stonegrody

So I've been dating this girl for a couple of months now. She's incredibly cool and I dig her a lot. We have a lot in common and are very compatible in many ways. The one thing I have a problem with is the amount of baggage she has. She has a three year old daughter, an ex-husband that's still lingering around and she still lives with her parents.

I've never been in this type of situation before which is probably why I'm still with her trying to figure out if it could work or not. I'm 25 years old and was no where near ready to have kids. When I met her, I was so infatuated with her that I thought I could deal with all this but as time has passed, it has become more difficult. I think it's reaching a point where I need to decide whether or not I should stay with her. If I'm going to bail out, the sooner the better so it does not become super serious or painful even though it may be unavoidable since I haven't felt this way about anyone in a very long time.

What do you think? I'd love to hear from anyone with similar experiences, single moms or anyone who cares to share their opinion.

Thanks,
stonegrody

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Glory's Sun

I've been in the situation before. In fact the girl I was dating at the time had 2 kids not just one so you can imagine how the pressure was multiplied. I'd say that if you aren't able to care for the kid as you would your own then you should probably back down. I'm not saying take over as her father because you can't do that. What I'm saying is that if you can't devote the time, effort, or money to raising a child as well as have a relationship then get out of it. If you can deal with those issues and there's a true bond there, then by all means stay. If you can't deal with the issues then the stress that's created will only make things bad in the long run and could lead to the super serious or painful issues that you are hoping to avoid. Bottom line: we can't tell you what to do, you have to figure out how you feel and what you really want and go for it. Good luck to you!

maleficent

I dated a single dad for over a year... parents are still people, just be honest with her and yourself about where your priorities are.. She may not be looking for a new daddy for her child, don't take on that role.

depending on where you want this to go, is what kind of relationship you want with the child -- because they do come as a set, and kids get attached pretty quickly (I still hear from the daughter of the guy I dated, almost 8 years later.)

Sometimes babysitters do cancel, and the kidlet might join you - decide how you feel about that

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stonegrody

I appreciate the advice. Unfortunately, I think I know what I need to do. I'm not prepared to take responsibility for someone elses child. It has not come to a point where I need to make that decision but it will definitely be a bridge I'll have to cross in the future. We would both be better off if that decision was made earlier on.

I have spent some time with her daughter and she is a very cool kid. Her whole family has been very accepting of me which is very nice. It just makes it that much harder.

I was a bastard child that grew up with no family so it has been nice to get a sense of what 'family' feels like. I just hope that her daughter's father becomes man enough to take care of his responsibility. I know all too well what it feels like to grow up without a father and it breaks my heart to see it happen to such a sweet kid. I just don't think I could fill those shoes.

Of course things would be very different if she was my daughter. That would make things so much easier. I guess the fact that I have a choice in this matter is what makes this difficult.

Thanks again.

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Glory's Sun

you're not supposed to take the place of her father.. you can never do that. What you are supposed to do if you choose to stay in the relationship is love and nurture the child in the best way you know how. Good luck again and if you do decide to get out of the relationship just take the lessons you've learned and apply them in the next situation if there is one.

sushiboy

If you love the lady, then it shouldn't be too hard to accept the daughter. If you are having second thoughts about the relationship because of the daughter, get out and save everyone some heartache down the road.

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billwood

Like ben sataed here you dont take the rool of dad. I chose a wonderful women with three daughters.,two of them were in grade school.Well now the youngest is in collage and stell living at home.. I'd never regret for one moment the life Iv'e had with thees kids. I always made it clear that Iam there steep dad And they have there own dad.
Funny thing is now I even party with there dad now and then.
If you LOVE the women dont think of the child as badage. Good luck dud.

stonegrody

It helps to hear different perspectives on the issue. I know I could never take the father's place but if I decided to stay, I would do everything I can to make sure she is taken care of and would treat her like a daughter. Her real father is a deadbeat junkie and if it was up to me, he'd be out of the picture. It's not up to me so all I can do is stand aside and try to be supportive.

I'm at the crossroads right now. I have some thinking to do before I decide which way to go. Thanks for all the advice, it's been very helpful.

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combatmedicjen

I found out hubby had a child on our first date, and it shocked the hell out of me! He thought he had told me beforehand -- oops I'd never dated anyone with a child before, but he was just such an amazing person that it didn't matter. I fell in love with my husband because of who he is, and his son is part of who he is. And when I got to meet his son, I fell for him, too His son's an amazing kid, and xepherys is an amazing dad.

Also, xeph is still friends with his ex, and probably will be for quite a while. Duh -- she's the mother of his child! Sort of a permanent connection there, hehe. I could've been jealous and seen his ex and son as "baggage" and ruined the best thing to ever happen to me, but I didn't. I'm very glad I didn't.

The point is, your girl's ex will ALWAYS be around, since he is the father of her child, but that will only be a problem for the two of you if YOU MAKE IT A PROBLEM. Same with her daughter. They are part of who she is, and will always be, so you can either accept her (and them) or view her as having "baggage" and ruin what could potentially be an amazing relationship with an "incredible" woman. Choice is yours, dude.

denim

I've avoided dating women with kids. Unfortunately, one on Match.com decided to lie on her form and we matched up. I didn't mind the age lie much, but the kid lie, well, I gave them a shot. Why not? Maybe it won't be as bad as I thought.

It was as bad as I thought. I think she had thought that I'd fall in love with her kids, but it doesn't work that way. At 14 and 15 yo, the two girls weren't adults, and couldn't be treated as such, so I couldn't handle them. Instead of learning to like them, I went the other direction, deciding that girls at that age still strike me as unplesant and irrational. The relationship went nowhere as a result.

More recently, I started playing volleyball. Some of the people who show up for the game are girls in that age range. I think the reason I get along with them is because I'm not trying to, ignoring them in favor of the adults between games. (shrug)

Anyway, the point is that only you can determine how this will work. And I suspect it depends on the kid(s) involved as well.

st33lr4t

"I'm not prepared to take responsibility for someone elses child."

how do you know she wants you to take any sort of responsibility? have you asked her? its only been a couple of months since youve been in her life.

"It has not come to a point where I need to make that decision but it will definitely be a bridge I'll have to cross in the future." ... "Of course things would be very different if she was my daughter."

so whats the problem here? you are obviously open to having children...just not right now. did she tell you she wants you to be more involved in her childs life? that bridge you speak of might not be so big down the road...when you are ready for children.

i really think you need to slow things down and speak with her.

scout

I married the first time at 24 to a lady that was 6 yrs my senior and she had two children. Although we are now divorced, I still have a wonderful rewarding relationship with the two kids and now there is two "grandkids" that I absolutely wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I can't always say I made the right decision or done the right thing but I can say I always had their best interest at heart. If you love the lady, don't worry so much about the kid, that's an overblown argument and the children usually take care of themselves for the most part anyway. They really don't cost much until it's time to pay for the college tuition and it can be very rewarding, particurly if the father is really as bad as you say he is.

ShaniFaye

My daughter had just turned 10 when Dave and I started dating. I am VERY fortunate that he had no hang ups about it. Her daddy is still very much still in the picture...considering that me and her and dave and her daddy and his g/f all live in the same house....I have never expected Dave to take on a roll as daddy....she has one....I expect her to respect Dave...as an adult and she does. She was concerned at first but once she understood Dave was not going to play daddy she was fine and the two of them of a great relationship.

You say this womans ex is still in the picture so I dont see where you need to automatically think that you need to take any "extra" responsibility other than respecting a mothers relationship with her child.

I am fortunate that Dave has never wanted children of his own, so he is perfectly willing to take on a step daughter...ahahaha even if she is almost a teenager.

For the sake of your girl you need to sort this out...its no fun for the mommy to deal with the fact that her guy doesnt want her just cause she has a kid...specially when you knew that when you started seeing her.

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tom12

haha if shes a mom your not only dating a hottie, your dating a MILF

high_jinx

i think you should avoid intimacy w/ any single mom regardless of the difficulty in holding back until you're really ready to settle down and have a family in every way. relationships just naturally deepen and evolve from spending time together and judging from the sentiments you've already expressed about this girl, you'd come to that crossroads well before you'd really be ready for all those responsibilities and priority changes that are attached. and i don't know what you're birth control situation is, but you have a historical indicator of what would happen if there was an accident in the form of a condom break or episode of pill amnesia. and after that you'd be on the hook for the next 20 years whether you or your life were ready or not.

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-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

Neptune

Speak to her about your feelings.
Tell her how much you dig her, but also broach the child issue.
If she's fine with you not being a father figure then I see no problem.

Holo

Edit: the post below assumes the sperm father doesn't want to be in the kid's life or the mother doesn't want him in her life. If he wants be a part of his daughter's life then things get even more complex, but I stand by your need to commit to both mother and daughter inthe face of a commitment.

/edit


I had the EXACT same situation @25 as you, to the letter. 3 yo daughter with awesome girl I was totally falling for who lived at home, everything. Understand this; If you two get serious she's gonna want to move in with you, which will put you in a fatherly position even if you don't accept the responsibility. You cannot just back off and let her handle everything about the child-it will eventually drive a wedge between you and keep you from getting closer. I mean, you go out to IHOP and the kid starts acting out while Mommy is at the breakfast bar, what are you going to do? It's pretty unavoidable to be a part of her life unless you keep it at arm's length and never commit/ move in together.


If you want a commitment, you will have to make a decision to take the child as a part of your mate and part of the relationship, and be willing to be a father to the child, unless she expressly doesn't want this. Talk with her and define the boundaries she wishes in your dealings with her daughter and if she wants you to be Daddy, or take this time to tell her you don't want to be. Since her kid is female you'll need to think of her also when getting little non-sexual gifts for your gf like flowers. BTW this also includes Valentine's Day. Woe to you if you don't bring her some chocolate too!!!!


Even if you don't want to be Daddy you will still be an adult authority figure in her life and you will have some impact on her, and she will look up to you and may een come to love you as children don't care about particulars when loving someone.


Once you all get a place you will have lots of real-world problems she currently doesn't have such as rent, car payments etc to handle all on her own. Not saying she's immature, just saying what I went thru. Romance cools off quick when you throw in finance and things get tight. If you think you don't want the Daddy job I would not enter into a commitment with this girl, but conversely if you do opt for the instant family undersand the impact breaking up the relationship will have on her daughter. It's a huge question, one I agonized over for a few weeks and several talks with my gf, and "test" interactions with the little girl who is now my daughter. I was a guy who hated kids (still do in many instances of shitty parents) and never wanted one. Now I like being in the relationship more to be a dad to my daughter than a lover to her mother. Good luck to you.

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I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

high_jinx

another thing to realize is that in any relationship without kids involved theres' a phase where you "come first" for someone. while it may sound a little selfish, this is a very delicious part of life to miss out on that will never happen w/ the pitterpatter around.there is just no avoiding the fact that the kids needs and sometimes just their wants will take precedence over any and all plans you have to spend time or considerations you need to work out your relationship. this is an appropriate sacrifice and makes sense for the kid but you have to ask yourself if you want to make it. imo theres not enough juice from the squeeze and i wouldn't put myself in that position.

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-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

World's King

I've done a lot of work with single mothers...

Helping them get their start...



READ THIS... NOW!!!

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

denim

Get their start in what, OK?

World's King

Being a single mother.

It was a joke.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

stonegrody

Thanks for all the great advice and for sharing all of your personal experiences. I have realized that my hang ups have come from fear of the unknown. I think I need to approach this with an open mind and take it day by day. We talked about the subject at hand this weekend and got it all out in the open. I expressed my thoughts and she expressed hers. Everything went really well and we have a good understanding of what we both want.

This post came out of bit of a "freak out" on my part. I suppose I was feeling overwhelemed by my assumptions and fearing the loss of my freedom, which is not the case at all. We are going to take it slowly and see how it goes. I do care for her a great deal and would definitely like to see our relationship progress. I understand that she and her daughter are a package deal and am prepared to accept them both if that's where this road leads.

I was glad to read that this sort of situation has turned in to a positive experience for some of you. I was actually expecting a lot of negative feedback but I was pleasantly surprised to read the supportive comments some of you made.

Thanks again!

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Rodney

Yeah, I started to date a single mom once. The kid wasn't really a problem, though I had a problem making out in the living room with the eight-year-old kid watching TV in the bedroom behind a thin door (the mom had no problem about it, though).

The problem wasn't the kid as much as the extended family. She had a couple of sisters who were also single Moms and so they all covered for each other with each other's kids and were all around all the time. I liked the woman, but the family sucked; they were doing a lot of things that I considered rip-offs but they considered business as usual. Since I couldn't separate the woman from her family, in the end I declined.