RangerJoe

All right, so here's the deal. I have recently acquired a boyfriend (yay, me! It's been 4 years since I've had that status). Well, I ended up seducing him over the weekend. He's a shy guy, so I assumed that was why he hasn't made any sexual advances. Well, in the midst of "doing it," he told me it was only the second time he's had sex.

AWKWARD.

The good news is that this explains why the sex was so bad. The bad news is that I have no clue how to show him how to be better. Don't get me wrong, I've been told that I'm awesome in bed. But, I've also been with some pretty experienced people.

Now, I'm a pretty passive person in the bedroom. I really don't like taking the lead. I do realize, though, that I need to be more aggressive in order to achieve bringing out HIS aggressiveness. Seeing as how I have never been the aggressive one, though, I'm not quite sure how to do this.

I really would like to end each sex session with him going "wow," though, so any suggestions are welcome. (:

Willravel

Tell him when it feels good and have him read everything in Tilted Sexuality that's been posted in the past 4 years.

RangerJoe

Yeah, I've done that, but like any man he goes with what he wants.



:P

Willravel

He allows himself to go into autopilot. That's normal in the beginning, but it has to be broken or else it will be difficult to unlearn. Besides, it's less enjoyable on autopilot.

If he doesn't follow directions, it's up to you. I'm not meaning to make him sound like a dog or something, but having been in the dog position at one point I feel I can understand it.

Martian

You'll want to change that. After all, if you don't make sure you're getting what you need, what incentive does he have? Don't get me wrong, here. I like to think that there are enough guys out there who are considerate enough to make sure that she gets hers too, but at the same time if you leave it entirely up to him, how's he going to know he needs to change?

willravel's right about the whole rookie mistake deal too. It sounds like he just needs to learn to slow down and pay attention. If he doesn't show any indication of doing that on his own you'll need to take control and set the pace, so that he can discover the joys.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Charlatan

Have more sex. A lot more sex. He will get bored with vanilla before too long.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

surferlove007

If you "train" him wrong, he could be screwed for life. pun intended
I don't see why you're trying to put so much emphasis on the sexual aspect of the relationship. Sex is great and all, but what's the rush. Relax.

Probably after each sexual session he'll go wow because he doesn't have very much to compare it to.
Never verbalize that the sex is bad either, just try to be an positive as possible. Saying it can be a real downer...(pun intended) He needs to build up his sexual confidence first off. If you're taking the lead all the time, he might expect it to be that way for every other person in the possible future.

Also sometimes when the sex is bad it just might be because there's no sexual chemistry, not because he's inexperienced. Just a thought.

Hopefully you guys will figure things out...and it won't be awkward the next go around. I dated a guy who had only had sex once, he wasn't any good in the sack either. I think we did it like 2 times before I broke up with him and left to go to Lubbock and start school. So...not trying to be negative but just bringing some perspectives to light.
Don't rush things!! Plenty of time for sex! Enjoy your proximity to one another.

Plan9

There are two ways to learn something:

Endless repetition or blunt force trauma.

...

My guess? You're not into beating him into a G-spot ninja.

You'll want to engage in said activity and get him comfortable.

He's got a lot of issues to sort out right now: his feelings for you, blowing too soon, not giving you an orgasm, not being as good as other partners, trying to figure out why he's only had sex a few times in a zillion years, etc. These things are all based on unfounded fears and comparison to things he doesn't have experience with yet. Change that.

...

It's like those Nike ads: Just do it. It gets better.

...

You're not doing it right if you don't have sore hips this weekend.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jewels

Fresh meat! You must watch his ego. Be gentle.

Say, for example, he's touching you and is slightly off the spot. Gently guide his hand over that little bit and let him know how good that feels.

I was passive (because I wanted him to show that he wanted me) until I learned that I could gain so much more enjoyment simply by showing (by guiding him physically) and eventually finding non-interruptus methods of softly and gently voicing my preferences. Even the man who's initially in it for himself will eventually see the benefits and find himself eager to please his lady.

Oh and it can't hurt to keep feeding the male ego. Shower him with praise for everything that's just right.

And don't forget to reciprocate.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

dirtyrascal7

You just need to break him of the rookie mistake of having sex simply to get off... make him slow down and focus on you, don't just let him pound away. Have him look into your eyes, guide his hips and set the pace, and when it does feel good for you, really vocalize it and let him know you like it... getting good feedback is always welcome, and it generally makes us want to try harder. When my girlfriend moans out or yells, "Oh... my... God...", that makes me want to please her even more and try to get her to moan even louder.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

Hain

I need to Ravel to back this up... but informing him like that of when it is good is like Pavlovian training... and Pavlov used dogs to come up with his ideas on conditioning. So in a sense, 'Joe would be training him like a dog...

@Ranger Joe
It definitely works to use good intuitive cues that he is doing good. I'm no G-Spot Ninja but if I hear the "Ooooo" I try much harder to hear more "ooooOOoooo"s.

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World's King

Want me to talk to him?

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Willravel

The idea behind that was to create an involuntary response to stimuli. In Pavolv's case, it was the sound of a bell triggering salivation in his dogs. In the case of above, it's more like training someone not to go into autopilot.

The closest thing in my experience to this is teaching people that already know how to drive to race. They just naturally followed their instincts when normally driving and probably have some innate bad habits that need to be broken. The nice thing with the guy mentioned in the OP is that he's still new to driving. You can break his bad habits now by gently, but firmly bossing him around a bit before the bad habits become set.

Ranger, do you need any specific stuff to point out to him?

Mantus

Get the books She Comes First and He Comes Next for each other. They are a great primer for explaining sexual arousal in both men and women. I would recommend trading books after you've finished your own as you'll both learn things about yourselves you might not have realized.

