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senselocke · 11-14-2007, 03:35 PM

Ooh, I have a few for you.

1- Girl from my class, who was a flaming bitch all semester, begs me to let her change at my apartment. (she lived 30 miles from the school). I'm not a total ass, so I say OK. She comes over, dresses, we go to the graduation thingie (vocational school), and come back. She gets out of her gown, into her clothes, then attacks me. Starts giving me the worst head ever, like trying to strip the corn off the cob. I cum from desperation, and she looks up and asks me to "do her". Now, giving face is a great hobby of mine, but this girl was ill or something: the room smelled like someone opened a fridge that had had no power for a month. I just ask her to leave. Now in all fairness, maybe it was my brain hallucinating from the dick pain, but I kept the windows open for a week regardless.

2- Candace, a girl my wife worked with at a club starts hitting on me, I point out that I'm married, and she says, "But I want her too". Stupid grin begins. She starts saying how she's never had a threesome before. Stupid grin continues. I call my wife over, and we all start talking. Wife is OK with it, girl is OK with it, I'm restraining myself from bursting into song. We're about to go leave, all together, for ultimate coolness, and this girl says, "Hold on, I have to be drunk enough. I can't sleep with girls unless I'm blitzed." She walks off to the bar. So... that didn't happen. Definition of "mood killer"

3- Ex-wife wanted to try anal. Stupid grin began. We got the lube started the warmups, I enter... and find that I am not alone. I stop, hold perfectly still for a moment, then run to the bathroom to wash, then enter the fetal posistion on the floor. Never tried that again, with her at least.

4- I've never been particularly worried about menstruation, it never really scared me the way it scares a lot of men. Then I discovered that if a woman is within a couple of days of the usual start, vigorous sex can "jump-start" the procedure. We're moving right along, I look down and see blood all over myself. I actually scream then run out of the room to the bathroom. She comes in, laughing so hard she's crying, and trying to tell me it's OK. I can't get an erection for a week afterwards.

5- Coworker and her husband move in while my wife is still my girlfriend, and we're all four living in the same apartment. For some reason, we talk about going at it all in the same room. No trading partners or anything, just being in the same room. Now, realistically, I wanna see two nekkid women at the same time, and I'm sure her husband is thinking the same thing, and both our girls were rather vocal, so it's all good. We take the futon, they take the floor. Fifteen minutes in, I'm about a minute from blastoff, and I get a sudden horrid cramp in my left hamstring, and fall off of the futon, onto our roommates, squealing in pain. No more sex, just mocking laughter and an inside joke that still goes on to this day, ie "Now make sure you stretch, honey, we don't want another sports-related injury".

6- Wife decides to be the ultimate cool and tries to set up a double blowjob for my birthday with her best friend. Yes! So they begin, and it's lovely for all of a minute. Then her friend stops "assisting" and starts "poking". Then a few minutes later, just stares. Then stops and says, "I can't do it; they're breathing" and leaves. Apparently, I have large nuts, and the scrotum tenses and contracts, making them rather animated. Needless to say, cool moment over.

7- First girlfriend after divorce, ten years older than I. She invites me over for dinner after work, I meet her daughter (she was eight, I believe). daughter goes to bed, we watch a movie. She pounces. Apparently, she hadn't had sex since her divorce a year before, so she's a bit impatient. We go at it for almost and hour, when I look up and her daughter is standing in the doorway, staring at me. We'd woken her up, although we'd tried to be quiet. She says, "Are you my new daddy?". Showstopper.

8- Some girls are just... odd. New girlfriend, first time we're having sex, and we are enjoying ourselves. About twenty minutes in, we're in missionary, and she looks up at me and her brow wrinkles. No warning, no notice whatsoever, she reaches up with both hands and pops a zit on my forehead. I lost the erection right there. There's a time and a place for everything, honey, and that was neither.

9- I had one girlfriend that everything (sexually) just clicked with. We could go for hours at a stretch, no exaggeration. She would come after ten minutes, I would get a burst of machoness which kept me going, continue. Apparently, we were loud as well, and she neglected to tell me she had a peeping tom (neighborhood kid, probably fourteen at the time). At 3am, we're still going at it, and I'm almost about to come. I look up, and through the open window I see wide open eyes starting at her. We were doing doggy, so she had her head down, and I guess he wasn't looking at me or he'd have seen me and ran. He had to be on her back porch to be up that high too. This should have ended it. Instead, I kept going, pulled out, and shot him right on the forehead. Most accurate shot of my life. He stood transfixed for three seconds, then shrieked and ran. He never bugged her again.

Well, there's probably more, but nine is enough for now. They're all pretty fucked up, I know, but such is life. Good thing I have a sense of humor or I'd have sworn off sex years ago. Still, they make for good stories. You have to have something for when you're meeting your wife's parents.

