BlackIce

Be real people...its happened to us all at least once. Share your stories whether they're funny or sad or whatever, share your experiences.


This one isn't funny, but it happened last night so its the first one I remembered

Last Night, My gf came over and we haven't seen each other in awhile so we were both pent up. It got pretty rough. But I got into a very bad car accident a week ago and my chest has been in pain. So after awhile she just took over and I was totally used like a toy *which I loved* but I couldn't keep up.


After that session, about 3 hours later we tried to go at it again but nothing worked. I was completely sore/worn out from the first time. I felt kinda crappy about the whole thing but she made me feel better and was understanding that I was in pain. To put it best she said "Aww sweety I'm sorry I fucked you so hard that you couldn't take it" and just smirked.

I got a good laugh out of it.

ShaniFaye

3 weeks ago, having been in the bed at that time for 2 weeks with pneumonia we attempted to have sex before Dave left for china. We had to stop because I got where I couldnt breathe and had to have a breathing treatment lol

poor man, by the time he gets home it will be 6 weeks since we had sex, though Im glad to say I dont think I'll have to use the inhaler this weekend

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

ngdawg

Not sure if this applies, but it's funny....
Six months pregnant with twins and I'd spent the 2nd thru 5th month on complete bedrest. Needless to say, we NEEDED some time....
I lovingly got on my knees and started a bj....when it got time to get up, get into bed and finish showing our desires....I couldn't get off the floor. Seems carrying around a small whale or two throws one's balance and strength for a loop.
That about ended it for another 4 months....

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Push-Pull

I've always been a heavy sleeper, and that lead to what my wife refers to often as the "sleep-lover" episode. Apparently, I got up on my elbow, hovered over her, started kissing her with passion, and then moved on into other things. According to her (I was asleep remember...) we were going into foreplay hot and heavy when she pushed me off so that she could climb on top. Only when she pushed me off, I kept rolling over and was sound asleep on my side.

I don't remember a thing about it.

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"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

Mister Coaster

Besides the occasional “too drunk to get it up” I can only think of one other time...

We were going at it, and nearing the finish line when I felt a charlie-horse coming on in my hamstring. I tried to straighten out that leg and keep going because I was just a few seconds away form cumming. No dice, the pain just kept getting worse until I finally had to leap off of her and stretch/massage the muscle to make it go away. Mrs. Coaster was just laying there in bewilderment wondering what the Hell I was doing. I told her what it was and she laughed. It got better, but upon mounting up again, it came back. We ended up finishing each other off manually.

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If you have any poo... fling it NOW!

Daniel_

What on Gods earth is a charley horse?

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

blade02

This one is pretty funny....

I was dating this girl and she was helping me move into a new apartment. It was a long distance relationship so we always went at it like crazy the one or two times a month we got to see each other. Well we ran out of condoms and she decided to be adventurous and asked if I wanted to try anal.

It was both our first time at it and all I knew was that I needed lube... all we had was a product called "good head". For those that don't know, good head is a gel type thing you apply to yourself so women have something to taste while going down on you. This happend to be mint flavored.

So I "lube" up and start to slowly put it in. I'm not even all the way in yet when she starts yelling in pain "take it out! take it out! it burns!" I pull out and she goes running to the bathroom. I'm a little puzzled... then after a few seconds it hits me... my dick feels like its on FIRE! I run to the bathroom to wash it off... I find her trying to run sink water over her rear end... I finally turned on the shower and we both jumped in and fought over who got the water.

Afterwards it was one of those things we could only laugh about. But I never got a chance to try anal with her again.

Willravel

Nevermind.

LoganSnake

A muscle cramp.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Daoust

I'll bump this thread with a story of something that happened to me last night. It's not really a failed sex attempt, but this thread was the closest I could find when I did a search to fit what I wanted to post.

My wife went to a fantasia party last night, and so we both knew that we were going to get it on later that night. She didn't buy much, just some lube and some clit creme that she'd was anxious to try out.

Long story short, the clit creme works, she's on top, she orgasms (which is awesome because it's only about the 5th or 6th time since we started having sex five years ago that she has) and I orgasm with her. It's such a hot moment. It's so good. It's incredible. Awesome, right???

Well, then she gets off, and behold, my penis that had a condom on it when we started, now did not. My wife shreiks in horror. She pulls the empty condom out of her, and runs screaming to the bathroom "Nooo!!! I'm not ready" she cries. She cried for a good half hour.
Needless to say, the moment...pretty much gone.

So, this post may serve as a "guess what, I'm gonna be a daddy again" post, we'll see. Meanwhile, it serves as a "good sex gone bad" post and we'll keep you posted as to what happens next.

