onetime2

Well, maybe not THE end but it may be more the end than a new beginning. 7 years and 1 day after meeting and 1 day short of 1 year after getting engaged, we are now officially on a "break". I guess it's been a while in coming. We've been through a lot. We've weathered serious health issues (she underwent brain surgery about a year and a half ago), old emotional scars we worked together to heal (mine and her parents' dysfunctional relationships, emotional abuse from her ex-boyfriends and her family, sexual abuse from a stranger and an ex-boyfriend), joblessness, and countless other issues we made it through. In the end I just couldn't handle the lack of support in other areas. Everything (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of pets, maintaining the house, laundry, etc) fell on to me no matter how many hours I also had to work. I knew we couldn't go on like this. Asked (hell, almost begged) for help with those things for the last 5 years and would get a little effort followed by a return to me taking care of everything.

I love her and she loves me but you just can't have a healthy relationship when one person shoulders 99.9% of the burden. She's now staying with some friends. It will be the first time (other than occasional business trips) in 5+ years that we didn't spend the night in the same bed.

Just had to tell someone about it. Until it's definitely over I don't want to share it with my family or local friends.

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teflonian

Best of luck onetime2! Sounds like you made a wise decision.

f6twister

I applaud your efforts to work things out rather than give up at the first sign of difficulty. It appears through everything you both have been through that at the very least, you are able to talk about your problems. After a short break, get together and have a very long and in-depth talk. If, after this discussion, you can't find enough common ground to rebuild your relationship, agree to end the relationship and take some time off. It just may be that while you both love each other, you just may not be compatible.

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StormBerlin

That must be hard. I admire your maturity to do something about it and not just go with the flow just because that's what you've been doin for seven years.

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maleficent

Good luck to you. IT couldn't have been an easy decision, but it was the right one for you. Sometimes, when a person is a "victim" of something, it's easier to stay the victim rather than try to get past it and get on with a healthier life.

Ihope it works out for both of you, and that you each can find what you are need.

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jaded

it is definitely unfair to ask you to shoulder nearly all the household chores, yet everyone contributes to a relationship differently -- she might just have her own ways. maybe she just wants to be taken care of? or she is just lazy? i know these are no excuses, but all i want to say is do talk to her again in depth and listen to what she has to say before you guys decide to go separate ways. that way at least you know you have made all the efforts you can for yourself, for her, and for the past seven years. good luck to you!

doncalypso

You are a better and more patient man than I am... There's no way I could have endured such hell for so long even if I loved a woman as much as you love yours.

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xxSquirtxx

That is sad, but I can understand the stress. I hope everything works out for the best for you both.

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adam

Sounds like y'all need to spend some time apart. Are there mitigating factors that explain why she didn't hold up her end? (e.g., depression?) Or do you think she was trying to take advantage of you? Or...

Anyhow, I wish you both the best of luck.

onetime2

There are definitely mitigating factors. She has had depression in the past and there has been a lot of stress at times but it certainly wasn't a constant thing. She (and I) have been through a lot both together and in our separate lives and really thought we were through the worst of it.

FWIW, I listed mostly menial things that in and of themselves don't mean much. Sure, not helping out with everyday chores sucks but it went beyond that when it was obvious (both unmissable by observation and my point blank statements that I can not continue to do everything) that I was being hurt by her lack of help in the situation. I guess I've been putting some distance between us lately because of it. She was being very uncaring in her actions and words lately with obvious bitterness behind them. Perhaps she was picking up on my growing unhappiness, but I put it on the fact that she had a follow up doctor's appointment to insure there was no recurrence in the tumor and she was really nervous about it (no doubt that was a part of it but not all of it). The doctor's appointment came and went (all good news) and the attitude remained.

I don't believe she was trying to take advantage of me, I think she just doesn't know how to act in a "normal" relationship. She's made very bad choices in the past from gang members to abusers with a couple of decent guys thrown in.

At this point it just seems that our paths haven't crossed correctly. Maybe we will still work it out (I really hope that's the case) but maybe not. She may just need to be on her own for a while to know and care about herself enough to be able to know and care about someone else in a relationship. Hope that doesn't come across as harsh, but I think that's what it's all about. I have no doubt she will make an excellent mother and wife, I just hope that she continues on the path she's gotten on in the last few years even if we break up.

