The Magic

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly a year and a half now. We've lived together for nearly a year. The longest we've ever been apart since we started dating is about 5-7 days.

In other words, we're both very close to each other and a large part in the other's life.

I love her and care very much about her, but since we've moved in together I've started feeling that despite my caring for her, I don't believe she is the woman who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. We both graduate college next year, and it seems she's resigned herself to the fact that we will part ways, but I don't think she would be expecting any break up sooner than that and I'm really afraid it would devastate her.

Let me give some background. I'm a 21 years old college student. She's almost 29, and an international student working on her second degree. Because of her past, she doesn't have very much self-confidence and maybe still has a bit of depression issues or social anxiety. Couple in the fact that English is a second language for her, she hasn't made too many friends here. She has some friends that she retained from the dorm, but rarely sees/talks to them. Myself, I'm a bit of a hermit so I haven't made any good, close, friends despite soon finishing my third year at the same university. Because of this, the time we've been together we spend nearly all our time together.

I'm afraid of breaking up and leaving her all alone. She tells me often how much she loves living together and has so much fun together. After breaking up, she won't have anyone to spend time with and she can only talk to her family on the phone. I'm afraid she might feel even more self-conscious after breaking up and that she will close herself in more and face depression. It may sound like my fears are exaggerating the situation (and maybe they are), but my biggest fear is that she will feel so trapped, alone, and stressed out by her classes that she will just give up and return home. She spends quite a bit of time on her classess but it is still difficult for her because English being her second language. She gets stressed out a lot and worries a lot. She tends to worry about everything and often feels like she will fail at things. I'm really worried how a break up would hit her.

After reading this, a lot of you are probably wondering what my full reasons for breaking up are. This was my first relationship ever, and I foolishly believed since the beginning that with enough time people could change their character. I've wanted her to become more self-confident, and she has in some ways, but she has also come to depend on me very much during this year and a half. I feel trapped by our relationship and that I can't live my own life because she is attached to everything. I also have some of my own goals I want to accomplish before I graduate, but our relationship eats up a lot of my time directly and indireclty (stress) and makes those difficult. Last winter I also went to her country and stayed with her family and her for three weeks. Being different cultures, there were sometimes of miscommunication and small problems (I'm at a high-intermediate level of her language, but not fluent). In the US, I support her a lot and I feel like "Well, she is outside of her home and she has a lot of hard times so I should support her here". However, in her home country, if there were problems, despite me doing my best, she would cry and tell me how I need to try harder or things like I should've read more about culture before I came and we could have avoided all this. She did not recognize my effort at all or give me any support. This was sort of an eye opener for me; even if she had been very dependent on me in America, that was ok, but if she can't support our relationship in her own home country and keeps pushing everything on me, when will this let off? Also, could she ever support me if I needed it?

There are also some other things that I won't go into details about here, but recently I've just kind of looked everything over and kept thinking to myself, "is this how I want the rest of my life to be"? I really care for her very much and love her, but I can't resign myself to this kind of life. I want more. I've also considered living apart and just seeing each other less often, but I feel like now that the relationship will end sometime and that keeping the relationship going in such a way would only make things harder for her both that whole time living apart and in the end.

Anyone out there who can give me advice?

Jenna

Well if she knows that you'll eventually part ways, it should be easier to break it off. At least she doesn't think you'll be together forever?

Say that you still want to be friends and you still want to be supportive of her. Although actually remaining friends and such is a lot easier said than done...

Tully Mars

I read the part where you talk about depression and red flags, bells and whistles start going off in my head. I'm probably the last guy on the planet to be giving advice on this situation but if I had my separation to do all over again I'd be more clear, direct and to the point. I'd leave no door open. No we can still be freinds, no call me.... nada. A big "I'm sorry, this didn't work and it isn't going to work. I wish you the best and good-bye."

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Martian

I'm contradicting this. Do not tell her that you still want to be friends with her. Do like Tully Mars said. Leaving any ambiguity in this is just going to make it harder.

Maybe you can be friends. I hear tell of exes being friend, although it's never worked that way for me. If it's going to happen, though, you're going to both need some time apart to adjust to not being together first.

You cannot and should not ever put someone else's welfare above your own. That sounds selfish, but it's the simple truth. Staying in a relationship with her 'for her sake' is doing her a disservice. If you really feel that it's time to move on, it'll be better for both of you if you don't drag things out.

