1.5 years and I'm 20 and shes 21. P.P.S. She comes back in mid May and lives 5 hours away from me, so its kind of been a LDR for the past year. She comes back to school in the fall. Last edited by BigDonkey2; 03-09-2005 at 04:47 PM..

03-09-2005, 04:39 PM	#2 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Take a sabbatical. Call it what you want but make it clear to both of you that you are going to let the constant contact between you stop happening. She'll still be on your mind, but if you don't go around telling that to the world the world will let you get on with things. If in future you do find that when you are face to face again that you reconnect then that is all to the good. My sweetie and I separated as things got a little ragged between us - she went from Ontario Canada to be a nurse in Miami Beach while I moved out to Western Canada. A year later we got back together and we ended up married for 24+ years. Still married but separated - we love each other but the differences can get to be a bitch. Still, we allowed each other space when we were your age and neither of us regretted it. My 2 cents. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

03-10-2005, 11:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	BigD, have you tried chatting online? MSN Messenger, for example, lets you chat in real time and it's much better for lessening the tension of voice-to-voice emotional reactions that come with the phone. Or, if you want free phone, again with MSN you just need a microphone/headset (pretty cheap, really) and you can talk basically like you're on a phone, even over the Atlantic. You can also get a webcam that helps you see each other when you are chatting... and believe me, with long-distance relationships, having that daily visual/audio connection is almost crucial. Sometimes it can make things harder (wanting to have the physical aspect but knowing it's impossible), but I think the pros outweigh the cons. Do you guys write each other letters? Do you do little things for her to maintain that in-loveness? It's really important to cultivate the atmosphere of your relationship (including seemingly meaningless romantic gestures, which are actually VERY important), otherwise communication breaks down and you end up where you're at. By the way, in general, people get really insecure and sensitive over long distances and time separating them. (see my thread: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=84430 ) I guarantee you will see how common it is, esp. with women. We just read so much into everything, especially since guys seem to disconnect with us emotionally when we are out of their sight. I'm telling you, the more distance you have with her, the more attention you need to pay her... and if you aren't as into her now, I'd say be honest with yourself and tell her you don't have the energy to pay as much attention anymore, which basically means you go back to being "friends" (whatever that means). And it's vice versa too, she should be very willing to pay attention to you... etc. And Kramus, maybe this should be another thread or PM, but I'm curious as to what the "differences" are that you spoke about. You were married for 24+ years, and what happened? Where were all the differences during that time?... I mean, did they come to light after time, or were you both just so busy with family/jobs etc that you didn't notice? This is the kind of story that kind of freaks me out about marriage, so that's why I'm curious. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-10-2005, 11:36 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	It sounds like both of you want to cut your losses, but neither wants to be the one to say it. It is possible that she is the one for you, but she is also your first love and that can be confusing the issue. Lots of women out there. After only one, I don't know that you are qualified to judge if she is "the best one for you". Date around casually. You will quickly learn whether she is worth the trouble. By that time, she will be back in the States. Oh, and.... What happens in France, stays in France. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

03-10-2005, 12:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
BigDonkey2 Insane Location: California	Abaya, theres no really way we can talk online. She has to use the computers at school and there are classes and people waiting in line, so that kind of rules out talking online. I just got off the phone with her and it doesnt sound so well. You are exactly right Cimarron. Neither of us wants to be the one to say that we're done. I mean I guess we could take a break but I don't know if that will help. We are two different people and don't really have all that much in common. I guess we were just opposites that attracted. I'm going to think about it tonight and call her tomorrow and see how she feels as well. Its just so hard to imagine your life without that person. I mean she's all I've known for the past year and a half. Yes its going to be weird if we do breakup, but I'm sure I'll be ok. She is my first love. I'm just kind of worried about her. She seems so sad over it, but I guess thats what happens. I guess I just have to look out for myself first. We're never happy anymore together on phone, especially for the past 2 weeks. Its been nothing but getting into arguments and bickering and it just sucks and doesn't seem like its going to get any better. Things were going so well for the first month and a half and all the sudden in the past two weeks things have just came tumbling down. I'll let you guys know what happens. Last edited by BigDonkey2; 03-10-2005 at 01:03 PM..

03-10-2005, 01:47 PM	#6 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Just a quick re-visit for Abaya, not a hijack! First love, high school sweethearts, first date 2 days before her 16th BD. Always very different people in so many many ways. The differences were pushed aside by genuine love, and eventually by the grind of family and job and all the little crises. We cared and tried and did (still do actually) councilling for years. The pressures of the kids I think was a killer. Also the unending weight of financial responsibilities and a series of health and family issues. One day I told her how all the evidence of our physical situation (the disarray and the debris, the lurches upwards in the debt burden and the helter-skelter kids, no pure happiness or spontaneous joy ...) were symptoms of a seriously disfunctional household. The conversation and the realization that we really couldn't work together anymore snowballed from that. Conversation doesn't sparkle and we have issues with each others families and we don't see things the same with the kids ... At least our youngest is 12 now and we are grandparents, so it's not like we are in the first stages of married life. It is hard on the kids - but maybe in years to come ... but probably not ... __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

03-10-2005, 01:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Okay Kramus, thank you! And it's not so much thread-jacking, since I think your statements might help BigD see a different view... in the long run, maybe his current painful breakup will be something he'll be glad for in the future, if it got him out of a potentially worse situation. Of course now I have a million other questions for you, Kramus. The main ones are, would things have been different between you and your wife if you hadn't had kids? What does it mean when you say "we don't see things the same with the kids?" When did you stop experiencing happiness or spontaneous joy, and if you could change things, what would you do... not have married her in the first place, not have kids, or just do it all over again and lived through it? I found the parallel between your physical and emotional environments very interesting... was it always that way? Again, like I said, this kind of stuff terrifies me about marriage/kids... and while I don't want to avoid these things just because they scare me, I do want hear other people's reflections on how they wish they'd handled things earlier. Feel free to answer these over PM if it seems it's irrelevant to BigD's case, but somehow I think it might help him feel better? I dunno... __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-10-2005, 02:54 PM	#8 (permalink)
Dale Kemp Crazy Location: New Mexico	It's really obvious that, right now, the lady is focussed on personal goals, other than building the relationship with you into something marriage worthy. So the ONLY thing to do is declare a holiday. Keep in touch with her as a friend; one who likes her a lot, but isn't going steady with her or anything. The next step is to get yourself out there chasing other girls. You need to broaden your horizon. Consider that this "first love" may not have been the ultimate for you, but a learning experience. Go find the next lesson. When she comes back, and hopefully, your calendar is pretty full of other fun with other women, then let her demonstrate some real interest in you. React coolly to her, as rather platonic friend would. If she really wants to build some heat in your relationship, let her work at it a little bit. Either way, you win. You gain valuable insight by seeing other girls, and you get your first love to earn your interest in her by being more aloof. It's all good. __________________ Trueheart

03-10-2005, 09:51 PM	#9 (permalink)
BigDonkey2 Insane Location: California	I think I've made up my mind and I'm going to break up with her. There are a lot of factors going into this and I just want to thank everybody for their advice. I'll keep you guys posted on what happens.

03-11-2005, 10:43 AM	#10 (permalink)
BigDonkey2 Insane Location: California	Well its final. We're done. Things were shaky between us ever since she left for France. Lots of stuff I don't want to go into but I'll just leave it at the fact that we're broken up now, which is kind of a relief but kind of sad at the same time. I want the best for her. Thanks for all the advice.

03-11-2005, 01:38 PM	#11 (permalink)
insidious_machinae Psycho	This message has been deleted. Last edited by insidious_machinae; 03-20-2010 at 10:29 AM..

03-11-2005, 02:40 PM	#12 (permalink)
cowgirl02 Tilted Location: Dallas, Texas	WOW!!! I am sorry but, remember that everything happens for a reason!! I wish you good luck with everything and be strong you will find the right person and who knows things might change when she comes back!!! Good Luck! __________________ "If you judge people, you have no time to love them"- Mother Theresa No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. *Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.