How to say no - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Hyacinthe · 08-03-2007, 03:56 AM

Ok I find myself in a complex situation which may or may not be of my own making.

The younger brother of a friend of mine just got released from police custody a few months ago because he was accused of rape (all charges were dropped, the girl that accused him was lying and that became very obvious when she was questioned). Since he was released he's had more then a few problems interacting with people, especially girls. Part of this is that his parents are understandably nervous about him being alone with a girl incase the situation repeats and another part is that he's more tentative with approaching girls. The few times he has built up the coourage oflate he has been mercilessly shot down. He doesn't have any problems however in talking or confiding in me especially about things he finds hard to discuss with his family.

He's just asked me out. I'm looking for a way to say no without doing any damage to his confidenceor our friendship.

So guys give me some advice, what's the nicest way a girl has ever refused your romantic advances?

Terrell · 08-03-2007, 04:00 AM

The standard "you're not my type" should do. It gets the point across, without being nasty about it.

pig · 08-03-2007, 04:42 AM

hyacinthe, you've got an easy out. find some way to tell him that you're not comfortable with it because of your friendship with his older sister/brother. start throwing in versions of the old standard 'i think you're really cute, but i just don't see you that way' which is a modification of the 'it's not you, it's me' line...which was modified for just these situations.

Siege · 08-03-2007, 04:00 PM

There is no easy way to do it. Either way, he's going to be hurt. But he's going to be a lot more hurt if you aren't clear and lead him on.

Plan9 · 08-03-2007, 04:55 PM

I'd recommend honesty, but most people don't have the mental muscle for it.

Your other option is feed him some boolsheet.

MrFriendly · 08-03-2007, 05:09 PM

Siege, it's not that either way he's going to be hurt. But there's few ways you can say no that won't damage his ego, even if just slightly.

Hyacinthe, this is definitely a tricky one. He sounds like right now he's a pretty sensitive soul, and under the circumstance it probably took him a lot to just come out and ask you out.

You know all to well there is no point fucking this guy around to protect his feelings, because it will only end badly.

Unfortunately though, there is no easy way to say 'Let's just be friends' without it sounding cliche, even when you mean it. But you will have let him down gently gently.

Eh, if it were me, I'd rather you just say it upfront up as soon as you can, state exactly what your intentions are and how you see me. And we can go from there. But I'm an absolute glutton for emotional punishment. I really don't think that will work in this case.

But if anything, just be honest with him, answer his questions as best you can. Try to be patient with him. He should get the idea pretty soon. But then again I've seen this happen so many times, some guys can man up and just take it in stride and still be good friends, others don't handle it well at all.

It's tough call. I hope what ever you decide to do pans out ok.

ItWasMe · 08-03-2007, 05:16 PM

I have asked out one guy in my entire life. And was turned down f-l-a-t. It was the old "but if it didn't work out, it would ruin our friendship" line. Bah!

I like Pig's "I don't date my friends' siblings. I would hate to ruin my friendship with them."

Push-Pull · 08-03-2007, 06:28 PM

There is a point related to this topic, I promise.....

I was turned down by a girl I knew in high school for pretty much the "let's not ruin the friendship" reason. What made this completely bearable was that she then offered to "coach" me through getting girls of my own accord. I got crash courses in fashion, conversation, what was corny, what wasn't, even what turned girls on. Now I didn't become a rock star or anything, but those pointers I received from that girl really did lead to me being a hell of a lot more confident, which was exactly what I needed.

I don't know if it will help the OP, but wanted to bring it up in case it may be an option.

Mister Coaster · 08-03-2007, 07:22 PM

^^ What he said. And the EXACT same senario happened to me, but in college.

If you say "let's just be friends." then being a true friend after giving him that line is the best thing.

robot_parade · 08-03-2007, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siege

There is no easy way to do it. Either way, he's going to be hurt. But he's going to be a lot more hurt if you aren't clear and lead him on.

Quoting for truth.

I've never been in the situation he's been in...I can't imagine how fucked up he is emotionally right now. If you can manage to be his friend without letting the sex thing get involved, that would probably be good for him.

Siege · 08-03-2007, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrFriendly

Siege, it's not that either way he's going to be hurt. But there's few ways you can say no that won't damage his ego, even if just slightly.

But you just said right there that his ego will be damaged slightly.

What I meant was that this person will be hurt to SOME degree regardless of what you do. I mean he is after all getting turned down. I don't think anybody can be ecstatic when that happens.