She's accomplished more than I think she ever thought she could in the last few years. Hopefully that will continue and she'll achieve everything I know she's capable of.

Thanks all for listening and offering advice it is much appreciated.

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Bauh4us

I admire the fact that you were "man enough" to protest the lack of help. I am in a long term relationship myself (going on 8 years now) and the one thing I learned is that there is A LOT of give and take in this thing. If all she is interested in doing is taking then I think you both need this break to re-evaluate the mechanics of your relationship. Don't look at this as an all negative thing, it could be just what your relationship needed.

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Stompy

Freeloaders are the worst. What makes it worse is when it's accompanied by the, "oh but we get along oh so well" scenario.

But in the end, they don't contribute much to the relationship and generally at that point it's time to move on with life! Mental baggage doesn't help things either. It's pretty much impossible to carry on a normal functional relationship with someone when they can't even get past the personal issues.

Congrats in your new freedom! It sucks to end a relationship if you're attached to the person, but you now have a clean slate and no worries.

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snowy

Relationships have to be two-way streets of giving, taking and sharing in order to truly work. I say this not because I have any sort of experience, but because I have watched my parents for the last 23 years. They've been through a lot of the same stuff you described--health problems (my mother and father both), financial difficulties, and mental health problems related to past abuse (my mother's 2nd husband was a tool). But because they have the ability to give, take and share so well they've been able to make it work. I see how hard it is on my mother when she gives too much (like when my dad has to work long hours), and I see how hard it is on my father when he gives too much (like when he has to try and understand my mother's 5000 neuroses). But they're always able to return to moderation, which is what keeps their relationship healthy.

I wish you the best of luck in deciding what is best for you. You need to do what makes you happy in the long run. Sometimes acknowledging that fact and making the decision to support it is very hard. Just know that there are always people here willing to listen.

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bad jane

heh, sounds like my former marriage only "she" was a "he" and we got married after 6 years instead of 7.

i applaud you for being able to take a look at the relationship to see you aren't getting all your needs met. and big cookie for you on wishing her the best no matter how it turns out.

maybe a break will shine a new light on things for her, maybe not. either way, better to address these issues now than after you are married.

onetime2

She came by last night to grab some clothes and we talked some more. Tough scene. Despite my knowing we need this, I guess I still held out that little bit of hope that it would only take a day or two for us to realize we wanted to be together more than we needed to be apart. Obviously there's not going to be a reconciliation anytime soon.

Very sad day but some good breakthroughs during our conversation. She's become a lot stronger than when we first met and I'm so proud of her for that. She was able to firmly say that she needs to be happy with herself and learn to take care of herself. Her exact statement was "I need to figure myself out and I can't do that here." So true but so hard to hear.

I'm happy she doesn't plan to move back with her parents. They would make her life miserable. They would put this break up entirely on her and belittle her for it. Thankfully she recognizes she can never go back there to live. She also says she will never go back to her abusive ex so that's a relief as well.

We're still not really broken up but we're not really together either. Maybe that will change but it seems to be the right thing for now. I'm sure we'll have lots to discuss with our therapist in a couple of weeks. Yep, we've been in couples counseling for most of our relationship. We had so much stuff to work through that we needed it and I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have made it this far without it.

Not sure I'd want to bet on us surviving this break but still holding out hope. Just woke up a little while ago with the realization that it's more likely we'll be apart than together in a year. Oh well, sometimes you've got to take your hands off the wheel and see if you're still tracking straight.

Thanks again for all the support and advice. It's nice to get some positive reinforcement.

