newlyable

I've been in a relationship, with a wonderful person for almost three years now. We have sex and it feels wonderful, but I have yet to have an orgasm, we have tried multiple postitions, foreplay, everything... He always feels bad because he feels that it's his fault and I honestly dont think that it is, because he's very good in bed, and not at all small.. I know it has to be me, and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid that this may lead to more problems. than just mine in bed....

savvypup

Relax and don't focus on the need to orgasm. Easier said than done heh? I know when I try to focus too much I just can't reach it. Think about how he feels, his touch and taste, the sounds around you and hopefully then you'll peak. Works for me.

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ciao bella!

livewirerc

Can you (or have you ever) have an orgasm independant of your SO? You say it's been three years now, if you're really concerned about it I'd suggest talking to a professional (therapist) about the issue.

noodle

Wow. I could be reading my own thread. Except mine's been an on-again, off-again relationship for two years. He's my only and I love having sex with him. I get a lot of pleasure from the intimacy and physical contact. But no orgasm. I'm completely fine with it, but we used to argue about it and now we just don't talk about it. I had to tell him that if I didn't enjoy sex with him, I wouldn't initiate it and I wouldn't still be here. That kinda shut him up, but I know that it still bothers him. My g-spot is non-existant and I've never been able to have an orgasm by myself without clitoral stimulation/focus. Talk to him about it. Keep an open line of communication and remind him what you do feel... emotionally and physically. And practice is always fun.

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Hardknock

Since you're newlyable, (sorry you set that up yourself ) it’s very simple for him to take care of you.

Assuming that you're into it and seeing that you're sexually frustrated, I'm assuming that you're a little more open minded. Have him eat out your pussy. I mean it. Have him get down there, play around, find your clit and have him go to town. My wife loves it and she cums like there's no tomorrow every single time. I shit you not. As for you, you need to relax and stop worrying about it and let it come.

Too much anxiety is in that bedroom. I can feel it from here. You're killing the mood sweetheart. Relax. Chill. Have fun.

crow_daw

I agree with Hardknock. Maybe you should just relax. I don't know what else the problem could be.

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"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons

Toaster126

If you worry about it, it will create a self-fufilling prophecy, much like erectile dysfunction in men. Stressing about it won't help.

There are those that think some women just can't orgasm, but I don't think this is true.

If you haven't been masturbating regularly, start. If you learn more about your own body and what you like, you'll be better able to guide your partner in those directions.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

newlyable

thanks all for the advice, so next time i'll calm down, and try to just enjoy it and we'll see what happens...

madp

I've watched two "how to" videos, and the one technique that they both recommend (and has never failed for my partners over the years) is this:
begin with giving her oral sex (light clitoral stimulation at first, building up to more and more intense) until she is squirming and very wet, then add penetration with a finger or two (fingers curled slighly upward beneath the pubic mound towards the alleged g-spot at 11 o'clock, rythmically with her movements).

One video I saw was an alleged academic "sex expert," and one was the porn star Shane explaining and demonstrating. I liked the Shane video better

Here's the catch: having been with a few women in my time, I have learned that some women can come 10 times in 5 minutes with regular old sex, while others require a good 30-45 minutes of oral + manual stimulation to get there. Men, when we are young, tend to not have the patience and/or consideration to figure that out until a good woman or two teaches us, and it kind of gives you a neck-ache after 30 minutes. But a man who appreciates the wonderful booty his mate shares will learn to love it, neck-ache notwithstanding.

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why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

ngdawg

The 'best' techniques in the world won't work if she's not of the frame of mind to lose herself to the moment. I've orgasmed with nipple stimulation only and gotten nothing but bored with usually-guaranteed technique.
The most important sex organ is the brain.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

madp

Women have taught me every worthwhile thing I know about sex, so I take your insight as gospel!

