insidious_machinae

Okay, I have posted here a little bit, I'm fairly familiar with how many responses these type of posts get, but I really need advice on this, preferrably from someone who's lasted through the situation.

I'm currently dating a wonderful girl who is 17 (a year younger than me), and going to be a senior in high school in fall. I'll be in college about 5 hours north of my home town. Essentially the problem is that we started dating only in May, and after many discussions, we've decided we want to make this last as long as possible: perhaps even get married in our early 20s. We're both very committed because we've been hurt in past relationships, and don't want to lose love again.

The only real problem I foresee (since we talk over the internet constantly, and on the phone nearly as much) is that I'll somehow change in my maturity level when I go to college, and somehow think differently of her. She is unbelievably committed to me, which is shocking considering she's a girl (heh heh).

Anyway, since this issue is basically 100% within my control, AND I'm already anticipating it, I was just wondering if there's anything I can do to help keep the relationship strong until she can either join me from college, or I can graduate and move back home to be with her. Thanks for any input you have.

johnyto

Don't they say love has no barriers??? well, you should take that and say fuck it, for as long as it lasts, make it a blast. Ask her if she really loves you that she would do anything for you (not sex or nething like that, but more of like support, love, and understanding). If she comes up with an answer that you expected from her already, then she is your girl. Trust me, it works that way for many people...it is like a friend from school told the gang: "me and my g/f were driving around, all of sudden she wanted to listen to some different music, and she took out the cd he loved and played his favorite song...now they are married and are happy as f#%#"

Does that tell you something?

Later.

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This life is good...well, if you think of it being that way!!!

schUsseln

That year is probably the biggest gap in "maturity" that you'll ever see...that being said - if you really think you're going to mature so much, you should suddenly find yourself a sensible person, who realizes that a single year is not so much to struggle through (especially for a serious relationship).

Having been through, and out the other side of a similar relationship though, I have to tell you that for all your belief, it's one DAMN STRONG relationship that survives, healthily, from high-school on.

You may want to consider the fact that you're going away to school for access to new people, situations, outlooks, and (perhaps most importantly) relationships. And you may soon realize that you're not so interested in commitment, and want to date people in your dorm, etc.

My advice...get it in the open that you don't know how things will pan out, but that you think you're serious enough about the relationship to keep it going. That you're worried things may change, but obviously can't predict the future....that should put all four of your feet on solid ground.

As far as keeping a strong relationship. The only people I know who managed really well (and some of them didn't,) did the following:
+did not lose themselves with obession for a long distance romance...they still lived their lives, and (the key) were good to their new friends.
+visited often with their partners (in both places)
+had their partner around enough so that they had an idea of what life was like there...and the college friends became friends with the partner
+were in a HEAVILY established relationship (~3+ years)
+had NO desire to cheat (you CANNOT CHEAT, ever!!!!!!!)
+did not talk on the phone every five minutes (maybe 30mins- 1 hour ever-other-day)

Of course, your relationship may require some different handling, but I think these are good guidelines.

Also, don't forget this - trust YOURSELF, not random-ass people on the intenet!

__________________
A moral point of view too often serves as a substitue for understanding in technological matters.
-Marshal McLuhan

MacGnG

as long as you are sure you BOTH can be faithful, then i dont really see any reason not to. but since u 2 havent been together for real long u gotta really be sure and try.

chavos

its a huge year...and having done dating that crossed that line...and having gotten screwed by that...i may be bitter as i present my advice.

schUsseln has some good points, to which i would add or reword:
-Do not let this relationship rule your college experience. You are there for other reasons too. One may be growing up in ways that may not support the relationship. Or they might. But you won't know if you put your head in the sand...
-realize that you will probably at times be frustrated with her being in a high school frame of mind-asking parents for permission, etc... College will change your perceptions of what autonomy means. Know that you will have to patient.

watch the maturity differential...i know that's one of the things that tore my relationship apart-i expected her to be taking steps with her life she wasn't ready to make in terms of fixing drama and making it on her own. This was probably realistic for someone in college....but not a high school senior. I try to do these things for her, and before i know it...she's out of my life.

Dorkums642

I went through a similar situation myself a few years ago when I graduated HS. The summer before college is the most bizarre time in my life I have ever had.