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Grumbling*Girl

Wow this is pretty bizarre to read. I have a similar situation, if you don't mind me pouring my heart out as well (?)
We've been together 15 years, lived together for thirteen and married for 8.
We virtually grew up together, just kids in highschool when we started dating.
The 2 major differences in your & my situations are that it's my husband that has the role of your wife, and there are no brain tumours or other health issues in our case. But I absolutely associate with every issue you've tried to overcome, from dealing with family trauma to the tug of war within the relationship for balance and sharing responsibilities.
My hardest period has been the last 3 years. Our initmacy went into the toilet and I cried myself to sleep regularly, feeling unloved and unworthy. I asked why he wasn't interested and was told my weight ( note : I know I'm not a monster, I modeled in my 20s (31 now) During this imposed abstinence I was 5'8 and 160lbs .... I'm now down to 135.....160 is hardly obese at my height). He wouldn't see a doctor or counsellor, swore he still loved me and was faithful, said he felt awful telling me this but that it was solely my weight. I was freakin crushed. I waited almost 2 years, but became anxious, suspecting and worried about where his attentions were going. Then last fall things improved in our intimacy but fell apart in other areas. I started to feel resentful, angry that he could just write me off like that for so long with what I felt was a shitty explanation. My trust started to feel shaky. I started to make lists in my head of what I had put into this and he hadn't : doing all the chores, bringing him a cold beer while he sat on the computer, all the times I said it was okay that he never bought me birthday or Xmas presents, it's all so not okay. It's digressed all year, he dove into his game more and more (MMORPG) which has caused further trust issues. Our time now consists of fighting, insulting each other, crying, leaving, coming back and talking.
We're both growing weary of these unresolved issues.
In the last 2 weeks he's made a great effort to buy groceries, do laundry and play his computer game less. He feels like he's doing his part, but is still being persecuted, smothered and investigated by me. Guilty as charged, I am no angel here either. I feel like what he's doing now won't last, I have great difficulty believing in him and as terrible as it sounds I feel owed. Owed an apology for hanging me out to dry, for taking me and our marriage for granted and owed time, because I'm sceptical this effort will last.
I know, great attitude.... I know. I'm having a hard time playing Pollyanna.
I just started going to a MC (marriage counsellor) last week, and he finally said he would go with me to the next one which is a big step for him. He's asked me to leave meanwhile, but I dunno....

I truly believe a marriage takes open and honest communication, dedicating time & attention to your partner, trust through accountability and a willingness to compromise.

I wish you healing in your relationship OneTime2...
just know you aren't alone, welcome change into your life and concentrate on whatever is going right (note to self....)

onetime2

Sorry to hear about your situation. I know the feelings all too well.

Glad to hear you're moving into the marriage counseling thing. I was never a big believer in them but have certainly changed my opinion. It's not that I don't come to the same conclusions as the marriage counselor, and that was my biggest hang up since I could identify the problems and knew how to fix them but it coming from an impartial person is incredibly helpful and she's been great in making us think about certain things that we probably wouldn't have without her.

Thanks for sharing. It's definitely nice to know I'm not alone in it (but sure wish no one at all was going through it). Whatever happens, it's important to take the best of it and leave the rest behind. No sense in carrying baggage the rest of your life. It's just not worth it. Get it all out, let the chips fall where they may, and if necessary move on and heal.

Take care.

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filtherton

I'm pretty sure any advice i can give would be of little help, so all i can really say is that i feel for you. Keep your head up.

onetime2

Thanks, the support is much appreciated.

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p0thead

wow that really sucks to hear... and i kinda went through the same thing... except my relationship was only 4 years, so i can only imagine how hard it is for you.

just try to hang around friends and get a hobby so you dont sulk all day. it could be something like reading all the comics (foxtrot, farside) you can find, you'll at least smile doing those things and it'll get your mind off all the negative issues.

Grumbling*Girl

Onetime2, just checking in to see if you have an update. Glad to see you've had some good discussions (same here; he's made some major changes already) Hope that you guys are making progress.

onetime2

It's been an up and down kind of thing but we seem to be pretty well on our way to complete healing. Long talks and some hurt feelings here and there but we've decided on a plan and I think it will all work out.

We got her an apartment with a six month lease. She's going to be on her own so she can have that experience and prove to herself that she's capable. She hopes to confront her parents about some of the ways they've treated her and this could be one of the supporting factors that give her the courage to do it. I'm all for that. But even if she doesn't go that route she will be better off for having been on her own for a while. The wedding is still planned for next October and we're almost completely back to the good relationship we had. In time I'm pretty confident we'll be back to the great relationship we've had for most of the 7 years.

Hope you're making progress as well. Working together is s hell of a lot better than working against each other!

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filtherton

Good to hear. I think it is generally better to get growth like this out of the way before you get married.

rockzilla

Onetime2, I know what you're going through right now. I can't really say much that hasn't already been said.
Take this time to figure out what you want and need out of a relationship and out of your life in general. It's easy to see that you still care about this girl, no matter what happens. Just make sure that you know what's best for you.