kate jack

Lets say that you love porn and love to go to strip clubs. Your SO knew this before getting together with you and thought it wouldn't be an issue. Turns out, it is. He/she feels awfully insecure about it, it makes him/her uncomfortable and it is causing a huge problem for them, huge.

Would you stop watching porn and going to the clubs? Or would you say that it is his/her problem to deal with and keep on doing what you do?

Your partner isn't controlling, he/she doesn't want you to stop going out and seeing friends or anything on those lines. He/she just wants you to stop the porn and clubs because it is really affecting his/her life in a negative way.



I would say that the couple should talk and try to come to a reasonable compromise. This doesn't mean that the porn aficionado should simply "give up" porn because that's what the other person wants. This should be an amicable decision as a couple so as not to deny eachother's right to individual expression. To say that the one partner "isn't controlling" but merely "wants [the other partner] to stop the porn and clubs" is not a clear message.

How can a person "not be controlling" yet then tell another person what to do?

I would advise the partner who is uncomfortable by the porn to be upfront with their partner, try to listen w/an unbiased ear and first and foremost, critically analyze their personal reaction to see whether this is an insecurity or a real issue for the relationship's stability.

If after discussing this issue with both sides sincerely hearing eachother's thoughts and still no resolution, then it may be that the couple should not be in a relationship.

Cernunnos

If this were a situation I had to deal with, and my partner were insecure about my habit of visiting strip clubs, I would listen to them respectfully and try to single out the specific concerns. Does she fear that I will end up screwing around with one of the strippers? Is she simply uncomfortable with the thought of a stripper giving me a lap dance?

I would ask her to come along with me on the next visit, and she can witness what happens there. Assuming it's nothing beyond what's typical at a strip club, I would expect her to loosen up a bit and hopefully realize that she doesn't have to worry. In fact, I might just make a point of letting her know whenever I'm going to the strip club, and always inviting her to join me. Additionally, I would be giving more attention to her than the strippers, in case she worries that she doesn't measure up to them in a physical/sexiness sense.

If she doesn't respond well to that, I would most likely attempt to eliminate my visits, but that's because visiting strip clubs isn't high on my priority list. If it were a priority, I would seek to limit the visits and rearrange my priorities. Obviously, strip clubs should ultimately be less important than the well being of your lover.

I think the main issue would be her worry that you don't want her to be there at the strip club with you (hey, I would find it hot, myself), and thus wondering why you don't want her there. "Hmm, what does he have to hide?"

Definitely insecurity on her part. The method of involving the partner in strip club visits would hopefully remove said insecurity over time, the main issue being that she fears there's something you're hiding, and/or she fears that she can't compare to the strippers and may think you want them more.

Seaver

Strip clubs are understandable. Porn, well...

My opinion for those so insecure they won't let people watch porn is it's their duty to make it up. Porn is pretty much used masterbatory, lets face it... aside from watching it as a partnership or our porn and chicken night in college (nothing sexual just friends laughing at porn, eating chicken wings and drinking beer) that's all it's ever been used for. If masturbating to other women is what drives the insecurity, it is understandable (s)he wanting him/her to stop. However, that other person must realize the sexual drive of their partner and see to it that said drive is taken care of.

Some people might think this is outrageous, I don't see that it really is. Women who love shopping are not expected to go only when their partner says it's ok, and then only together. The love of shopping is something the woman would not (or really could not) change, and it must be something that is accepted as part of the relationship.

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Jenna

I'd simply suggest a compromise. Watch porn together, go to strip clubs together.

ASU2003

Strip clubs are more of a tease. They are real girls right in front of them though. I can understand why girls don't like strippers, even though they have little to worry about. Porn is more graphic, but unless he is in it with a previous gf, I don't see a problem with it (as long as it isn't for 12 hours a day).

Is she worried about him getting unrealistic body types and perfect photoshopped images to look at. Suggest that he watch some good amateur porn that you (the female) have downloaded.

levite

I don't think it's out of line for an involved person to steer clear of strip clubs. That's okay, in my opinion, because whether there's physical contact or not-- and let's face it, a lot of physical contact happens-- there are fairly sexualized interactions that happen between strippers and customers. I think that's fair game for saying, "I'm not comfortable with you hanging out there." In the end, I'm not sure it matters if it's just a couple of "harmless" lapdances, or just a giggly hen night out scoping sausages with the girls: there's an immediate proximity that justifies a little jealousy.

As for porn, I'm inclined to be more lenient. If one's partner is preferring masturbating to porn over sex, then that's really not healthy. On the other hand, some people just have high sex drives, and they can rub one out in the morning and still be fresh as morning dew for sex that night.

If the issue is content (your partner's porn involves kinks you dislike), consider that it could be for the best: they might know you're not into that, and sublimate their desires for it via the porn. On the other hand, if the effects of her constant watching of "Spanks for the Memories" are insidiously creeping their way into your scrupulously vanilla bedroom...not so great.

If the issue is-- as it so often is-- you're feeling insecure because your man is looking at naked ladies that aren't you...well, you kinda gotta roll with that one. As long as he keeps the weasel in the house, and brings his lusty naughtiness to you, it's probably best to make your peace with the inevitable fact that dudes like boobies. We pretty much want to see them all. No exceptions, really. It's not necessarily so universal with girls, but it's true a lot in reverse, nonetheless: plenty of chicks just like digging on the muscley weenies and buns, and it doesn't mean they're not still hot for your package. You just gotta roll with that.

As with all things, the way to deal with sexual insecurities is calm and compassionate conversation. A little reassurance can go a long way, and who knows, maybe it'll end up lighting the burner a little. If you're both comfortable with where each other's at, maybe Jenna's suggestion starts looking sexy, and everyone's a winner....

