biking447

Hey guys,

This is my first post and it is going to be long. So, quit now if you are not up to it.
I wanted to get some advice and input on a situation I am currently experiencing. I know you guys have all been through different circumstances in life and it is often good to get an outside view sometimes.

This is the story. I am a 35yr old male who has had two long-term relationships in the past. The first was when I was still in high school and lasted 10 yrs. My next relationship lasted 3yrs. In both I lived with the person and in both I think the relationships ended due to a failure on my part to express my fears and insecurities in a beneficial way. I have learned a lot from those relationships, I learn more things about myself from them even now.

Now after my last relationship the 3yr one ended In 2003 I decided to just be a little selfish and take some time for myself. I went back to school to change careers and everything was going ok. I was not extremely happy but was not sad either. I made a decision not to really date at all since I needed to focus on getting myself into a stable situation and into a better career. Well lo and behold one day in clinical I meet a person who really catches my attention! I briefly get to talk to her a few times and actually get to work with her during a delivery. When I go back to talk to her again and find out if she has an email or if she would like to talk again over lunch I can not find her. I knew I would not be on the unit again so most likely would never see her again. I was a little bummed even only talking with her just a few times. I knew her name from her badge and found her lunch box in the refrigerator. Well I took a chance and left her a note in her lunch box, I felt weird about it cause hell I thought she might just think I was some sort of stalker! It turned out ok though. I got an email from her 2 days later and we had our first date soon after.

We immediately hit it off, it was one of those situations where you feel you have known this person all your life. The first time we had sex made me feel like was 18 again. It was not awkward at all and she would later admit that it was the first time anyone had ever given her multiple orgasms. We kept seeing each other but then I got an email from her saying that even though she enjoyed the times we shared she was not looking for a relationship. At the time of that email I thought to myself geesh neither am I. So we sort of agreed to a casual relationship in which I thought meant we would just cap our feelings and not take it to the next level. Her definition of casual was different; it meant more of an open relationship. As time went on, I thought I could handle an open relationship but it was just not for me. We saw each other for about 6 months and each of us got attached to each other. Now we had a conversation today in which was full of tears and we decided to end it. She claims she loves me, she says no one has ever touched her or made her feel this way before. It is just we are victims of timing.

She has just recently gotten divorced from a 15 yr marriage that was bad and has one 8yr daughter. She had one boyfriend before her husband and that relationship was terrible as well. She never knew she was having bad sex this whole time because she just never had any experience. Once she got divorced and had a couple of one night stands she found out what sex was about and that it could actually be enjoyable. Even though she claims I am the best, and that no one has ever made her feel the way I make her feel she is not ready for a relationship so soon after her divorce. She also wants to know what is out there I guess to compare. I tried to ask her what that means but it is still confusing to me. I can understand that she is not in a position to start a relationship right now. From what I gather, she just needs time to herself and to date and have fun. So soon after a divorce, it is hard to be trusting to another person. I know it was a hard decision for her to make. She cried as much as I did during our conversation and constantly said I love you to me. However, in her heart she knows that she needs this time and space to be fair to her.

I am trying to accept that, I truly am. It is so hard to feel so powerless to help her through this situation. The only thing I can do is to set her free and hope that one day she recognizes what she had and comes back. The problem is I have never had the opportunity to end a relationship like this and still be able to contact or see the person. My 10 yr relationship ended on a phone call, and I never saw her again. That was tough to take, eventually over time though I healed. That person and I now send each other Christmas emails and greetings but still have never talked in person. My other relationship the 3yr one, well she left and took our dogs without warning and moved to Seattle with out saying goodbye. I tried to contact her but she ignored all attempts of phone calls and emails. I have never heard from her again.

I don’t really know what the protocol is for breaking up as odd as that sounds. I mean she has the potential to be such a good friend even if we are not lovers or life partners. The only thing I could think to do was send her an email asking her what she felt comfortable doing. I asked her for her help in what to do now. I want her to be comfortable so if she needs me to be invisible for a given amount of time then I can try to do that. If she needs me to not contact her until she contacts me then I can try to do that. If she wants to try to be friends and be platonically then I can try to do that. She has admitted that it would be hard for her not to want to be intimate with me, so I would have to be strong and resist the urge to sleep with her again.