My advice is to start the process outside the bedroom. Don't wait until you've got your clothes off. Talk about what you enjoy. Give him missions for future sexual escapades.

RangerJoe

Thanks for all of the suggestions. Although I know I'm not supposed to put the emphasis on sex, I am a sex fiend- I can't help it. (; I do like the idea of lots of sex. That's like a bonus for me.

He wasn't so bad last night. And, apparently, it was the first time he's received head. He's like a little baby. Awww.


King - Luckily, I haven't pointed out who he is yet, so you can't say a word to him. Ha!

Ravel - I'm not quite sure what you mean by specifics. I don't want to kill his ego, like everyone else has said. Then again, I don't want him to think that he's doing everything right, either, because he's not. And, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to introduce new positions to him. Missionary isn't going to cut it all the time!

Willravel

Actually you two could benefit from my first time. The puppet master is where you sit on a stool of appropriate height, sitting all the way back, and he enters you from behind. This is about teaching him that changing his technique and listening are what it's all about. You tell him what works and what doesn't, and he has to be the one to change. This position would, imho, put him in a position where he could he could have vastly varied technique. Missionary and doggy, for example, don't provide as much variability. It's kinda like if someone wants to learn music it's best for them to start on a piano because you can play anything on a piano.

He should learn that a dialogue, verbal or nonverbal, is key to a mutually pleasurable experience.

World's King

Fine. Be like that.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

Willravel

That'd make for a very funny conversation on the street.

"Hey, you're that virgin who doesn't know what he's doing in the bedroom, right? Sit down, I have to explain a few things to you."

The_Jazz

I'm going to guess either Ustwo or Crompsin. Or maybe Giant Hamburger. Am I right?

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Willravel

HA!

Plan9

Jazz? You okay? That was... almost... funny.

...

Yes, I admit it. It's me. She knows I'm sensitive about my smooth spot issue.

UsTwo's already married. It's like a smooth spot... but shriveled and with cobwebs.

Giant Hamburger... uh... uhm... Well, did Jesus ever have sloppy sex?

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Martian

Oh, come on. Don't get all pouty. We all know how that conversation would go anyway and it doesn't sound like the boy's ready for hookers and coke just yet.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Willravel

No, but he got John's sloppy seconds with Mary Magdalene. OH SNAP.

Blasphemy.

RangerJoe

Remember, the discussion in here was about NOT killing his ego. =P I'm making a mental note not to let his name slip in any of our conversations.

(;

Infinite_Loser

You realize your smilies are backwards, right?

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

Plan9

They wouldn't be backward if you weren't fondling that damn bear.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

StellaLuna

He's training it.

What? Topic, right... some men don't learn, kiddo. I'm speaking from sad sad experience here. But if you've got one that will listen, I'd recommend the Highly Vocal method.

__________________
Screw tradition!

Shaindra

Yep. Some are naturally talented, some have the ability to learn and others...not so much. I vote for educational videos, more fun than books and sexier to watch together.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Charlatan

Wet. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Just had to say it again...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

The_Jazz

Sorry, I'll go back to correcting your punctuation errors immediately.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

cyklone

be really noisy, groaning and making approving noises when he gets something right, be quiet and unresponsive when he gets it wrong. He will learn very fast and it won't hurt his ego.

RangerJoe

My smilies are more awesome backwards. (:

I was thinking about introducing porn in the bedroom, but he's not big on porn. He says it's a tease, so he refuses to watch it. I'm thinking that might change, though if we watch it together?

Hain

You can make that one backwards too:

d=

Hey, he's gotta be something special in the sack if he can turn Mary around to love him. /thinks Jesus Christ SuperCop/

Nothing more to add...

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Shaindra

I wasn't thinking porn so much as one of those instructional videos. Nina Hartley does some nice "Nina's Guide" videos. They're sexy, and fully explicit, but aimed more at couples watching together. Unfortunately, most porn is not what you want to show as an example of how to be a better lover.

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

gentlesoul43

Porn's good. I had a virgin girl before and we all knew she was a virgin and she was pretty embarrassed about it. She was 25 then. So I was really surprised that on our first night, she knew her moves and could give a great blowjob. Didn't ask how it should be done, didn't ask for how long and she knew how to do the twister.

I asked later how she learnt it and she said her friends gave her some tips but it was watching the hardcore stuff that did the trick. Visuals, girl, visuals. Show him how the professionals do it!

Kaimi

It isn't really a tease if you erm finish him off afterwards. I can't see maintaining any subtleties though. Keep it real(or make it real if you prefer) if you happen to see something on the big screen that makes you hot, make sure he knows about it. Or just replay the scene? In any case, everyone is different about their preferences, you just have to loosen him up a bit.

cadre

I suspect that's where my boyfriend learned it too. He was a surprise.

Well, when my current boyfriend and I started dating he was new to sex and I was kind of new to sex but not as much with everything else. I kind of showed him somethings but I didn't realize that he was actually a virgin.

Later on we discovered the magic of communication and willingness to try new things. I'd suggest going with that.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

Kaimi

It is absolutely amazing when you can get yourself in tune with your lover. To lay flat and offer no clues to your pleasure is cheating yourself and your SO as well. To open a door and say hey, How about we try [fill in the blank] can lead to unbelievable experiences. Keep the door open, you may learn something new also.

Shauk

I dunno, i've never had that problem, if my partners suck in bed I usually don't stick with them for very long.

Kinda funny, you sound like my ex in this thread, she always comes to me to complain about the inadequacies of her current lover. I admit it does my ego good that she just has to compare everyone to me but it's annoying at the same time cuz it just reminds me that no one is utilizing my talents

Kaimi

I think a lot of it has to do with people who are just not comfortable with themselves. Feeling embarrassed about the most natural thing there is... well usually its fairly natural.