soma

Ok. Ergh. I can't stop thinking about this and I just have to get it off my chest. Ok. My GF is a great person, but I'm starting to get suspicious of her. I don't know why. I have no reason not to, but here's the situation.

There is this guy I have class with and he's pretty cool. We'll call him anthony. We eat lunch together with some other class buddies and my GF eats with us. I have noticed a teeny tiny bit of chemistry between the two which bugs the heck out of me. He does photography and has a few pictures posted online and over lunch, she gushed over his pictures and his photo taking abilities. That bothered me a little bit, but I didn't want to bring it up because it might sound like I'm being to possessive.

So there's that. Maybe an hour ago, we were making plans to eat lunch tomorrow. After figuring out the details, the first question she asks is: "is anthony going to be there?" my response: "yeah, he always eats with us". Then she asks: "Is [insert other class friend's name here] going to be there too?" To this I said: "yes." It really bothered me that she asked if anthony was going to be there first. Ergh.!

And that's what set me off big time. I tried not to show any visible reaction to this. I don't think she picked up on anything. I don't know how I should proceed, but tomorrow, we're all eating together. I'm going to keep a close eye on how my GF interacts with Anthony.

What should I do from here? I feel like confronting the issue tomorrow if there are any indications of a crush or anything like that. But if I do, it might come off as accusing and maybe draw us apart. Ergh. Advice? I'm freaking out, and I do want to talk about it with her, but it would really come off as me being insecure and... I need help. This is my first GF. We've been together since the beginning of january 06.

Could this be nothing and me just being paranoid? Is a side-crush a bad thing? Or is it only a bad thing if the BF (me) gets too jealous and crazy...

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Carno

Whoa dude.. Take a chill pill before you turn completely green. Just a little bit of unwarranted jealousy in my opinion.

I would NOT bring it up if I were you. You will only look extremely insecure.

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Borla

How old is everyone involved? How long have you been going out with your GF? Level of commitment?

My initial thought is that you are majorly over reacting, but there isn't enough detail yet IMO to be sure.

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Carno

Less than two months, Jan. of this year.

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Borla

Oh yeah.......guess I shoulda caught that.


Still, age is a factor IMO, but it's clearly over reacting dude.

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Melka

I don't know if it's just a girl/guy thing but I've noticed when making plans with my guy friends, they don't seem to care who's going to be there. But when I am figuring out what's going on, I like to see who will be doing what.

From these two incidents, it does not seem like it is enough to really 'confront' her with. If you are really stressed out about it, you could ask her what she thinks of him or something.

JumpinJesus

At this early stage, I'd say it could be a very bad thing acting jealous and crazy. You just might push her away if you do. I can understand being jealous and I can understand that you might have some suspicions, but just be cool about it. The last thing you want to do is to make any kind of accusation without any solid evidence, otherwise, you could end up with, "Yeah, I was going to ask him to take photos of us, but I guess we won't be doing that, now, will we?"

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Sage

You're being paranoid, insecure, and basically making a HUGE deal over nothing.

I'm assuming you're a senior in HS (the whole eating lunch together thing). By now, I'd imagine that you've felt kinda bad about not having a girlfriend until now. However, rest assured that it really doesn't matter how many girlfriends you've had- what matters is the kind of guy you are deep down inside.

Ask yourself why you're upset. Are you upset because you don't trust this girl, or because you're afraid you're not good enough for her and she'll cheat on you? If you don't trust her, that's an issue right there, because all relationships require trust first and foremost in order to be healthy and happy. However, if you're feeling insecure, then you need to examine your priorities in life. You should not be dating someone as an ego booster- doing so will inevetably lead to immense feelings of jealously whenever your SO exhibits intrest in anyone other than you.

If you find that you are feeling jealous, I recommend this simple exercise (once you've established that you do, in fact, trust your GF). Wear a rubber band on your wrist. Whenever you start getting jealous, snap the rubber band hard enough to sting. This brings you to the present moment and literally "snaps" you out of your jealous mindset. Then you are able to analyze the situation and get over being jealous with a clear head, instead of just basing your feelings in emotion. This is a technique I learned from the professor of my Psychology class in college- she used the technique quite successfully while a counselor. Try it if you can't get those feelings of jealousy to go away!

I also recommend taking up a new hobby- anything you have wanted to try and haven't yet. This will build your self-esteem and get you believing in yourself, so the feelings of jealousy won't come back!

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snowy

Actually, soma's in college. But anyways...

Yeah, basically you're making a huge deal out of nothing. This was a mistake my first college boyfriend made as well. I was trying hard to be friends with his friends, perhaps a little too hard, and he mistook it for flirtation--in his mind, me flirting with other people was a bad thing (in the end, me talking to other guys was a bad thing, but we'll leave it at that).

Now, either you're chill with the fact that your girl talks to other guys or you aren't. The fact is, when girls talk to the opposite sex--especially girls who are very socially acclimated--flirtation happens. It happens because flirting is a natural social function that puts the subject at ease.

It's really nothing to worry about, and you're freaking out for no reason at all. If she's with you, she's with you. If she's not--well, you've only been going out two months. Not a whole lot of time wasted. If you are curious, just ASK her how she feels about Anthony. Not: "Do you like Anthony?" but "You and Anthony seem to be getting along well. (act pleased about this) How do you feel about him? Would you say you're getting to be friends?"

Furthermore, about her inquiry about his presence at lunch--I do that all the time to my boyfriend--"Is Kevin coming? Did you call Matt?" etc, etc, because I LIKE his friends and like to spend time with them. Chances are, her enthusiasm for your friend stems from the fact she's enthusiastic about YOU.

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HoneyPot

Sage your advice was excellent b/c I'm kind of going through the same thing right now with my boyfriend. I've just learned to trust him. Do not bring it up. It will scare her away for sure. Coming from a woman's point of view, insecurity is a huge red flag and you don't want to be with someone who is a downer. Believe me, I've been in your shoes and the worst thing you can do is show your insecurity.

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RCR

Sage- SUPERB advice.

all the best

highthief

She probably thinks Anthony is hot, but does not neccessarily plan to do anything about it. Everyone's allowed to look, just not touch. Happens in most every relationship.

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jth

yeah man, you're freakin' out over your Girl trying to be friends with your friends. How do you think you would feel if she freaked out because you were being nice and supportive of her friends waving the 'flirt' flag or something to that effect.

Either way you sometimes can't help but feel the way you're feeling. You just need to calm down and realize that A - you've only been in a relationship for a short while and B - There's no need to get up in arms over her wanting to be friends with other guys. If you start getting really upset over it enough to start doing something about it, you'll lose your GF and that'll be all there is.

If this guy is your friend he, and really is your friend he won't try anything behind your back anyway.

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blade02

I think the fair thing to do is do what Sage said and just ask. I'd maybe ask it more bluntly, like next time if she asks whos going to be there just say "Why do you want to know?" I try to ask questions that dont lead the person one way or the other. But sometimes being blunt can make the person feel defensive. No matter how you word it, its the only fair thing to do, 1) It lets her explain her side of things 2) you have a right to know why shes so into your friends.

Sultana

Sage didn't say to ask. Sage said to deal with it himself.

Oh good lord. This reminds me of the lyrics, "Some guys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world..."

If she has any kind of a mind of her own, she's not gonna take kindly to being pissed on so you can mark her as your territory.

Time to back off. Leave it alone. It's a growing thing, and you've already proven you're *great* at that.

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paulskinback

Way too much of an overreaction dude - you don't want her to think your possessive by saying anything

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Poppinjay

After all the angst over just asking this girl out for the first time, I imagine it's hard to give it a rest. But let's look at the outcome of any scenario.

She wants to date Anthony and you raise a fuss: she dumps you.
She wants to date Anthony and you don't raise a fuss: she dumps you.
She doesn't want to date Anthony and you raise a fuss: she dumps you.
She doesn't want to date Anthony and you don't raise a fuss: she doesn't dump you.

This is your first girlfriend. Here's a cold, hard fact: she very likely won't be your last. Anybody here who has married the first person they dated can correct me if I'm wrong on this. You can have a nice and worthy relationship with her, but don't worry about things that may break you up. They're going to happen no matter what you do.

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gentlesoul43

I have a different view. You're not being overly paranoid. But you are exhibiting protective instincts, which can be construed as obsessive in a new relationship.

Most people on this forum are saying that you're over-reacting and that she may just be trying to be friendly with your friends. They might be right. But they could also be wrong, and that she, like everyone of us, may have a connection with this someone new and may find him interesting, attractive or just someone she gets along with. (Isn't that how relationships start?)

Well, your relationship is new and she's also discovering new things between the two of you. So she might find him more interesting than you. Also, what if he finds her interesting too and takes a liking? Do you know him well enough for him to know that he will respect your relationship? Most of my friends will, but I know the ones that don't.

However, what everyone was saying about playing it cool and not showing possessive tendencies is absolutely important. It's a tough one, but you can either:
- be great pals with him, to a point that he will not betray you, or
- keep her away from him, ie have lunches and gatherings away from this guy

And I agree somewhat with Poppinjay: Don't worry about things that might break you up. They will happen no matter what you do.

smooth

I have a different view, as well.
My view is that in a rock-solid, lasting relationship communication is key.

Regardless of how accurate your assumptions are about her intentions with Anthony, I think you and your girlfriend should discuss how you feel.

If you take this path, and I think it's a difficult but mature path, then you have to learn some communication skills and also learn to deal with possible consequences. Anything that is going on in your head should be stated as such: "When I see you act [like so] I feel... or I interpret it as flirting. It makes me feel uncomfortable because...

Maybe the because is that you enjoy her company, feel deeply about her, or are just generally possessive (which some people may or may not like, but is certainly something the two of you can work through if desired). You don't necessarily have to name the "culprit" to have this conversation. All of those feelings are legitimate and it doesn't really serve any purpose to hide them from anyone, much less your significant other.

Maybe she just likes photography. But you would never know unless you asked. In which case, perhaps you two could figure some things out that she would gush over if you were to do them...because after all, men like it when women gush over them. and vice versa.

that said, you have to also be ready to deal with potential consequences. Perhaps she will reply, actually, we've only been together for a couple months and I don't feel as deeply about you as you do me. OR Yeah, I'm feeling some chemistry with one of your friends and I would like some space. Better now than later, in my opinion.

But your feelings are important, regardless of the fact that people may be uncomfortable with others who are possessive or insecure. The best person to talk about these things with are your significant others. The one who stays around and helps you deal with the unpleasantries as well as the pleasantries will be the keeper...maybe even become your wife.

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