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

World's King

I had a chick run to the bathroom to throw up about two minutes into fucking. Needless to say the moment had past...



That was the last time I took home some random drunk chick just cause she said she could put the condom on me with her toes...

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Cyborg Ninja

I hope everything turns out OK, Daoust.

Blade02, I know your post is old, but please practice safe sex. Condoms don't exist only as contraception.

Now for my story. I have a spinal cord condition so I'm constantly in pain, and sometimes my leg goes numb and paralyzed. As you'd expect, this can lead to some serious problems. But in other ways, I've developed a high tolerance for pain and I can withstand really grueling, rough sex if my partner wants it. I remember the last guy I was with would get very rough when he'd get closer to orgasm. My feet were on his shoulders and I'd have to hold one leg with one hand and use the other arm to keep myself from hitting the wall (because he was thrusting so hard). It could get pretty painful. And the other thing is that in that position my legs or even up to my waist my body would go numb or cramp, and I couldn't move it. Nevertheless, I hung in there.

I have public sex fairly often it seems and the first time I had sex, it was in a dressing room and we got caught. It's funny because after I did a quick glance from the outside of the room (to see how much it'd reveal), I saw that you could see practically _everything_. I don't know why they even bother having doors. Anyway, my gf at the time was Hispanic and we were in Miami. She heard a woman talk into a walkie-talkie saying "Sex, second floor..." We ran the hell out of there! LOL, actually she limped out of there because she had busted her foot the night before. The employee asked us "Do you need any help?" and we just blushed and said "No thanks. We're good" and walked off stage.

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surferlove007

The worst cramp known to man. Its where your foot flexes and your calf feels like its in a knot. I've woken up in the middle of the night with these, the best thing to do is stretch your foot till it goes away...or till you pass out from pain.

The only problem with sex after being apart for a few weeks is usually when I'm sore after 4 or 5 times in just 1 or 2 days. Also whenever we'd be going to bed and I'd be in the mood and he'd be tired, go figure.

Cyborg Ninja

You haven't felt the worst of cramps until you succumb to Spasticity. It would go from my butt down my entire leg and they'd scissor together. I couldn't move for five minutes. Thankfully, I haven't had this problem for a year. It's very painful.

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Become an organ donor

Redlemon

Here's my wife's failed attempt on me. Back in our Sophomore year of college, I was in a performing arts group and got back to campus from an off-site performance very late. I was so exhausted that I barely made it back to my dorm room. My GF had let herself into my room (she had a key), and was waiting for me in some brand-new lingerie with a look of intent in her eye.

I say "that's cute", and fall into the bed to sleep.

That was 19 years ago. She still gives me a hard time about it, but at least now she's joking.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Jenna

Never give your guy a blowjob and forget that you had fucked a little earlier.

While you're on your period.

World's King

Damn.


I did have a girl blow me in the morning after I spent most of the night before fucking her in the ass.

I guess she forgot. And who was I to stop her?

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Jenna

Washed in between?

Never go ass to mouth.

senselocke

Ooh, I have a few for you.

1- Girl from my class, who was a flaming bitch all semester, begs me to let her change at my apartment. (she lived 30 miles from the school). I'm not a total ass, so I say OK. She comes over, dresses, we go to the graduation thingie (vocational school), and come back. She gets out of her gown, into her clothes, then attacks me. Starts giving me the worst head ever, like trying to strip the corn off the cob. I cum from desperation, and she looks up and asks me to "do her". Now, giving face is a great hobby of mine, but this girl was ill or something: the room smelled like someone opened a fridge that had had no power for a month. I just ask her to leave. Now in all fairness, maybe it was my brain hallucinating from the dick pain, but I kept the windows open for a week regardless.

2- Candace, a girl my wife worked with at a club starts hitting on me, I point out that I'm married, and she says, "But I want her too". Stupid grin begins. She starts saying how she's never had a threesome before. Stupid grin continues. I call my wife over, and we all start talking. Wife is OK with it, girl is OK with it, I'm restraining myself from bursting into song. We're about to go leave, all together, for ultimate coolness, and this girl says, "Hold on, I have to be drunk enough. I can't sleep with girls unless I'm blitzed." She walks off to the bar. So... that didn't happen. Definition of "mood killer"

3- Ex-wife wanted to try anal. Stupid grin began. We got the lube started the warmups, I enter... and find that I am not alone. I stop, hold perfectly still for a moment, then run to the bathroom to wash, then enter the fetal posistion on the floor. Never tried that again, with her at least.

4- I've never been particularly worried about menstruation, it never really scared me the way it scares a lot of men. Then I discovered that if a woman is within a couple of days of the usual start, vigorous sex can "jump-start" the procedure. We're moving right along, I look down and see blood all over myself. I actually scream then run out of the room to the bathroom. She comes in, laughing so hard she's crying, and trying to tell me it's OK. I can't get an erection for a week afterwards.

