How to deal with being emotionally needy - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

neflyte · 07-09-2006, 06:33 AM

My girlfriend and I have been dating for very close to 3 years. She is 6 years younger than I and we're both each other's firsts. So, already in the grand scheme of things the odds are against me. When we met, we instantly clicked. We clicked better than i'd ever hoped for in a relationship. Here was a woman who had all of the qualities that I was looking for. She always wanted the best for people, and I was no exception.

Cut to a year later. I (stupidly) had it in my head that I wanted to move the relationship forward to the sexual level despite the fact that she wanted to wait for marriage. She isn't religious, but definately spiritual. I, however, could only think with my 'other' brain and applied pressures for this. It happened one day after she moved to attend college. She didn't say no, but she didn;t really want to do it. We're both at fault for that. I did wrong by her for only wanting her for sex sometimes. We talked about it on occasion and I got better at leaving that behind me and focusing on enjoying her and what we had. All the while, she was battling a less-than-stellar childhood and then the urge to find out what else was out there. Through it all, she still wanted us to be together how we were.

So, now cut to a few months ago. She had moved a second time, just for a month so she could complete an externship to go along with her schooling. At the end of this period, she told me that she wanted to "take a break". Naturally, I was very heartbroken. We talked on the phone for a while that night, and through both of our tears she tells me that she still wants us to be together, but that she wants to see other people. That was a hard 2 weeks for me. After she moved back home, she told me that she wanted to be back with me. She said that she realized what she had and didn't want to give that up.

By this time, I was no longer as comfortable or confident in our relationship as I once was. I'm an emotionally needy guy. I'm finding that lately I want to hear my girlfriend reassure me that she still loves me and that she feels the same way about me that she used to. There was a point where she told me that she wasn't sure she could love someone who didn;t respect her. And it's true, I didn't respect her. I used her for sex on more than one occasion. When I realized what I had done, I had taken steps to resolve it. I'd been so used to wanting sex that I had to find ways to deal with it. I did just that, and she came back to me a few weeks later and told me that she was feeling the love she had for me again. We decided to abstain from regular sex, choosing instead to keep to oral or tantric sex whenever we had our fun.

My girlfriend works every day of the week during the summer. She barely has time for herself, let alone me. So, we cut back how often we see each other so that she can have time for a social life as well as work. That fact alone took me a couple weeks to come to terms with. But, apparently she still loves me and still cares. When I was with her last weekend we cuddled and kissed and had a wonderful time. She showed me that she still loved me.

So, now to my dilemma. I'm finding it very hard to cope with not having all the reassurances I once had that she still loves me. I worry about all the possible bad things that could happen to us. I worry that the next time I chat to her online or talk to her that she'll want to just break it off. And I don't want to talk to her about this. I worry that If I do, she'll get tired of always hearing me talk about it and just want to leave me more. I'm trying to spend more time with my friends but it seems that I can't stop thinking about my girlfriend and that I want more reassurances from her, whether it be a hug and a smile or some words. I should also mention that I live 2 hours away from her as I moved in January of this year to get a better job. It was our original intention that she move up to this area after a while and that we'd live together.

This is starting to take it's toll on me physically and mentally. Does anyone have advice for how I could deal with all of this?

thespian86 · 07-09-2006, 07:56 AM

It's all about habit and safety. You had obviously gotten use to a constant in your life and now that it's gone you are reacting to it like any other person with an addiction would. You just need to wait it out, let the need kind of go away. Withdrawl is always hard, especially the emotional aspect of it, and once it's gone you'll probably feel a million times more comfortable in your relationship. With less leaning you can kind of stand on your own. It's probably a lot healthier.

Supple Cow · 07-09-2006, 08:29 AM

How to deal with being emotionally needy is for YOU to deal with it. It sounds like there are deeper issues, either for you or in your relationship, so figure out the problem and deal with it.

You sound like you're just waiting for her to leave you... is this because you think she doesn't want you anymore or that she is just waiting for something better to come along? Is it because you are waiting for her to figure out that you aren't the person she thinks you are? What really is the issue? If you don't trust her, then you shouldn't be with her. If you are lacking confidence and self-esteem (which you are, if you need her reassurances to have them), then you should work on that and stop trying to push off the issues onto a relationship that is functioning well enough.

Sultana · 07-09-2006, 09:51 AM

Well, I can see how you have (like many people), taken for granted something that is a large part of your emotional foundation. When that's been shown to not be as unshakeable, as stable as you thought, it's a shock. Then if/when you get it back you constantly want to test it, and convince yourself that it can "bear your weight", your trust. This is completely understandable, and normal.

However, you don't want to let that cripple you. It's important to get into a more self-sufficient emotional state, and then decide if you are going to trust that person again. Also, it's a real good idea to be aware that you shouldn't take people for granted. There's a big different between trust, and taking them for granted.

I can also recommend a good book on working on co-dependency: The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie. If you think you might be co-dependant. It's actually quite a good read, regardless. It gives a lot of concrete, active suggestions for thought-process evaluations and modifications.

Good luck, man. Give us updates, OK? It's really nice to get feedback on our thoughtful advice.

Supple Cow · 07-09-2006, 10:50 AM

Oh yeah, Sultana reminds me...

I learned all about working on co-dependency from a book, too. Actually, it was two books: The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets the Big 'O', both by Shel Silverstein. You'll find them in the children's section of any major bookstore... they carry lessons that one is never too old or too young to learn.

neflyte · 07-10-2006, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

You sound like you're just waiting for her to leave you... is this because you think she doesn't want you anymore or that she is just waiting for something better to come along? Is it because you are waiting for her to figure out that you aren't the person she thinks you are? What really is the issue?

She told me once that she's the type of person that "waits for the ball to drop". I think that's what I find myself doing as well. I'm just waiting for her to find some reason to break it off, even though I don't want it to end. So, maybe this is all in my head and I just need to learn to let go of those feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sultana

It's important to get into a more self-sufficient emotional state, and then decide if you are going to trust that person again. Also, it's a real good idea to be aware that you shouldn't take people for granted. There's a big different between trust, and taking them for granted.

What exactly do you mean by "taking them for granted"? Do you mean assuming that they will always be there or always have feelings for me?

Quote:

I can also recommend a good book on working on co-dependency: The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie. If you think you might be co-dependant. It's actually quite a good read, regardless. It gives a lot of concrete, active suggestions for thought-process evaluations and modifications.

I'll pick this up and give it a read. I don't want to add any more stressors to our relationship than what already exists.

I'm thinking that this really is just all in my head. I mean, she's made some nice plans for our 3-year anniversary already, and its not for another 1.5 months. I know she wouldn't do this if she weren't happy with our relationship.

There have been some recent changes in her life which I'm not used to. Some of my concern is warranted, however the length to which I'm taking it is not. She has started to hang around a couple single guys. This concerned me. However, when I asked her about it she said it was strictly platonic and that she's not out to replace me; she just wants to make some new friends and develop a social life...something she has lacked for quite a while. I'm gradually getting used to this. To be honest, when I stop to think about it, it's not a big deal at all. She's allowed to have her friends and her social life. I shouldn't impede that. Perhaps she just wants to spend some more time with other people so she can miss me more. We did used to see each other quite a bit, and exclusively, mind you.

I also seem to have an issue with plans being changed or cancelled. I always seem to think that she's changing plans because she wants to hang out with someone else, or because she's unhappy with me for some reason even though she never gives any evidence to confirm that. There's always a legitimate reason for changing plans. I just think the worst of it.

Supple Cow · 07-10-2006, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by neflyte

She told me once that she's the type of person that "waits for the ball to drop". I think that's what I find myself doing as well. I'm just waiting for her to find some reason to break it off, even though I don't want it to end.

*snip*

I'm thinking that this really is just all in my head. I mean, she's made some nice plans for our 3-year anniversary already, and its not for another 1.5 months. I know she wouldn't do this if she weren't happy with our relationship.

Is she really like that all the time (waiting for the ball to drop)? Do you think it applies in this context? How can you know for sure that her planning an anniversary celebration 1.5 months in advance means that she's happy? Some people do that kind of thing because they're busy still trying to convince themselves that they are.

Here's a real good example of what I'm getting at...

Quote:

Originally Posted by neflyte

There's always a legitimate reason for changing plans. I just think the worst of it.

Yes, it's true that there's always a legitimate reason for changing plans. One reason could be that she wants to meet other people and decide whether or not she wants to be with you. From what you've written, I can't tell whether or not you're just thinking the worst of it for no reason, or if your distress over this is warranted. Does she say that she can't make it and then not offer or refuse to answer you with her reasons? Or does she give you a reason you would find acceptable, but you just don't believe her? It's important to know which it is - because one answer is the result of her actions and the other is the result of yours. One answer means that your relationship is probably doomed anyway, and the other means that you just need to stop thinking about things so much and just enjoy yourself (not to mention be more trusting of your girlfriend).

neflyte · 07-10-2006, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supple Cow

How can you know for sure that her planning an anniversary celebration 1.5 months in advance means that she's happy?

I can't know for sure that anything is what it seems. However, she hasn't told me that she's not interested anymore or that she's unhappy with our relationship. I ask every so often if she's happy with what we have and she always says she is. I might just be paranoid about all the changes simply because I'm not used to them.

Quote:

From what you've written, I can't tell whether or not you're just thinking the worst of it for no reason, or if your distress over this is warranted. Does she say that she can't make it and then not offer or refuse to answer you with her reasons? Or does she give you a reason you would find acceptable, but you just don't believe her?

Take this as an example: She told me that she has this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday off from work. So, we made plans to go somewhere Friday during the day. I then asked her yesterday if she wanted to go see a movie with me on Saturday. She said that she'd have to see since she may have to work. This would be because they are letting someone go at her work. Now, at first I accepted that reason. It sounded...reasonable. However, when I thought a bit more about it, it didn't seem quite right. The person who is being let go is a receptionist. My girlfriend has a technical position, not that of a receptionist. So, why would she need to work that day...and why would she volunteer instead of taking the day off and sleeping in? It simply didn't make sense since she constantly complains about being tired from working so much. I couldn't tell if she didn't want to spend more time with me or if she genuinely wanted to help out at work.

Yes, I don't quite trust her as much as I used to. Mainly because of how quick her feelings have turned around in recent months. I don't know her to be like that.

I must point out that my girlfriend's best friend is quite protective of her. It used to be the case that whenever they'd spend time together, my girlfriend would come back to me and be unhappy about something in our relationship. I used to believe that her friend was against me and trying to break us up. So, I talked to her friend about it. She explained that she simply lets my girlfriend rant to her about me and our relationship. Then her friend tells her to do what makes her feel happy and nothing more. I'm slowly coming to accept that.

I worry now that she's spending too much time with these new single guy friends of hers. I'm not sure if she spends it alone with one of them in particular or if she's with a group. I don't feel right asking as it probably makes me look paranoid and very untrusting. One of these single guys is someone who she "dated" for one night when she "took a break" a couple months ago, hence some of my concern. She's given me the impression that he's just a friend and that she doesn't like him the same way. This is partly why I want her to reassure me that our relationship is alright. I don't want to be concerned about a friend of hers. I want to trust her like I did.

Well, last night we chatted over MSN. It was not what I wanted to hear by any stretch. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much today.

She told me that she wants a closer relationship with me and that she's tired of it being long distance. She said she wants me closer so I can be there for her when she needs me, not just on the weekends (when I can drive down and spend time with her, since i'm 2 hours away by car). To recap one of my previous posts, the reason I moved away from where I was living (then only less than 30 mins away by car) was twofold. Firstly, I had a dead-end job and wasn't happy with that aspect of my life. Now I have a great, rewarding job with better pay and I live well. Secondly, she expressed to me her desire to move up to the area where I live now as it is a beautiful place to live and is the kind of community that she'd like to be in. Now she wants to stay where she is for the next year and a half so she can save up money to find a better job somewhere else. However, she doesn't want to move anywhere right now and she won't have me move either.

She says she wants the physical relationship back; the same relationship we decided to abstain from for a while because of how she felt about it. But she also says that she absolutely loves the relationship we've got right now without the physical and that she's enjoying that a great deal. She even went as far to say that sometimes when we are intimate she flat out hates me. These are the feelings that she told me she was trying to deal with and that she really wants to find a way to manage.

So, now I really don't know what to do. After speaking with my best friend at length as well as my parents, I guess I have to be selfish and think about what's best for me at this point. None of my friends or family want to see me go through any emotional stuff like this again since this is the 3rd time in so many months that I've been this way. We still have plans for Thursday-Sunday of this week and still intend to go thru with them. At some point (hopefully not only on Sunday), we're going to talk about all of this and see what we can do. I think I'm going to push her to make a decision about what she wants to do. It's clear to me that she can't make up her mind about what she wants in her life. Either to be with me, or to continue the "comfortable" life of tiredness she has now.

She always said she hated being the "go-to" person; the person that had to be depended on all the time and had to be strong. When we were living closer to each other, she commented on how she loved me for being strong so she didn't always have to be. I had no problem being strong for her. I love her that much.

What I'd really like her to do is to move away from where she is. She's in an environment that's detrimental to her health and her mental stability, but she's too comfortable to be willing to move. I don't want to leave her.

07-09-2006, 06:33 AM	#1 (permalink)
neflyte Tilted Location: Kitchener, ON, CANADA	How to deal with being emotionally needy My girlfriend and I have been dating for very close to 3 years. She is 6 years younger than I and we're both each other's firsts. So, already in the grand scheme of things the odds are against me. When we met, we instantly clicked. We clicked better than i'd ever hoped for in a relationship. Here was a woman who had all of the qualities that I was looking for. She always wanted the best for people, and I was no exception. Cut to a year later. I (stupidly) had it in my head that I wanted to move the relationship forward to the sexual level despite the fact that she wanted to wait for marriage. She isn't religious, but definately spiritual. I, however, could only think with my 'other' brain and applied pressures for this. It happened one day after she moved to attend college. She didn't say no, but she didn;t really want to do it. We're both at fault for that. I did wrong by her for only wanting her for sex sometimes. We talked about it on occasion and I got better at leaving that behind me and focusing on enjoying her and what we had. All the while, she was battling a less-than-stellar childhood and then the urge to find out what else was out there. Through it all, she still wanted us to be together how we were. So, now cut to a few months ago. She had moved a second time, just for a month so she could complete an externship to go along with her schooling. At the end of this period, she told me that she wanted to "take a break". Naturally, I was very heartbroken. We talked on the phone for a while that night, and through both of our tears she tells me that she still wants us to be together, but that she wants to see other people. That was a hard 2 weeks for me. After she moved back home, she told me that she wanted to be back with me. She said that she realized what she had and didn't want to give that up. By this time, I was no longer as comfortable or confident in our relationship as I once was. I'm an emotionally needy guy. I'm finding that lately I want to hear my girlfriend reassure me that she still loves me and that she feels the same way about me that she used to. There was a point where she told me that she wasn't sure she could love someone who didn;t respect her. And it's true, I didn't respect her. I used her for sex on more than one occasion. When I realized what I had done, I had taken steps to resolve it. I'd been so used to wanting sex that I had to find ways to deal with it. I did just that, and she came back to me a few weeks later and told me that she was feeling the love she had for me again. We decided to abstain from regular sex, choosing instead to keep to oral or tantric sex whenever we had our fun. My girlfriend works every day of the week during the summer. She barely has time for herself, let alone me. So, we cut back how often we see each other so that she can have time for a social life as well as work. That fact alone took me a couple weeks to come to terms with. But, apparently she still loves me and still cares. When I was with her last weekend we cuddled and kissed and had a wonderful time. She showed me that she still loved me. So, now to my dilemma. I'm finding it very hard to cope with not having all the reassurances I once had that she still loves me. I worry about all the possible bad things that could happen to us. I worry that the next time I chat to her online or talk to her that she'll want to just break it off. And I don't want to talk to her about this. I worry that If I do, she'll get tired of always hearing me talk about it and just want to leave me more. I'm trying to spend more time with my friends but it seems that I can't stop thinking about my girlfriend and that I want more reassurances from her, whether it be a hug and a smile or some words. I should also mention that I live 2 hours away from her as I moved in January of this year to get a better job. It was our original intention that she move up to this area after a while and that we'd live together. This is starting to take it's toll on me physically and mentally. Does anyone have advice for how I could deal with all of this? __________________ "I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

07-09-2006, 07:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
thespian86 change is hard. Location: the green room.	It's all about habit and safety. You had obviously gotten use to a constant in your life and now that it's gone you are reacting to it like any other person with an addiction would. You just need to wait it out, let the need kind of go away. Withdrawl is always hard, especially the emotional aspect of it, and once it's gone you'll probably feel a million times more comfortable in your relationship. With less leaning you can kind of stand on your own. It's probably a lot healthier. __________________ EX: Whats new? ME: I officially love coffee more then you now. EX: uh... ME: So, not much.

07-09-2006, 08:29 AM	#3 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	How to deal with being emotionally needy is for YOU to deal with it. It sounds like there are deeper issues, either for you or in your relationship, so figure out the problem and deal with it. You sound like you're just waiting for her to leave you... is this because you think she doesn't want you anymore or that she is just waiting for something better to come along? Is it because you are waiting for her to figure out that you aren't the person she thinks you are? What really is the issue? If you don't trust her, then you shouldn't be with her. If you are lacking confidence and self-esteem (which you are, if you need her reassurances to have them), then you should work on that and stop trying to push off the issues onto a relationship that is functioning well enough. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)

07-09-2006, 09:51 AM	#4 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Well, I can see how you have (like many people), taken for granted something that is a large part of your emotional foundation. When that's been shown to not be as unshakeable, as stable as you thought, it's a shock. Then if/when you get it back you constantly want to test it, and convince yourself that it can "bear your weight", your trust. This is completely understandable, and normal. However, you don't want to let that cripple you. It's important to get into a more self-sufficient emotional state, and then decide if you are going to trust that person again. Also, it's a real good idea to be aware that you shouldn't take people for granted. There's a big different between trust, and taking them for granted. I can also recommend a good book on working on co-dependency: The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beattie. If you think you might be co-dependant. It's actually quite a good read, regardless. It gives a lot of concrete, active suggestions for thought-process evaluations and modifications. Good luck, man. Give us updates, OK? It's really nice to get feedback on our thoughtful advice. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential. Last edited by Sultana; 07-09-2006 at 09:52 AM.. Reason: spelling

07-09-2006, 10:50 AM	#5 (permalink)
Supple Cow Americow, the Beautiful Location: Washington, D.C.	Oh yeah, Sultana reminds me... I learned all about working on co-dependency from a book, too. Actually, it was two books: The Missing Piece and The Missing Piece Meets the Big 'O', both by Shel Silverstein. You'll find them in the children's section of any major bookstore... they carry lessons that one is never too old or too young to learn. __________________ "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." (Michael Jordan)