compression

My wife is not what you would call horny. In fact I dont think she even has a sex drive to speak of. Maybe its the birth control pills shes on, maybe its a low self image, or something else. As a male, I am always ready to go and often have to releive myself to keep from grinding my teeth out.
Anyway, We dont do it nearly enough and when we do, she often is like a sack of potatoes, just sitting there. She is pretty conservative when it comes to sex and stuff. We have experimented a little with a few tame stuff like toys, lubes, etc. but they always get put on the back shelf and collect dust.
How can I get her more excited about it and actually crave it? How do I get her more into it and energetic during the act? I have a friend who is a girl and she has do it once a day, or at least masturbate, I am jealous! She has a whole chest of fun things to play with. But she is just a friend of mine and I would never consider cheating on my wife. Thats just a way out for people who cant communicate with their spouses (as I am trying to do) and always leads to bad things.
I have tried the flowers, romantic evenings, etc, and it usually gets me some actions that night, sometimes not. How do I get her sex drive in full gear?
We have talked about videos, but she thinks most are too gross, at the stores she sees pictures of chicks with their A-holes gaping open juicy, and I agree it is sick. We have never seen one together, mayeb someone can recommend one? sort of a beginner video or something (but a little more than what is shown one HBO, etc).
Wheres the on switch, and how do I keep it from turning off?
thanks

BigWill

Try some woman-created porn. Candida Royalle directs videos that are designed to appeal more to women.

LondonsBurning

I don't know what to say honestly, but I'm glad your trying your best to keep communication open with her. She just may not be as openly exotic as other women, but I'm sure there's gotta be a way to keep here interests aroused.

As far as recommending a good beginner movie that won't go too hardcore, I think I have one on my hard drive. It goes into different positions like Kama sutra, and is hardcore, but not gaping anus hardcore. The name of the movie is called Sexual Positions for Lovers. Google it up, and see if maybe you can order it, or request it at your local adult store. Good luck, and keep trying and be patient.

bermuDa

why not try something like slightest touch or avlimil?

This sort of stuff is really only effective if she wants to loosen up in bed... if she's not into it then you have to keep those lines of communication open and hope she understand and wants to improve your love lives.

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maleficent

Was she like this before you got married? Were you a horndawg before you married?

Sexual compatibility is important, not everyone is sexually compatible, so if it was there before... What's changed?

You use the phrase.. "I don't think..." have you asked her what's up? Have you two sat down, fully clothed, and had a conversation about this, not accusing each other of anything, but stating how you feel.

It might be your conversational style, but it sounds like she's getting a lot of pressure from you, which , is a turn off, you will get exactly the opposite of what you are expecting.

What you have with your wife is a relationship, but you ask the question HOW CAN I get her to do what she doesnt do? -- So you want your wife to change... maybe be something she's not capable or willing...

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compression

because that stuff looks like gimicks. Maybe they work, maybe they dont, but I dont really know for sure, and dont want to drop $140 on an electric pad if it doesnt work.
Has anyone tried these? Any testimonials?

Any other video ideas that are geared for women? sexually conservative women?

Flyguy

MY wife's sex drive was pretty much nil since she was on birth control pills. Since she's been off them her sex drive is through the roof!

Mabye you need a different form of birth control.

compression

what do you use now?
I think she would be for that if we could find a safe alternative. She doesnt like the pills because she gets terrible headaches around menstration time.

Flyguy

Nothing. We're trying to have a kid. It's been a few months since she stopped taking them but she ain't knocked up yet. So I guess it takes a while before that stuff works its way out of her system. But anyway, there's condoms, IUD's (do they still have those?) the shot (if that's still out too it might not be) My wife kept pushing the male birthcontrol pill that's supposed to be in FDA trials right now. I would have used it too, but oh well.

compression

Maleficent,
Before we got married, we did do it often, not as often as some, but enough. What has changed is that we didnt have full time jobs and we were in college and away from our parents finally.
I dont come on to her very often, i dont want to push her, and she is not getting any pressure from me.
I cannot remember the last time she wanted to have sex enough to initiate it, that has never really happened (well maybe a couple times in the 7 years we have been together). I am just trying to get her motor started and keep it running for a while.
We have talked about it before and she was sympathetic and understood. But nothing really changed.

maleficent

There are alternatives to birth control pills, there are the shots, diaphrams, IUDs...

If her libido has changed, she should discuss this with her doctor for some changes.

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lurkette

Even though you've tried some things, clearly they haven't been the right things; and even though the pill can dampen libido, it sounds like she may not have been into sex all that much to start with. I am with whoever suggested talking to her about it - find out what turns her on, or if nothing does, why she isn't willing/eager to be turned on. If you make it clear that it's not just that you are horny and desperate, but that you want to share this with her and have her really enjoy sex as a part of your marriage, maybe she would be willing to open up a bit and share with you. Good luck!

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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raeanna74

Ah HAH. That's me all the way. My Dr change my pills to something with a very low estrogen dose. The change in estrogen level gave me migranes during menstration. She also put me on iron suppliments that I HAVE to take during mentration or I've seen that I get headaches. The lower estrogen dose with a higher progesterone dose seemed to really increase my libido. That along with hubby NOT pressuring me at all helped a lot. There were a couple times that he promised to just cuddle and touch me with no pressure for actual sex at all. That made me feel like being much more intimate in other ways. Definately have her find different pills. It will be worth it just for her to get rid of her headaches. I am on seasonale and love it. I only have to worry about headaches 4 times a year and since I know that my mild anemia and low blood pressure contribute to them I can take Iron suppliments and I have Maxalt to help with my migranes. The Maxalt actually works by raising blood pressure - mine it has raised up to 10 points top and bottom. But I need it and it works wonders.

Also what's her life like? She home alone with the kids 24/7. She work every day full time and then come home to a messy house? Work kills my libido faster than anything else. Worry too. If she's got a lot of pressure to perform at work, clean house, and take care of kids those things could be making her less interested in play.

I personally wouldn't worry about trying to find porn. If she's as conservative as you say she may feel guilty about viewing it and it wouldn't be much of a turn on.

Find ways of doing things with her now. Also TALK to her. LISTEN even more. Ask her questions when you're not in bed about what she likes to do. Be patient. As she opens up and finds a receptive caring audience she will just blossom. It will be worth you're while I'm sure.

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Mantus

Good advice raeanna74, espcially this:

Holo

This series of articles may shed some light.

http://blogs.salon.com/0002153/stori...roduction.html

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I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

Kazic

I would be willing to do this to avoid her being on the pill.

http://www.askmen.com/love/dzimmer_6...e_answers.html

seems very worth it.

__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
-Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Kazic

Oh yeah as for your problems with your wife. Sorry to hear that truly I am. Some people just loose and while others gain it. I have no real advice other than the sitting and talking. Maybe there is something she would like to try. Perhaps she has some fantasys she would like to tell you about that might get her more interested.

__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man
affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening
to repetitive electronic music."
-Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Janni

Have you sat down with her and talked about it yet? She might have a reason why she isn't ever in the mood. For example, low self esteem, like you already suggested. If this is the case (while you should be doing this anway), make sure she knows how sexy you find her. When I know my boyfriend is thinking I'm sexy, then I start to feel more sexy. Especially if he just says it out of the blue, when I'm not doing anything at all having to do with sex.. Like, just look at her while she's doing dishes or curled up on the couch next to you and be like, "Damn. You are so sexy."

If she can't seem to explain it, or thinks it's her birth control, then look into another form of birth control. Tell her to ask her doctor about it and he'll be able to recommend a different brand for her to try. You could also choose to use condoms (male or female condoms), or also look into the patch or the shot (I'm not sure if those will make a difference. I heard that they're coming out with a birth control shot for men too, but I'm not sure when that'll be available.