I think I have rambled enough, I just wanted to get some view points and maybe some tales others have had as to bad timing in a relationship. She does feel that if we had met at a later time she would be able to totally be comfortable in committing to a relationship. That is hard to hear though because there is nothing I can do about that ugh!! I know deep down in my heart that I will eventually find love again. That does not decrease the pain or hurt that I feel right now though. It seems that we did not even get a chance to try in this relationship and I hate the fact that when I finally feel I am ready to have a good relationship timing screws me over! I want to hear from others what things help the pain.

I am about 2 months from graduating and it is going to be damn tough to pass my exams and state boards now in this condition. I know I can do it but it will hard. I sometimes focus too hard on understanding the meaning of it all and the why of it. I wish my heart would heal as fast as my mind. The logical mind tells me uhh this happens and it was for the best. My heart tells me that sometimes you have to fight for someone you love… Then my mind says uhh but if you really love someone, you have to know when to let go because it is the right thing to do for that person and not to be selfish ugh… Why the hell does life not come with a damn fast forward button!!!

-L

dirtyrascal7

If I were you, I would give her the space she's asking for... if you truly have the connection you describe, she will realize what a mistake she's made by letting you go. However, I would ask her if it would be okay to email her occassionally just to keep in touch... say, once a month... but then STICK to that schedule. And when you do email her, do so without expectation... just a quick, "Hey, how are you? Hope things are well... Here's what's new with me." It will be tough and take a lot of self control, but fortunately you have a good destraction with your upcoming exams and graduation.

As for the heart vs. mind battle you have festering inside, just remember that she asked for this seperation... it's good that your heart tells you to fight for her, but fight when there are forces beyond the two of you keeping you apart, not when she asks for space.

Oh... and don't wish your life away. :-)

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

biking447

Thanks for the reply dirty!

Yeah it is hard not to want to txt, or call her. All i did today after our conversation was send her an email. In it i thanked her for expressing what she needed to express and thanked her for being strong enough to do the right thing.

I also asked her how to proceed and what she felt she would be comfortable with as far as interacting and communicating.

Now comes the hard part the waiting for a response. It is amazing how someone can come along and so soon become such a priority that you seem to forget other things around you and focus on them. Just knowing what i need to focus on (school) is not enough sometimes to actually doing it. However, if i don't give her the time to truly miss me then i won't be doing myself any favors either.

dirtyrascal7

The waiting is only as hard as you make it... most times I have found that I was worrying over nothing, so doesn't it make sense to not torture yourself until there is a valid reason to be upset?

And yeah... I know exactly what you mean by someone coming along and becoming the center of your world, just like that. I am currently job hunting, and I had my mind set on moving out of state... until I met up with my exgirlfriend last Friday. Today, I spent all day job searching locally... even though I have no idea what will happen with her, I can't stop thinking about the "what if?" and it's totally changed my perspective on my future.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

analog

Let her have her space. Don't wait for her, but it's *possible* that she'll date once or twice and feel like she left what she had with you for no reason. Again, don't wait for her, but just move along and know that if it's really "meant" to happen, it will happen. If both parties aren't fully into it, you don't want it getting forced anyway.

So, keep the communication to pleasantries and "how are you doing"s and go from there. I'd say keep the sex out of it unless you just want a repeat of the problems for which you're now seeking help.

biking447

Thanks analog,

You are right, it only takes one party to not be 100 % for the relationship for it not to work or to cause resentment to build and such. It will be hard to keep from wanting to see her but it will be for the best.

She does owe herself some time after her long marriage and hard divorce.

And i am leaning towards just keeping communication to pleasantries every now and then, instead of trying to be friends right off the bat. I think the more space in the beginning she has the better it will be. I hope at least it will give us a little distance, give her time to miss me, and once the emotions settle a bit we can start on the path to being friends.

It is damn hard to put her off my mind though, we were suppose to go to the chili peppers tomorrow . I know she will have a good time since it is one of her favorites. Things are still fresh and of course there are little reminders of her everywhere i look. I know in time these things fade, I know i have been heartbroken before but i guess i forgot just how much it can hurt. It never seems to get any easier even though you know you will make it out ok heh.

Well i am off to clinical i know she is working today at the hospital, but i don't have to work on her unit today. It will be hard not to want to have lunch but i will do my best to focus in the operating room, maybe the blood and gore will keep my mind off her a bit.

hagatha

You know, it always seems that the last relationship was "it" and that person was "the one", but then you meet someone else and realize that "hey, I connect with this person too". I wouldn't wait around for this woman to have a revelation that you two are meant to be together. It may not happen.

If you're not up to seeking another relationship, then don't do it. But if another possibility arises, don't let it pass by just because you're waiting for someone else.

__________________
Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

pig

i think you're doing what you have to do; the only thing i would add is you might look at acting in your own best interest. what i mean by that is the following: you are putting the situation in terms of what is best for her, which is commendable and understandable. however, you should also act for yourself; taking time off might be the best thing for you too. if you think its best not to see each other for a while, then take that initiative. find out her perspective on how to proceed, but i would advise that you not completely put yourself at her beck and call.

in these types of situations, i tend to consider the current chapter as closing. that doesn't preclude future involvement, but you have to accept the situation as it is. if she's not ready, then she's not ready. c'est la vie; not much you can do about it. in the end, after the tears have been cried and so forth, she's giving some pretty clear signals. i've seen these situations go from cuddly "i really wish we had met under different circumstances, i really love you in some special way" to "god i hate your guts leave me the fuck alone" in the blink of an eye. good luck.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

biking447

Yeah since it is still so fresh my emotions are not completely stable yet. I keep going back and forth as to try to be friends or just let her go with no contact.

I am going to focus on my school, graduating, finding the right job, then finding the right place to live for myself. I don't really plan on dating much until i have those goals accomplished.

I talked to her earlier today and she was not sure how she wanted to proceed. She said basically that she would keep me if i could do the open relationship so that she might be weak if we were to see each other as friends. I think the best thing to do even though it will be really hard, is to just not contact her for now. She has a birthday coming up in April, so I an just send a simple email wishing her happy birthday then. If she responds fine if not well then back to focusing on me and moving forward.

Thanks for the responses,

It really helps to vent here.

biking447

Well a week has gone by. It has been hard but i am still functioning heh.

She called and IMed last night and wanted me to come over to see her.

I declined and now I think she is really mad. I think she is wanting to think it is my fault for the break up.....

I mean just because i wanted a one on one relationship and not an open one i am to blame hehe.

I guess if i have to be hated for wanting to be faithful and loyal well there are worse things to be hated for.

Of course she just could be going through an anger stage and be uncertain of what she really wants......

It is hard but by keeping distance and not giving in to temptation i think i will be able to look at myself in the mirror and be ok!

dirtyrascal7

Good for you... I know how much self control that takes, it's very tough.

You are definitely doing the right thing by not giving in to her "open relationship" request. She is just angry because she can't, as they say, have her cake and eat it, too. You have the power now, so keep at it and stay strong.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

biking447

Thanks! In my heart, I know I am doing the right thing. As painful as it is, i know i will be just that much more prepared the next time fate has it in for me to find love.

little_tippler

Having read your OP and subsequent updates, I think really she just wanted to have her cake and eat it. Granted she may be confused, but to tell you repeatedly that she loves you but then tell you to back off so she can think about it is just denial of what's obvious: she doesn't want to commit to you. Not as in right now, but I mean to you specifically. She may be coming out of a tough relationship and need some space, but there's a difference between wanting some space, and telling someone to go away (and come back when I need a fuck buddy). When the people are really right, together, timing is the last thing on anyone's mind - at least that's how I've always seen it.
She's not being fair to you, and I think it's awful when people tell you to wait for them. Why should you? Are you so terrible that you have to wait around for someone to throw you a bone? Of course you're not. Get on with your life and if she comes back, seriously consider whether she won't change her mind again - if it's worth it, you'll know what to do when the time comes.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

biking447

She's not being fair to you, and I think it's awful when people tell you to wait for them. Why should you? Are you so terrible that you have to wait around for someone to throw you a bone? Of course you're not. Get on with your life and if she comes back, seriously consider whether she won't change her mind again - if it's worth it, you'll know what to do when the time comes.[/QUOTE]


Thanks,

Yeah if i just wanted a friends with benefit it would be a good situation. I think that right now though i can hold off and focus on myself first. Once my situation stabilizes then i can look for a better match. I found out i have some really good supportive friends and they are keeping me busy. They also help when i have weak moments hehe.