What does this mean? Ladies input please. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Shauk · 10-06-2007, 07:25 PM

ok so if a member of tfp came on here, a female, and said..

"I miss my ex, but i'm afraid that if we get back together I will fuck it up somehow and lose him forever, right now, we still talk, we still spend time together but we're just like a couple who isn't intimate. Well last night, even though he's moving over here in 2 weeks, theres this guy at work who reminds me of my ex, a lot, we're probably good friends because of this, because one of my peeves is missing teeth and this guy doesn't have his, but he's nice to me. He keeps asking me out and I keep saying no, but we wound up hanging out together anyway one night, and we made out. What does this mean? I'm not attracted to him, he's just got a great personality"

how would you respond?

would it be any different than if I wrote

my ex just told me all of this last night.

honestly? to me, it makes perfect sense. She missed me, i'm over there in 2 weeks, she's terrified that she's going to fuck up with me, the real deal, so she lets some "replacement" try to fill in for me, but realizes that it just aint gonna happen.

She fessed up to kissy face.

now, aside from my personal situation/involvement in this. IS this a valid coping mechanism? Is this how some people cope with losing exes that they didn't want to?

the "real deal" is here
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/journal...l&j=916#e21653

I just don't care enough to get upset over it I guess, cuz it makes sense to me. *shrug*

perhaps because i've done something similar in the past.

the timing kinda sucks but meh, I honestly don't believe she planned it, he's been hounding her for 3 months, i'm surprised at the same time though.

ratbastid · 10-06-2007, 07:31 PM

How people cope is how people cope. It's all "valid", as far as that goes.

Sounds like you're coping pretty well yourself. Good work.

Hyacinthe · 10-06-2007, 07:53 PM

I'm sorry but

Quote:

"well, I guess it's no big deal, we're not dating, but uh, it's sending me the wrong message to tell me that you're telling other people that we're getting back together and then for you to turn around and start making fish faces with some guy at work"

made me laugh

Personally I would tell her to stop making out / snogging / sleeping / fucking other guys and her apparent boyfriend until she figures out how the heck she does feel - not fair to them or to her for her to be leading multiple guys on that way when she doesn't mean any of it.

She does sound guilty about it but for me cheating is cheating not something I could handle in a monogamus relationship.

As for the would I give different advice to a guy - I like to think I wouldn't, I would still think his actions were wrong but that it's cause he's messed up emotionally at the moment instead of just being malicious.

oddtrend · 10-06-2007, 08:05 PM

This is a tough one, mostly due to everyone of course being different and all. I've always thought of these situations as something you had to ride out like going down a river in a small boat. You'll never really know what to think or do untill it comes up. I suppose all you really can do is keep looking forward and find your own strengths and weaknesses in what your comfortable accepting.

xxxafterglow · 10-07-2007, 04:55 AM

Ah that's why you're moving to Renton.

Yes, it sounds like she misses you but has those lingering issues. If she were totally into your relationship, she wouldn't be making out with him at all.

Sorry Shauk this sounds like bad news to me. You will have to deal with her issues for the first few months of your relationship. Hope you're not living together!!!!!

When getting back with an ex, you should establish your own life first (your new diet, your new job, your new apartment) and be happy with that - then see if you belong together. Esp. cuz you mentioned waffling about the decision to move to Renton... only get back with the ex when you are both 100% committed to starting again. Deal with your baggage first and start fresh.

<--- speaking from experience. I still live with him. We are still dealing with my issues!!!

I often wonder if we got back together too soon but what's done is done.

Shauk · 10-07-2007, 11:34 AM

well she's both in the position to be specifically and not specifically why i'm moving. I mean, yes, we're going to be living together because I wouldn't have a place to stay otherwise until I get my eggs lined up to hatch, the Job, school options and so on.

but at the same time I can't say her alone would make me want to move over there as she's been a rather constant source of conflict.

in any case, when I show up, she'll have to deal with me head on instead of this phone tag/myspace/msn nonsense. It's too easy to have "incomplete" snapshots of conversations, theres no body language to be had then.

so yeah i've always wanted to live in that area, and she's enabling that for me with her offer. She's obviously got her own interests at heart by doing so, and I have mine for accepting. It's just a matter of alignment when I show up to see if things are going to work out or not.

xxxafterglow · 10-08-2007, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shauk

well she's both in the position to be specifically and not specifically why i'm moving. I mean, yes, we're going to be living together because I wouldn't have a place to stay otherwise until I get my eggs lined up to hatch, the Job, school options and so on.

but at the same time I can't say her alone would make me want to move over there as she's been a rather constant source of conflict.

in any case, when I show up, she'll have to deal with me head on instead of this phone tag/myspace/msn nonsense. It's too easy to have "incomplete" snapshots of conversations, theres no body language to be had then.

so yeah i've always wanted to live in that area, and she's enabling that for me with her offer. She's obviously got her own interests at heart by doing so, and I have mine for accepting. It's just a matter of alignment when I show up to see if things are going to work out or not.

COME ON SHAUK....

Let's be honest. You are moving out there to be with her. The other stuff is secondary. Out of everywhere in the world that you could live (and many places are perfectly affordable, warm, tropical, fun), the place you want to go the most is RENTON, WA??????

Be real with yourself. You're getting back together. Gotta point out that this sounds like co-dependent behavior but like I said, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to get over the ex.

