Problem with her best friend - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

LutherMac · 08-06-2003, 07:30 PM

I've recently found myself in a bit of a strange pickle. Not sure if most of you know this, but I recently got married. (Thanks) Anyway.... my wife's and her best friend have been good friends for about a year now, and they always spend lots of time together. About a month before the wedding, I found out just some of the things they were doing during that time. Needless to say, they are a bit more than friendly together. Personally, I had no problem with a little experimentation and stuff before the wedding, and I let her know this. It bothered me a bit, since I caught her meeting guys online about 8 months ago, but I just shrugged it off for the time being.

Now, its about 2 weeks after the wedding, and I was asked this weekend if I minded if her and her friend went on a weekend trip together to get away from the families. I asked, and my wife told me that they were going to be "together" during this trip, and I put my foot down, saying that all that was over now that we were husband and wife. She supposedly talked it over with her friend, and said they weren't going to mess around anymore, but they still wanted to go on this trip. I found myself forced to agree to let her go.

Today, I just happened to be on her computer, when I notice an e-mail that stated:

"Sometimes when we are together and your the kids are around I might wish they hat they weren't around. Sometimes when it's just us it's nice. There are alot of times where when your just being your cute little self, I just want to kiss you. What do you like to hear me say? Cause I 'll say it all the time for you. I love you to hear your voice , I love your sense of humor, and I love just being around you, you make me feel good. You have no idea how special you are."

I don't know what to think. She's carrying on this relationship being my back.... and I'm really starting to feel like I made a huge mistake. Her friend isn't the greatest person in the world, and she has affairs all the time, and I'm afraid of "Monkey See Monkey Do".

I don't want to be overbearing and forbid her to see her friend, but I don't want her running around on me either. Any ideas of what I can do?

tj2001cobra · 08-06-2003, 07:47 PM

Yeesh. I am getting married in 2 months. I dont even want to touch this with a ten foot pole.

Are you asking what you should REALLY do or are you asking for some advice that makes you feel better? The truth in what you need to do probably isn't going to feel good, whether you confront her, or god forbid, break the relationship off for lack of trust issues.

Sorry man, that is a terrible situation to be in.

rogue49 · 08-06-2003, 08:05 PM

You need to have a LONG talk with her.
She needs to respect that she is married.
Now if you're cool with it, that's one thing,
but it doesn't sound like you are.

She needs to understand that she is commited to you,
otherwise everything is in name only.
You can't play around with this.
There are emotional & legal implications.
Marriage is not a game.
And she can't be betraying your trust, it doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman.

You've got to get this out now, before it goes further & festers.
I hope it goes well.

clockworkgreen · 08-06-2003, 08:20 PM

Also getting married in 2 months....and I can't imagine something like this coming up....sucks dude. But you gotta nail her for it right now.

MSD · 08-06-2003, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LutherMac
She supposedly talked it over with her friend, and said they weren't going to mess around anymore, but they still wanted to go on this trip. I found myself forced to agree to let her go.

You can't even trust that she's telling the truth. She needs to stay away from this guy if she can't control herself, and if she can't prove to you that she's still trustworthy, you have to decide whether you want a cheating wife or a clean slate.

LutherMac · 08-06-2003, 09:02 PM

Don't know if I mentioned... its a female friend... which makes it pretty difficult to bring up to anyone close to the situation (family and friends)

Leviathan[NCV] · 08-06-2003, 09:08 PM

I hate to say it dude, but that's a serious problem. But, communication is the best thing. If she's not willing to help with this, I'd start taking action before it's too late...

Subform · 08-06-2003, 10:28 PM

Here's a question for ya, which might lead you to the answer.

What would you have done if this was a guy ?
Which she was good friends with, and this all happened ?

Don't treat her differently just because its a woman she is with, its the same deal. She cheated on you before you got married, and it doesn't seem to make a difference that she is your wife now.

Dude, you have to protect yourself against stuff like this. Be cold, its the only way to go sometimes.
It doesn't look like the other lady is giving up.