Needless to say, I told my GF (of about a year) at the time that I didn't want to have to worry about maintaining a relationship while in college. I knew I was going to meet people and I knew I was going to meet someone that was going to knock my socks off (and I did).

Also, I must agree with schUsseln that the first year of college will produce the most change you have ever experience in life. Meeting entirely new people from entirely different places and living away from your parents will change you in a way you can't comprehend yet.

If I were you, I'd put the relationship in stasis for your first year of college. Maybe e-mail, chat, phone with her once a week at the MOST. It'll be hard for the first couple months until you establish your new life but you will begin to see how you are changing and she isn't. If after the first year of college you two still decide that you want to be together then go for it. If you love for each other can survive after that first year then you have a pretty good chance of keeping things alive for many years.

If you maintain your relationship, be prepared to face the temptations of flesh. As boys, we can't (at least I can't) help ourselves sometimes. I just get horny and then my mind goes to mush and I lose a rational part of my brain that would normally tell me "hands off or she'll get pissed".

Also, if you maintain your relationship you have to ration your contact with each other. For me, in my past long distance relationships I would begin to obsess and spend every moment possible thinking about being with my lover. This will become a problem when you start college because it will interfere with your ability to form friendships and aquaint yourself with new people.


I'm cutting myself off now, whatever you choose, just remember you can always change your mind

__________________
I've never come across this in real life, but then I went to a small liberal arts college so that probably didn't help.

ratbastid

You know what, nwlinkvxd? Don't follow anyone's advice about this. What you should follow is your heart.

Do you love her? Then make it work. Do you know right now what that's going to take? No. Will it take more than you expect? Probably. Do you love her? Then make it work.

Fallon

I agree with ratbastid. Now, I'm not in the same situation as you are, but I was in a first year of college this past fall while in a long distance relationship. Yes, it was hard, and it took a lot of effort but it was well worth it because we're engaged now. It all depends on your level of commitment I suppose. I wish you the best of luck on it, and keep us informed

Shujin

My situation wasn't exactly the same as this (my g/f was out of highschool but not going to a post secondary) and i can say that we made it through the first year just fine. However i will never forgive myself for the time i lost talking to her on the phone, time i could have used to be socialzing. Now that we've broken up i realize how much time i wasted on her. So i guess my advice is that you should be very sure about what you want, and also to realize that time spent in a relationship is not always time spent strenghining a realtionship. Oh and one last thing, my two motto's
1) you want it? you got it.
2) Shit happens.
remember those and there's not much in love or life you can't handle

insidious_machinae

Thanks everyone, for your advice. I guess I had a fairly good handle on the situation from what you described. A few things you said were new, but overall, it's exactly as my mom put it when I approached her about the situation: difficult, but survivable.

nym.

As his girlfriend, I commend you all for the very good advice.

clockworkgreen

Exactly what I would've said.

At 17 and 18, you don't know what you want. Get out there and look. Your one and only probably didn't grow up in your hometown....Taste the fruit 5 hours north and see how it is.

gonadman

To nym and nwlinkvxd:

I was in the EXACT SAME situation many moons ago. Our relationship lasted through my entire 4 years of college. Although we eventually split up, those years were some of the happiest of my life, and I don't regret a minute of them!

It can work if you want it bad enough. Always be honest with each other!

GOOD LUCK!!!!

__________________
For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, ...breathlessly.
-Carlos Castaneda

RichardRambone

keep her, she sounds like a great person. The college-high school gap isn't that bad if it is just one year. She will be in college next year, and it will all be good.

--
rich

peeplwatcher

I've been with my gf for 3.5 yrs now. She was 17, me 19. She was a Senior and I was a Sophomore in college. I agree that the first year will yield MANY changes within your persona, but then you settle afterwards(at least for me). Nothing wrong with long distance(we were 1200 miles apart and I saw her once a month, if that!-for 2 years).

Brutal honesty and trust is what you need to be aware of.

"Love is not love until love is vulnerable."

My 2cents.

__________________
It's not how sharp you are, but how blunt you can be.
-me

insidious_machinae

Peeplwatcher, that was a very inspiring post. Thank you very much. I need that kind of encouragement right now.

blackdas

I'm in a similar situation, so thanks to the starter of this thread and to everyone that gave him advice

FallenAvatar

The main question is, DO YOU LOVE HER?

