RolandGilead

Hi everybody!

Right now I have a major crisis with my relationship. I had a deep and great relationship with this girl Annie for about 6 years. We loved each other and came along really good. Both of us are 25 years old, she was the first girl I've ever had sex and a relationship with.
About three months ago however, Annie told me she is not that happy with me anymore and she wants to quit. At first I could convince her to try it again, but 3 weeks ago she went through with the separation.
I tried my best to get her back and convinced her that we could meet as friends and that I will work on my communication, her main reason for the quitting.
The first few times we met I thought everything worked out fine, we had fun but no physical contact. Then she told me again that her feelings towards me were not strong enough and that she doesn't miss me as a partner.
Again I was devastated, and it came so far that last weekend I was totally drunk and slept with another girl. It was a one night stand only, and I told Annie about it the next day.
Now she is raging mad and broke contact with me completely.
She told me that everything was becoming better with us again but now it's over.

I know that technically I was right, since we were not together it is no cheating. But this doesn't count because morally it was horribly wrong. I told her I want to change and become a better boyfriend and then I fucked another girl.

I still love her and want her back, what do you think is the right thing to do? Wait until she calms down a bit and then try to contact her?
I am already writing her emails, her answers to them are not really the nicest.
I read some advices on similar topics and many people say show her that you're sorry and that you love her. I want to try this but I don't want to turn into a stalker.
Actually I want her back but I know this won't work overnight. My first aim is to get into a good contact with her and meet her without aiming towards a new relationship. We had such a good time and I don't want to lose her in a fight. If we could separate on good terms I would feel a lot better already...

fresnelly

Hey I saw that episode of Friends! It didn't work so well for Ross either.

I'm sorry to say that it's over and there isn't much to do. Respect her wish to cut off contact and do the same. That's what she'll really appreciate. Nobody likes a mopey stalker.

Move on and maybe you'll run into her months from now when the anger has subsided and then, in a dignified manner, you can apologize to her sincerely for how things ended and share a smile about the good times that were.

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jewels

Don't waste your energy. She's moved on. Learn from this experience and take it with you as you move on.

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PonyPotato

You're probably turning her off by pursuing her further (the mopey stalker-ish-ness) when she's clearly not interested. Has she slept with someone else? I'll bet she has, and she knew she could string you along for an ego boost and/or comfort when SHE wanted it, on HER terms. When she found out that you slept with someone else, she got pissed because she realized she wasn't totally in control anymore.

Move on. It will be best for both of you.

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Push-Pull

Does this not ring totally against this?

Sounds like she's using your fling as an excuse, and "everything was becoming better" was a way of knocking you and making YOU the bad guy.

Your fling was some bad judgment, but after being told that you weren't missed as a partner, I'd say I can understand.

I'd say you're done here. Maybe send her one final sincere letter telling you that you are sorry, and that you hope that someday, perhaps you can be friends. Otherwise, move on with life.

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Ustwo

No in her mind she doesn't have to feel guilty about breaking up.

Move on, there was nothing to see here in the first place.

Though I have to wonder why you would bother to mention to someone you wanted to get back together with you had a one night stand.

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Martian

First of all, when she broke up with you that was the end of it. Seems pretty clear to me. If she doesn't feel it anymore, there's not really anything you can do to change that. Tough break.

Aside from that, I don't see where you screwed up or 'cheated' here. She expressed that she was no longer interested in being with you. You went and slept with someone else. The thing is, the instant she broke off the relationship she forfeited any and all say in who you do or do not sleep with.

Don't waste time feeling guilty and don't waste time chasing her. Move on with your life.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Hain

First thing I have to say: bummer. That is a pretty long time, and kinda strange communication was not worked out earlier in the relationship.

Second, that was a fairly useless move telling her you had a one night stand. Not good conversation, regardless of your feelings for her.

Third, she is your first. First's have a lasting impression, but that is because of all the chemicals in your head that you haven't quite experienced before.

Fourth, yeah she probably had a little power high somewhere deep inside that you still wanted her. When you said, "Had a one night stand," and popped that, she got mad and most likely said things that would be like salt in the wounds. Happens all the time.

So the hard part now is to move on from this long relationship. Just don't lose yourself thinking you can get her back or get back at her. It doesn't make you any better than you are today.

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Jinn

What he said.

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Shauk

sorrry your post just made me think of this



if she's the one who initiated the whole "casual" period then maybe she wasn't completely honest herself about why.

she's just mad cuz you beat her to it.

RolandGilead

Thanks for your answers up to now!
But, dammit, no one saying that I should look for more contact. As I said I would be glad already if we could end this on good terms.

The contradiction betwen her saying that she thought it's over and her reaction now is the main problem I think. I probably hit her while she was seriously thinking about coming back to me.

I told her about the fling for 2 reasons: First (and really more important) I want to stay honest towards her and couldn't lie to her on such a scale.
Second (for those of you who think I'm completly irrational) there is a slight chance that she might have found out, the other girl was not a complete stranger (but far from even being an acquaintance).

You are also right when you say that she had a high whilst knowing she could come back to me anytime, and this is now destroyed. She even admitted this.
I am also sure that she does not have had any other guys since getting together with me. I know that I can trust her in this point.

And Ross was only in a relationship break! And he wasn't even honest to Rachel and tried to hide his affair...so I'm still better than him

Well it's just a day or so since I told her, if she is still disgusted by me in a few weeks, I probably start to realize that it's over

ratbastid

Stick to your guns. It's semantically impossible to cheat on an ex. So if she feels cheated on, in her mind she isn't (or, more likely, wasn't) an ex.

RolandGilead

This is the fucking problem! She quits and then acts as if we are still together.
On the other hand I understand her anger, I was telling her that I still love her and will do anything to get back together with her, and then I fuck with the first skank I meet.

Hain

Correction- fucked the first skank you met while drunk.

Look if you want to stop being the creepy stalker-type but want your last bit of piece said to her you do this:

Send her an email: "Last time I will try to get in contact with you"

You say you want to meet to say your last bit of piece to her face. If she doesn't want to see you, attach a document that has your final words to say to her. Mention if she doesn't even read that, then it is over between you two.

Mention this: she can't be the one that feels hurt when she broke up the relationship. She can't be angry when you two weren't even trying to "work things through" because she wasn't your girl, and she wasn't even trying to be your girl. Any mention of, "When I was trying to come back to you," is meaningless when spoken too late. What you did when drunk (not an excuse by my standpoint but understandable) after all the things she has said to you, shouldn't make her like this.

Then say you're not going to try and contact her unless she wants to. That way the ball is in her court and she can gossip to all her friends how you are trying to manipulate this to make her seem at fault.

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snowy

Amen.

I know this is your first breakup, but trust me...it's better if it's clean. Just walk away. Don't call her, don't write, don't text, don't IM...just walk away. She is trying to emotionally manipulate you, and you don't want to be with a person like that. This kind of drama prolongs itself unless you have the balls to put an end to it and walk away.

Don't be her bitch.

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Willravel

She's an idiot (to be blunt, but honest). If she didn't want you to be with other people, she should have been with you. She can't ask you to be celibate and separated from her.

Go find someone who won't treat you like garbage.

ItWasMe

She expressed that she no longer had interest in you. She left you. She made you single. Then you acted like a single guy. Ok, a drunk single guy, but a single guy nonetheless. I see no problem here, no cheating, no deception, no breach of trust. Tell this to her if she later "has a change of heart" but has a problem "learning to trust you again." I think at this point, I would refrain from attempting further contact.

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Hain

Unless you are into that sort of stuff.

Just hold tight, be strong. It's a learning experience. Don't end up with Chris Daughtry's It's Not Over as your anthem (I do like that song, despite Chris being from that show I refused to acknowledge).

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RolandGilead

You all have a point in your argumentation. Although I refuse to agree with onesnowyowl who says that she is emotionally manipulating me. I know her and she is not that kind of girl (really), i think she is just really confused with her emotions (just like I am) and made some mistakes.
After she quit she started to like me again and then I shocked her.

The vodka could certainly be used as a kind of an apology, but I hate to do this in a serious discussion. I did what I did and not the booze.

As I said I can understand her reaction right now but if she does not change her behaviour in the next weeks after she had some time to reflect I think I write her a letter like Augi proposed. Although I hope to resolve this personally.

robot_parade

Don't 'keep trying' with her. Really, just don't. There is no possibly good that could come of it. Unless you count her half-heartedly getting back together with you for a few more months to 'try again', and then going through this all over again (probably with more drama) as "good". The other option is that you will fall into the 'stalker' category, which you just don't want.