Romantic evenings are really nice, but make sure you give her a lot of foreplay too (again, making her feel sexy as you're doing so). All I have to do is touch my boyfriend's penis and he's ready to go.. women need more than that. And don't go straight for the kill either. Start by touching her body in places other than her breasts/vagina, teasing her and caressing her while leaving those areas until the end. Take your time and make sure she doesn't feel like you're getting bored or anything. Make sure she knows that you love pleasuring her and would do anything to make her feel good.

As for porn, I agree with what someone else said--to look for porn made by women.. she might also enjoy some softcore porn.

Maybe another thing you could do is ask her about her fantasies. My boyfriend and I talk about our fantasies all the time and we both find it arousing and a way to find out things that the other person would like to try or things they get aroused by. Maybe she has a fantasy that the two of you could act out.

Also, I know if I'm stressed, I'm usually not in the mood. So if she's stressed out, try to help relieve some of her stress (i.e. help out around the house more often with cleaning, taking care of the kids if you have any.. maybe give her a night for herself where she can go out with her girlfriends and get a massage or do some shopping just for fun).

Stompy

What exactly is "women created porn"?

Is it "I love you for who you are. You're so special to me." *dinner* *love making*?

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Blonddie

You have to make her feel sexy. The sexier she feels the more she will want to have sex. Compliment her alot...Does she want a new hairstyle or something?...If so next time she brings it up tell her to do it... Offer to buy her some new clothes...some sexy ones too. Sometimes we women can get in a rut..we don't feel pretty or desirable and thus don't want sex. You need to pull her out of this and help her feel better about herself then she will want you more too.
Good luck- once she opens up more she will be more willing to try new things too!

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analog

i'm not 100% sure what i did, but i turned a girl who was such a prude that the WORD sex offended her, let alone talking about it, to a sex-crazed cock-hungry nympho in 3 years. And yes, I think having sex 3-5 times DAILY with occasional blowjobs in between qualifies her.

It just takes time. Build up to it.

eyeronic

I agree with a great deal of what's been said. Definitely do what you can to make her feel sexy. Definitely talk to her and try to figure out what you can do. Lastly--make sure she's having orgasms. If she's not, you need to make that happen. Women are usually far more interested in sex if they know that they will have an orgasm every time. This may mean going down on her or whatever it is that works. It's your wife make her happy. Good luck. Sounds like you're on the right track with the communication.

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I hold with those that favor fire.

foscon

wow, that's my wife except she's not on the pill, we fight about it often.....when we dated it was pretty good, exciting actually. Now I'm lucky if its once a week, and it's nothing special.nothing i've tried has worked, except when other women show interest in me, now she's not a jealous type at all, but she has told me in the past that if it didnt effect her or the kids she didnt care if I got it elsewhere as long as I was responsable about it.....and didnt know about..I just havent fully went ahead with it yet...she acts like she's cutting of fingers to have sex..and she's only got two left.....I feel for ya....I geuss our relationship has turned bland

Squishor

I'm not sure how much help I can be with the sex drive thing overall since that's not really a problem with me, but a couple of thoughts come to mind:

I was on the pill for a while but it was the progestin-only pill. And I found that it made my sex drive go through the roof - to the point that it was a problem actually, since I was having trouble concentrating on my job during the day and stuff. My sister went on it and said the same thing happened to her too. So maybe that's an idea for you.

Also, if she has any sex drive at all she's probably fantasized or thought about things she'd like to do. I remember years ago I read a couple of books that listed hundreds of women's sexual fantasies, I think they were by Nancy Friday, My Secret Garden and another one. Maybe reading something like this would help get her back in touch with that side of herself. Good luck.

pinkie

I will not take the pill for this reason. They do take away your sex drive! Some women are more sensitive than others about this too. SSRIs will take away your sex drive also. Best of luck!

foscon

what I dont understand is the difference my wife has been through...used to when she drank alot of stuff would happen....strip poker....fooling around with friends.....showing her tits....and some other things that probally belongs in another forum.....but now she doesnt even like for me to see her naked....and I used to take pics of her.....

jordan_is_god

you mean women arent all nympho's that like it every hour of the day and love it nasty and dirty like in the pornos????... damn i gotta stop watchin so much porn on here

World's King

In fear of being rude all I'm gonna say is...


Send her to my house.

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tropple

ecstasy and roofies.

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+++++++++++Boom!

vinmag7

nothing you can do? they either love it or they don't

la petite moi

You know, I don't mean to assume, but are you sure you're giving her orgasms? When nwlinkvxd couldn't give me orgasms, sex was kinda like a task (don't get me wrong though, I like that intimacy). Now that he can, I am totally ready for sex. However, another thing that really gets my sex drive down is stress. If you're not sensitive to your wife's stress, that might TOTALLY turn her off. I'm sure you've tried this, but in case you haven't- if she starts complaining about her day, give her a massage and try to escalate from there.

I'm not sure if this helps...but anyway...good luck.

mb99usa

compression - my wife and I are going through a very similar situation. She talked to her Dr. about it and was told she has not yet reached her sexual peak (she's 27) so that we have nothign to worry about but also suggested trying Avlimil which some of her other patients had success with. We started on that and my wife has definitely begun to open up a bit more. Less pressure from me has also helped.

The one thing different I noticed between our situations was my wife very much enjoys sex. Her problem is getting started.

Does your wife enjoy sex? Not trying to be rude, just might help in finding the root of the problem.

Have you thought about seeing a professional counselor together or independently?

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janech

Try to suggest to her pills that increase woman's libido. I have been taking Sentia pills and don’t remember a longer pause than a few days when I didn’t make love with my bf.

Blackthorn

I agree with Mal on this one. Instead of asking us "How can I..." you should talk to your wife.

One side note -- you could win the lottery. Cash is a good aphrodisiac for women

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What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

jillian

a few years ago when i was on the pill i had no sex drive whatsoever... i just was never in the mood and when i did have sex it just wasnt that pleasurable... i stopped taking the pill about 3 or 4 years ago and slowly i developed one heck of a sex drive.... pretty much a nympho.... now whether it was because of the pill or the fact that im older and reaching my sexual peak or it could be the fact im no longer a highschool girl having sex in the back of cars with 2 pump chump highschool boys and have graduated to guys that know what they are doing... for the most part... or it could be a combination of all of the above.. whatever it is my sex hasnt been better and i cant get enough... unfortunatly im not getting any right now.. so being a nympho has its disadvantages too...i get slightly irriatble when i dont get any so becareful what u wish for

monica

I think you've had a lot of good advice here.

Something else.. instead of porno, which she seems to dislike... why not try erotic books? Women tend to get off with their minds. If you can light up her fantasies and get her mind going, the sex drive might kick in.

I think talking to her is the single most important thing you can do. Is she willing to try and increase her sex drive? If she is, then you're on the right path. If she isn't, you've got a difficult problem to deal with.

Self esteem is hard, but you can help her a lot in that department. Tell her how sexy she is, tell her what you love about her... tell her that she looks good.. tell her how much you love her eyes.. her ass.. her lips...

And work hard not to put pressure on her. If you try to get sex everytime you compliment her, it's not going to work.

If it's the pill, she can definitely get help from the doctor with that one.

And, like someone else mentioned, if she's under thirty, and she hasn't hit her peak yet, you may have some really awesome times ahead.

Then of course, look into the orgasms. If she isn't having orgasms, or not having them enough, sex becomes like work with no pay.

Maybe you need to set up some nights where you promise just to focus on her, no strings attached.. and give her a nice massage.. a candle lit bath maybe... some butterfly kisses down her back etc.. then an erotic massage with oil