I need some help :( - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

hossified · 07-15-2004, 09:53 AM

wow...did I ever get the bomb dropped on me. Here it is:

I've been seeing my gf for 4 years now...since university and now we both work fulltime. Well my gf is a teacher and she just gave up her apartment (we were living in separate apartments 20 mins away from each other).....cause it was expensive and cause she was going home to her parents house for the summer....which is 6 1/2 hours away. Now for about 6 months we've been talking about getting a place together....but had to wait till the end of the summer to see where she would be teaching. Well she found out she is teaching at the same place....but now told me last night she is unsure whether or not we should get a place together. We've had our little problems....mostly us not spending alot of time together and having different friends/interests.....we really don't have any mutual friends other than those from univeristy. She's a grade 6 teacher and I'm a businessman. So now what......she doesn't want to break up but is kinda confused to what she wants. She tells me that she wants to be married in 4 years....and I told her I honestly don't know if I will want to be married in 4 years.....cripes we're only 26. What to do now though....all I can think about is how she is unsure on our planned living arrangements.....and it's hard to figure anything serious out over the phone. She wants to just keep cahtting though like normal....and let me know what she decides. I can't get over this though....and don't think I will until I get an answer.......

what a shitty day.

bookerV · 07-15-2004, 10:12 AM

Wow that is rough. I can really sympathize. Nothing is worse than having all these plans and being all excited and then to have the other person suddenly change them and say they aren't sure what they want anymore... I think if you feel like it is something you need to discuss with her then you two need to figure out a way to really communicate about this issue and figure out where you are at with this relationship.

This whole marriage in 4 years thing is a bit iffy to me. I don't understand why there has to be a timeframe on it. The fact that she says she wants to be married in 4 years but isn't sure that she wants to live with you is a warning flag to me. I don't know, I would just try and talk this out with her.

I hate the feeling of being in relationship limbo. I like to know whats going on. I want to know one way or another what is going on. If it's not working the person needs to know so they can begin to move on, if there are problems but you want to work them out then talk about it and get to working on them, if everything is going great and you want to progress you need to talk about that too. I think you just need to communicate and really have a good chat with her. Go see her for the weekend if you have to. Figure out why she is having these doubts and address them.

I really hope you can work things out with this girl. You two have been together for a long time. I hope it turns out well for you. Good luck...

balefire88 · 07-15-2004, 10:17 AM

moving in seems like a big step...you see a lot of the person, day in and day out, and it prolly will either make or break a relationship pretty definitively..so, it might be she's worried that moving in will mess up what you already have..

she hasn't said no...i know uncertainity abuot her answer sucks, espeicaly in a long relationship..but if u pressure her a lot, she might either not wanna do it at all, or she might feel like she was forced into it...let her know that it is a serious issue, and u wanan discuss it as a couple, not just wait for her to decide whenever..

just my thoughts on it, i've got a friend going through a similar situation trying to move in with her bf, but i haven't been it myself...

good luck..

st33lr4t · 07-15-2004, 10:25 AM

seems to me like she is unsure about the relationship. moving in together is a pretty big commitment that i guess she is having a hard time dealing with since you do not have a lot in common and some issues to work out. her still acting like nothing is wrong on the phone seems to be the confort side of things taking over until she can make up here mind about this difficult decission.

i would definately sit down with her and have a nice long talk about where your relationship is headed.

Rand007 · 07-15-2004, 10:53 AM

Maybe to her moving in together is as big of a decision as marriage is for you. Maybe she's thinking that if you're not willing to entertain marriage that it's not in her best interest to move in with you and commit so much of her life to you. Does she want to have kids someday? If so, most people start feeling like that needs to start happening before or around 30. Since your don't want to be married by the time you're 30 and if she wants to have childern she maybe wondering if you two should take that next step in your relationship by moving in together. Like the others said I would talk to her and figure out what she wants for the future, what are her hopes and dreams, etc.

hossified · 07-15-2004, 11:48 AM

well I know she wants to be married by the time she is 30...and than prolly children a couple years after. For me....I don't have time limits on stuff like that .... but it could be because I am a guy. I can seriously say though that I don't know if I want to marry her.....and am not a huge fan of marriage since pretty much all my blood relatives have been divorced at least once. I agree that the moving in is the make it or break it of the realtionship.....and I want to know after 4 years.....but she seems like she doesn't want to yet.....in order to try and fix things??? I just don't know how you fix things.....when we will be apart (like we have been already for 4 years). Am I wrong in thinking that if this doesn't happen....we might as well break up...cause it's just keeping us at a stand still instead of moving us forward....???

I mean I take offense to it even though it wasn't meant that way...but I mean if after this amount of time....she doesn't want to move in.....what the hell is the point?? And she contradicts herself saying she could see herself marrying me in 4 years??? I dunno folks....I'm thinking about just turning gay.......haha (jk)

st33lr4t · 07-15-2004, 12:03 PM

i dont think your wrong in feeling the way you are. i also wouldnt take offense to her uncertainty but i would want to know why she is feeling the way she is. you really need to talk this out with her.

bookerV · 07-15-2004, 12:22 PM

I really think you need to talk to her about the issues as to why she doesn't want to take this step. Find out what the problems are and address them directly. It seems to me that not wanting to move in is definitely a sign that there is something that is holding her back. I mean after 4 years, and you have already talked about it before. I would definitely take offense to it myself. I can totally understand why you would see this as a make or break situation, because I would too. If you are ready to move forward, and for some reason there are issues that are making her not want that, you need to figure out what they are and see if you can work past them or not. I would suggest being active and having a serious talk with her. You need to do whatever will make you both happy, and hopefully that means you can take the relationship forward, if not, then you need to seriously consider your options...

Kazic · 07-15-2004, 08:12 PM

I can see your dilemma. First off for you to have doubts about marriage is probably making her think that maybe she is shaking up with the wrong guy for her.
And your fears about marriage maybe valid. With a 50% divorce rate in Canada you want to make sure you are doing the right thing.

When you have doubts they are tough to dispell if you guys are willing to talk them out openly. It may hurt but it may hurt alot more if you don't

07-15-2004, 09:53 AM	#1 (permalink)
hossified face f$cker Location: canada	I need some help :( wow...did I ever get the bomb dropped on me. Here it is: I've been seeing my gf for 4 years now...since university and now we both work fulltime. Well my gf is a teacher and she just gave up her apartment (we were living in separate apartments 20 mins away from each other).....cause it was expensive and cause she was going home to her parents house for the summer....which is 6 1/2 hours away. Now for about 6 months we've been talking about getting a place together....but had to wait till the end of the summer to see where she would be teaching. Well she found out she is teaching at the same place....but now told me last night she is unsure whether or not we should get a place together. We've had our little problems....mostly us not spending alot of time together and having different friends/interests.....we really don't have any mutual friends other than those from univeristy. She's a grade 6 teacher and I'm a businessman. So now what......she doesn't want to break up but is kinda confused to what she wants. She tells me that she wants to be married in 4 years....and I told her I honestly don't know if I will want to be married in 4 years.....cripes we're only 26. What to do now though....all I can think about is how she is unsure on our planned living arrangements.....and it's hard to figure anything serious out over the phone. She wants to just keep cahtting though like normal....and let me know what she decides. I can't get over this though....and don't think I will until I get an answer....... what a shitty day.

07-15-2004, 10:12 AM	#2 (permalink)
bookerV Addict Location: Ontario, Canada	Wow that is rough. I can really sympathize. Nothing is worse than having all these plans and being all excited and then to have the other person suddenly change them and say they aren't sure what they want anymore... I think if you feel like it is something you need to discuss with her then you two need to figure out a way to really communicate about this issue and figure out where you are at with this relationship. This whole marriage in 4 years thing is a bit iffy to me. I don't understand why there has to be a timeframe on it. The fact that she says she wants to be married in 4 years but isn't sure that she wants to live with you is a warning flag to me. I don't know, I would just try and talk this out with her. I hate the feeling of being in relationship limbo. I like to know whats going on. I want to know one way or another what is going on. If it's not working the person needs to know so they can begin to move on, if there are problems but you want to work them out then talk about it and get to working on them, if everything is going great and you want to progress you need to talk about that too. I think you just need to communicate and really have a good chat with her. Go see her for the weekend if you have to. Figure out why she is having these doubts and address them. I really hope you can work things out with this girl. You two have been together for a long time. I hope it turns out well for you. Good luck... __________________ "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." Lionel Hutz