It's over dude. You (like many of us) just don't want to admit it yet.

Oh, and I think you were fine to tell her 'the truth', so long as you didn't tell her that you cheated on her...because that's not what happened. She will still use it as an excuse to you, and to herself, for being angry with you.

World's King

First off... You don't lover. You love the idea of her. You fucked someone else. I don't care if you were drunk or not.

How the fuck do you expect her to forgive you?


YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!


And for some dumb reason you're blaming it on her. You realize that don't you?

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

RolandGilead

As a masculine human being I think I am able to have sex with someone whom I do not love, while loving someone else. The reasons why I am not doing this (and have never done it) in a close relationship are that her feelings are more important to me and that she trusts me. If she tells me that she has no or just very few feelings for me and does not want me as her partner I technically have no problem with sleeping with someone else.

It's just the age old problem that women DON'T TELL YOU WHAT THEY MEAN!

at least this is my view right now...

Hain

Agree with this.

Yea with you there.

Um... she wasn't dating him at the time. Last she said to him was that he shouldn't hold his breath.

He fed the monster in his pants, whoop-di-shit! It wasn't like he was fucking this girl on a regular basis or was trying to have a relationship with exhibit-B[road].


I agree, can't exactly blame her, but you can't give her points for not telling him what she might have been feeling.

@ RolandGilead:
I hope you do realize that I tell you to write that to her, with all expectation that you will work to drop her like a bad habit after you say your peace. If she says, "Let's try again," don't. Move on. Stupid saying but a true one, "If you love something let it go. If it loves you, it'll come back." You made your intentions clear (not fucking some girl, but you made it clear you wanted to go back), she did not to you. You do not owe that past relationship anything.

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RolandGilead

Had a talk with her just now. Somehow she seems to be more upset with whom I had sex. She belongs to a circle of acquaintances of mine who are not really, well, 'good', and said girl is not really attractive
I think she thinks that they seduced me with drugs or something

damn, I thought she would sober up.
Still hope I can talk with her in a few weeks on a normal basis.

World's King

What part of "Move On" do you not understand?

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Hain

Go do your own thing.

While I agree, let's be honest. I bet back when you were just the World's Prince, you had a first that was hard to get over. The knowledge that you must "move on" was not compelling enough for you to do so immediately.

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World's King

First off... I've always been the King.


Second off... I know that if it was supposed to happen, it will. There is no need to force it.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Hain

Forgive an ignorant nave, Your Highness.

Force it, of course not. Still desire to be in that comfortable relationship, understandable. I never imagined that after a three year relationship I could say, "PPPPPPSST, Jog on!" That first really made me realize just how naive I was...

Don't worry RolandGilead. After the first layer of bitter contempt washes off, you get better.

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World's King

You're forgiven.


See, I'm in the process of losing the girl I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. She's not happy. And because I love... I want her to be happy. So she's moving three states away to be closer to her family. If it was meant to be then we will be together again.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Hain

Exactly. Bummer though.

At least you have TFP'er here to vent to and super mod around. [We're doomed]

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surferlove007

Dude...she's done. let her fly away.

When I broke up with my high school boyfriend he would constantly call me and beg for me to take him back. I severed the connection for a long time. He finally got the message. I didn't feel anything for him except pity.

Luke Cage

Just take her out to dinner and tell her how much you love her...

Get her to give you a big "guiltfuck" and make sure you pound those meat curtains.

For the finishing touches, fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on her curtains and calmy walk out while telling her you feel you need time to "find yourself."

Throw a 20 on the table, tell her to buy something pretty and walk out, head held up high.

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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." ~ Mitch Hedberg

inBOIL

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

evilbeefchan

She's probably angry that you got the revenge lay before she did.

I remember my first breakup, where I tried the whole "lets be friends and see if anything sparks up again." (She was the one that broke it off). Of course, once I mentioned the new girl I was dating, she flipped.

Daniel_

You cannot use logic in affairs of the heart.

She has convinced herself that you killed it by screwing another girl.

Her extreme reaction shows that she felt a sense of ownership over you that her words earlier did not support - this shows that she is a poor communicator.