You will do yourself a HUGE favor though if you can see this for what it is and stop viewing your situation through rose-colored lenses. You've posted all over TFP about your relationship with her so obviously the arrangement is more than just a place to crash til you get your shit together.

1. Are you sleeping in the same bed? Ok, you're together.
2. Is getting back together a potentially batshit idea? YES. This is the girl that in your words is a "constant source of conflict."
3. Are you going to do it anyway? You sure are.
4. Do we buy your front of being emotionally detached from her and therefore immune to the immense heart-wrenching despair she can and will wreak? Nope.

Be honest with yourself.

Shauk, this is the only way I can kick your ass about this because you need it. Sorry if it comes off harsh but you are the smarter and more mature one in this relationship. Don't let her drag you down again. Keep your head.

Plan9 · 10-08-2007, 09:32 AM

Instructions for survival:

Hit the guy with your metal lunchbox.

Hit her with your metal lunchbox.

Move to Columbia, South Carolina.

cj2112 · 10-08-2007, 10:16 AM

I'll say it again, until you stop surrounding yourse;f with people who treat you like shit, people will always treat you like shit.

She treats you like shit, there is a good chance that inside of 6 months she is going to throw your ass out, or cheat on you. Is the risk worth the benefit?

10-06-2007, 07:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	What does this mean? Ladies input please. ok so if a member of tfp came on here, a female, and said.. "I miss my ex, but i'm afraid that if we get back together I will fuck it up somehow and lose him forever, right now, we still talk, we still spend time together but we're just like a couple who isn't intimate. Well last night, even though he's moving over here in 2 weeks, theres this guy at work who reminds me of my ex, a lot, we're probably good friends because of this, because one of my peeves is missing teeth and this guy doesn't have his, but he's nice to me. He keeps asking me out and I keep saying no, but we wound up hanging out together anyway one night, and we made out. What does this mean? I'm not attracted to him, he's just got a great personality" how would you respond? would it be any different than if I wrote my ex just told me all of this last night. honestly? to me, it makes perfect sense. She missed me, i'm over there in 2 weeks, she's terrified that she's going to fuck up with me, the real deal, so she lets some "replacement" try to fill in for me, but realizes that it just aint gonna happen. She fessed up to kissy face. now, aside from my personal situation/involvement in this. IS this a valid coping mechanism? Is this how some people cope with losing exes that they didn't want to? the "real deal" is here http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/journal...l&j=916#e21653 I just don't care enough to get upset over it I guess, cuz it makes sense to me. shrug perhaps because i've done something similar in the past. the timing kinda sucks but meh, I honestly don't believe she planned it, he's been hounding her for 3 months, i'm surprised at the same time though.

10-06-2007, 08:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
oddtrend Upright Location: Adams Center, N.Y.	This is a tough one, mostly due to everyone of course being different and all. I've always thought of these situations as something you had to ride out like going down a river in a small boat. You'll never really know what to think or do untill it comes up. I suppose all you really can do is keep looking forward and find your own strengths and weaknesses in what your comfortable accepting. __________________ I've got mood posioning, It must have been something that I hate

10-07-2007, 04:55 AM	#5 (permalink)
xxxafterglow Crazy Location: Berlin	Ah that's why you're moving to Renton. Yes, it sounds like she misses you but has those lingering issues. If she were totally into your relationship, she wouldn't be making out with him at all. Sorry Shauk this sounds like bad news to me. You will have to deal with her issues for the first few months of your relationship. Hope you're not living together!!!!! When getting back with an ex, you should establish your own life first (your new diet, your new job, your new apartment) and be happy with that - then see if you belong together. Esp. cuz you mentioned waffling about the decision to move to Renton... only get back with the ex when you are both 100% committed to starting again. Deal with your baggage first and start fresh. <--- speaking from experience. I still live with him. We are still dealing with my issues!!! I often wonder if we got back together too soon but what's done is done. __________________ Uh huh her.

10-08-2007, 09:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Instructions for survival: Hit the guy with your metal lunchbox. Hit her with your metal lunchbox. Move to Columbia, South Carolina. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

10-06-2007, 07:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	How people cope is how people cope. It's all "valid", as far as that goes. Sounds like you're coping pretty well yourself. Good work.

10-07-2007, 11:34 AM	#6 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	well she's both in the position to be specifically and not specifically why i'm moving. I mean, yes, we're going to be living together because I wouldn't have a place to stay otherwise until I get my eggs lined up to hatch, the Job, school options and so on. but at the same time I can't say her alone would make me want to move over there as she's been a rather constant source of conflict. in any case, when I show up, she'll have to deal with me head on instead of this phone tag/myspace/msn nonsense. It's too easy to have "incomplete" snapshots of conversations, theres no body language to be had then. so yeah i've always wanted to live in that area, and she's enabling that for me with her offer. She's obviously got her own interests at heart by doing so, and I have mine for accepting. It's just a matter of alignment when I show up to see if things are going to work out or not.

10-08-2007, 10:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
cj2112 Unbelievable Location: Grants Pass OR	I'll say it again, until you stop surrounding yourse;f with people who treat you like shit, people will always treat you like shit. She treats you like shit, there is a good chance that inside of 6 months she is going to throw your ass out, or cheat on you. Is the risk worth the benefit?