Jaron

Before I say anything else, I'd like to point out several reasons that this isn't in Tilted Sexuality:

1) Although I sleep with her, this isn't a sexual topic.
2) This is basically asking for relationship advice, considering the comfort of being fairly anonymous around here and all that.
3) It's tied into a poem (which is on the Tilted Literature forum - not here because it's a poem, and it explains further in the to-be-linked thread).

Anyways, there's this girl who I've been seeing for five months (since mid-April). I actually "officially" went out with her for the first two months of that, and have been seeing her exclusively since she broke up with her boyfriend that she had right after me (because he was, before that, one of her best friends and she didn't want to hurt him twice - he'd asked her out before). At the time, we agreed on an "open relationship", which I figured would have worked quite well. After all, I have a bit of trouble controlling my libido which is sort of... not entirely good, for a "serious" or "official" relationship.

However, since then, she's revealed several things:
1) She only wants to be with me.
2) She doesn't want me to be with anyone else.
3) If I were, she would get jealous.
4) If she got jealous, then she'd get pissed off.

What the hell do I do?

I've written a poem (mentioned before) addressed to her, but I'm not sure whether or not I should even hint, to her, about its existance.

Here is the poem ==> http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=24599

All and any feedback would DEFINITELY be appreciated.

Thanks again.

Jaron

Apparently, I misinterpreted the forum purposes. Ignore the first tidbit. :P

motdakasha

It doesn't sound like you two should try an open relationship. If she can't handle/control her jealousy, it is likely going to fail.

__________________
=^-^= motdakasha =^-^=
Just Google It.
BA Psychology & Photography
(I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

Jaron

Yeah, I sorta' figured the whole open relationship wouldn't work with her. At all. Especially since she, as you said, handle/control her jealousy. In fact, it is failing already.

The problem is that I actually think I love the girl. I mean, hell... she's one of my best friends as well.

What CAN I try though?

skysooner

You get rid of the open relationship idea, you devote yourself to her, but you need to be careful about it. She did that whole open relationship thing to protect herself against what she might consider to be a rebound relationship. Her feelings might be a bit jumbled, so take care in getting too serious too quickly. However it sounds like she likes you a bunch.

Jaron

sky, It's been probably about... almost three months since her last relationship, and her last relationship? Well, it wasn't really much to rebound off. (She consciously avoided him, because she felt sorry for him in the way one feels sorry for a whipped puppy. There's alot more history there, but it's not really relevant right now.)

She's a fairly jumbled person in general, in terms of emotion and ideas. But still...

When I broke up with her, the first time around, it was because of my writing (which I take very, VERY seriously - my entire life revolves around it). I made her cry, which is a surprisingly hard thing to do. At that point, things were going fairly well for her.

Now, things are a living hell. Her parents are going through a potential divorce situation, as they have been for the last four decades. This time, it's apparently much more extreme that it has been any of the other times, and her dad's just got back into the house from his walking out. She used to be daddy's little girl, but since then... well, no more. The problem is that her mom thinks of her that way, so both parents think she's taking sides against them. A messy deal.

Then there's the whole "school" thing, with people (former "good friends") bitching behind her back. Friends fucking her over. The whole schpiel.

Yeah, she's a mess right now, and I don't blame her.

So the basic problem lies in this: I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to destroy myself.

JBX

"At the time, we agreed on an "open relationship" The contract is broken. Do what you want.

__________________
"Youth and Strength is no match for Age and Treachery"

Thagrastay

Run like hell.
This sounds like classic dysfunctional behavior-rescuer/Martyr/persecutor- on both of your parts.
Love is a decision, not a reaction. You can decide to be in love as well decide to love no longer.
JBX is right: The contract/agreement is broken. You are bound to nothing you do not agree to from here on out.
But if you stay and it gets bed, remember that it was entirely your decision to join the party: will will never be a victim to that with which you agree to participate.
Run like hell.

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"That's it! They've got the cuffs on him, he's IN the car!"

CityOfAngels

"She loves you yeah yeah yeah! She loves you yeah yeah yeah! With a love like that, you know it can't be baaaad!"

Um....yeah

__________________
The words "love" and "life" go together. It is almost as if they are one. You must love to live, and you must live to love, or you have never lived nor loved at all.

Prince

Well, I'm going to offer a somewhat different point of view.

The first thing I've to say is, I've never heard of anyone breaking up with someone because of their ambitions when it comes to writing. But that is irrelevant, so let's move on...

The only thing you've really mentioned, that I noticed, as to why you don't want to commit yourself to her, is your wild libido. In light of this, I found the following rather curious:

Destroy yourself how? From what I can tell, the only thing that is at risk at the moment is your ability to screw around without jeopardizing your clear conscience. If you are not capable of commitment, at least right now, then so be it -- tell her as much. Even so, considering what she has on her plate, she might need you right now. I see that need as greater than the risk of your self-destruction, but then I am but an outsider.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

skysooner

Prince states it well. However she broke up with him due the time he spends writing. It sounds like she is needing lots of attention at the moment. My wife is pretty high-maintenance in this regard. It can be a good and bad thing. Either you want the commitment at this time or you don't. All you can do is decide and tell her. IMHO, when she is this much of a mess, it is unlikely you are going to have a nice healthy relationship.