She broke up with you and then admitted that she still wanted to be cross when you acted like you'd broken up - this shows that she doesn't know what she wants.

Even if you work everything out, you'll still have a relationship with a poor communicator that doesn't know what she wants.

This is recipe for disaster.

The coolest and most adult thing you can do (and the only one that I can see has any chance of granting you peace, sanity, and maybe the chance of a healthy relationship with someone in future) is to walk away and go cold turkey for a while.

If you cut off all communication with her - do not initiate emails, respond to any she sends you with "thanks for getting in touch, I'll let you know" and then answer whatever genuine questions she has, but don't get drawn into dialogue about who did what and who said what; if you do this, you will both have a chance to calm down.

Once calm (took me and my ex a couple of months, ended in amicable divorce, but previous cases for me and others ended in rehabilitation as friends or lovers) you can get on with your life, she can get on with hers.

Possible outcomes of this calm strategy:

1 - You both realise you still care for each other
2 - You both realise it's time to move on
3 - one of you wants to be together the other doesn't

1 & 2 are win/win.
3 results in resentment or at best a pity fuck.

If you want a relationship of resentment and hatred, keep chasing her, because right now you're at 3 - you cannot get from 3 to 1 by nagging.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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Hain

The hell one can't!

But good advice, that is a more thought out direction I was trying for, it's what I finally figured out works.

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Hardknock

You make a damn good point my friend.

I'm going through the very same shit with my wife right now, and she is exactly what you described. She can't communicate worth a shit. And she has a controlling mentality where she always has to be right. First, she gets pissed off at me when I fail to make her feel better by saying exactly what she wants to hear exactly when she wants to hear it anytime she's in a down mood. Second, she subscribes to the notion of, "If you love me I shouldn't have to tell you what to say, you should already know." How the fuck am I supposed to know what's she's feeling if she doesn't fucking tell me?!? Third, she doesn't tell me what shes thinking or what she's feeling at any give time. I'm just "supposed to know" if I love her.

Anyway, after 11 years of that, she says she wants a divorce. Says I don't pay attention to her anymore. I don't respect her enough to consider her feelings. (I still have no clue what the are half the time because she doesn't speak up!) And that I'm the one who needs to change because I don't talk to her. Nevermind that she won't accept partial responsibility because of the fact that she doesn't say shit regarding her feelings and I supposed to read her mind and play guessing games with her feelings forever. She can't see that it's driving me away and that's the reason why I'm clamming up. She's so fucking stubborn she'd rather see our 11 year marriage go down in flames rather that admit she was wrong and try to fix this.

Anyway, I'm at the point where I just wanna say fuck it and cut off all contact with her. We have a kid too so it's not that simple. But she's really starting to piss me off.

ItWasMe

Does she really think the girl would have to resort to drugging you, because she is so unattractive? Maybe she is worried about STD's that could have been passed to you?

Sometimes women get nasty when they think they are being 'replaced' (even temporarily) by someone they deem less attractive than themselves. Because if someone replaces you, they trade up. Which would make her less attractive than the "unattractive newcomer."

Sometimes women really sharpen their claws if they think they are being 'replaced' by someone who they see as more attractive then them...and feel the urge to pick apart the other woman in any way possible.

I am a woman, and I don't pretend to understand the sense of these games. But I have seen acquaintances play them. It is partly why most of my friends are male. No games; just sports.

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

rlbond86

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're being a pussy. Women, without exception, do not like pussies. If you want her back, you need to take a risk, not just stay in "maybeland" where you're safe.

Augi's idea is a good one. The point is, let her know that she has one chance to get back with you and try to work things out. But you have to stick to your guns. If she says no, that means no for sure. Trust me, being a pussy is the least attractive thing you can do. Be a man, get a sure answer one way or the other -- even if it's not the one you want. You can do it.

She is NOT going to just magically come back. Say the preceding sentence out loud several times until you get it in your head.

Daniel_

Sounds exactly like my 17 year relationship/marriage. Turned out that the main reason that she felt I couldn't communicate and wanted a change was that she was fucking a guy she met online.

Not saying that you are in that place (either of the guys posting) but I have learned the painful way that if you cannot communicate, you cannot truly be in love.

Repeat after me, the TFP mantra: Communicate, communicate, communicate.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