Willravel · 08-03-2007, 10:15 PM

Willravel, in response to a woman making advances recently:
"I'm very flattered, but I'm married."

Willravel, in response to a woman before getting married:
"It was a pleasure to meet you, goodnight."

Gorgeous model, Miami, circa 2001ish, after a world class chatting up by yours truly:
"Thanks for the talk, goodnight."

Dawson70 · 08-03-2007, 11:30 PM

He will adapt...later. Let him go through his changes and as he grows, his opinion will change....trust me

healer · 08-04-2007, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willravel

Willravel, in response to a woman making advances recently:
"I'm very flattered, but I'm married."

Willravel, in response to a woman before getting married:
"It was a pleasure to meet you, goodnight."

Gorgeous model, Miami, circa 2001ish, after a world class chatting up by yours truly:
"Thanks for the talk, goodnight."

Showoff.

Redlemon · 08-04-2007, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyacinthe

Ok I find myself in a complex situation which may or may not be of my own making.

The younger brother of a friend of mine just got released from police custody a few months ago because he was accused of rape (all charges were dropped, the girl that accused him was lying and that became very obvious when she was questioned). Since he was released he's had more then a few problems interacting with people, especially girls. Part of this is that his parents are understandably nervous about him being alone with a girl incase the situation repeats and another part is that he's more tentative with approaching girls. The few times he has built up the coourage oflate he has been mercilessly shot down. He doesn't have any problems however in talking or confiding in me especially about things he finds hard to discuss with his family.

He's just asked me out. I'm looking for a way to say no without doing any damage to his confidenceor our friendship.

So guys give me some advice, what's the nicest way a girl has ever refused your romantic advances?

Nowhere in this post do you say why you don't want to date him. I can make some assumptions, but that's pointless. You know the reason.

Perhaps simply writing that out to us will clarify to you what you want/need to do?

World's King · 08-04-2007, 05:12 PM

Redlemon... I was wondering the same thing.

Why do you have to say no? Cause of the rape thing?

Hyacinthe · 08-04-2007, 05:50 PM

It has nothing to do with the rape thing - sorry I was a little unspecific.

I have a few reasons

1) he's 16 and there's a few years age gap between the two of us, while this might not have been an issue if he was a bit older atm when I look at him I see a 16yr old kid not an adult.

2) He's the brother of one of my best friends and a close friend of mine I honestly don't want to screw that up by letting sex get involved, I know some people stay close friends with their ex but the majority of those I know don't.

3) Maybe most importantly I don't want a relationship atm. Sure I like a fuck every now and then but that's what my FwB are for. I just cbf with the whole having to go and see him and do stuff etc etc

4) I think he might only be looking for an easy lay. He knows that I have sex outside of a committed relationship and some guys believe if you do that you'll fuck pretty much anything that comes along, sure I like sex but I'm picky about who I let share that experience with me.

does that help?

albania · 08-04-2007, 07:12 PM

Keep it short and vague, then pretend like he never asked you out in the first place. But, more seriously, if all he wants is an easy lay and not a relationship then tell him the truth that you don't want to go out with him. It might be the simplest thing to do, and if it's only a sex thing I'm sure it won't hurt his feelings too much. Even if he does get hurt, the worst thing that might happen is he beats off and cries himself to sleep, or if he’s an industrious man beats off and cries while falling asleep. I haven’t been in his situation, so I don’t know how helpful that really was.

ngdawg · 08-04-2007, 07:14 PM

Then be honest by using 1,2,3....wouldn't touch #4.
"You're too young for me, you're my friend's baby brother and I don't want a relationship right now".
Done.

MuMan · 08-04-2007, 08:47 PM

When you have trouble saying 'no' you usually end up doing things you don't want to do..trust me, best approach is ahhh 'no'...thanks.

MrFriendly · 08-05-2007, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siege

But you just said right there that his ego will be damaged slightly.

What I meant was that this person will be hurt to SOME degree regardless of what you do. I mean he is after all getting turned down. I don't think anybody can be ecstatic when that happens.

I guess it depends on your idea of 'hurt'.

I tend to associate hurt with having your heart smashed against a wall. You know, that emotional shut down so bad it physically hurts?

If I asked out a girl whom I thought liked me and she said no, it would be a hit to my ego, but it wouldn't hurt me.

If it were walking in on the woman I love fucking my best friend.....ouchies....that shit hurts.

Edit

Hyacinthe, the little guy is only 16 and had to go through all of that!!?