Don't feel that you're responsible for her well-being. I truly hope that she comes out of this a stronger person, but if she doesn't that's not your fault. She was broken when you found her, and you can't fix her. It's up to her to do that for herself. She needs to be able to stand on her own without you or anyone else. The fancy psych term for the type of relationship where one person is unable to function without the other is codependency, and it's a very bad situation for all parties.

Staying in the relationship and thinking that you're doing it for her is the coward's way. Having the courage to stand up and say 'this isn't working and I'd rather give you the opportunity to find happiness for yourself' is harder, but the better solution.



Music for the mood.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Giant Hamburger

The reasons do not matter to us.
You have concluded that it will not work.

That conclusion is now like a virus destroying your relationship from within.

It's the...

scenario.

You know what must be done...
Just do it and get it over with.

ring

ah..men.

Ustwo

Its bad enough breaking up with someone but I fail to see how shooting her dog will help with the situation.

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Giant Hamburger

I preach a scorched earth policy when ending relationships.

ring

Cauterizing.

mixedmedia

Just for the record: I've remained friends with my first ex-husband. (that always sounds so bad when I say it... 'my first ex-husband', lol...there've been two, just two ) But we've managed to stay good friends over the years. In fact, he's the one who cut my hair last week!

But, as to the OP. I have to agree with those advocating a clean break. "Letting her down easy" is a misnomer. It doesn't actually make things easier...just leaves you in limbo with your up and down emotions, doubts, etc.

It's better to KNOW.

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telekinetic

The only exes I'm friends with are ones where we had a long period of not talking to eachother after the breakup. Trying to stay in contact the first year just complicates things.

And yes, once you konw it needs to end, end it. If you care about her, it's the most 'humane' thing you can do...give her the maximum amount of time to get on with her life.

I did it, it was hard, I had no ill will towards the girl (I even paid two months rent on our shared apartment after breaking up with her and moving out so she wouldn't be stuck financially), but it needed to end, and she's better off now than if I had strung it out for another six months, as she's six months farther along getting over it.

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twisted no more

jewels

Shooting her dog will make it easier for him to fly out the door.

EDIT: Seriously, though, I don't really think a one-year relationship is a long relationship. It may be tough for you to do, but this may be her opportunity to work on that self-confidence so she can make new friends and survive. Be sensitive about it, but you have to decide if you want to continue to allow her to rely on you or not.

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Manic_Skafe

It's pretty obvious that if you're going to break this off then a clean break is the way to go. But I can't help but to wonder, as your original post doesn't make any mention of it - have you two worked on any of these issues or at least discussed them?

And also, codependency has the potential to ruin not only your romantic relationships but your friendships as well and I don't doubt for a second that it very well may be the source of some of the discontent in your relationship but also in the difficulty that you both have in building successful friendships outside of your relationship.

Good luck.

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Troublebot

Oh GH, I've missed you so!

I'm going to chime in with everyone else. It is possible to be friends afterward, but I'd set it all out on the table for her before hand. "I care about you and think you are a good person. I had hoped you would grow stronger and more self confident, but I'm not seeing it. I try to support you and you fail to see that. For those reasons, I think we need to end this relationship."

Not terribly well worded, but I think it's important she knows why you feel the need to leave. It could open up a dialogue between you two or it could cause her to hate you (irrationally, in my opinion). Be prepared for either.

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genuinegirly

Encourage her to make friends.

Once you see she has a minor support group, pack up your stuff and say bye.
Don't contact her again.

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abaya

GH speaks the truth. No really, do what he says here.

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ktspktsp

I have a vision of flame-broiled burgers as you say that...

The_Jazz

You two aren't trying to tell us anything, are you?

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ktspktsp

Nope. We're talking about separate experiences. She's done the "clean break" end of relationship with some previous boyfriends.
As for me, I like burgers .

abaya

No Jazz, no worries. Well, to be fair, I had the clean break done *to* me by a past boyfriend, and I effing HATED it at the time... but it unquestionably made things a lot more clear (and less painful) in the long run. And then I stretched out the clean break just a little too long on another relationship, and learned my lesson promptly and chopped it as quickly as possible. Luckily, the next guy I met was ktspktsp, and have never even come close to having to think about breaking anything cleanly (or dirtily), except maybe some furniture during sex.

In my experience, both personal and observed (with too many friends who were afraid to do/go through the clean break), NO GOOD comes out of drawing it out. No good whatsoever. Every day that you stay in a bad relationship out of fear of ending it or hurting the other person, you're at least doubling the intensity of future pain... so look at it mathematically. It's not worth drawing it out. END IT.