Again:
Ask yourself alot of questions. What would you have done if this was a guy ? .. What would you have done with the wedding?

The Answer is out there Neo

rodgerd · 08-06-2003, 11:45 PM

This will sound harsh, but....

Go. Now. She was having an affair before you married. She's having one now, which she only admitted when pressed. Staying will set you up for more heartache; I've seen two marriages strike this kind of problem and they both were totalled by it in the end, one after six months, one after ten years of a lot of heartache and pain.

Get out while you can, have the marriage annulled, and start over.

h2g2Fan · 08-07-2003, 01:01 AM

I reccomend pretending to be sensitive, get yourself in a couple 3-somes, and then continue the swinger lifestyle or dump her.

LutherMac · 08-07-2003, 04:27 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Subform
What would you have done if this was a guy ?
Which she was good friends with, and this all happened ?

Actually, I have brought up this notion with her during our last "discussion" of the subject. She doesn't classify it as sex since its with another female, and no penetration and such was going on.. yet.. I bring up what if she was a guy.... then she admitted that it would probably be classified as cheating... "but this is different!" .. she seems to be the only one that thinks so.

So far, thanks for all the advice. Most of which is what I was thinking before... this is just a bad situation, and it probably can only get worse from here.

08-07-2003, 09:27 PM

Yeah, man - this is really serious.

You should sit her down and figure out what she really wants to accomplish with this other 'relationship.'

Weird situation - don't really know what else to say.

topcat989 · 08-07-2003, 11:06 PM

a talk is definately in order - a good question to ask is " why did you marry me?" and "what do you want out of our marrage?"

mistered · 08-08-2003, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by LutherMac
Actually, I have brought up this notion with her during our last "discussion" of the subject. She doesn't classify it as sex since its with another female, and no penetration and such was going on..

Oh my! She's just full of bull, isn't she? It's every bit the same, and she knows that. She has to break this off, period.

bermuDa · 08-08-2003, 12:51 AM

who wrote that email you quoted? if it was your wife then it's serious trouble.

and who gives a fuck about sex anyways? she's being INTIMATE with another person and that's not fucking cool when you're married and your spouse is obviously upset by it. She's trying to get out of her guilt with a technicality, don't let her get away with it.

rodgerd · 08-08-2003, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by LutherMac
Actually, I have brought up this notion with her during our last "discussion" of the subject. She doesn't classify it as sex since its with another female, and no penetration and such was going on.. yet.. I bring up what if she was a guy.... then she admitted that it would probably be classified as cheating... "but this is different!" .. she seems to be the only one that thinks so.

Complete bullshit. If no penetration is the rule, it'd be OK to go start getting handjobs from other women, right?

If she's going to persist in the, "it doesn't count, it's a woman" mindset, walk. The 10 years of heartache and pain? That was a wife in the "it's just a woman" camp.

curveedv8 · 08-08-2003, 01:46 AM

Ohh what a tough situation. You definitely need to talk, it may not be as cut and dried as giving her an ultimatum and walking.

Does she see herself as bi-sexual rather than just mucking around? This is important. You need to discuss it. If it is just mucking around she should stop for you. Explain to her how she has severely diminished your trust in her (this is obvious by the fact you're just happening to be on her computer and happening to find emails between the two of them). If she's bi find out if she 'needs' (not wants) to be with a woman. Explain why you're uncomfortable with her friend. Explain why you feel she is cheating on you, ask her to detail to you the reasons why it's not cheating beyond "it's a woman". Maybe that will make her see the reasoning behind your feelings and why you are so upset.

She married you and cheating on you with anyone doesn't really go with the whole "love & honour" sentiment.

Good luck with it, my heart goes out to you.

iceman2032 · 08-08-2003, 09:43 AM

Sorry to say, but you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possiable. If you continue this, you're only going to get hurt in the future

neoinoakleys · 08-08-2003, 10:04 AM

I am just going to re-emphasize what a few other posters have been saying, cuz I agree...

I obviously sounds like this is something that you don't approve of, and that is fine. I think you need to let her live her life and you live yours. What I am saying is that I think it is time for you to move on. Clearly, this lifestyle of having something on the side is what she wants and you can't change her, nor would you want to change her. She needs to find someone that is ok with her having some fun on the side. But since you are not that guy, then I would move on. It is not the lifestyle you are seeking.

I would also tell you that if you can not trust the person you are with and you let it keep happening, you are going to constantly feel hurt betrayed and so on, and she too is going to feel like she is not getting what she wants out of life. Make a clean break and move on, maybe you will find someone that will be true to you, and she will find someone that can tolerate her choice in lifestyle.

lurkette · 08-08-2003, 01:43 PM

*shakes head*

What part of "forsaking all others" did she not understand?
And I have to say that you seem a bit naive. She's meeting guys 8 months before you get married, and shortly before the wedding you find out she's having an affair with a female friend. And neither of these things were a big red waving warning flag to you? Sorry to beat you up when you're already suffering, but this can't have been a huge shock.

Male, female, penetration, no penetration, if you're not okay with what she's doing, she's cheating and it's up to you to decide what you can live with. If you've already made clear what you expect from her, and she's not willing to give it to you, then I'd say this "marriage" is over. Otherwise, one of two things needs to happen: you need to broaden your definition of acceptable married behavior, or she needs to live up to the commitment she made when she married you. If both of you can't live with one or the other of these choices, I'd say you have no respectable choice except to end the relationship. If you're willing to try to save it, I'd suggest some couples therapy cause hell if I know how to get through to her if she thinks what she's doing is okay.

analog · 08-09-2003, 09:13 AM

um... maybe i'm the only open-minded guy in this thread, but get to know the friend really well and fuck BOTH of them. just because you're married doesn't mean you close your mind. obviously this is something she really likes- now if she's throwing around the word love maybe it's a bit different because marriages (even those who have 3rd partners) are all about the love.

RoadRage · 08-09-2003, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Her friend isn't the greatest person in the world, and she has affairs all the time

Analog, you're not the only open-minded guy in this thread. Someone described as in the quote is someone I wouldn't want to start a relationship with, and LutherMac probably feels similarly. If the women were each others exclusive "side-item", I wouldn't be as concerned as:

Quote:

I caught her meeting guys online about 8 months ago, but I just shrugged it off for the time being.

There's a pattern taking shape here, and it's not good for someone who thinks the relationship should be exclusive-monogamous.

It's time for a serious talk with her. These "flings" may be simple immaturity, and you have to let her know that their continuance will result in the end of the relationship. The "flings" may be the surface manifestations of a deep-seated psychological or sexual trauma, for which she will need some serious therapy and support.

rockbehemoth · 08-09-2003, 08:24 PM

Leave her, brother.

Strong words, I know. But it ain't going to get any better.
My brother did the same thing to his wife when they were married. Note the past-tense.

Definitely sit down and talk with her, but don't count on this to work.
Good luck, bro.

analog · 08-13-2003, 02:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by RoadRage
Analog, you're not the only open-minded guy in this thread.

Sorry, it just came off wrong, i don't mean have a relationship with her, just have some good sex and eventually she'll fuck herself out of their lives. Either way you're planning on losing her anyway, right?

motdakasha · 08-13-2003, 02:36 AM

[quote]She doesn't classify it as sex since its with another female, and no penetration and such was going on..[quote]

1. Female-female messing around is sex.
2. Penetration does occur in female-female sex, it's just not with a penis.
3. She's as bad as Bill Clinton asking the court to define sex.

<hr>
Is Oral Sex Still Sex?

aestivalis · 08-14-2003, 10:53 AM

What does she define as intimacy anyway?
Sex is sex... and the sexual stimulation/pleasure is definitely something just for couples... as in COUPLES! not a party or network of people!

If you were the one kissing a guy (perish the thought though).. would that bother her?
If it doesn't.. if she classifies it as not sex.. then she really is... mentally out of it!

She must be really "demented" to think that sexual intimacy between girl-friends is ok.... specially that it's behind your back, and she doesn't define it as sex!

Try asking her.. maybe she's ok with orgies? or how about you join her and her friend? would that be ok?

Wish you luck....
Though it's difficult to help someone when they can't let alone recognize that they have a problem.

EleqTrizi'T · 08-14-2003, 11:38 AM

I'm with forks. Get an annullment. Dump the ho'. That's a harsh thing to say about someone's wife, but damn man.

And you've got no one to blame but yourself for being such a pushover before you got married. Come wash my car.

aintyoboyfriend · 08-14-2003, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by analog
um... maybe i'm the only open-minded guy in this thread, but get to know the friend really well and fuck BOTH of them. just because you're married doesn't mean you close your mind. obviously this is something she really likes- now if she's throwing around the word love maybe it's a bit different because marriages (even those who have 3rd partners) are all about the love.

Open-minded is fine, but if you are in a marriage with someone you don't expect them to bring someone else into the relationship unexpectedly. Before a situation like this can work, the married people need to sit down and clearly outline the boundaries, and agree that this is something that they both want to do.

Aside from that, it was already pointed out that she has a history of not being faithful. People who cannot be faithful rarely can change their ways for anyone. You need to get out of this relationship before you either A: become indifferent and start to not care or B: become jaded and bitter towards all women.

08-06-2003, 07:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
LutherMac Crazy Location: St. Louis, MO	Problem with her best friend I've recently found myself in a bit of a strange pickle. Not sure if most of you know this, but I recently got married. (Thanks) Anyway.... my wife's and her best friend have been good friends for about a year now, and they always spend lots of time together. About a month before the wedding, I found out just some of the things they were doing during that time. Needless to say, they are a bit more than friendly together. Personally, I had no problem with a little experimentation and stuff before the wedding, and I let her know this. It bothered me a bit, since I caught her meeting guys online about 8 months ago, but I just shrugged it off for the time being. Now, its about 2 weeks after the wedding, and I was asked this weekend if I minded if her and her friend went on a weekend trip together to get away from the families. I asked, and my wife told me that they were going to be "together" during this trip, and I put my foot down, saying that all that was over now that we were husband and wife. She supposedly talked it over with her friend, and said they weren't going to mess around anymore, but they still wanted to go on this trip. I found myself forced to agree to let her go. Today, I just happened to be on her computer, when I notice an e-mail that stated: "Sometimes when we are together and your the kids are around I might wish they hat they weren't around. Sometimes when it's just us it's nice. There are alot of times where when your just being your cute little self, I just want to kiss you. What do you like to hear me say? Cause I 'll say it all the time for you. I love you to hear your voice , I love your sense of humor, and I love just being around you, you make me feel good. You have no idea how special you are." I don't know what to think. She's carrying on this relationship being my back.... and I'm really starting to feel like I made a huge mistake. Her friend isn't the greatest person in the world, and she has affairs all the time, and I'm afraid of "Monkey See Monkey Do". I don't want to be overbearing and forbid her to see her friend, but I don't want her running around on me either. Any ideas of what I can do? __________________ Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!

08-06-2003, 09:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
LutherMac Crazy Location: St. Louis, MO	Don't know if I mentioned... its a female friend... which makes it pretty difficult to bring up to anyone close to the situation (family and friends) __________________ Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else!

08-06-2003, 10:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
Subform Crazy Location: Vordingborg, Denmark	Here's a question for ya, which might lead you to the answer. What would you have done if this was a guy ? Which she was good friends with, and this all happened ? Don't treat her differently just because its a woman she is with, its the same deal. She cheated on you before you got married, and it doesn't seem to make a difference that she is your wife now. Dude, you have to protect yourself against stuff like this. Be cold, its the only way to go sometimes. It doesn't look like the other lady is giving up. Again: Ask yourself alot of questions. What would you have done if this was a guy ? .. What would you have done with the wedding? The Answer is out there Neo __________________ -+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Subform - Allover the place

08-08-2003, 12:51 AM	#15 (permalink)
bermuDa don't ignore this--> Location: CA	who wrote that email you quoted? if it was your wife then it's serious trouble. and who gives a fuck about sex anyways? she's being INTIMATE with another person and that's not fucking cool when you're married and your spouse is obviously upset by it. She's trying to get out of her guilt with a technicality, don't let her get away with it. __________________ I am the very model of a moderator gentleman.

08-08-2003, 10:04 AM	#19 (permalink)
neoinoakleys Psycho Location: Michigan	I am just going to re-emphasize what a few other posters have been saying, cuz I agree... I obviously sounds like this is something that you don't approve of, and that is fine. I think you need to let her live her life and you live yours. What I am saying is that I think it is time for you to move on. Clearly, this lifestyle of having something on the side is what she wants and you can't change her, nor would you want to change her. She needs to find someone that is ok with her having some fun on the side. But since you are not that guy, then I would move on. It is not the lifestyle you are seeking. I would also tell you that if you can not trust the person you are with and you let it keep happening, you are going to constantly feel hurt betrayed and so on, and she too is going to feel like she is not getting what she wants out of life. Make a clean break and move on, maybe you will find someone that will be true to you, and she will find someone that can tolerate her choice in lifestyle. __________________ It's My Duty to Please That Booty!!

08-06-2003, 07:47 PM	#2 (permalink)
tj2001cobra Insane Location: Austin, Texas .. Y'all	Yeesh. I am getting married in 2 months. I dont even want to touch this with a ten foot pole. Are you asking what you should REALLY do or are you asking for some advice that makes you feel better? The truth in what you need to do probably isn't going to feel good, whether you confront her, or god forbid, break the relationship off for lack of trust issues. Sorry man, that is a terrible situation to be in.

08-06-2003, 08:05 PM	#3 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	You need to have a LONG talk with her. She needs to respect that she is married. Now if you're cool with it, that's one thing, but it doesn't sound like you are. She needs to understand that she is commited to you, otherwise everything is in name only. You can't play around with this. There are emotional & legal implications. Marriage is not a game. And she can't be betraying your trust, it doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman. You've got to get this out now, before it goes further & festers. I hope it goes well.

08-06-2003, 08:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
clockworkgreen Psycho Location: DC	Also getting married in 2 months....and I can't imagine something like this coming up....sucks dude. But you gotta nail her for it right now.

08-06-2003, 09:08 PM	#7 (permalink)
Leviathan[NCV] Well... Location: afk	I hate to say it dude, but that's a serious problem. But, communication is the best thing. If she's not willing to help with this, I'd start taking action before it's too late...

08-06-2003, 11:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
rodgerd Psycho Location: Wellington, New Zealand	This will sound harsh, but.... Go. Now. She was having an affair before you married. She's having one now, which she only admitted when pressed. Staying will set you up for more heartache; I've seen two marriages strike this kind of problem and they both were totalled by it in the end, one after six months, one after ten years of a lot of heartache and pain. Get out while you can, have the marriage annulled, and start over.

08-07-2003, 01:01 AM	#10 (permalink)
h2g2Fan Loser Location: University of Maryland at College Park	I reccomend pretending to be sensitive, get yourself in a couple 3-somes, and then continue the swinger lifestyle or dump her.

08-07-2003, 09:27 PM	#12 (permalink)
Achernar Guest	Yeah, man - this is really serious. You should sit her down and figure out what she really wants to accomplish with this other 'relationship.' Weird situation - don't really know what else to say.

08-07-2003, 11:06 PM	#13 (permalink)
topcat989 Upright	a talk is definately in order - a good question to ask is " why did you marry me?" and "what do you want out of our marrage?"