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why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Impetuous1

I can't usually have an orgasm without a little extra help. Find a position where you can stroke yourself while he's inside you. Doggy style usually works best. I didn't really start having a vaginal orgasm (with the g spot) until I was about 29. I think it just takes a while to kick in for some people. You might want to try poking around with your finger or a vibrator to find out where your g spot is. Once you find it, you should then also be able to direct him to it. The suggestion about getting eaten out before hand is a really good idea too. It'll help your boyfriend know his way around you and what you like. Also, it'll make you more "engorged" and once he penetrates you you'll feel it much more.

I just read here that you were sexually abused as a child. This may almost definitely be at the root of the problem. I would suggest therapy. Does your boyfriend know? Perhaps that would relieve some of the subconscious psychological tenseness that you may be experiencing.

AlCap0wn

There's a wide range of figures thrown around, from 25% to 75%, but suffice it to say that a significant number of women simply cannot and will not reach orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation.

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Ddd3

Hi my name is Melissa and I read this whole discussion and I've tried it all... I'm beginning to feel like there is no hope... My boyfriend and I have tried the whole "foreplaying" before sex thing and it doesn't work. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong or what? but I need to figure some thing out and It's not because I'm not relaxed cause trust me I am... He can make me orgasm when he eats me out but he can't in sex... I can't even make myself with my fingers. I mean trust me it still feels really good when he fingers me and when we have sex but I can never get to an orgasm through it... and I feel bad because my boyfriend is so determinded and all I do is dissapoint him on every idea he gets... Does anyone have ANY advice? cause I'm running out of ideas and so is he and I really want to orgasm for him the next time he's home from the marines... (that's in 18 days)

loquitur

Melissa, you're not the only one who can come from oral but not from much else. Don't sweat it, if you're getting the oral you're doing fine. Different people are different. And if you relax you're much more likely to find the orgasms just creeping up on you.

FWIW, I have found that women's orgasms come easier as they get into their 30s.

Ddd3

I relax and it feels good and I ONCE felt like it was coming but it didn't for over a half hour so we just gave up... Should I have kept going? Or is there something I need to do to make it come like flex your pc muscles like you have to in oral? I just feel like I'm missing something???

surferlove007

In the past I had trouble getting there but not anymore. I don't know it might have to do with your man, like the others said I wouldn't stress over it. Allow your self to just get lost in the moment and let stress/fears/pressure just go out of your head. I find the fastest way I get there is being on top where I can control the cliteral stimulation plus the penetration.
Hope everything works out. Also try masturbating by yourself to get to know your body and what feels good to you.

Valentina

Maybe not. I've just figured out that, really, male technique has a LOT to do with female orgasm.

I don't know enough about your age, circumstances, etc. to be able to give any specific advice...and I am also not sure whether you can come with oral/clitoral stimulation but not with intercourse...but if you can't come AT ALL, that could have a lot to do with the fact that your man hasn't taken the time to learn proper technique. It could also have something to do with your psychology, your age, your anatomy (and the combination of your anatomy and his), etc. etc.

Good luck, though--and don't give up! (See next post!)

Yes. This has been true for me. In fact, I'm 37 and just had my very first genuine g-spot orgasm. AWESOME! I'd squirted before, but never actually experienced the G-spot O. It was worth the wait--and definitely wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been with a guy who knew exactly what he was doing.

Ddd3

My guy is pretty good and he tries everything there is but there's only one way when were having sex that actually feels diffrent from all the others but the problem is, we'll do that forever and all it does is just feel the same, It doesn't get more intense or anything? Is there something I'm supposed to do to help it along?

Seaver

Um... it sounds like none of you actually know what you're doing. That's fine, I didn't in High School. Foreplay is not just licking each other, or sucking nipples. It's about getting into the mental mood, not just physical. I know you probably love him with all your heart, which helps a great deal, but foreplay is more than just getting wet. Proper foreplay should make you crave him to be inside of you, it should get you so turned on before he even touches you down there that the moment he does is pure ecstasy. Teasing you, caressing every other part of you, passionately kissing and embracing you long before your cloths are off.