Jaron

Well, it's not so much my libido. That's really an excuse, and sort of one of the things that made me start thinking about the whole "open relationship" thing, which brought to mind why I broke up with her in the first place.

Prince, my writing is all I've really got anymore. I don't do coke, or have other drugs to fall back on anymore. I've lost all traces of physical fitness, so I can't turn back to running like I used to. Writing's really the only thing that I CAN do, anymore, that keeps me going. It's my priority. I hold it in higher regard than anything else, or anyone else. It's my drug, really.

The problem this causes is that... well, I'm an emotional sado-masochist. I'm only happy when I'm feeling shitty, and feel shitty when I'm happy. Sort of a role reversal. That's what how I write, by being miserable.

When I'm with her, I'm happy, and I lose the feelings of... well, feeling shitty (angry, outraged, irate, generally fucking pissed off, darkness, so on and so forth). So it makes it impossible for me to write. I can't deal with that.

So it's not so much the TIME that I spend writing, it's HOW I write that she... well, basically destroys.

gduventree

Unless hate, anger, and darkness make your girlfriend happy as well, then I can't see how this relationship will work. A relationship between two people should be about fulfilling both party's needs and that doesn't seem to be happening here.

You should also think about your own outlook on life. Do you think you can be an angry, angst ridden person for the rest of your life, or can you see yourself changing as time goes on? Is there something you can think of that would cause you to change? Perhaps this is the first sign of change, that maybe you're getting tired of the whole rage/hate thing and that it's time to move on.

wry1

You can't go back to physical fitness? Are you in a wheelchair? Confined to a bed? If not, then quit whining about that. You can too get back into running if you choose to, it's just easier to sit on your ass and write moody works that mimic your outlook on life.

Want some advice? Go see a therapist. From 50% of what you've written, this girl makes you happy and you don't know how to deal with that. Lear how to deal. The whole point of life is to try and be happy - as well as bring a little happiness to others.

So knock-off the whole schtick about only being "happy" when you're miserable. You're not happy....you're comfortable. There is a DISTINCT difference between the two. Try happy, start power-walking (which will lead - eventually - to running again) and if she makes you feel happy still then date her exclusively.

Why do I get the feeling that you're not even 21 yet?

BubblegumTeflon

We don't tell you what we want because our mouth is always saying one thing but our heart says something different. . . if she says she wants to be exclusive she wants to control you, if you want to be free and open in what you do then don't accept it. She will respect you for standing your ground and like you even more after that, I would.

Even if she doesn't and she leaves you will find that there are others, plenty of others out there. We're always giving shy glances out of the corner of our eye or bumping into you in line by "accident". But - we can't ask you, you have to ask us. That's how we are. . .I'm a little bit more assertive than most girls but I'm really an exception. If you don't make the move then too bad, we'll just take the next guy who does, if through his looks or his voice he can make us feel the right way.

Jaron

wry1, I overstated it a bit. What I mean by "not being able to go back" is that I'm heavily addicted to nicotene (I smoke 2-5 packs per day) and am probably an alcoholic (I drink at least one 750mL bottle of liquer per day, and alcoholism runs in my genes). I also get far too little sleep (being an insomniac). These things are mostly all that I do (except writing), and are what really make up my lifestyle. To start doing the whole "sports" thing again, I'd have to change everything about my life. I'm not prepared to do that.

Anyways, what I was saying about being happy when I'm miserable and visa versa, it's not so much being "miserable" as when I SHOULD be miserable. Doing things that SHOULD make me miserable makes me kinda' happy, and doing things that I should be happy with make me miserable. It's the whole find line between pain and pleasure, I guess, except applied to emotions.

Happiness isn't the point of life. Satisfaction is. Satisfaction is ultimately better than happiness, although I guess you could argue that it's the same thing to a large degree. I'm satisfied with my lot in life, so to speak, so why do I need to be happy as well? Naw... I'm not that greedy. :P

And yes, it's also exceedingly comfortable.

Also, I hate therapists. Ever have. (Honestly, they sorta' scare me.)

This girl... I don't know whether or not she makes me happy or not. She does when I'm with her, but hey. It might just be because we're totally relaxed and just have fun. Problem being... I'm the only one she feels comfortable with, but I'm a comfortably extroverted little bastard, so I could make myself act "freely" around anyone. And I do.



BubblegumT, thanks for that. I think I like your advice the best, so far. :P



P.S., to wry1: Yes. I am under 21.

Jaron

Update: I'm with the girl. I had a talk with her. Now I'm staying with her.

eci

Good decision - congratulations!

wry1

Good for you, Jaron!

And seriously, if you put half as much work into cutting back on the smokes and the booze that you put into your writing, then I don't see your lifestyle as being an insurmountable barrier.

And if you don't, then you won't have to worry about being with the girl for too long anyhow.

There is a reason why there's only one Hunter S. Thompson....all the others died out. Jack Kerouac, you're still missed!

Jaron

Amen.