07-15-2004, 10:53 AM	#5 (permalink)
Rand007 Upright Location: Oklahoma City	Maybe to her moving in together is as big of a decision as marriage is for you. Maybe she's thinking that if you're not willing to entertain marriage that it's not in her best interest to move in with you and commit so much of her life to you. Does she want to have kids someday? If so, most people start feeling like that needs to start happening before or around 30. Since your don't want to be married by the time you're 30 and if she wants to have childern she maybe wondering if you two should take that next step in your relationship by moving in together. Like the others said I would talk to her and figure out what she wants for the future, what are her hopes and dreams, etc. __________________ Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity. -Unknown

07-15-2004, 12:22 PM	#8 (permalink)
bookerV Addict Location: Ontario, Canada	I really think you need to talk to her about the issues as to why she doesn't want to take this step. Find out what the problems are and address them directly. It seems to me that not wanting to move in is definitely a sign that there is something that is holding her back. I mean after 4 years, and you have already talked about it before. I would definitely take offense to it myself. I can totally understand why you would see this as a make or break situation, because I would too. If you are ready to move forward, and for some reason there are issues that are making her not want that, you need to figure out what they are and see if you can work past them or not. I would suggest being active and having a serious talk with her. You need to do whatever will make you both happy, and hopefully that means you can take the relationship forward, if not, then you need to seriously consider your options... __________________ "That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy." Lionel Hutz

07-15-2004, 08:12 PM	#9 (permalink)
Kazic Psycho Location: Fortress of Solitude	I can see your dilemma. First off for you to have doubts about marriage is probably making her think that maybe she is shaking up with the wrong guy for her. And your fears about marriage maybe valid. With a 50% divorce rate in Canada you want to make sure you are doing the right thing. When you have doubts they are tough to dispell if you guys are willing to talk them out openly. It may hurt but it may hurt alot more if you don't __________________ "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

07-15-2004, 10:17 AM	#3 (permalink)
balefire88 Tilted	moving in seems like a big step...you see a lot of the person, day in and day out, and it prolly will either make or break a relationship pretty definitively..so, it might be she's worried that moving in will mess up what you already have.. she hasn't said no...i know uncertainity abuot her answer sucks, espeicaly in a long relationship..but if u pressure her a lot, she might either not wanna do it at all, or she might feel like she was forced into it...let her know that it is a serious issue, and u wanan discuss it as a couple, not just wait for her to decide whenever.. just my thoughts on it, i've got a friend going through a similar situation trying to move in with her bf, but i haven't been it myself... good luck..

07-15-2004, 10:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	seems to me like she is unsure about the relationship. moving in together is a pretty big commitment that i guess she is having a hard time dealing with since you do not have a lot in common and some issues to work out. her still acting like nothing is wrong on the phone seems to be the confort side of things taking over until she can make up here mind about this difficult decission. i would definately sit down with her and have a nice long talk about where your relationship is headed.

07-15-2004, 11:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
hossified face f$cker Location: canada	well I know she wants to be married by the time she is 30...and than prolly children a couple years after. For me....I don't have time limits on stuff like that .... but it could be because I am a guy. I can seriously say though that I don't know if I want to marry her.....and am not a huge fan of marriage since pretty much all my blood relatives have been divorced at least once. I agree that the moving in is the make it or break it of the realtionship.....and I want to know after 4 years.....but she seems like she doesn't want to yet.....in order to try and fix things??? I just don't know how you fix things.....when we will be apart (like we have been already for 4 years). Am I wrong in thinking that if this doesn't happen....we might as well break up...cause it's just keeping us at a stand still instead of moving us forward....??? I mean I take offense to it even though it wasn't meant that way...but I mean if after this amount of time....she doesn't want to move in.....what the hell is the point?? And she contradicts herself saying she could see herself marrying me in 4 years??? I dunno folks....I'm thinking about just turning gay.......haha (jk)

07-15-2004, 12:03 PM	#7 (permalink)
st33lr4t Psycho Location: Dallas, Tx	i dont think your wrong in feeling the way you are. i also wouldnt take offense to her uncertainty but i would want to know why she is feeling the way she is. you really need to talk this out with her.