Dan1006

Hey,

I'm having some serious problems dealing with my girlfriends ex boyfriend at the moment, its probably best to start with some background information, so here goes.

I moved to Uni in September 2006, into a house with 5 other people, one of these people would become my current girlfriend. In the next two weeks Lilly's (My girlfriend) Ex boyfriend (Who also goes to Uni at the same place as us) would call her, came round about 4 times, on two of those occasions they slept together. At this point they had been split up from a 10 month relationship for about a month.

After 2 weeks of living in the house and seriously getting to know the girl, we were up in my room and well it basically just happened, we had sex that night.
The next morning we were basically going out with each other ( I know it happened very very quickly!).

A month went by and it was going really really well, then the EX BF popped up again.....

He would call her and text her, leave her messages on facebook wanting to get back together with her. I started feeling really really paranoid and unconfortable, especially when he wanted to go for a drink with her, she was going to say yes unless i told her how i felt about the whole thing.

In January this year we decided to stop going out with each other and to just be friends. I found this really hard because we both live together and basically see each other 24/7. So i went back to her twice asking to give it another go, she turned me down on both those occasions, because she said she wanted "More time".
After that i decided to just try and forget her and get on with uni life, but one thing that did puzzle me was that in the 'break' she wanted, she made her EX boyfriend a collage of their time together when they went to the Zoo once. I asked her why she did it and if she did it because she still had feelings for him but she said because she had promised that she would once when they were still going out.....

A week later she came back to me wanting to get back with me. To be honest i was shocked that a week was enough time to sort herself out so I agreed that we could try again, as long as she would sort the EX Boyfriend issue out.

Two nights ago we were out at a club and she bumped into him and they chatted for about 20 minutes. I felt so uncomfortable that yesturday I confronted her about it and basically said "Why cant you just not reply to his texts or messages on facebook for a while until he gets bored or gets the idea into his thick skull that you dont want to be with him?"

her response was

"I cant just cut someone out of my life like that!" and ran out of my room.

Im so confused about this whole thing!, i mean, does she still have feelings for him? because it sounds like she does but she says she does'nt!"

Any suggestions on what to do next would be so so helpfull!.

tinfoil

Well, it's plain to me that there is still something between the two of them. If a girlfriend of mine were doing that sort of thing, I'd be pretty paranoid as well, but I think after some time I would be forced to drop her, saying look me up when you've figured out whether or not you're still dating the ex.

It's a fine line between remaining friends and hanging onto the old relationship. It's possible, I suppose, that she doesn't still have feelings for him, but instead feels guilty and the ex is playing on it. But I don't think that is the case.

Give her some space to figure her shit out, but by all means don't ignore other women while you've given her the space she needs.

__________________
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Jinn

She wants the buffet;

She doesn't want to have to pick between the chicken or the steak, as she'd rather have both on her plate.

That's my take. I know the power of attraction is strong, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't make a damned decision and stick with it.

Also thought to mention that you might be approaching the problem the wrong way. You don't have a problem with the ex-boyfriend. He has no obligation to you or her to stop his behavior, as it's clearly not harassment.

Your "girlfriend," however, has entered in an agreement with you (by nature of being in a relationship with you) to be faithful. As such, she's the one you have the issue with, not him.

__________________
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Seaver

She still likes her ex as much as she likes you, you have to realize this. Jinn is right, the ex boyfriend is doing nothing different than you are. Realize this, you two are broken up right now. I know she came back to you wanting to get back together, which is exactly what she did with the other ex when you two broke up.

Don't hate the other ex-, he's playing the same game you are. You have to get her to understand that for you and her to get along she needs to see only you. She is confused right now, and confused people can justify stupid stupid things.

Answer: She still likes him, and while she doesn't want to be with him she still thinks about him and still most definately wants his penis.

Simply tell her that you find what she is doing is unacceptable, and to change or you're through. I'm pretty certain she'll choose the latter, but it's the only way for you two. She'll come back every once in a while, after she re-realized why she broke up with her other ex. This will be your second chance to lay down what is acceptable, and her second time accept or leave.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

Toaster126

Well, either she wants you both and doesn't want to decide, or she has no feelings for the ex but wants to remain friends with him.

It's probably the former.

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"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Willravel

You should rape the guy, then when she tells you to stop be like "I cant just cut someone out of my life like that!".

Seriously, she needs to decide. Unless you're willing to share her, and it doesn't sound that way, she has to pick.

Dan1006

Cheers for the reply's guys. I basically said to her look i cant handle the whole EX boyfriend thing at the moment, lets juts be friends. She was fine with it but now she is literally begging me to come back to her!, i dont know what to do or say to her to make her realise that the only way im going to go back to her is if i really truly know she wants me this time. Shit like the collage really dosnt help me believing her when she says she loves me....

Seaver

Told you she'd beg you to come back after you say that, stick to your guns or she will NEVER respect you and will pull this stuff on you till the end of days.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

serlindsipity

Sounds like she's just enjoying the attention from both avenues. Perhaps divert your attention elsewhere and make it known for a little taste of her own medicine? And if youre not feeling that vindictive, just tell her that you see something like that and will not be part of the fun and games for her because for you, its NOT fun and games!

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My third eye is my camera's lens.

Sharon

She sounds like trouble to me. I think you should let this one get away. Date other women.

tooth

Quoted for truth. Go back to her now, and she will continue to play you.

I would seriously be looking for a new place to stay if at all possible. This is not going to get better with you two living together.

dirtyrascal7

She's told you that she loves you? Oh geesh...

This girl is filled with two things -- drama and immaturity.

Usually, I don't like siding with the "run away" crowd... but there is very little chance this situation will end well, either with you and her going out or just as friends... she will bring you more frustration, pain, worry, and paranoia than it's worth. There are so many other girls at Uni, you'd be foolish to waste your time with a girl like this.

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The_Jazz

You're the ex here but you just don't seem to realize it. Sorry, but she's in the process of getting back together here. Maybe you'll get back together in the future, but I'd stay away from that I were you.

However, the trade off is that you can now play those fun passive/aggresive games in the house.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

MEAD

Seems to me like, initially, she slept with you in an attempt to get over her EX. She didn't want to be with him for whatever reason, but also knew she couldn't get him out of her head. She became prematurely attached to you to get him out of her head, although it seems it didn't work. She seems very confused.
I think a compassionate thing to do would be to just stay away from her. Be distant, but kind, and use this opportunity to not play games or be an ass. You will have a greater piece of mind in the end if you do.

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serlindsipity

Damnit MEAD, youre being level headed. I hate when I someone likes you makes me realize the error of my ways. Sigh...

But no less, youre more right than many. Thanks for not being a meany like me =P Silly nice guys!

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My third eye is my camera's lens.

Sharon

Are you dissing nice guys, serlindsipity? Are you a bad-boy girl?

World's King

Yes she is.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

skier

Like many others have said already, keep your distance until she's made a decision, and have her aware that that is the reason you are keeping your distance.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

pig

man, fuck that. if you ask me, she's already made her decision for the time being. telling her that you're waiting for her to make her mind up gives her all the control. don't negotiate with her, just don't put your tongue in her mouth for a while. there's no reason to get mad at her; she's where she is, she still has issues with her last relationship, and i predict a pain in your ass for a while.

that said, its hard to turn away a chick you're attracted to when you live in the same place, so i just remember to enjoy yourself. you're going to pay for what you get, regardless - so if you look at it an opportunity to enjoy the experience, you'll probably be more or less ok.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Sharon

Heh, thought she might be.

Bill O'Rights

Been there...done that...got the t-shirt. The club meets on the second Thurday of every month.

Look...take it from one of the resident old farts...

Run.
Run fast...run far.
Do not stop to look back.
Get away.
Oh...she'll cry. She'll beg. She'll plead. It's all a game, man...and you're the pawn.

She's a manipulator, and it's always going to be like this. Trust me.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

World's King

She did date me after all...

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

skier

control of what?

He isn't waiting on her (or shouldn't be). I'm just saying he should make her aware that the reason they aren't together is because of her indecision with her ex-boyfriend.

basically saying "If you figure your shit out, i'm available."

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Sharon

Ah, sorry I wasn't aware of that part of your histories.

pig

skier: sorry, didn't mean for that to sound confrontational...i easily forget that my bullshittery doesn't necessarily come across too well in written format. regardless, I'd agree that being blunt and honest about the reason i'd be distancing myself from her romantically, but i wouldn't tell her "if you figure your shit out, i'm available." in my opinion, that devalues yourself. you're saying its all her call, and you'll go with whatever. these days, i'd prefer to be more proactive, and to act in ways that makes me feel like i'm taking ownership for my decisions and my life. in this situation, for me that would involve basically saying "i hope you figure your shit out, and i'll be here for you as a friend to whatever extent is natural at that time - but i'm wrapping up the romantic phase of this relationship. your behavior is unacceptable."

in my experience, in other course of action ends in a bunch of horseshit melodrama, and the end result is the same. it doesn't work out, because she stays with the guy / keeps being emotionally unfaithful, or else i sabotage it because i feel uncomfortable with the situation. i'd rather just skip it. now, if he just wants a convenient source of nearby company, then thats a different situation, which is accompanied by a different mindset.

hope that makes my position a little clearer.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

skier

It does, thanks for the clarification. Perhaps i just see things in a different light. To me my statement implies that I already have my own life figured out, and if she wants to be included in that life she needs to grow up and make a decision. If she came to a decision i would see that she had enforced it (ie. cut all romantic ties with the ex) before being with her again. I'm not devaluing myself because i am already secure in my status and self worth, and that i am not dependent on her answer for a positive outcome about myself. It might not be proactive, as it removes myself from her issue, but i'd prefer not to deal with that level of stress and i get to put my effort towards more profitable? endeavors instead.

I have clear reasons for excluding people from my life, and if they can overcome their issues or problems i see no reason why i can't let them back in again if they feel compelled to reach out to me.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

KirStang

Seriously, I was thinking of writing this yesterday.

Move on, find another girl. She's takin advantage of you, and doesn't respect u.

serlindsipity

Ok Sharon and WK, no more threadjacking! I like lots of boys, good, bad, tall and short.

Any updates DAN?

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My third eye is my camera's lens.

oneofmanymen

I don't think this situation will ever change as long as both of yo are available to her at a whim. I would remove myself from this situation as soon as possible. I also wouldn't try to be a "friend" to her in this situation. She seems very good at sucking people back in.

Stay away and find happiness elsewhere.

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Everything works if you let it....

Impetuous1

Definitely stay away from her. I've also been there. With the genders reversed. I foolishly put up with that kind of behavior for way too long. All it brought me was pain, paranoia and self-doubt. He told me I was a jealous person and being very paranoid. I stupidly started to buy into that reasoning. He also did the collage thing and even though we had been dating for over a year I was not in it. So yeah, run fast and far. It was a very hard lesson to learn but I am never going through that again. Life's too short to put up with other people's games (though she may not realize that she is playing games). It's your life and you can help others to decide how you want to be treated.