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Punk.of.Ages

I actually dealt with this in my last relationship. Not with porn (I rarely look at it), but with strip clubs.

Now, it's not that i have an obsession with strip clubs or anything. I work with a bunch of younger guys on a sales floor and we make a lot of money. We go to strip clubs a lot. In fact for our Christmas party we went to a strip club and my boss gave us money for tipping the girls and we had an open bar and all! It's just how we roll!

Well, I got with a girl who had a big problem with strip clubs. She was worried I'd have sex with one of the girls (she was a pretty jealous girl overall). I tried to assure her I don't go to strip clubs to try to have sex with the women. In fact, I see those women as objects. I have no emotional interest in them. I simply go to have a good time with my friends, which I consider every last one of my co-workers to be.

She couldn't accept it and the conversation always ended with her saying, "I just don't want to talk about this anymore." This whole situation showed me a lot about her that I didn't like, e.g. lack of trust for me, lack of communication skills, etc., and it, amongst other things, was pretty much the reason we didn't last.

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

mixedsubstance

I'd say don't be in a relationship if you enjoy those things, don't be in a relationship if you are uncomfortable with someone who enjoys those things.

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Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*

levite

Maybe it's just me, but somehow I think if I were your girlfriend, hearing that particular argument might not entirely help matters....

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Punk.of.Ages

Well, that's how I feel about it. Why would she have to worry about me sleeping with someone I don't view as a potential sexual partner?

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

mixedsubstance

I would feel, as a woman, with that 'comment', that every woman is an object to you. Not just 'them'. You have to see it in a female's perspective. If a guy EVER said "I see 'them' as objects" (even if you add 'but not you'), it's a definite 'omg pig' red flag for the girl.

__________________
Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*

Punk.of.Ages

A stripper takes her clothes off, I throw money at her. She is selling her body like it's an object, therefore I see her as an object.

A girl who doesn't present herself as an object doesn't get treated as an object.

If objectifying women who objectified themselves first makes me a pig, I can deal with that.

__________________
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

mixedsubstance

point taken, makes sense....yet, as a woman (majority speaking) we would still always find it offensive that a man would enjoy such a thing, yet we would still think that strippers are sluts...haha guess women can never be happy.

__________________
Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?!?

*Without energy, there would be nothing.*

sleepygirl

This is an interesting topic. I like porn and strip clubs, my ex did not care for either really. He made half-hearted attempts to engage, but I it is really not fun to force someone else when they are not comfortable or getting anything out of it. In that relationship, I ended up watching porn only while on business trips (not that frequent) or watching the one porn cd we owned by myself, all in secret.

All that to say, I think this is one of many important sexual topics that two committed people should openly discuss. That does not mean they both need to like porn or strip clubs, but understand and respect the other's likes/dislikes.

It seems inconceivable now that I would be in any sort of committed relationship without having all that out on the table and at least having that mutual understanding and respect. I am fortunate that my SO and I agree on most of these topics though. Neither of us had previously been in relationships where such openness was acceptable or the level of agreement was so high. I really look forward to sharing porn as a way to supplement our sexual experiences. The strip club thing may present itself as our ultimate fantasy as we both are interested in engaging another girl on a limited basis in our relationship. Nothing but good times when you are open and honest!

thespian86

I would encourage her to come with me/watch with me. If it's an issue of her want me to only want her (although I think that means she needs to work on something herself) I would certainly encourage her to make porn/strip with/for me. So I can get off on that.

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ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

akdem

I have been having this issue in my relationship with my gf lately, as well (porn only). I almost feel like it is somewhat of a cop-out to just say "well guys just need porn." Maybe I'm the only guy on here that thinks this, but is it okay to continue to engage ethically questionable behavior knowing that a significant other is bothered by it? I'm not making an ethical judgement about porn ( I watch as much as anyone), I'm just saying that it's not exactly wholesome behavior. She is not the type that wants me to change and would never ask me not to look at porn anymore, but she just says that she can't understand it and that it does sort of bother her.

Basically, I am asking if I am the only guy on here who would be willing to give it up (or at least try to) for the sake of someone that I care about? Why do we just accept the notion that guys "need porn"? It's great, but do we need it even if it hurts an otherwise good relationship?

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k thx.

Xazy

Relationship is about compromise. It is her choice to make a request for something that bothers her (even if you had done it before she may not have realized how much it bothers her or how often you go /watch). It is really irrelevant what it is that bothers her, that is something causes friction in your relationship. Either you both can talk and work it out or you have to make a choice what you value more.

abaya

Just wanted to say that these are both very wise/mature comments, at least in my opinion. Barring the situation of an evangelical Christian couple (where porn is simply not an option for either person, and will never be allowed/tolerated in the marriage--and yes, I know people like this, and it's just not an issue because their values are so aligned), I think porn and strip clubs are key issues to deal with in a relationship, and the earlier they are addressed, the better. It's also something that may always be evolving, and both people need to give the other person room to grow in that way (and not expect them to change, at the same time).

My impression is that there are very few couples who see exactly eye to eye about the topic... it always takes a little compromise, as with anything in a marriage (sexual or otherwise), and if it's a huge issues, a decision about what's more important for the health of the marriage. I think there are very few things that any one person "just NEEDS" so badly in a marriage (e.g. the statement about "guys just need porn,") that they can *only* have it their way, to the neglect of the other person's feelings. It doesn't work that way, in my experience.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Ayashe

I go wih inviting them along to a club or watching a show together. Some people are not all that comfortable with sexuality and feel guilt over things such as that. Feeling it is wrong to have sexual thoughts or find enjoyment in ways that doesn't involve their partner. Also many people feel a real wall between religion and sexuality, strong religious upbringing conflicting with sexual desire. I personally think there could be no better person to watch a porn flick than my partner, but that is just me.