neflyte

My girlfriend and I have been dating for very close to 3 years. She is 6 years younger than I and we're both each other's firsts. So, already in the grand scheme of things the odds are against me. When we met, we instantly clicked. We clicked better than i'd ever hoped for in a relationship. Here was a woman who had all of the qualities that I was looking for. She always wanted the best for people, and I was no exception.

Cut to a year later. I (stupidly) had it in my head that I wanted to move the relationship forward to the sexual level despite the fact that she wanted to wait for marriage. She isn't religious, but definately spiritual. I, however, could only think with my 'other' brain and applied pressures for this. It happened one day after she moved to attend college. She didn't say no, but she didn;t really want to do it. We're both at fault for that. I did wrong by her for only wanting her for sex sometimes. We talked about it on occasion and I got better at leaving that behind me and focusing on enjoying her and what we had. All the while, she was battling a less-than-stellar childhood and then the urge to find out what else was out there. Through it all, she still wanted us to be together how we were.

So, now cut to a few months ago. She had moved a second time, just for a month so she could complete an externship to go along with her schooling. At the end of this period, she told me that she wanted to "take a break". Naturally, I was very heartbroken. We talked on the phone for a while that night, and through both of our tears she tells me that she still wants us to be together, but that she wants to see other people. That was a hard 2 weeks for me. After she moved back home, she told me that she wanted to be back with me. She said that she realized what she had and didn't want to give that up.

By this time, I was no longer as comfortable or confident in our relationship as I once was. I'm an emotionally needy guy. I'm finding that lately I want to hear my girlfriend reassure me that she still loves me and that she feels the same way about me that she used to. There was a point where she told me that she wasn't sure she could love someone who didn;t respect her. And it's true, I didn't respect her. I used her for sex on more than one occasion. When I realized what I had done, I had taken steps to resolve it. I'd been so used to wanting sex that I had to find ways to deal with it. I did just that, and she came back to me a few weeks later and told me that she was feeling the love she had for me again. We decided to abstain from regular sex, choosing instead to keep to oral or tantric sex whenever we had our fun.

My girlfriend works every day of the week during the summer. She barely has time for herself, let alone me. So, we cut back how often we see each other so that she can have time for a social life as well as work. That fact alone took me a couple weeks to come to terms with. But, apparently she still loves me and still cares. When I was with her last weekend we cuddled and kissed and had a wonderful time. She showed me that she still loved me.

So, now to my dilemma. I'm finding it very hard to cope with not having all the reassurances I once had that she still loves me. I worry about all the possible bad things that could happen to us. I worry that the next time I chat to her online or talk to her that she'll want to just break it off. And I don't want to talk to her about this. I worry that If I do, she'll get tired of always hearing me talk about it and just want to leave me more. I'm trying to spend more time with my friends but it seems that I can't stop thinking about my girlfriend and that I want more reassurances from her, whether it be a hug and a smile or some words. I should also mention that I live 2 hours away from her as I moved in January of this year to get a better job. It was our original intention that she move up to this area after a while and that we'd live together.

This is starting to take it's toll on me physically and mentally. Does anyone have advice for how I could deal with all of this?

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown