biking447

Hey guys,

This is my first post and it is going to be long. So, quit now if you are not up to it.
I wanted to get some advice and input on a situation I am currently experiencing. I know you guys have all been through different circumstances in life and it is often good to get an outside view sometimes.

This is the story. I am a 35yr old male who has had two long-term relationships in the past. The first was when I was still in high school and lasted 10 yrs. My next relationship lasted 3yrs. In both I lived with the person and in both I think the relationships ended due to a failure on my part to express my fears and insecurities in a beneficial way. I have learned a lot from those relationships, I learn more things about myself from them even now.

Now after my last relationship the 3yr one ended In 2003 I decided to just be a little selfish and take some time for myself. I went back to school to change careers and everything was going ok. I was not extremely happy but was not sad either. I made a decision not to really date at all since I needed to focus on getting myself into a stable situation and into a better career. Well lo and behold one day in clinical I meet a person who really catches my attention! I briefly get to talk to her a few times and actually get to work with her during a delivery. When I go back to talk to her again and find out if she has an email or if she would like to talk again over lunch I can not find her. I knew I would not be on the unit again so most likely would never see her again. I was a little bummed even only talking with her just a few times. I knew her name from her badge and found her lunch box in the refrigerator. Well I took a chance and left her a note in her lunch box, I felt weird about it cause hell I thought she might just think I was some sort of stalker! It turned out ok though. I got an email from her 2 days later and we had our first date soon after.

We immediately hit it off, it was one of those situations where you feel you have known this person all your life. The first time we had sex made me feel like was 18 again. It was not awkward at all and she would later admit that it was the first time anyone had ever given her multiple orgasms. We kept seeing each other but then I got an email from her saying that even though she enjoyed the times we shared she was not looking for a relationship. At the time of that email I thought to myself geesh neither am I. So we sort of agreed to a casual relationship in which I thought meant we would just cap our feelings and not take it to the next level. Her definition of casual was different; it meant more of an open relationship. As time went on, I thought I could handle an open relationship but it was just not for me. We saw each other for about 6 months and each of us got attached to each other. Now we had a conversation today in which was full of tears and we decided to end it. She claims she loves me, she says no one has ever touched her or made her feel this way before. It is just we are victims of timing.

She has just recently gotten divorced from a 15 yr marriage that was bad and has one 8yr daughter. She had one boyfriend before her husband and that relationship was terrible as well. She never knew she was having bad sex this whole time because she just never had any experience. Once she got divorced and had a couple of one night stands she found out what sex was about and that it could actually be enjoyable. Even though she claims I am the best, and that no one has ever made her feel the way I make her feel she is not ready for a relationship so soon after her divorce. She also wants to know what is out there I guess to compare. I tried to ask her what that means but it is still confusing to me. I can understand that she is not in a position to start a relationship right now. From what I gather, she just needs time to herself and to date and have fun. So soon after a divorce, it is hard to be trusting to another person. I know it was a hard decision for her to make. She cried as much as I did during our conversation and constantly said I love you to me. However, in her heart she knows that she needs this time and space to be fair to her.

I am trying to accept that, I truly am. It is so hard to feel so powerless to help her through this situation. The only thing I can do is to set her free and hope that one day she recognizes what she had and comes back. The problem is I have never had the opportunity to end a relationship like this and still be able to contact or see the person. My 10 yr relationship ended on a phone call, and I never saw her again. That was tough to take, eventually over time though I healed. That person and I now send each other Christmas emails and greetings but still have never talked in person. My other relationship the 3yr one, well she left and took our dogs without warning and moved to Seattle with out saying goodbye. I tried to contact her but she ignored all attempts of phone calls and emails. I have never heard from her again.

I don’t really know what the protocol is for breaking up as odd as that sounds. I mean she has the potential to be such a good friend even if we are not lovers or life partners. The only thing I could think to do was send her an email asking her what she felt comfortable doing. I asked her for her help in what to do now. I want her to be comfortable so if she needs me to be invisible for a given amount of time then I can try to do that. If she needs me to not contact her until she contacts me then I can try to do that. If she wants to try to be friends and be platonically then I can try to do that. She has admitted that it would be hard for her not to want to be intimate with me, so I would have to be strong and resist the urge to sleep with her again.

I think I have rambled enough, I just wanted to get some view points and maybe some tales others have had as to bad timing in a relationship. She does feel that if we had met at a later time she would be able to totally be comfortable in committing to a relationship. That is hard to hear though because there is nothing I can do about that ugh!! I know deep down in my heart that I will eventually find love again. That does not decrease the pain or hurt that I feel right now though. It seems that we did not even get a chance to try in this relationship and I hate the fact that when I finally feel I am ready to have a good relationship timing screws me over! I want to hear from others what things help the pain.

I am about 2 months from graduating and it is going to be damn tough to pass my exams and state boards now in this condition. I know I can do it but it will hard. I sometimes focus too hard on understanding the meaning of it all and the why of it. I wish my heart would heal as fast as my mind. The logical mind tells me uhh this happens and it was for the best. My heart tells me that sometimes you have to fight for someone you love… Then my mind says uhh but if you really love someone, you have to know when to let go because it is the right thing to do for that person and not to be selfish ugh… Why the hell does life not come with a damn fast forward button!!!

-L