11-14-2007, 03:35 PM	#19 (permalink)
senselocke Upright Location: Hades. Well, Missouri, but you say poTAYto, I say poTAHto...	Ooh, I have a few for you. 1- Girl from my class, who was a flaming bitch all semester, begs me to let her change at my apartment. (she lived 30 miles from the school). I'm not a total ass, so I say OK. She comes over, dresses, we go to the graduation thingie (vocational school), and come back. She gets out of her gown, into her clothes, then attacks me. Starts giving me the worst head ever, like trying to strip the corn off the cob. I cum from desperation, and she looks up and asks me to "do her". Now, giving face is a great hobby of mine, but this girl was ill or something: the room smelled like someone opened a fridge that had had no power for a month. I just ask her to leave. Now in all fairness, maybe it was my brain hallucinating from the dick pain, but I kept the windows open for a week regardless. 2- Candace, a girl my wife worked with at a club starts hitting on me, I point out that I'm married, and she says, "But I want her too". Stupid grin begins. She starts saying how she's never had a threesome before. Stupid grin continues. I call my wife over, and we all start talking. Wife is OK with it, girl is OK with it, I'm restraining myself from bursting into song. We're about to go leave, all together, for ultimate coolness, and this girl says, "Hold on, I have to be drunk enough. I can't sleep with girls unless I'm blitzed." She walks off to the bar. So... that didn't happen. Definition of "mood killer" 3- Ex-wife wanted to try anal. Stupid grin began. We got the lube started the warmups, I enter... and find that I am not alone. I stop, hold perfectly still for a moment, then run to the bathroom to wash, then enter the fetal posistion on the floor. Never tried that again, with her at least. 4- I've never been particularly worried about menstruation, it never really scared me the way it scares a lot of men. Then I discovered that if a woman is within a couple of days of the usual start, vigorous sex can "jump-start" the procedure. We're moving right along, I look down and see blood all over myself. I actually scream then run out of the room to the bathroom. She comes in, laughing so hard she's crying, and trying to tell me it's OK. I can't get an erection for a week afterwards. 5- Coworker and her husband move in while my wife is still my girlfriend, and we're all four living in the same apartment. For some reason, we talk about going at it all in the same room. No trading partners or anything, just being in the same room. Now, realistically, I wanna see two nekkid women at the same time, and I'm sure her husband is thinking the same thing, and both our girls were rather vocal, so it's all good. We take the futon, they take the floor. Fifteen minutes in, I'm about a minute from blastoff, and I get a sudden horrid cramp in my left hamstring, and fall off of the futon, onto our roommates, squealing in pain. No more sex, just mocking laughter and an inside joke that still goes on to this day, ie "Now make sure you stretch, honey, we don't want another sports-related injury". 6- Wife decides to be the ultimate cool and tries to set up a double blowjob for my birthday with her best friend. Yes! So they begin, and it's lovely for all of a minute. Then her friend stops "assisting" and starts "poking". Then a few minutes later, just stares. Then stops and says, "I can't do it; they're breathing" and leaves. Apparently, I have large nuts, and the scrotum tenses and contracts, making them rather animated. Needless to say, cool moment over. 7- First girlfriend after divorce, ten years older than I. She invites me over for dinner after work, I meet her daughter (she was eight, I believe). daughter goes to bed, we watch a movie. She pounces. Apparently, she hadn't had sex since her divorce a year before, so she's a bit impatient. We go at it for almost and hour, when I look up and her daughter is standing in the doorway, staring at me. We'd woken her up, although we'd tried to be quiet. She says, "Are you my new daddy?". Showstopper. 8- Some girls are just... odd. New girlfriend, first time we're having sex, and we are enjoying ourselves. About twenty minutes in, we're in missionary, and she looks up at me and her brow wrinkles. No warning, no notice whatsoever, she reaches up with both hands and pops a zit on my forehead. I lost the erection right there. There's a time and a place for everything, honey, and that was neither. 9- I had one girlfriend that everything (sexually) just clicked with. We could go for hours at a stretch, no exaggeration. She would come after ten minutes, I would get a burst of machoness which kept me going, continue. Apparently, we were loud as well, and she neglected to tell me she had a peeping tom (neighborhood kid, probably fourteen at the time). At 3am, we're still going at it, and I'm almost about to come. I look up, and through the open window I see wide open eyes starting at her. We were doing doggy, so she had her head down, and I guess he wasn't looking at me or he'd have seen me and ran. He had to be on her back porch to be up that high too. This should have ended it. Instead, I kept going, pulled out, and shot him right on the forehead. Most accurate shot of my life. He stood transfixed for three seconds, then shrieked and ran. He never bugged her again. Well, there's probably more, but nine is enough for now. They're all pretty fucked up, I know, but such is life. Good thing I have a sense of humor or I'd have sworn off sex years ago. Still, they make for good stories. You have to have something for when you're meeting your wife's parents. __________________ Urgency attracts Stupidity.