Hmm, you know, if he doesn't deal with what's happened and the issues he's dealing with now, he could develop some pretty debilitating social neurosis later on.

I think if you can find a way for him to just hang out with girls more (especially ones his own age) it will help him a lot.

World's King · 08-05-2007, 10:23 AM

I agree with MrFriendly... If he doesn't get past all this shit now, he stands a really good chance of actually raping a girl in the future.

Help him. In any way you see fit.

Redlemon · 08-06-2007, 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ngdawg

Then be honest by using 1,2,3....wouldn't touch #4.
"You're too young for me, you're my friend's baby brother and I don't want a relationship right now".
Done.

I remember hearing a rule in the past: "If you give more than one reason, you aren't giving the real reason." Not to say that you don't legitimately have more than one completely valid reason, but I would recommend picking whichever is your primary reason, and just using that one.

Also, Reason #4 obviates #3. If you do have casual sex, and he knows that, and you tell him that you don't want a relationship, he may either ask or wonder "but, why won't you just fuck me"? #1 and #2 are facts, and nothing that he can change: I'd stick with one of those two.

bluestars87 · 08-06-2007, 09:20 AM

"I just don't feel that way about you. Sorry".

cyklone · 08-06-2007, 03:14 PM

Or, "I think of you like a brother, I couldn't get my head around dating you".

08-03-2007, 03:56 AM	#1 (permalink)
Hyacinthe Psycho Location: Australia	How to say no Ok I find myself in a complex situation which may or may not be of my own making. The younger brother of a friend of mine just got released from police custody a few months ago because he was accused of rape (all charges were dropped, the girl that accused him was lying and that became very obvious when she was questioned). Since he was released he's had more then a few problems interacting with people, especially girls. Part of this is that his parents are understandably nervous about him being alone with a girl incase the situation repeats and another part is that he's more tentative with approaching girls. The few times he has built up the coourage oflate he has been mercilessly shot down. He doesn't have any problems however in talking or confiding in me especially about things he finds hard to discuss with his family. He's just asked me out. I'm looking for a way to say no without doing any damage to his confidenceor our friendship. So guys give me some advice, what's the nicest way a girl has ever refused your romantic advances? __________________ "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own" "Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

08-03-2007, 04:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	hyacinthe, you've got an easy out. find some way to tell him that you're not comfortable with it because of your friendship with his older sister/brother. start throwing in versions of the old standard 'i think you're really cute, but i just don't see you that way' which is a modification of the 'it's not you, it's me' line...which was modified for just these situations. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

08-03-2007, 04:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
Siege is a tiger Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada	There is no easy way to do it. Either way, he's going to be hurt. But he's going to be a lot more hurt if you aren't clear and lead him on. __________________ "Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek" --Kevin Smith This part just makes my posts easier to find

08-03-2007, 04:55 PM	#5 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	I'd recommend honesty, but most people don't have the mental muscle for it. Your other option is feed him some boolsheet. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

08-03-2007, 05:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
MrFriendly Psycho Location: Australia	Siege, it's not that either way he's going to be hurt. But there's few ways you can say no that won't damage his ego, even if just slightly. Hyacinthe, this is definitely a tricky one. He sounds like right now he's a pretty sensitive soul, and under the circumstance it probably took him a lot to just come out and ask you out. You know all to well there is no point fucking this guy around to protect his feelings, because it will only end badly. Unfortunately though, there is no easy way to say 'Let's just be friends' without it sounding cliche, even when you mean it. But you will have let him down gently gently. Eh, if it were me, I'd rather you just say it upfront up as soon as you can, state exactly what your intentions are and how you see me. And we can go from there. But I'm an absolute glutton for emotional punishment. I really don't think that will work in this case. But if anything, just be honest with him, answer his questions as best you can. Try to be patient with him. He should get the idea pretty soon. But then again I've seen this happen so many times, some guys can man up and just take it in stride and still be good friends, others don't handle it well at all. It's tough call. I hope what ever you decide to do pans out ok. __________________ You are not a slave

08-03-2007, 04:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
Terrell Insane Location: Orlando, Florida	The standard "you're not my type" should do. It gets the point across, without being nasty about it.

