KellyC

OK. This might be a bit long and confusing, so bear with me please. I'll try to make as short and clear as possible.

I've been knowing this girl on the internet for about two months now. We really clicked with each other. We'd chat on AIM every day for the past two months, and every chat session, it lasts at least 5 hours. Shortly after our initial interaction (like a couple days), she began to have feelings for me and I do for her too. So we decided to meet each other, but we do it in a group to avoid any awkward feelings and plus, it's more fun that way I suppose.

So on the day that we're supposed to meet, I got into an accident. It's a small one, but big enough to prevent me from seeing her (I post a detailed account of that incident in my journal if any one is interested). So that first time seeing each other didn't work out, we tried to set up another one, but it failed again. Then a third one, and it also failed. So we decided to finally see each other after finals, when everything is out of the way.

While we wait for finals to be over, we continue to chat and explore each other. During which time, her feelings for me grew and mine for her too. But it's not all smooth and dandy like it's supposed to be. There are times when she'd get mad at me and stopped talking to me. During which time, all I could do is mope around the house and feel helpless. This is weird because I never acted or feel like this before when a girl is mad at me, I don't care, but this one I do. Which leads me to think I might be in love for the very first time. I wasn't sure about it though, so I hesitated to acknowledge it and tell her about it.

So eventually, she'd talk to me again, and me being so happy that she talks to me forget all about everything else and just talk to her. There's one time where we chat for 13 hours, that really made my feelings for her grow stronger and her likewise with me. But be that as it may, I still refuse to acknowledge that what I feel is love so I kept it to myself.

And while keeping it to myself, I continue to talk to her, and some how manages to hurt her. I really didn't want to, but it just happen. I remember one time where she'd cry for 2 days and didn't eat anything. She'd get so weak that she fainted in her school. When I know about it, it just breaks my heart.

I finally acknowledges that what I feel for her is love this past two weeks. And I told her, but the problem is, her feelings for me faded when she cried. So that kinda bums me out a little, but I'm determined to go after her now. So I kept talking to her and eventually, some of her feelings came back. But some how, I screwed up and well...shit happens. But I fixed it after that...

We eventually met last night. After two months of chatting on AIM and talking over the phone. We finally met. At first, it wasn't awkward per se, but there's a level of weirdness in it. She said she wanted to be friends because we kept on being "on and off" so much. That got me down, but I just kept talking. Eventually, one thing leads to another, we made out, first on the driver and passenger seat, then we moved back to the back seat of my car for more room. Best time of my life last night...

This morning, we're both happy because of what happen last night, the thought of being friends began to slip her mind. But as we kept talking, we get to some serious stuff and once again, I fucked up. She finally gets tired of this "on and off" feeling and told me to think what I really want then answer her in 4 hours. I really want to be with her, but like her, this feeling of being happy one moment and shitty the next is starting to wear me down. And this, being my first time in love, wanted desperately to make this work. But I don't know if it'll happen. And should it happen, is it the right choice?
I'm so confused right now...so any advice or comment is greatly appreciated...
I also apolgize for the poor grammar and for making so little sense. My mind is kinda dead right now from all the thinking so this is the best I can do. If any one need some clarifying about anything, please ask. I have about 3 hours to answer her.

Some additional info:
-She's 4 years older than me
-She has 3 BFs before me already, so she's quite experienced...and I'm not, so I screwed up.
-There are tons of other guys going after her as well, I know at least 10, which worries me.
-I'll be leaving for Vietnam in 1 week, she'll be going to Las Vegas and California at the same time. We won't see each other for at least 2 weeks. Not a good way to start a relationship don't you think?

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

ElwoodBlues

well, what you have to really decide is, are the good times good enough to make to bad times worth it?

sounds like quite the conundrum you've got there

__________________
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

KellyC

Yes, the good times far outweigh the bad times. What happened last night makes all the troubles in the last two months very worth while.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

ElwoodBlues

then say yes dude.

when I was first getting together with indigochild, I had to be a persistent motherfucker. She was afraid we weren't compatible, and that we'd fight, and the bad times would eventually tear us apart.

All the bad times are worth it. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. Go forth and be happy dude

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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up." -Mitch Hedberg, '68-'05

Bauer's the man.

KellyC

Yeah, so far I'm pretty persistent as well. Her ex called me hard headed for not giving up, and so did she. While I can keep on going, she can't. And I'm afraid that it'll hurt her even more, and I don't want to that to happen. She losts 5 lbs because of me already, I don't want her to suffer like those 2 days ever again. I wanted to promise her that I will never hurt her again, but that's unrealistic and can't do it...

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

El Kaz

One of the most harmonious couple I know is two friends whom I presented to each other. The guy fell in love with the girl, and it really, really didn't work out at first. The guy kept on trying for about two months and when they got things worked out, their relationship got really happy.

So yeah, because of that experience, I'd say hell yeah, go for it.. tho i gotta wonder if that's the norm...

Anyway, I think what's important is to ask yourself.. could you live with the fact that you passed on a relationship because of lower moments and uncertainty? Personnaly, I wouldn't be able to.. all the questions would haunt me, like I'd keep wondering what would have happened if I pushed on.