You will with time learn the difference between sex and passionate sex. One can not explain the difference, it has to be felt and experienced yourself. Maybe you'll never cum through sex, many women never do. Getting properly turned on during foreplay will get you a long way though.

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"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

ShaniFaye

amen to this...I was 35 before I had a gspot O (or even a multiple for that matter) I spent years thinking there was something "wrong" with me cause all I ever heard was people saying they came so many times blah blah blah

You have to take the time to figure out what works for you, and by that I mean you need to do that exploration YOURSELF so that you can communicate to your partner what they might or might not be doing to help you along. I have no problems at all telling Dave that at any given time x y or z just isnt working for me at that particular time.

also sex position is a BIG thing....I have a very hard time O'ing if im on bottom and usually end up having to stimulate myself while Dave is fucking me. If Im on top I have absolutely NO problem getting off...and doggy is out of the question because it hurts like holy hell because Im short inside and it hits my cervix.

I agree with the mental aspect of foreplay as well....If my "mind" is not in the mood nothing Dave does is gonna get me off...period

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

abaya

I see a problem right here... you want to orgasm for HIM, not yourself. It sounds like he's putting a lot of pressure on you to come, or you are putting it on yourself... but neither is going to help you, mentally. And a ton of it is mental. Personally, I don't come from vaginal alone, and very rarely from anything other than oral stimulation. My husband and I are pretty used to the fact that I won't come with his penis inside me, and it doesn't bother us terribly. You have to take the pressure off yourself, and have that orgasm for YOU and no one else.

Also, in terms of taking time... probably the biggest reason I started being able to come with my husband was that he JUST NEVER STOPPED. No, I mean really, he would be down with his head between my legs for probably close to an hour at first... I kept feeling bad that it was taking so long, but he just kept shaking his head and kept going. I learned that he really, really, really wanted me to come, and he wouldn't give up no matter how tired his tongue got... even after 45 minutes. And it was wonderful. It took the pressure off, and I was able to learn how to come easier and faster over time.

Finally, I don't know how much this applies to anyone else, but for me it's very difficult to come if I can't hold on to something. I mean, the bedframe is ideal, but also the mattress or something (behind my head). I have to be able to create tension in my abdominal area by "pulling" myself up somehow, and that makes me able to come MUCH faster than if I was just lying there taking it. But I was always the girl who got horny by climbing the rope in jr. high, so maybe it's just me.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ShaniFaye

Abaya, I agree....having my hands/arms above my head ALWAYS seems to make it go faster lol

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Ddd3

Am I supposed to flex like in oral? to get a G-spot orgasm?

Valentina

^Yeah, you're supposed to push out to get the g-spot O...sometimes it feels like you have to pee, but don't worry, that means you're doing it right...

dlish

im a non-drinker..but i'd drink to that! its all up there

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Ddd3

I won't pee though... right?

yonique

Sorry to hear there are other women having the same problems I am but it makes me feel SO much better to know I am not a freak of nature. I can't give you any advice on what to do because I haven't been able to find a single thing that works for me. After 26 yrs trying all the advice and toys, tried therapy and even experimented in swinging I have come to accept that's just the way it's going to be with me.

Mantus

Nope. It's physiologically impossible.

Valentina

You won't pee, but you might squirt...if the guy isn't prepared for that, he might get a little freaked out.

Ddd3

Will that happen during the orgasm or before it?

Valentina

^Well, you can squirt from G-spot stimulation without actually having a G-spot O. I confirmed this for sure when, much to my surprise, I made myself squirt by simultaneously bearing down and pushing up on my g-spot while trying to remove a stuck tampon, lol...

But when I experienced the real thing, my BF said that the orgasm came in building waves--it lasted a long time, considerably longer than a clitoral O-- and the squirting happened toward the end....

Ddd3

How long did it take to get your first one?