innovis

In early April I met a nice young woman (19) and we hit it off... and hit it.

I find out she has a boyfriend at the time, who has been living in another state for almost a year. He visits her about once every month or so. She has cheated on him with 2 guys when she got extremely drunk for the first time, and multiple times with another guy before me. She says she doesn't love him anymore, but she still loved him as a friend. She did not feel that she could break up with him, because he has depressive and suicidal tendancies.

Fast forward 2 weeks, and he comes to visit. Yes, we were still hooking up. She tells him she wants to go on a break until they can be united. United, as in they're both PLANNING on attending the same college in a different state in September (a different state from where he and she and I live currently).

The only reason I continued, in the beginning, I suppose, was because I knew she had already cheated and didn't have any more feelings for him, and because I thought it was going to be short term (she has currently moved away to another nearby city). Plus I liked her. Well, after she pseudo-broke up with him, we continued, and I developed feelings for her, and she asserts that she has for me.

Now we're in the present. She just spent two and a half weeks living with me, essentially being my unofficial girlfriend. Shes back in the other city now, but she hopes to return soon. There is also the chance, due to monetary concerns, that she may not be able to go to her expensive school in September, and may instead have to attend a state university. Which would essentially mean she'd want to continue things in perpetuity.

I like her. I don't know how far it could go under ideal circumstances. Due to her past transgressions, though, I don't know if I can ever trust her completely. This is not the first boyfriend shes cheated on. I don't want to be the next.

Should I attempt to trust her, or should I harden my heart and move on? I'm 22 by the way, and a college senior.

Siege

What goes around comes around. Keep that in mind.

(Don't take this the wrong way) What makes you so special that she won't cheat on you when you're out of state? Or when she's drunk?

However, it's totally up to you.

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nmm

Well people can cheat with people they don't really care about and not do it if it is someone they love or care deeply about...

Also some can cheat while loving apparantly, a concept I never understood, so in this case you can end up with someone in love with you that will cheat...

You can't really tell by the fact that she did it in the past, but people are different and there is always a risk...

Sometimes people who never did and who never thought they would do, will do it, you can not predicte anyting in life...

Talk to her, if you like her give her a chance with your trust, but be cautious too just in case...

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Infinite_Loser

I only have two things to say here:

1.) She's already admitted to cheating multiple times before. I understand that people make mistakes and once is an accident, but multiple times is slightly pushing the envelope (A mild understatement, I know). Even if she didn't "Love" him anymore, you would think that she would have felt obligated to simply break up with her boyfriend before seeking out other relationships. I wouldn't buy the excuse of her feeling "Obligated" to remain with her boyfriend because he was suicidal. Having been cheated on before, I can guarantee you that he would have been more apt to kill himself if he found out she was cheating on him moreso than if she would have simply called the relationship off.

2.) She cheated on her ex and felt no remorse about it, so I'm willing to bet that sooner or later she will cheat on you and feel no remorse about it, either. There's no guarantee that she will, but I'd be willing to bet my apartment on it.

Charlatan

As long as you going knowing that she is going to cheat on you, you will be prepared for it.

It will help take some of the sting out of it when you find out she has been shagging someone while you were away.


Of course, you could just institute a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. It has been known to work in some circles for a limited amount of time.

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savvypup

I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. There's obviously reasons why people cheat, and unless they're addressed, that could turn into a habit, but not everyone should be tainted with the same brush. Some of us do learn the reasons behind what and why we did it.

She has to earn your trust. If you have reservations - trust them.

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ciao bella!

Lady Sage

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, acts like a duck and has been a duck all its life....
Thats all I have to say about that.

Sultana

I think that people do make mistakes.

I also think that allowing oneself to continue making the same mistakes can become a habit.

If that behaviour defines a person, then I'd say they were a XXX (Cheater, Liar, Thief, etc.).
But making a mistake once does not define a person, I'd say.

However, it sounds like with this gal, it may be a habit by now.

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thespian86

I've been in a position like this before and also, the other position.

Position One; being with the cheater. I have dated a cheater and it was totally unsucessful. Yes, life has some hard discisions but do you really want to be with someone who is weak that she cannot control her own life, or on the other hand someone who is so strong that she would create elaborate lies to control you and her current existing beau? I would say no. Life with a cheater is always a disapointment and a heartbreak.

Position two: being the cheater. I am the anti cheater and found myself in a bad place emotionally during a drought of depression which I have battle quite seriously my whole life. In this case I had taken extra medication (whoopsie number one) to try to level myself out and then resorted to drinking everything in sight at the cast party that evening (it was during our last show of a six week run in which I was playing my first professional lead role... I was very attached and thought I would be able to handle it). I had been dating a student who was majoring in journalism who was very eccentric and very dark on my year off from university while I applied and were turned down by company after school after program. I was very bored and confused as to why I had ever been in the relationship but wouldn't let go because of overwhelming safty blanket issues attached to her. But at the cast party I had gotten very drunk, very easily thanks to the devil that is Paxil, and thus began one of the worst nights of my life as a NON single man. I had been talking to one of the actresses when suddenly I was kissing her. and Kissing lead to stretching out on the couch and continuing and before it progressed I stoped. That night continued with more girls, most of them I took advantage of the fact that they looked up to me as a leader and as a talant. I left the next day, actually curled up at the feet of my best friend who I didn't do anything with and drove home and broke it off with her. I'm not making excuses, I did cheat, and nothing went past groping and drunken, yet heated, kisses. All the same it was a one time thing that I was disgusted with, and still am today.

Between the two situations I would say that you need to decide, realistically, wether or not this girl is situation # 1 or situation #2. My opinion, which really should be taken with a grain of salt like everyone here, is that she is a situation number 1. She seems to be very concious of her cheating, very unwilling to break any ties, makes mounds upon mounds of excuses, and does it look good for you that she is promising another man (who she apprently has no feelings for) commitment when she is not promising you that herself? Sounds extra fishy and if I were in your position I would go looking elsewhere.

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Aurakles

I don't think once a cheater always a cheater, but multiple times a cheater should make you keep your foot on the caution pedal, so when it's time to leave, you're already in overdrive.

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shesus

I think that this is a tricky situation. Some people cheat and will always cheat. My cousin has cheated on every guy she's ever been with and in both marriages she's been in. Others are in a situation that lends itself to cheating, but wouldn't do it in a different situation. In my experience, I was engaged at 18 and then he got stationed in Germany with the army. I cheated on him a couple of times while he was away. But now that I'm with jj, I would never dream of cheating on him. I love him too much to do that, plus our relationship is a lot healthier than I had with the previous guy.

However, that being said, if you don't trust her, don't stay involved with her. Trust is the foundation of a relationship and if you don't have that then the relationship is doomed already.

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CityOfAngels

My best advice is this: As soon as you feel you don't trust her anymore, break it off. Don't get jealous; don't try to find out if you're right; don't pester her with question after question. Just set her free. That may not be what she wants, but from my own experiences, trust is a must in any relationship, even if it's just a friendship. But another thing I learned is jealousy only makes it worse, and makes you look like an asshole in the end. So break it off, and if your trust for her comes back, get back with her. If not, find someone new.

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Rodney

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No. But this isn't just once. There's a pattern here.

I don't think she's ready for a real relationship; she's not ready to make the hard investment (tell the truth when there's a relationship problem) or take responsibility for actions. Rather than say "we're breaking up" or "I cheated with somebody" to her current beau, she's basically said whatever's necessary to 1) keep things calm and avoid conflict while 2) continuing to do what she wants.

Based on her history, the real issue is whether she's ever going to be completely straight with you when it's time for a hard relationship decision. I suspect not. And that lack is actually more fundamental than actual cheating -- and can lead to cheating. And in her case, has.

I don't know if you'll be able to trust her. She may not be a bad person, but sounds like she'll always tell you what you want to hear instead of talking it out. (She's only 19, probably still thinking like a teenager.) So you'll go around thinking reality with her is "A" while in reality it's "B".

And then, who knows? Down the line you get one of those "I just stopped loving you, I don't know why, it's not anybody's fault" lines. And later you find out she's been seeing somebody else....

mokle

I think Rodney nailed what I wanted to say. The pattern I see here is very similar to one I just went through with a girl, and she's still a cheater. Some people seem to be a lost cause.

Good luck, hope you don't get hurt

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Mokle
"Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see" -Ali

BigTruck1956

echoing what's been previously posted, in this situation, someone is going to get burned. Just make sure it isn't you. Good luck.

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doncalypso

A taken woman is off-limits. You should've backed off when you found out she already had a man.


If she cheated on a guy multiple times and feels no guilt for doing that what makes you think she'll ever be faithful to you?


She's feeding you a truckload of Womanese, my friend. If she hasn't dumped him it's because he has something she wants or needs so she's not ready to let go until she finds a new turkey who can offer her whatever perks she'll be giving up from the current chump.

It is crazy for you to believe anything this woman says given that she's a cheater with no integrity to begin with. She's playing with your heart, my friend.


Until you've been with her for a whole year without any red flags there's no reason to assume anything. She may have stayed with you for two and a half weeks, but that doesn't mean anything.


What I would recommend to you, my friend, is to drop this woman like a very bad habit. She may be younger than you, but she obviously is light-years ahead of you in terms of deviousness and manipulation. I wouldn't say that you should harden your heart, but you should definitely kick that girl to the curb. If you stay with her and end up marrying her you'll eventually find out that she's been cheating on you with your coworkers and she'll eventually reveal that your two or three kids might not be yours.

Pull yourself out of this mess ASAP. That girl is no good for you. Find yourself a woman who respects you and respects herself so that you're not ever going to have to face the prospect of getting cheated on.

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Chuckles

once a cheater, always a cheater.

sailor

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Speaking as someone who just came out of a relationship that ended due to circumstances similar to what you describe, let me advise you to run far, far away. I know it can be hard to just let it go and move on, but trust me--you're going to end up getting hurt, bad.

If she's done it once, especially this callously, she'll do it again. You'll never be able to trust her, and therefore any relationship there is doomed. Just move on before it gets worse

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"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
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analog

There's a big difference between a person who makes a mistake, and a cheater.

People are human. Though shitty, mistakes can be made. Earnest remorse and acknowledgement can lead to healing.

However- when you're talking about a woman who flippantly talks about cheating on her boyfriend with multiple people, multiple times, showing no remorse, getting loose when drunk, and only writing it off as "I don't love him anymore", that doesn't float.

THAT is a cheater, and I believe THAT kind of cheater will ALWAYS be a cheater.

innovis

Thank you for all of your replies.

Yes, she is probably manipulative. I believe that how girls treat their ex-boyfriends shows alot about how they'll treat their current boyfriend, especially if things go bad. I know she has manipulated her ex into believing that she wasn't seeing anyone else. How do I even know that he knows hes her ex? Facebook and Myspace...

How am I different from other guys? One, shes never had a relationship with someone who was geographically near her. All of them have been an hour away by a car she didn't have. She never saw these boyfriends. Two, she got STD tested and went on the pill, though we still use condoms. Other guys in the past have asked her to go on it and she never would until now. Our interaction has been a completely new type of relationship for her. Not saying that I believe I'm somehow super special or that she doesn't have the capability to cheat on me, just that we have a new type of interaction.

I don't think shes remorseless about cheating, but I think she just internalizes it and attempts to ignore it. She hates herself for destroying the trust of others, and she doesn't know why she did it. She used to be depressed and cut herself and that may be a result of her internalized self loathing. Shes also very insecure despite the fact that she is attractive, interesting, and generally a good person. I think her insecurity may also drive her to cheat, to get self validation.

This may not even be an issue, as she will most likely be moving across the country in 2 months, and I won't even see her again for another month. I'm just going to see what happens. If I start to get jealous about anything I'll just end it.

Aside: Yes I feel bad about nailing some other dude's girlfriend. I feel less bad because she wasn't really his anymore anyways, but I still feel bad about it. In the future I will abstain from such activities.