Either way, that's a pretty rough dilemna you got there, I feel for you.

KellyC

Having miss the first time we were supposed to see each other had haunted me up until last night already, and it still do, somewhat. I often ponder what if we met sooner and started things sooner, it wouldn't be this screwed up. So the thought of passing up on this opportunity, I know for sure it'll bite me for a long time, perhaps even for the rest of my life. But I can't think for myself like this, I gotta think for her too. It's driving me crazy trying to come up with a solution that would not hurt her, while still wanting to be with her....

So I'm facing some issues here: Be with her, and try my damnest not to hurt her, I can't guarantee that it won't happen though. Or I stop it this night, and the curiosity of "what ifs" forever haunts me. And of course, there's also the idea of: if it didn't meant to be, then why force it? Why not end it from the beginning?

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Hirare

There are no guarantees in love. It's hard enough to keep yourself from getting hurt. Really you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel about her, what you want (which sound like a relationship), and that you want to make this work, but you can't guarantee that it will work or that she won't get hurt. Tell her that while you've had your issues in the past (and will probably have more in the future), the good aspects of the relationship out weight the bad. Then, see what she has to say about it. It's not going to be perfect all the time, but you need to decide what it is that you want and let her decide what it is she wants. If she decides that it's not worth it from her point of view that's fine.

KellyC

Ok, we're talking right now. And I told her I wanted to be with her, but the thoughts of hurting her is too much. I don't want her to be hurt, so I'm letting her making the decision....Now waiting for her answer.....

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

former newt

good luck man...i'm hoping you get the answer you're looking for...

KellyC

Ok...it's over...she decides to be friends..thanks for the advices and support guys...

Now can someone please help me get over a first love?

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

noodles

only one thing helps in your situation: time.

distance helps a lot too, but if you're serious about being friends, thats not likely. sooner or later you'll get over it and/or find someone else. it may take a day, it may take a year. hopefully its some comfort for you to know that everyone goes through it and it will get better eventually.

Vincentt

Friends… bleh

If you really love her, tell her that you cannot be friends. If she cannot feel for you, then you cannot talk to her. This sounds harsh, but listen. This friend thing is only going to hurt you. You cannot be ‘just friends’ with someone you love. It will always get in the way, and will not let you to move on. Moreover, you do not want to hear her complain about her ‘ass boyfriend’ etc. How exactly are you ‘screwing up’? This whole thing sounds very fickle to me. If each time you disagree about something, she changes her mind and wants to be friends it’s better for you to find someone else anyway. Anyway, go after her, or move on. Don’t get stuck in limbo and waste time.

Prince

Friendship works best with people you don't want to fuck.

With that out of the way, while I sympathize with your situation as I experienced pretty much the same, I can't help but feel that your biggest fuck-up was to let her slip through your fingers.

So it might not have worked out. Most first loves don't. Not seeing what can happen because you're afraid of hurting her is understandable, but often also a weak excuse for being too chicken shit to go for what you want. Perhaps you are too afraid of losing her, of things not working out in the end, so you'd rather live with "what could have been".

You weren't specific to any extent about what those instances were about when you "fucked up". You seemed to do it fairly often...which makes me think that it was either something minor that she blew out of proportion and you took the blame for, OR you threw emotional fits about her past lovers, or her being more experienced than you, or something you cooked up about your concerns and worries. And then again I could be dead wrong, what do I know.

A friendly tip: If a girl/woman wants you to make a decision, and you throw the same ball back at them, they're not going to make their decision based solely on what they want. You exhibited undecisiveness, uncertainty, and lack of faith both in yourself and her, as well as your entirely relationship.

I knew a girl, started online. We'd be on/off, fight a lot because things got so intense and there was the physical distance and whatnot. Sometimes it felt like too much to handle, and that with me she'd only get burned. It was 1 step forward, 2 steps back, all the time. It was heavy...lost my virginity with her, all that good stuff. So eventually she wanted me to make a decision about where we were gonna take things. I was living in Europe, making trips to the States, which is where she was living...we could not go on carrying on things the way they were.

And so I did. We've been married for almost two years. And my balls ain't any bigger than yours.

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Who is John Galt?

KellyC

You're right that I'm the biggest fuck up. But it's not what you described though, Prince. Her Exes(?) seems pretty cool. I talked to one of them and he seems really nice. He's still in love with her though, so it's kinda awkward to talk to him sometimes.....Any way, my fuck ups are mostly me misreading her and then say some stupid shit that upsets her. And she's a very emotional girl...hence the crying...

What you guys say make a lot of sense. I will keep that in mind. Thank you.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

PDOUBLEOP

No offense but she sounds like a drama queen to me. I couldn't stand all of the guilt trips if I were you. You're probably better off without her.

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ef you-you effing ef

theburner

I echo your sentiments PDOUBLEOP 100%. This girl is telling you that she stopped eating, fainted, and lost 5 pounds over an ARGUEMENT? And you weren't even dating at the time? Dude. This girl is 100% a drama queen and will more than likely mess with your noggin. She holds all the cards. She knows that you love her, and she doesn't reciprocate.
Best thing you can do is forget about her. Ride the town "bike" if you have to, but get her out of your head. Her memories, and memories of "what could have been" will eat at hour brain like cancer. RUN.

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Take Off Eh!

KellyC

To clarify, her ex told me she cried and lost 5 lbs (yelled at me because of that, too). And it's not really an argument per se, I can't put it any better than a misunderstanding. Oh, and from what I hear from her ex, too, she loves me a lot. It was me who didn't return the love (because I misread her) so that's why she cried....Any way, I'm trying to forget right now, but it seems like the more I try to forget, the more I think about her. It's damn near impossible to not think about her every moment.....I hope time is the remedy for this love sickness...

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

monkeysugar

Just because something doesn't work right now doesn't mean it will never work. It's your choice, but if you care for this girl, I'd suggest just going with the flow and see where the current takes you. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with playing the field a bit. Being committed to someone can be the best feeling in the world if it is mutual. If it isn't, then it can be about the worst feeling in the world. With that in mind, I leave you with this bit of insight from someone who used to be in your situation....a LOT. If you focus on one thing, and one thing only, you miss a lot of things along the way. If you keep your eyes open while going towards a particular goal, you often come across better options. Take it easy, have some fun, and know that eventually things will work out for you. It is very easy to get caught up with the *idea* of someone, rather than the person themself.

As they say, time heals all things. You'll be over it and wondering what the hell you saw in her in the first place in no time

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

Captain Nemo

Dude, you're young, there will be plenty more women in your life. Go find them. Oh, and for the record, her having three previous boyfriends does not make her "experienced" in the least. Move on, you'll find someone, it is a big world out there.

zen_tom

Stop your worrying and get on with it! She sounds like a nice girl, you sound like a good guy - there is never a 'good' or 'bad' time to start a relationship.

It reminds me of an old sailor's saying:
"If you wait for perfect weather, you'll never get in the boat."

So quit worrying about making things just so - none of that matters in the slightest and is no more than an excuse for you to not do something daring and exciting.

Dale Kemp

The best thing you could do is tell her that you know you'll be deployed for awhile, and you would so like to ask her to wait for you, but that would be selfish and not right for her. So you are just going to ask her to not forget you while you're gone, and then when you get back you can start over and see what happens. Meanwhile, you'll e-mail and hope that she'll e-mail back. You wish her well.

See that way you're being unselfish, and trusting and all that, but still telling her how strongly you feel attracted to her and would like to have a relationship with her. She'll feel really good about you if you do this, I don't want to be selfish, thing.

Good luck, mate. Age differences are hard, as are racial, cultural and other differences. When a woman is much older than her guy, she feels she's cradle robbing, and that she could do better, just like a guy feels when he's with a much older woman. Some beautiful people get past that, but not many. So good luck.

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Trueheart

sandinista

time isn't a remedy. but there comes a time when, for lack of better words, as Andre 3000 said - you need to "take off your cool". Just go for her. No looking back. Don't be reckless though - you can get her, it seems, and quite easily. Just don't reserve yourself. It makes you feel better in the end.

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"Nature herself makes the wise man rich."
-Cicero

Aladdin Sane

Dude, what's the problem? What do you guys fight about? Be specific.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Spicy McHaggis

Whoa dude... you're lucky you got out when you did! She is a TOTAL PSYCHO!!

No one who is sane gets THAT freaked out by you just saying something she doesn't like. She sounds like a total drama queen who needs constant attention from guys and needs to control them by manipulating their emotions.

You weren't "in love". You liked the attention she gave you and the way she would control you made you feel special. Any relationship done over the internet is not "real". It's easy to talk about personal things when you IM and doesn't have the same emotional depth as an in-person conversation. If you talked that long in person it would mean something... over a computer doesn't count as much.

No one who loves you would make you watch everything you say and make you walk on egg shells whenever you're around her. You should be able to be yourself and not devote all your energy into making HER happy.

Karkaboosh1

age is a big thing for women.

KellyC

I went to see her again last night. Let's just say the problem is solved now and I'm very happy with the result.

Again, thanks for the comments. I appreciate that very much.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Ganguro

Hopefully you will get over being "in love" with her in time.. and please for the love of god.. DONT KISS OR SCREW AROUND WITH THIS GIRL EVER AGAIN.
It's pretty obvious that she is crazy. The more you give her any glimmer of hope that you can be more than friends you are stringing both of you guys along for a long-drawnout-soulsucking ride. From someone who has been down the exact route you are going down now, take my word for it.

little_tippler

So did you get back together? Sounds to me you are both confused. What you haven't said is exactly why you start arguing. An exampl would be good, that way we could understand the circumstances better and perhaps help you work around that. Sometimes all it takes is a little more patience on both sides. Maybe when you're about to pick on something or start an argument, you should think, I love her more than I want to argue and be right. Merry Christmas, hope everything works out!

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Spicy McHaggis

Run away! She is just using you for attention! There are plenty of other non-psycho chicks out there.