uptown

What do people do when there's a big difference in their sexual drive and their partner's ? What about timing issues ?

You read a lot about the partner with the lower drive and it feels like all emapathy seems to go to their side of the equation, but what about the partner with the higher desire level ? How do couples negotitate these issues in a way that doesn't leave the high drive partner feeling like a
pervert simply because they'd like more partner sex and less solo masturbation ?

Sage

Communication with your partner, investigation into potential causes of lowered libido, communication with your partner, changing of hormonal birth control or perhaps going off it entirely (if the woman has lowered libido), communication with your partner, a huge helping of patience and understanding, communication with your partner, perhaps couples thearapy or individual thearapy or both, and more communication with your partner.

It takes stregnth, total open and honest communication with each other ALL THE TIME, patience, acceptance, understanding, and dedication to get through this. A whole heapin of Love basically. Martel and I went through this a lot, in a way we're still going through it. The honeymoon is over, and no we're not having sex more than about three times a week, but we have figured out (and are figuring out) what works best for us.

Communication is the key that unlocks any door, the hammer that tears down any wall, and the tissue that wipes away any tear. Work on it every day of your relationship, and you'll never regret it.

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abaya

Sage said it best. Even if it's not about sexual issues (though ESPECIALLY when it's about sexual issues), I've found that anything less than 100% effort from both parties, on a *daily basis,* causes the relationship to suffer to some degree. Having several days in a row of less than 100% communication can lead to a lot of heartache and loss of intimacy, which takes even more work to restore.

Intimacy, both emotionally and sexually, demands serious work and commitment, far more than it takes passion or lust to keep it going. Nurturing intimacy really is a full-time job, and if both partners do not view the task in that manner, then something has gone awry (or will, soon).

Get thee to a couples' counselor!

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Willravel

Sage and Abaya said it best, but don't forget to always get rest, eat right, and exercise in addition to communicating with your SO. While the problems are probably rooted in emotions instead of the physical, it can't hurt to be ready when the time comes.
There are avenues of escape from the bounds of extreme sexual frustration. It's a matter of focusing your energy to an end that's mutually benificial for you and your SO. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you that end. That is something for you and your SO to find out...which is where that communication we were talking about comes in. While mutual and equal levels of sexual drive may not be in play, there is still the love and empathy.

There are some times that I really don't feel like pulling an all nighter. It has less to do with sexual drive and more to do with stress, but it's there none the less. I am teaching myself to deal with the stress, but it's a long and arduous process. Between now and when I am able to put work and finances and such out of my mind completly, I am not 100% ready 100% of the time. It's not that I don't find my wife atteractive. In fact, she is by far the sexist women I've ever met. I make sure that she knows that, too (more communication). I simply am not always in the mood. If, however, I were to notice that I am rarely in the mood, I'd have to check my pulse. After that, it might be time to talk to someone.

snowy

Removing stress from one's life can have a huge impact on ironing out timing issues and improving everyone's sex drive all around. My SO has a really hard time getting in the mood when he's stressed. But when he's not, he's ALL OVER IT.

I really do think stress has a huge part to play.

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taboo

yea I agree, stress is a big factor.
I tend to be the one less sexually-driven in my relationship right now.
And that's not because I'm not sexual (on the contrary, very), but the
stress, and changes ion a relationship, phases, make it difficult.
It's annoying when your SO constantly wants to be all over you.

World's King

I touch myself a lot.

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Redlemon

Uptown, are you on the high- or low-sexual drive side of the equation? And are you trying to adjust your own thinking on the matter, or be more accommodating to your husband's thoughts?

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JustJess

I'd say that in my experience, it's rarely other issues, and is usually stress/tiredness/hormone issues/etc that are causing the low drive. But the high drive partner needs to know that it's NOT THEM - they are attractive and sexy and wonderful and it's external shite that's interfering. The high drive partner needs the low drive partner to make a concerted effort to reduce limiting factors so that they can increase the amount of physical intimacy the two get.

And yes, COMMUNICATION!!!

Sage - 3x a week is bad? Oh, man... I don't actually have TIME for more than that!

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uptown

I'm in high drive, lol and at times feel like I'm starving.

When you are the higher drive partner you try to be considerate, to compromise and so on but after awhile you begin to feel like a trained monkey, you'll not refuse any offer of sex from your partner no matter how tired/distracted you might be at the time because you don't know how many days/weeks it'll be before you get the chance again. The lower drive partner controls all the sex in a relationship, a fact that can get pretty frustrating.

Redlemon

Are there times of the day or week that he is more receptive? Or perhaps he just needs more leadup time - "Come home with a smile on your face tonight, 'cause I'm going to fuck your brains out." (I know "scheduled sex" doesn't seem as sexy, but sometimes you have to make these adjustments.)

Or are there medications that he's on that reduce his sex drive?

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ratbastid

I agree with everything everyone else as said, plus this:

Frequently in my 15-year relationship, we've found that issues between us (resentments, regrets, things we're upset about, things that are incomplete) show up first in the bedroom. If we're consistently "off" sexually for a while, we know there's something to talk about, and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with sex.

Toaster126

Compromise. That way everyone feels unhappy.

Seriously, if any medical issues or stressors or relationship problems have been cleared away, there may just be a fundamental difference between you and your partner. Then someone is going to need to give it up more than they want, and the other is going to go without more than they want.

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Carno

Welcome to feeling how a lot of guys feel.

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braisler

Explore sexual options that don't involve direct intercourse if that is an option. As the higher drive partner, you have to know that your level of sexual desire is ok for you. You are not wrong in wanting what you want. As the lower drive partner you have to recognize that, while is ok for you to not want sex as often/much as your partner, you still need to find a way to work it out with them.

It is a rough road either way. The lower desire partner always controls the amount of sex in the relationship (with exception of extreme cases of forced intercourse). It is a subject of much discussion in our relationship too. Lately I have been laying off asking about it/for it. She has noticed too. It is not that I don't want it, but that I don't want to have to ask for it or initiate the contact. Wanting to be wanted is an important part of our sexual dialogue.

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uptown

I'm finding that to be my feeling on the subject as well. My partner voiced the thought that since he knows I like sex that I'll probably be happy to get some even if he initiates at one of the few times of day when I'm least likely to be interested.

Lol, differing levels of need and differing prefered times for intimacy make for a rough road. The thought that I have to beg for sex is an instant turnoff to me. I'd rather just take care of my own needs.

What puzzles me about these sitations is that in most cases the lower drive partner would go nuts if the higher drive partner went outside the relationship to get some of their needs met. Lol, it's sort of like, " you almost never want to be with me, you don't want me but you'll go wild if somebody else does ? "

Humans are strange creatures

midgard

That describes exactly how I feel, and when it goes on for a long time, you start feeling pretty resentfull. There are times, when my SO does initiates sex, I war with myself and think "I should say no, just so they know how it feels". But, I never do, because I don't know when my next opportunity might be. I have tried being supportive, understanding, and talking with my SO a lot, and the usual answer I get is not that I am doing anything wrong, it is just hormones. How do you deal with the "hormone" card? It is just so frustrating