08-08-2003, 01:46 AM	#17 (permalink)
curveedv8 Tilted Location: Sydney, Australia	Ohh what a tough situation. You definitely need to talk, it may not be as cut and dried as giving her an ultimatum and walking. Does she see herself as bi-sexual rather than just mucking around? This is important. You need to discuss it. If it is just mucking around she should stop for you. Explain to her how she has severely diminished your trust in her (this is obvious by the fact you're just happening to be on her computer and happening to find emails between the two of them). If she's bi find out if she 'needs' (not wants) to be with a woman. Explain why you're uncomfortable with her friend. Explain why you feel she is cheating on you, ask her to detail to you the reasons why it's not cheating beyond "it's a woman". Maybe that will make her see the reasoning behind your feelings and why you are so upset. She married you and cheating on you with anyone doesn't really go with the whole "love & honour" sentiment. Good luck with it, my heart goes out to you.

08-08-2003, 09:43 AM	#18 (permalink)
iceman2032 Crazy	Sorry to say, but you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possiable. If you continue this, you're only going to get hurt in the future

08-08-2003, 01:43 PM	#20 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	shakes head What part of "forsaking all others" did she not understand? And I have to say that you seem a bit naive. She's meeting guys 8 months before you get married, and shortly before the wedding you find out she's having an affair with a female friend. And neither of these things were a big red waving warning flag to you? Sorry to beat you up when you're already suffering, but this can't have been a huge shock. Male, female, penetration, no penetration, if you're not okay with what she's doing, she's cheating and it's up to you to decide what you can live with. If you've already made clear what you expect from her, and she's not willing to give it to you, then I'd say this "marriage" is over. Otherwise, one of two things needs to happen: you need to broaden your definition of acceptable married behavior, or she needs to live up to the commitment she made when she married you. If both of you can't live with one or the other of these choices, I'd say you have no respectable choice except to end the relationship. If you're willing to try to save it, I'd suggest some couples therapy cause hell if I know how to get through to her if she thinks what she's doing is okay. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-09-2003, 09:13 AM	#21 (permalink)
analog Banned	um... maybe i'm the only open-minded guy in this thread, but get to know the friend really well and fuck BOTH of them. just because you're married doesn't mean you close your mind. obviously this is something she really likes- now if she's throwing around the word love maybe it's a bit different because marriages (even those who have 3rd partners) are all about the love.

08-09-2003, 08:24 PM	#23 (permalink)
rockbehemoth Junkie	Leave her, brother. Strong words, I know. But it ain't going to get any better. My brother did the same thing to his wife when they were married. Note the past-tense. Definitely sit down and talk with her, but don't count on this to work. Good luck, bro.

08-13-2003, 02:36 AM	#25 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	[quote]She doesn't classify it as sex since its with another female, and no penetration and such was going on..[quote] 1. Female-female messing around is sex. 2. Penetration does occur in female-female sex, it's just not with a penis. 3. She's as bad as Bill Clinton asking the court to define sex. <hr> Is Oral Sex Still Sex? __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.) Last edited by motdakasha; 08-18-2003 at 03:40 AM..

08-14-2003, 10:53 AM	#26 (permalink)
aestivalis Upright Location: Philippines	What does she define as intimacy anyway? Sex is sex... and the sexual stimulation/pleasure is definitely something just for couples... as in COUPLES! not a party or network of people! If you were the one kissing a guy (perish the thought though).. would that bother her? If it doesn't.. if she classifies it as not sex.. then she really is... mentally out of it! She must be really "demented" to think that sexual intimacy between girl-friends is ok.... specially that it's behind your back, and she doesn't define it as sex! Try asking her.. maybe she's ok with orgies? or how about you join her and her friend? would that be ok? Wish you luck.... Though it's difficult to help someone when they can't let alone recognize that they have a problem.

08-14-2003, 11:38 AM	#27 (permalink)
EleqTrizi'T Insane	I'm with forks. Get an annullment. Dump the ho'. That's a harsh thing to say about someone's wife, but damn man. And you've got no one to blame but yourself for being such a pushover before you got married. Come wash my car.