5- Coworker and her husband move in while my wife is still my girlfriend, and we're all four living in the same apartment. For some reason, we talk about going at it all in the same room. No trading partners or anything, just being in the same room. Now, realistically, I wanna see two nekkid women at the same time, and I'm sure her husband is thinking the same thing, and both our girls were rather vocal, so it's all good. We take the futon, they take the floor. Fifteen minutes in, I'm about a minute from blastoff, and I get a sudden horrid cramp in my left hamstring, and fall off of the futon, onto our roommates, squealing in pain. No more sex, just mocking laughter and an inside joke that still goes on to this day, ie "Now make sure you stretch, honey, we don't want another sports-related injury".

6- Wife decides to be the ultimate cool and tries to set up a double blowjob for my birthday with her best friend. Yes! So they begin, and it's lovely for all of a minute. Then her friend stops "assisting" and starts "poking". Then a few minutes later, just stares. Then stops and says, "I can't do it; they're breathing" and leaves. Apparently, I have large nuts, and the scrotum tenses and contracts, making them rather animated. Needless to say, cool moment over.

7- First girlfriend after divorce, ten years older than I. She invites me over for dinner after work, I meet her daughter (she was eight, I believe). daughter goes to bed, we watch a movie. She pounces. Apparently, she hadn't had sex since her divorce a year before, so she's a bit impatient. We go at it for almost and hour, when I look up and her daughter is standing in the doorway, staring at me. We'd woken her up, although we'd tried to be quiet. She says, "Are you my new daddy?". Showstopper.

8- Some girls are just... odd. New girlfriend, first time we're having sex, and we are enjoying ourselves. About twenty minutes in, we're in missionary, and she looks up at me and her brow wrinkles. No warning, no notice whatsoever, she reaches up with both hands and pops a zit on my forehead. I lost the erection right there. There's a time and a place for everything, honey, and that was neither.

9- I had one girlfriend that everything (sexually) just clicked with. We could go for hours at a stretch, no exaggeration. She would come after ten minutes, I would get a burst of machoness which kept me going, continue. Apparently, we were loud as well, and she neglected to tell me she had a peeping tom (neighborhood kid, probably fourteen at the time). At 3am, we're still going at it, and I'm almost about to come. I look up, and through the open window I see wide open eyes starting at her. We were doing doggy, so she had her head down, and I guess he wasn't looking at me or he'd have seen me and ran. He had to be on her back porch to be up that high too. This should have ended it. Instead, I kept going, pulled out, and shot him right on the forehead. Most accurate shot of my life. He stood transfixed for three seconds, then shrieked and ran. He never bugged her again.

Well, there's probably more, but nine is enough for now. They're all pretty fucked up, I know, but such is life. Good thing I have a sense of humor or I'd have sworn off sex years ago. Still, they make for good stories. You have to have something for when you're meeting your wife's parents.

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Urgency attracts Stupidity.

World's King

No. We were pretty drunk the night before. I didn't remember the anal part till it was a little late... and... Yeah.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Infinite_Loser

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I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

match000

lol, that last one was hella funny. altho, if u were close enough to shoot the kid, how could he not have seen u spot him?!

KellyC

Don't kiss her if she does...ewwww.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

ItWasMe

I can't come up with anything. Well, except for when I was going to surprise my *now* ex-husband and jump him. He surprised me instead...he was going at it with another woman. Does that count?

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Im_not_bitter

Boy, if I can get a nickle for everytime sex fails with me I'll probably be able to buy a ducati..Err nah that's over exaggerating but mon dieu.

With just this current guy there are numerous occasion.

-We have the run in with menstruation while having sex. He seems more mature and I seems more gross out and mortify with it. End up with him telling me that its fine, and its not biggy and what not.

-I intiated sex between us , which is something out of my agenda and he didnt want it that time because he thinks i'm special and wants to wait for the right moment. No matter how he explains its, still me getting rejected.

-I couldn't get him to stay up, when we finally are ready for sex. No matter what I tried it just goes up and as the condom was being put on it deflated along with my ego.

-I was taking my panty off while on time of him it got caught on my ankle and i wobble over and fall off my bed which is a good 3ft off the ground. He look over the bed to ask me how I was doing and I told him that the floor seems a little more comfy and I need some time to gather my pride and clothes as I walk into the shower.

-It was all hazy but we were fooling around in bed and as reflex I bend my knee and turn to the side a little as he was jumping on me or flying towards me or something like that,welps my knee end up at his crotch. I can see his face scrunch up in pain while his body shiver as his curl his knee to his chest crying in pain after he fall over to the side. Yup sex didnt happen for a while after that.

Soo much more with just this dude and I'm sure more to come, but he's still with me..so I think he either secertly likes how his sex life is not working out soo well or that he is just plain crazy.

Ouch, What a killer suprise.

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Just because it's called common sense, doesn't mean it's a common trait

Plan9

You still coulda surprised him! That's what Ginsu products offers a woman!

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Push-Pull

Or Smith and Wesson.

__________________
"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

ItWasMe

Yea, hindsight is 20/20, or so they say.

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Hyacinthe

Best thing I can think of wasn't me but a friend of mine

She managed to dislocate her jaw when giving her BF some oral action. Explaining that at the emergency room was fun, he's still worried about letting her go down on him.

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"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Sugar&Spice

I was giving my boyfriend a blow job one night. He is uncircumcised and we had sex the night before and sort of tore the little piece of skin connecting the underside of his foreskin to the head of his penis. Anyways, I forgot about that and I'm giving him a blow job before we have sex.

I began to taste something odd. All the lights were off so I couldn't see anything. I began to feel more liquid in my mouth and it tasted sort of like iron. At that point I'm a little worried and go spit into the garbage can in my room and I wiped my mouth with my hand. I go over to turn on the light and I have blood smeared on my face and there is blood in the garbage can. I ran into the bathroom and began spitting out blood and brushing my teeth. I discovered that the part we injured the night before had not healed and decided to bleed a lot from all the sucking. So, that ended any further fun for the night!

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

Chiyachan

3- Ex-wife wanted to try anal. Stupid grin began. We got the lube started the warmups, I enter... and find that I am not alone. I stop, hold perfectly still for a moment, then run to the bathroom to wash, then enter the fetal posistion on the floor. Never tried that again, with her at least.

She was a guy?

abaya

No birth control? No morning-after pill?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ring

There is nothing more heartbreaking than being with a man for 15yrs. and having to witness him go through E.D. as part of the aging process.

Us woman have it pretty easy, there is always (alternative slimy stuff in a tube)

The few times when I was younger, I am grateful for the non-happening,
be it due to whiskey-dick or whatever.

It's kept my count down.

Daoust

The condom was our birth control. And the morning after pill is considered by this right wing evangelical Christian to be a form of abortion. Maybe not a popular opinion, especially here, but its mine.

Still no word on whether we are pregnant or not. Mrs. Daoust doesn't have a period for another two weeks or so.

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Jackshit

Same thing happened to me but conversly.

She: "Why does your dick smell funny?"

[moment of pause]

Me: "Period"

[another pause]

Most times we avoid sex during the period but for some reason that night passions ran wild. We did some new things that we hadn't tried before.

senselocke

Um, no. But when a girl wants a guy to put a dick in her ass, the girl has a responsibility--nay, a duty--to ensure that the poop chute is not already occupied. By poop.

Cause of all the kinks I've tried and all the kinks I have yet to do, scat is never going to be on the guest list.

Eww.

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Urgency attracts Stupidity.

ReallyReal

Had that moment, lucky I was wearing a condom.

Another embarrasing moment was not being able to get hard for 2 days, after 2 weeks straight having sex 2-3 times a day with each session lasting 2 hours or more.

Yes we were like rabbits you could say. . .

Jenna

Oh yeah! I've got a few more.

My guy and I were having a threesome with one of my friends and as I was going down on her I was having sex with my boyfriend. I guess it was just too much motion because I got a bloody nose. Why does blood always fuck up my situation? That sucked.

My boyfriend used to live in an apartment with two other guys, so when we had sex I kept quiet to be polite. It was always a treat if they were gone because I could finally let it out. My boyfriend decided to go down on me and I thought everyone was gone, and I decided to be real loud this time. After about five minutes of my loud moaning I heard In Flames blast (this guys favorite band) as loud as possible. He still gives me shit to this day.

Schwan

One of my girlfriends was a virgin. We tried (and I mean realy tried) for a month, almost daily, and it was like trying to go through a brick wall. Easy to give up, but it was worth it. When we did manage to get it on one night, she just kept orgasming (I know, sound like a cheap pr0n story).

With my current GF... it's not good. I can't find a way to get her going, and if I do, it lasts for 30 seconds and I'm a slow cummer, so to speak. Then she gets sore and it's over.

Daoust

Well, a little update, folks. It's almost a full cycle later and guess what? The wife started her period today, hence, we are not pregnant. Mrs. Daoust was relieved, if only because she likes to not be surprised, and wants to fully control how and when we conceive our next child.

In an unrelated story, I haven't had sex since this initial post. True story.

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys