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Originally Posted by pigglet
skier: sorry, didn't mean for that to sound confrontational...i easily forget that my bullshittery doesn't necessarily come across too well in written format. regardless, I'd agree that being blunt and honest about the reason i'd be distancing myself from her romantically, but i wouldn't tell her "if you figure your shit out, i'm available." in my opinion, that devalues yourself. you're saying its all her call, and you'll go with whatever. these days, i'd prefer to be more proactive, and to act in ways that makes me feel like i'm taking ownership for my decisions and my life. in this situation, for me that would involve basically saying "i hope you figure your shit out, and i'll be here for you as a friend to whatever extent is natural at that time - but i'm wrapping up the romantic phase of this relationship. your behavior is unacceptable."
in my experience, in other course of action ends in a bunch of horseshit melodrama, and the end result is the same. it doesn't work out, because she stays with the guy / keeps being emotionally unfaithful, or else i sabotage it because i feel uncomfortable with the situation. i'd rather just skip it. now, if he just wants a convenient source of nearby company, then thats a different situation, which is accompanied by a different mindset.
hope that makes my position a little clearer.
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It does, thanks for the clarification. Perhaps i just see things in a different light. To me my statement implies that I already have my own life figured out, and if she wants to be included in that life she needs to grow up and make a decision. If she came to a decision i would see that she had enforced it (ie. cut all romantic ties with the ex) before being with her again. I'm not devaluing myself because i am already secure in my status and self worth, and that i am not dependent on her answer for a positive outcome about myself. It might not be proactive, as it removes myself from her issue, but i'd prefer not to deal with that level of stress and i get to put my effort towards more profitable? endeavors instead.
I have clear reasons for excluding people from my life, and if they can overcome their issues or problems i see no reason why i can't let them back in again if they feel compelled to reach out to me.