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Hyacinthe 08-03-2007 03:56 AM

How to say no
 
Ok I find myself in a complex situation which may or may not be of my own making.

The younger brother of a friend of mine just got released from police custody a few months ago because he was accused of rape (all charges were dropped, the girl that accused him was lying and that became very obvious when she was questioned). Since he was released he's had more then a few problems interacting with people, especially girls. Part of this is that his parents are understandably nervous about him being alone with a girl incase the situation repeats and another part is that he's more tentative with approaching girls. The few times he has built up the coourage oflate he has been mercilessly shot down. He doesn't have any problems however in talking or confiding in me especially about things he finds hard to discuss with his family.

He's just asked me out. I'm looking for a way to say no without doing any damage to his confidenceor our friendship.

So guys give me some advice, what's the nicest way a girl has ever refused your romantic advances?

Terrell 08-03-2007 04:00 AM

The standard "you're not my type" should do. It gets the point across, without being nasty about it.

pig 08-03-2007 04:42 AM

hyacinthe, you've got an easy out. find some way to tell him that you're not comfortable with it because of your friendship with his older sister/brother. start throwing in versions of the old standard 'i think you're really cute, but i just don't see you that way' which is a modification of the 'it's not you, it's me' line...which was modified for just these situations.

Siege 08-03-2007 04:00 PM

There is no easy way to do it. Either way, he's going to be hurt. But he's going to be a lot more hurt if you aren't clear and lead him on.

Plan9 08-03-2007 04:55 PM

I'd recommend honesty, but most people don't have the mental muscle for it.

Your other option is feed him some boolsheet.

MrFriendly 08-03-2007 05:09 PM

Siege, it's not that either way he's going to be hurt. But there's few ways you can say no that won't damage his ego, even if just slightly.

Hyacinthe, this is definitely a tricky one. He sounds like right now he's a pretty sensitive soul, and under the circumstance it probably took him a lot to just come out and ask you out.

You know all to well there is no point fucking this guy around to protect his feelings, because it will only end badly.

Unfortunately though, there is no easy way to say 'Let's just be friends' without it sounding cliche, even when you mean it. But you will have let him down gently gently.

Eh, if it were me, I'd rather you just say it upfront up as soon as you can, state exactly what your intentions are and how you see me. And we can go from there. But I'm an absolute glutton for emotional punishment. I really don't think that will work in this case.

But if anything, just be honest with him, answer his questions as best you can. Try to be patient with him. He should get the idea pretty soon. But then again I've seen this happen so many times, some guys can man up and just take it in stride and still be good friends, others don't handle it well at all.

It's tough call. I hope what ever you decide to do pans out ok.

ItWasMe 08-03-2007 05:16 PM

I have asked out one guy in my entire life. And was turned down f-l-a-t. It was the old "but if it didn't work out, it would ruin our friendship" line. Bah!

I like Pig's "I don't date my friends' siblings. I would hate to ruin my friendship with them."

Push-Pull 08-03-2007 06:28 PM

There is a point related to this topic, I promise.....

I was turned down by a girl I knew in high school for pretty much the "let's not ruin the friendship" reason. What made this completely bearable was that she then offered to "coach" me through getting girls of my own accord. I got crash courses in fashion, conversation, what was corny, what wasn't, even what turned girls on. Now I didn't become a rock star or anything, but those pointers I received from that girl really did lead to me being a hell of a lot more confident, which was exactly what I needed.

I don't know if it will help the OP, but wanted to bring it up in case it may be an option.

Mister Coaster 08-03-2007 07:22 PM

^^ What he said. And the EXACT same senario happened to me, but in college.

If you say "let's just be friends." then being a true friend after giving him that line is the best thing.

robot_parade 08-03-2007 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siege
There is no easy way to do it. Either way, he's going to be hurt. But he's going to be a lot more hurt if you aren't clear and lead him on.

Quoting for truth.

I've never been in the situation he's been in...I can't imagine how fucked up he is emotionally right now. If you can manage to be his friend without letting the sex thing get involved, that would probably be good for him.

Siege 08-03-2007 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrFriendly
Siege, it's not that either way he's going to be hurt. But there's few ways you can say no that won't damage his ego, even if just slightly.

But you just said right there that his ego will be damaged slightly.

What I meant was that this person will be hurt to SOME degree regardless of what you do. I mean he is after all getting turned down. I don't think anybody can be ecstatic when that happens.

Willravel 08-03-2007 10:15 PM

Willravel, in response to a woman making advances recently:
"I'm very flattered, but I'm married."

Willravel, in response to a woman before getting married:
"It was a pleasure to meet you, goodnight."

Gorgeous model, Miami, circa 2001ish, after a world class chatting up by yours truly:
"Thanks for the talk, goodnight."

Dawson70 08-03-2007 11:30 PM

He will adapt...later. Let him go through his changes and as he grows, his opinion will change....trust me

healer 08-04-2007 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willravel
Willravel, in response to a woman making advances recently:
"I'm very flattered, but I'm married."

Willravel, in response to a woman before getting married:
"It was a pleasure to meet you, goodnight."

