uptown

the partner with the lower sex drive in a relationship and you went to offer your SO the obligatory x1 per week sex performance and they thanked you but turned you down,telling you that you needn't be bothered because they'd already taken care of themselves.

how many people with high sex drives here get tired of feeling like they beg and grovel for sex from their partners ? How many of you find it such a turn off over time that you decline the rare offer the lower drive parter may make ?

eribrav

I would think that that exchange indicated serious problems with the relationship, and I'd be looking even deeper to see what other issues were lurking beneath the surface.

SugahBritches

Right eribrav. I'm not so sure sex can be taken for granted as the real problem here IMO.

ngdawg

If they're 'taking care of it' themselves, lower sex drive isn't the problem. Either they're bored, angry or out of love/attraction.
Time for a sitdown.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Sultana

I think it's an open door to trouble, and it'd be better to address it directly. Worst case scenario, it'd be better to go separate routes than tear each other up. Best case scenario, something can be worked out without resentment on either side.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

uptown

It's the partner with the higher drive taking care of their sexual needs on their own because whenever they try to iniate the lower drïve partner isn't interested.The lower drive partner initiates very infrequently and usually always only at the times that are the worst for the partner with the higher drive.

Bottom line-the higher drive partner is sick of feeling like sex is only offered to them like it's some sort of obligatory chore. I'd just as soon say skip it and masterbate.

SugahBritches

Uptown, I might be speaking waaaay out of line and this doesn't concern your situation, you can just tell me so!

First of all, how was the situation BEFORE this transpired? I mean, how long have you two had this relationship? Was it like that at first? Were you the one that did the iniating?

So many things can "play" in this, or some other issue, besides sex, is or can be the root of it. I don't know. I personally need more info.

Question: Do you both still flirt/tease or do the foreplay kinda thing? I mean, are you having fun outside the bedroom?

Toaster126

Resentment kills relationships.

In my mind, the only difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship should be the sexual nature. If you aren't having a good sexual relationship, try to fix it or leave. You want your SO to be your SO, not a platonic friend.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

insidious_machinae

*raises hand*
But LPM and I have talked about this endlessly. It's a vicious cycle where I wait awhile for her to initiate, and then get impatient after 3-4 weeks and start a fight, with the intent to break up. At that point she gives in, we have sex, and the cycle repeats. Overall she feels guilty for not having the drive I do because she feels she isn't good enough for me, and I feel guilty for having the drive I do because I should love her for more than her body.

Of course, in addition to what I said before, Toaster126 basically stated my view on relationships for me. I don't really need an SO for anything but the sexual aspect because I have other friends who have more in common with me, more similar interests, more similar lines of thinking, and in general tend to do a better job of "filling in the gaps" I need filled to feel like my life is complete and satisfying.

I've been in this predicament for months, and have made many posts about this. Some of those posts started more fights. But, speaking rhetorically, what am I supposed to do? I'm not really look for an answer because nobody's qualified to give me one. But I do know that it's wearing down on me, and I wanted to take the time to vent.

Edit:
I'd like to add that she just read this post, and stated that (as I expected) she feels guilty for me even bringing this up. Our sex life is dead for a large variety of reasons: her eating disorders, her back problems, her chronic pain, the child abuse she endured growing up, and more. Often it's more than I can handle, to constantly have to be Atlas supporting the world on my shoulders, when really what I need to help me wind down is a good screw and a margarita.

ngdawg

I'm still of the opinion I stated earlier; sorry I got the participants mixed up. Sex drive is in the head-when it's not there, barring health reasons, there's a reason it's not there for that person. As far as for the initiation of sex when it's most inconvenient for the other, that's probably on purpose so you won't complain it's never reciprocal..'Well, whenI do initiate it, you say no, so don't blame me'.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Kaliena

Honestly, I'd like to hope that all people still masterbate from time to time even in healthy relationships.

From most of the sex books I've read, masterbation helps keep sexuality in a relationship as it keeps you sexual active and oriented. I personally am the one with a the lower sex drive and I've found that it did help (not to gross anyone out).

I can't really answer the question here but I can say from a lower sex drive oriented person that honestly, it's something the person really has to want to work on themselves. If I get pushed, the more negatively I react.

Eh, not sure if any of this helps.

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~Beware the waffle~

Mantus

Honestly.
I've only ever asked for sex once in my life with my ex of 7 years (sometime during the 5th year). It resulted in a very lame if not painful experience for me and probably her. I made a promise to never go though that ever again.

My soluction has been simple: have options. Obvsiouly those in long term relationships that wish to stay with their SO wont be able to use that advice.

I think Wiltravel and I posted advice on keeping the fires going in one thread or another. My point was generally on rewarding vs asking for sex. There are many subbtle ways men end up asking for sex and approval which does nothing but decreasing their sexual appeal.


nwlinkvxd,

Some concepts for you to brood over:

- attraction is NOT a choice
- if a person doesnt want to be happy, you can't make them happy

...tell me what you think.

Arsenic7

Your attitude about it seems kinda off.

I know, even if I was deprived, if my so was blatantly not all that into it I would be really turned off and simply decline.

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This is no sig.

healer

Sex - especially in a relationship - is never something that should be done because it is expected. Obligatory X1 per week? I wouldn't want sex from anyone who felt obligated to have sex with me. If there is no want, then what's the point?

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analog

What he said.

Crack

what he said too.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

robot_parade

*sigh*

We have this problem to - with myself as the partner with (much) more of a drive. We've tried to work on this from several angles, and haven't found a really satisfactory solution. I think there has been at least one time when I said 'no thanks'...because:

o I had literally just finished 'taking care of business'
and:
o I pretty much thought she was offering out of obligation.

So, for now, I'm not totally happy with the situation, and not sure how to 'fix' it. The 'other options' that Mantus mentions is, alas, not a possibility for me.

Tirian

Can I add (with experience) some of the feelings and emotions that may come to the mind of the higher driven partner when the other repeatedly turns down advances, and when the do agree they don't exactly get fully involved so to speak.

* It generates feelings of rejection for the higher drive partner.
* It kills the emotion of closeness (which is usually the feeling dwmanded by the lower drive person).
* It leaves the person with feelings of insecurity, both about self image and about the relationship in general.
* It causes the higher drive person to question the love and commitment of the lower partner.
* Feelings of not being loved are generated.

Eventually I can easily see how this can lead to a situation where the person with the higher drive simply ceases to request sex, ceases to make advances, and ecentually turns down the partner.

I don't know if I'm allowed to link to a book here, but I think It's OK.

I was looking for information on this subject weeks ago and came across this web site....

http://divorcebusting.com/dbsex.mv?ARTID=sexstarved

The author has a book called "The Sex Starved Marraige". I intend to read it, but have not yet so I cannot post a review here.

Here's a quote from the first chapter available online....

"Contrary to what you might be thinking, saying a marriage is sex-starved tells you virtually nothing about how much or how little sex a couple is actually having." .... " It’s not about numbers. Since, unlike vitamins, there are no recommended daily requirements to insure a healthy sex life, a sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his/her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed. The resulting disintegration of the relationship encapsulates the real meaning of a sex-starved marriage."

This sounds a bit like some of the things posted in this thread. It also reflects some of my own opinion on the subject. Anyways this entire book is written on the subject asked by the OP, so I thought I'd bring it to your attention.

PS If anyone has read this book, I'd appreaciate a post or PM about it.

Oh this is SOOOO true, and if a person dosn't like themself, you can't make them do that either.

Both a big factor in a sexual relationship in my opinion.

Kaliena

I'm really glad you posted that...for some reason, I always end up feeling like there's a certain number of times I should be having sex in order to have a sexually healthy relationship.

Kudos for good research

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~Beware the waffle~

uptown

Well, trust me, he doesn't have to worry about me "pushing" the issue ever again. Obligatory sex is totally a turn off.

Lady Sage

I just have low sex drive *shrug* doesnt seem to be much of a problem. If one of us wants it and the other isnt in the mood we can take care of ourselves. Ours is a relationship based on more than sex.

ngdawg

Uptown, took me a while, but you've posted about this and how you just don't have the drive, you have issues with your body image, etc.
This may be a tad blunt, but, if you have those issues, do you really have the right to complain he already 'took care of business'? It would seem to me he does what's expected at this point. He's of the opinion, 'why bother'...
Do you expect him to wait for you to get your passion on, especially in light of your previous posts? Turn someone down often enough or show disinterest often enough and you've basically sealed your own fate.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

uptown

my self esteem and body image took a nose dive as result of my low drve partner.He had trouble orgasming, he often would lose his erections.. the subtle and not so subtle messages was that I wasn't good enough.


At this point in time, things have changed, I got sick of basically having to beg for sex and feeling like he was somehow lowering himself to perform some distasteful chore.I no longer initiate and on the rare occasions that he does offer I politely decline. He doesn't seem upset in the least and actually appears relieved when I decline.