Is "dirtily" a word?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Shauk

i'm such a nerd....

lotsofmagnets

just adding my voice to the clean break chorus. my break up is still fresh in my mind and the way it turned out i will have *nothing* to do with my ex because of a messy break up.


nerds post red xs?

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she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

match000

Very well said. Similar situation for me recently and what you said just applies for me pretty much.

Also very well said.

alicat

This is where, I believe, things were doomed to failure. I may be wrong by reading between the lines, but it seems that you went into this relationship thinking you could change her, not she change herself. I believe most any therapist/pre-marital councelor/clergyman would caution against going into a marriage with that objective in mind for anyone. I personally think that extends to any relationship as well as jumping the broom.

Your use of the word "foolishly" seems to hint that you are aware of this. You said she depends on you but I think Martian is right with his use of the word codependency. I'm not privy to the intricacies of your relationship and all that led to this dynamic, but hopefully you are aware and are able to take that lesson into your future relationships.

As far as the break-up, I agree with most everyone else, a clean break is the best for both of you in the long wrong regardless of how hard it seems in the present. Whether I hit the nail on the head or am way off the mark, I'd say you should own up to her your faults in the relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

Ali

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high_jinx

You're Twenty-freakin one.... that's way too young to settle down. you need to get out of that relationship and have some single fun for awhile.

She's 29... biologically speaking, she's got about 5 or 6 years to find a mate, settle down, and start havin a kid or 2 if indeed that's what she wants, and most women do. even if she doesn't want this, she has to deal with those feelings hormonally daily at this point.

so basically, it sounds like your relationship has come down to right place/people, and wrong timing. it's good there's no betrayal or wrong-doing here, but the sooner you both move on to a new chapter in your lives, the better.

it's never easy to break up a long relationship, and some people are more dependent than others and thus more easily crushed, but that's no reason not to face the music and deal with it. staying and living in misery or in denial is not an option.

when you breakup, take a few months with zero contact.... it's difficult to do something like that i know, but it will prevent any relapses into your old cycles and habits and it will make it less complicated for you both to be strong as you enter the unknown of a new chapter of your life, and it will also keep one of you from being crushed when the other person starts seeing someone new if neither of you know it's happening.

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finney

This is my first post but I felt compelled to comment on this.

I was in a relationship for a year with a man I [thought I] loved deeply. As it turns out I also had some issues in my past that I had not dealt with and as your girlfriend seems to be, I was not in love with him but dependent on him to "supply" me with all the positive things that I should have been deriving from myself and from my own life, but wasn't. It was not a healthy relationship on either side (he was extremely dishonest and narcissistic, not to mention emotionally abusive/manipulative). Not saying you are those things, just saying I see some similarities between your GF's situation and my past relationship.

Anyway, he wasted a year of my life for a relationship he never wanted to be in. Not from Day One. His excuse was that he could tell how much I liked him and he just didn't want to hurt me. WHAT?!?! So leading me to believe that we were in a relationship where the feelings were mutual and we were partners for an entire year was a good decision instead? He also pulled the "but we can be friends, call me sometime!" thing too. And whenever I called, he always had some excuse. What ended up happening (and this was largely MY FAULT, I realize that) I ended up looking like a psycho with no self esteem because I took him at his word.

Do her a favor and end it with her. You deserve someone with the skills to be what you need, and she deserves someone who truly wants their relationship with her to progress. I'm sure you've both learned a lot from this relationship, both positive and negative, and you can take that experience with you to your next relationships but this one will not work out. Set you and her free and close the door. Completely. Break contact with her. It will be hard on you both but it's the best in the end, or she will continue clinging to you and will never grow.

little_tippler

Don't stay with her because you feel sorry for her, or you feel like she would crumble without you. She will never thank you for it. She is stronger than you know, certainly. We are all alone and we have all been alone before someone came along, and survived. Also, don't tell her you felt sorry for her. She will surely hate you for that.

Cut it off and move on. It will suck, but if it's over and you don't want to continue, save yourself both some time and do it. It would be cowardly to waste any more of each other's time and she would only feel used if you told her you didn't know how to say it so you drew it out for her sake...pfff

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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Plan9

I thought I could smell a 12 gauge in this thread.

Jeez.

...

A: You're young.

B: Nothing is over until you're in the box in the ground.

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Whatever you can carry.

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