08-03-2007, 05:16 PM	#7 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	I have asked out one guy in my entire life. And was turned down f-l-a-t. It was the old "but if it didn't work out, it would ruin our friendship" line. Bah! I like Pig's "I don't date my friends' siblings. I would hate to ruin my friendship with them." __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

08-03-2007, 06:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	There is a point related to this topic, I promise..... I was turned down by a girl I knew in high school for pretty much the "let's not ruin the friendship" reason. What made this completely bearable was that she then offered to "coach" me through getting girls of my own accord. I got crash courses in fashion, conversation, what was corny, what wasn't, even what turned girls on. Now I didn't become a rock star or anything, but those pointers I received from that girl really did lead to me being a hell of a lot more confident, which was exactly what I needed. I don't know if it will help the OP, but wanted to bring it up in case it may be an option. __________________ "No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me- "Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown- DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

08-03-2007, 07:22 PM	#9 (permalink)
Mister Coaster Big & Brassy Location: The "Canyon"	^^ What he said. And the EXACT same senario happened to me, but in college. If you say "let's just be friends." then being a true friend after giving him that line is the best thing. __________________ If you have any poo... fling it NOW!

08-03-2007, 10:15 PM	#12 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Willravel, in response to a woman making advances recently: "I'm very flattered, but I'm married." Willravel, in response to a woman before getting married: "It was a pleasure to meet you, goodnight." Gorgeous model, Miami, circa 2001ish, after a world class chatting up by yours truly: "Thanks for the talk, goodnight."

08-03-2007, 11:30 PM	#13 (permalink)
Dawson70 Here to Help My Fellow TFP'er Location: All over the Net....(ok Wisconsin)	He will adapt...later. Let him go through his changes and as he grows, his opinion will change....trust me __________________ "I Finally Finished My Goal....You Can Too! Yippie Ki Ya...

08-04-2007, 05:12 PM	#16 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	Redlemon... I was wondering the same thing. Why do you have to say no? Cause of the rape thing? __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

08-04-2007, 05:50 PM	#17 (permalink)
Hyacinthe Psycho Location: Australia	It has nothing to do with the rape thing - sorry I was a little unspecific. I have a few reasons 1) he's 16 and there's a few years age gap between the two of us, while this might not have been an issue if he was a bit older atm when I look at him I see a 16yr old kid not an adult. 2) He's the brother of one of my best friends and a close friend of mine I honestly don't want to screw that up by letting sex get involved, I know some people stay close friends with their ex but the majority of those I know don't. 3) Maybe most importantly I don't want a relationship atm. Sure I like a fuck every now and then but that's what my FwB are for. I just cbf with the whole having to go and see him and do stuff etc etc 4) I think he might only be looking for an easy lay. He knows that I have sex outside of a committed relationship and some guys believe if you do that you'll fuck pretty much anything that comes along, sure I like sex but I'm picky about who I let share that experience with me. does that help? __________________ "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own" "Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

08-04-2007, 07:12 PM	#18 (permalink)
albania Psycho	Keep it short and vague, then pretend like he never asked you out in the first place. But, more seriously, if all he wants is an easy lay and not a relationship then tell him the truth that you don't want to go out with him. It might be the simplest thing to do, and if it's only a sex thing I'm sure it won't hurt his feelings too much. Even if he does get hurt, the worst thing that might happen is he beats off and cries himself to sleep, or if he’s an industrious man beats off and cries while falling asleep. I haven’t been in his situation, so I don’t know how helpful that really was.

08-04-2007, 07:14 PM	#19 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Then be honest by using 1,2,3....wouldn't touch #4. "You're too young for me, you're my friend's baby brother and I don't want a relationship right now". Done. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

08-06-2007, 09:20 AM	#24 (permalink)
bluestars87 Tilted Location: California	"I just don't feel that way about you. Sorry". __________________ "Every light must fade, every heart return to darkness!" -San Francisco 49ers: Five Time Super Bowl Champions-

08-04-2007, 08:47 PM	#20 (permalink)
MuMan Upright	When you have trouble saying 'no' you usually end up doing things you don't want to do..trust me, best approach is ahhh 'no'...thanks. __________________ If it 'can' happen...it will (usually when you least expect it.)

08-05-2007, 10:23 AM	#22 (permalink)
World's King Here Location: Denver City Denver	I agree with MrFriendly... If he doesn't get past all this shit now, he stands a really good chance of actually raping a girl in the future. Help him. In any way you see fit. __________________ heavy is the head that wears the crown

08-06-2007, 03:14 PM	#25 (permalink)
cyklone Crazy Location: Adelaide, South Australia	Or, "I think of you like a brother, I couldn't get my head around dating you".