If you can't answer that, or answer it as a no, don't go through with this. If you however do love her take all you can get, do whatever you can to love her. Five hours is nothing for a weekend. You can spend weekends with her if you want. This really falls under knowing if you love her or not.

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Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

insidious_machinae

Glad I could be of assistance Blackdas. FallenAvatar, I love her very much, and she is well-aware of my feelings, and reciprocates them. =)

nym.

I concur with your statement, sir.

Slims

Don't try to force anything.

I can absolutely positively guarantee that you will change immensely when you leave for college. It may or may not change in a way that negatively affects your relationship.

They say that on average, relationships that started in high school have ended by the time people are three months into college.

I say try to make it work...no need to jump the gun, but if you guys grow apart, then break it off cleanly.

Good Luck!

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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

gibber71

I was in exactly the same position you are in.I know every circumstance is different,but if I had to do it again,I would have ended the relationship.

Before I left,we dated 6 months.She told me it would work out,everything would be fine etc,..but I was skeptical. I knew doors would open everyday in terms of every experience imaginable ( the excitement of college,new friends etc).

Within a week,we were fighting on the phone because I didn't have 3 hours to talk to her everyday.She wanted me to come home every second weekend which was financially impossible.It got to the point where I almost quit before first term mid terms because I was so behind since I had to deal with her.She would tell me I didn't love her and accused me of cheating. The irony was that she cheated on me,but I was supposed understand because she was lonely,and also I was to blame since I went away. I dumped her that Christmas and had the time of my life for the next three and a half years.

Like I said,every circumstance is different.

pangavan

This relationship doesnt have to be doomed, but you need to be honest with yourself and keep your eyes open. Putting the relationship on hold will be kind of tricky because she will think you just want to screw around, no matter what you tell her(its a girl thing). Be prepared for both of you to have doubts...you will be in a new, exciting situation with alot more freedom, and she will be lonely with guys,(some of them your friends), hitting on her. Use your own feelings as a guage for what she may be going through.
Dont set up prearrainged talk times,or when you do call at odd time does she sound distracted or remote? When you do talk does she suddenly stop filling in details about places shes going or things she is doing? This may also go the other way, more details than you are used to getting may be a deversion.
In moments of doubt do NOT ask your friends to spy on her, it will get back to her one way or another. You need to talk to her and tell her what you are thinking and how you are feeling.

And the most important

Do not expect her to do anything you are not willing to do, if you want her to be faithful then you need to be faithful. Dont rationalize behavior that she would consider cheating. The best way to do this is to assume she will hear about everything you are doing.She just might hear, it is amazing how a friend of a friend of hers will say something about what you are doing

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He is, moreover, a frequent drunkard, a glutton, and a patron of ladies who are no better than they should be.

insidious_machinae

Sagely advice Pangavan. Thank you very much. Gibber71, while I'm glad you enjoyed the remainder of your college years, I certainly hope I don't experience the same problems you did.

la petite moi

I already know right now that I'm not going to go psycho crazy bizatch on you. We both know I can cope. Heh...I hope you do, at least.

rodimus

it's a hard decision, but if you think shes worth it, stay faithful. a year might seem like a lot at your age, but it will mean nothing when you're older. at the same time, stay open to meeting people, just as friends to start. you might meet the someone who is better for you. good luck

Nova_Dust

You gonna see tons of women in college, and meeting new people and bleh bleh bleh...

I never cheated on my partners before. So in another words, I got dumped like 5 times but hey, no one can go around my back and say I was a fucking cheater, no?

Location matters not, it is all in your mind.

dudemac

I think a first year male college student actually dematures a bit.

But 5 hours is nothing, there are hotels and motels and rest stops that you guys can meet at that don;t require you both to drive the whole way.

Also its not even a whole year its more like 9 months. Then when you think about it, you will be home for misc days. And thanksgiving, and then winter break, then Spring is the long part.

But as long as her parents are cool with her visiting for the weekend then you should have no problem except for an asshole roommate. Buy him some beer and tell him to find a place to crash

The suck thing is sping break, if your and hers does not line up it turns out to suck for both of you.

But good luck

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Dudemac
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