Gorgeous model, Miami, circa 2001ish, after a world class chatting up by yours truly:
"Thanks for the talk, goodnight."

Showoff. ;)

Redlemon 08-04-2007 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyacinthe
Ok I find myself in a complex situation which may or may not be of my own making.

The younger brother of a friend of mine just got released from police custody a few months ago because he was accused of rape (all charges were dropped, the girl that accused him was lying and that became very obvious when she was questioned). Since he was released he's had more then a few problems interacting with people, especially girls. Part of this is that his parents are understandably nervous about him being alone with a girl incase the situation repeats and another part is that he's more tentative with approaching girls. The few times he has built up the coourage oflate he has been mercilessly shot down. He doesn't have any problems however in talking or confiding in me especially about things he finds hard to discuss with his family.

He's just asked me out. I'm looking for a way to say no without doing any damage to his confidenceor our friendship.

So guys give me some advice, what's the nicest way a girl has ever refused your romantic advances?

Nowhere in this post do you say why you don't want to date him. I can make some assumptions, but that's pointless. You know the reason.

Perhaps simply writing that out to us will clarify to you what you want/need to do?

World's King 08-04-2007 05:12 PM

Redlemon... I was wondering the same thing.


Why do you have to say no? Cause of the rape thing?

Hyacinthe 08-04-2007 05:50 PM

It has nothing to do with the rape thing - sorry I was a little unspecific.

I have a few reasons

1) he's 16 and there's a few years age gap between the two of us, while this might not have been an issue if he was a bit older atm when I look at him I see a 16yr old kid not an adult.

2) He's the brother of one of my best friends and a close friend of mine I honestly don't want to screw that up by letting sex get involved, I know some people stay close friends with their ex but the majority of those I know don't.

3) Maybe most importantly I don't want a relationship atm. Sure I like a fuck every now and then but that's what my FwB are for. I just cbf with the whole having to go and see him and do stuff etc etc

4) I think he might only be looking for an easy lay. He knows that I have sex outside of a committed relationship and some guys believe if you do that you'll fuck pretty much anything that comes along, sure I like sex but I'm picky about who I let share that experience with me.

does that help?

albania 08-04-2007 07:12 PM

Keep it short and vague, then pretend like he never asked you out in the first place. But, more seriously, if all he wants is an easy lay and not a relationship then tell him the truth that you don't want to go out with him. It might be the simplest thing to do, and if it's only a sex thing I'm sure it won't hurt his feelings too much. Even if he does get hurt, the worst thing that might happen is he beats off and cries himself to sleep, or if he’s an industrious man beats off and cries while falling asleep. I haven’t been in his situation, so I don’t know how helpful that really was.

ngdawg 08-04-2007 07:14 PM

Then be honest by using 1,2,3....wouldn't touch #4.
"You're too young for me, you're my friend's baby brother and I don't want a relationship right now".
Done.

MuMan 08-04-2007 08:47 PM

When you have trouble saying 'no' you usually end up doing things you don't want to do..trust me, best approach is ahhh 'no'...thanks.:expressionless:

MrFriendly 08-05-2007 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Siege
But you just said right there that his ego will be damaged slightly.

What I meant was that this person will be hurt to SOME degree regardless of what you do. I mean he is after all getting turned down. I don't think anybody can be ecstatic when that happens.

I guess it depends on your idea of 'hurt'.

I tend to associate hurt with having your heart smashed against a wall. You know, that emotional shut down so bad it physically hurts?

If I asked out a girl whom I thought liked me and she said no, it would be a hit to my ego, but it wouldn't hurt me.

If it were walking in on the woman I love fucking my best friend.....ouchies....that shit hurts.

Edit

Hyacinthe, the little guy is only 16 and had to go through all of that!!?

Hmm, you know, if he doesn't deal with what's happened and the issues he's dealing with now, he could develop some pretty debilitating social neurosis later on.

I think if you can find a way for him to just hang out with girls more (especially ones his own age) it will help him a lot.

World's King 08-05-2007 10:23 AM

I agree with MrFriendly... If he doesn't get past all this shit now, he stands a really good chance of actually raping a girl in the future.


Help him. In any way you see fit.

Redlemon 08-06-2007 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ngdawg
Then be honest by using 1,2,3....wouldn't touch #4.
"You're too young for me, you're my friend's baby brother and I don't want a relationship right now".
Done.

I remember hearing a rule in the past: "If you give more than one reason, you aren't giving the real reason." Not to say that you don't legitimately have more than one completely valid reason, but I would recommend picking whichever is your primary reason, and just using that one.

Also, Reason #4 obviates #3. If you do have casual sex, and he knows that, and you tell him that you don't want a relationship, he may either ask or wonder "but, why won't you just fuck me"? #1 and #2 are facts, and nothing that he can change: I'd stick with one of those two.

bluestars87 08-06-2007 09:20 AM

"I just don't feel that way about you. Sorry".

cyklone 08-06-2007 03:14 PM

Or, "I think of you like a brother, I couldn't get my head around dating you".


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