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Originally Posted by Daniel_
You cannot use logic in affairs of the heart.
She has convinced herself that you killed it by screwing another girl.
Her extreme reaction shows that she felt a sense of ownership over you that her words earlier did not support - this shows that she is a poor communicator.
She broke up with you and then admitted that she still wanted to be cross when you acted like you'd broken up - this shows that she doesn't know what she wants.
Even if you work everything out, you'll still have a relationship with a poor communicator that doesn't know what she wants.
This is recipe for disaster.
The coolest and most adult thing you can do (and the only one that I can see has any chance of granting you peace, sanity, and maybe the chance of a healthy relationship with someone in future) is to walk away and go cold turkey for a while.
If you cut off all communication with her - do not initiate emails, respond to any she sends you with "thanks for getting in touch, I'll let you know" and then answer whatever genuine questions she has, but don't get drawn into dialogue about who did what and who said what; if you do this, you will both have a chance to calm down.
Once calm (took me and my ex a couple of months, ended in amicable divorce, but previous cases for me and others ended in rehabilitation as friends or lovers) you can get on with your life, she can get on with hers.
Possible outcomes of this calm strategy:
1 - You both realise you still care for each other
2 - You both realise it's time to move on
3 - one of you wants to be together the other doesn't
1 & 2 are win/win.
3 results in resentment or at best a pity fuck.
If you want a relationship of resentment and hatred, keep chasing her, because right now you're at 3 - you cannot get from 3 to 1 by nagging.
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You make a damn good point my friend.
I'm going through the very same shit with my wife right now, and she is exactly what you described. She can't communicate worth a shit. And she has a controlling mentality where she always has to be right. First, she gets pissed off at me when I fail to make her feel better by saying exactly what she wants to hear exactly when she wants to hear it anytime she's in a down mood. Second, she subscribes to the notion of, "If you love me I shouldn't have to tell you what to say, you should already know." How the fuck am I supposed to know what's she's feeling if she doesn't fucking tell me?!? Third, she doesn't tell me what shes thinking or what she's feeling at any give time. I'm just "supposed to know" if I love her.
Anyway, after 11 years of that, she says she wants a divorce. Says I don't pay attention to her anymore. I don't respect her enough to consider her feelings. (I still have no clue what the are half the time because she doesn't speak up!) And that I'm the one who needs to change because I don't talk to her. Nevermind that she won't accept partial responsibility because of the fact that she doesn't say shit regarding her feelings and I supposed to read her mind and play guessing games with her feelings forever. She can't see that it's driving me away and that's the reason why I'm clamming up. She's so fucking stubborn she'd rather see our 11 year marriage go down in flames rather that admit she was wrong and try to fix this.
Anyway, I'm at the point where I just wanna say fuck it and cut off all contact with her. We have a kid too so it's not that simple. But she's really starting to piss me off.